09.18.2014 | 8:19 am
A Note from Fatty: Today at 11:00AM MDT, Jens Voigt will attempt / has attempted to set a new one hour record. I am happy to be the first journalist to file a story on how it will go / went.
Grenchen, Switzerland – Sitting at the side of the velodrome, clutching his aero helmet and rejecting all words of comfort from those around him, Jens Voigt is trembling with rage.
“Yes, I am a little upset,” Voigt confirms, doing his best to smile. “But these things happen, you know?”
The very fact that he makes this attempt at being philosophical about what has been, without question, the single largest debacle in the history of cycling, shows the character of the man.
For not only has Jens Voigt not set a new hour record as a bookend to an illustrious and long career, but he has not even completed the attempt at the ride.
Before the Beginning
The day started well enough. In retrospect, perhaps it even started too well.
Voigt arrived at the Grenchen Velodrome, suited up, and rode 814 laps as a warmup. Asked if this were perhaps excessive, Voigt replied, “I like to burn all the chicken.”
Voigt, it should be noted, is still working on mastering colloquial English.
A Bad Start
With surprisingly little fanfare — a countdown by hand — Voigt was off, quickly ramping up to a speed of 54Km per hour, easily a fast enough pace to break the record 49.7Km, even taking into account inevitable slowing.
Then, disaster: Voigt suddenly swerved wildly, rocketing up to the high edge of the banked velodrome turn, then flipping end-over-end, tumbling along with his entwined bike.
The cause? A dog had wandered into his path.
“Has nobody heard of leashes?” wondered the frustrated Trek Bikes Team Liaison, Matt Shriver.
Scrambling — perturbed but in control — Voigt gathered his bike, helmet, and left shoe (all three scattered in different directions), removed his horribly misshapen front wheel from the bike, pounded it against the edge of the velodrome wall with his fists until it was in some semblance of true again, and continued his attempt.
Problems Continue
Before long, Voigt had picked up considerable speed — now at 63Km / hr in order to make up for lost time — and somehow resumed his groove. In spite of a bad start, it began to look again as if Voigt might still get that record.
But if one were to listen to the official — mercifully unnamed here — one would be able to detect that Voigt’s problems were far from over.
“Eighteen laps!” he cried. Then, “Twenty laps! No, I mean nineteen!”
“Twenty-one! Or twenty-two? No, this might be just twenty.”
This continued for a few more laps, after which he held up his palm to an astonished Voigt, signaling him to stop.
“I’m sorry, Jens, I’ve just lost count.”
“What?” replied Voigt, either due to his close-fitting helmet or sheer disbelief.
“I know, I feel so dumb. I totally should have brought a piece of paper and made hash marks, or maybe a clicker or something. Anyway, we don’t know how far you’ve gone. So let’s just start over.”
“Your horse cart is unsaddled,” muttered Voigt, nevertheless returning to the start line to begin again.
Lost Cause
Alas, the day was doomed to continue to be a series of misfortunes for the storied Jens Voigt.
Within a mere 120 laps of his second attempt, Voigt’s rear wheel flatted, evidently from the extraordinary heat generated by the friction caused by the tires rolling along the laminated wood at an unanticipated 92Km / hr.
Without a word, Voigt repaired the flat, surprising all present that he had, in fact, brought everything he needed for this problem — except for a wrench to remove the nut holding the wheel (Voigt improvised by using his teeth).
Then he had to stop and restart the event again — this time, in order to pee, and to get a snack.
Finally, on what looked like what would be a successful run, Voigt coasted to a stop (not easy to do on a fixed-gear bike), 38 minutes and 49.6Km into the ride.
“My playlist ended,” Voigt said, “And I lost interest in riding around and around and around in circles all day.”
“It makes for insect-infested abdomens,” concluded Voigt
Voigt reports that next month he will attempt to pull a locomotive 25 miles, with his teeth, on a bike.
After which, Voigt will retire. For real this time.
Honest.
Comments (35)
07.23.2013 | 11:16 am
A Note from Fatty About Today’s Giveaway and the Contest in General: Today’s giveaway from TheFeed.com is awesome: a THREE-month subscription at the $19.99 level, which means that every month for three months, you’re going to get a box of food good for 10-12 rides. Like this:
In addition to this, the winner is going to get a 1-pound bag of Skratch Labs Hydration Mix, which is worth another $19.50.
In other words, your on-bike food needs are going to be pretty much taken care of for the rest of the riding season. Nice!
And remember, you’re also entered to win the Trek Project One Series 7 Madone with ENVE wheels and cockpit, along with SRAM RED drivetrain. Wow.
So how do you enter and be eligible to win this prize from TheFeed.com, the ones after that (there will be six more!) and the bike? Just donate here, in increments of $10.00. It’s that easy.
See this entry for details, and click here for rules and restrictions. Also note that Trek’s matching program has a ceiling of $90,000.
News Flash: Local Cyclist to Participate in Most Important Bike Race in the World
Alpine, UT (Fat Cyclist Not Especially Fake News Service) – Elden Nelson, longtime resident of Alpine, Utah, announced today that within a few short weeks, he intends to take part in the most important bike race in the world.
“The Leadville 100 is the most important bike race in the whole world,” said Nelson of the mountain bike race in Leadville, Colorado, which approximately 99.999999999987% of the US population has never heard of.
“And I don’t mean that this race is the most important race every year. I mean that this race, this year, is the most important race in the history of the world,” continued Nelson, with no hint of irony at all in his voice. “No race has ever been this important before, and no race will ever be this important again.”
Asked why this race is so important, Nelson was quick to reply. “It’s self-evident that this race is the most important race in the world because it is the race I am currently thinking about, essentially to the exclusion of everything else. It’s still weeks away, but I’m constantly checking weather reports, mulling over gear ratios, planning out my food, and agonizing over which pair of socks to wear.”
“In short,” noted Nelson, “I’m acting like this is not merely the most important race in the world, but that it may in fact be the most important thing in the world.”
Nelson then paused for a moment to reflect, then asked, “If it weren’t truly important, I wouldn’t be treating it as if my life depended on it, would I?”
Witness to Many Important Events
This is not the first time Mr. Nelson has been involved in races of such extreme importance. In fact, experts agree that every race Nelson has ever done has been the single most important thing happening in the universe at the moment it happened, as well as for the several days prior to the race itself.
According to Kenneth Jones, a noted current events researcher, “Elden Nelson has an uncanny ability to register for and then participate in races that — for reasons which are not perfectly clear at this time — become increasingly important as time progresses. By the time Nelson actually lines up and begins the race, there is quite literally nothing in the world so important as the race in which he is participating.”
Jones summarized, “People could be ten feet away, falling in love, crashing cars, levitating off the ground, curing MS, murdering one another, figuring out the final digit of Pi, whatever. If Nelson is racing, everything else is less important.”
“By the way,” concluded Jones, “The final digit of Pi is a 4, which seems like kind of letdown.”
Implications
Top physicists are currently trying to understand and explain how it is possible that whatever race Nelson chooses to do suddenly becomes so important.
“And it’s not just the ‘how’ that intrigues us,” says Dr. Robert Raleigh, a physicist with an impressive goatee that somehow conveys both breadth of intelligence and depth of wisdom. “It’s the ‘why.’ Why does a race in which Nelson has no chance of winning matter so much? Or suppose we take a monstrous leap of faith and imagine that he did win? The question remains: why does it matter so incredibly much? Why do we all care?”
“One thing is certain, however,” mused Dr. Raleigh. “And that is that any race in which Nelson participates does matter. It matters very deeply indeed.”
What the Future Holds
Shortly after Nelson completes the most important race in the history of the universe, he intends to race the Salt To Saint, a 420-mile race, as a solo time trial. “I have a feeling about that race,” says Nelson. “I think it’s going to be really, really important.”
Comments (25)
04.24.2013 | 9:40 am
Austin, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In the wake of the recent announcement by the Justice Department that it will pursue a lawsuit against Lance Armstrong for unjustly enriching himself, a spokesman for Armstrong today made the following announcement:
“Lance intends to defend himself vigorously in the court of law.”
The spokesman continued, “Based on our extensive experience in these matters, however, by which I mean dating pretty much as far back as any of us can remember, the court of public opinion will simultaneously conduct a trial of its own, largely through the mainstream media and cycling press.”
“Toward the end of making the work of these people both more timely and accurate,” the spokesperson announced, “Lance Armstrong will today do a photo shoot for the use of journalists during this trial.”
“Specifically,” the spokesman explained, “Lance will do a photoshoot consisting entirely of various negative expressions.”
“This,” the spokesman continued, “is due to the fact that many of the existing photographs of Lance frowning, pursing his lips, or looking defeated have been overused to the point of being ridiculous by the press. Furthermore, many are woefully out of date.”
“This photo shoot is not only for the benefit of journalists and their readers, however,” said the spokesman. “The fact is, Lance’s attorneys are sick to death of seeing the same set of photographs over and over. We’ve seen these same old photos so often we’ve started giving them nicknames. For example, we call the following photograph ‘Sinister Lance’:”
“And we call this one ‘Perplexed Lance’:”
“This one is called ‘Vengeful Lance’:”
“And then there’s the one we see more than any other single photo, which is affectionately known as ‘Sad Raspberry Lance’:”
Photoshoot Objectives Made Clear
“We know that journalists are going to post photos of Lance in a variety of unhappy moods,” said the spokesman. “Our objective is to expand the range of these photographic moods, as well as update them so the photographs don’t look like they were taken in the 80’s.”
“The photos we’ll be providing will show Lance making the following expressions, most — if not all — of which will no doubt be used in the coming months:
- Furious
- Startled
- Dismayed
- Confused
- Bored
- Incensed
- Enraged
- Crushed
- Dazed
- Blank
- Crafty
- Distraught
- Abashed
- Wistful
- Guarded
- Pensive
- Defeated
“Note that this is merely a tentative list,” said the spokesman, “and that we have engaged the services of an A-list acting coach in order to make the expressions in these photographs completely convincing.”
“Also, we are pleased to announce that all of these expressions will be provided in environments showing Lance both on and off the bike.”
Reached for comment, Armstrong demurred, noting only that he had a lot of work to do practicing his “apologetic” look.
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02.13.2013 | 7:52 am
Aigle, Switzerland (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a joint press release today today, the UCI, WADA, USADA, and CCN announced the following:
We are pleased to announce that, effective immediately, Lance Armstrong will be stripped of seven Tour de France Titles. The stripping of these aforementioned titles are additive to the seven Tour de France titles of which Mr. Armstrong has already been stripped, for a grand total of fourteen (14) times he has now no longer won the Tour.
Be it known, then, that as of this moment, Lance Armstrong has won the Tour de France a total of negative seven (-7) times. Which means that should he ever start racing again, he’ll have to win the Tour de France another seven times before he even gets to say he hasn’t ever even raced in the Tour.
This notice should not be construed as an invitation for Mr. Armstrong to come and race the Tour seven more times. Indeed, to the contrary, we hereby anti-invite Armstrong to come and race another seven times, just to be safe.
Reached for comment on this unusual measure, UCI President Pat McQuaid stated, “We felt it was important for us to proactively take this measure against the possibility that Mr. Armstrong might start racing — and possibly winning — the Tour de France. We feel that only by taking this proactive measure could we curtail the greatest threat against cycling today.”
“I agree,” agreed Dr. Michael Ashenden, who is the best and smartest and rightest doping expert who has ever lived or will ever live. “And also I think we were all starting to miss the feeling of righteous indignation we all experienced when denouncing Armstrong, instead of denouncing each other about Armstrong.”
“Sure,” continued the extremely smart and handsome Ashenden, “later today we’ll go back to sniping and arguing amongst ourselves. But for this moment, at least, it’s really nice to get back to our core competencies.”
“There’s something special about stripping Armstrong of Tour de France victories,” concurred USADA CEO Travis Tygart. “You get a certain buzz from it that nabbing other dopers simply doesn’t deliver.”
“I kind of thought I’d at least feel something when Cipollini got busted earlier this week,” mused Tygart, evidently to himself, “But nothing compares to Lance. So, a few days ago when we were all just bickering and finger-pointing, it occurred to someone, ‘Hey! What if we played our big hit? The fans always love that one!’ And you know what? It’s totally true.”
Said Skins chairman and Change Cycling Now backer Jaimie Fuller, “We’re f&^*ing thinking of making this $&#@ something we do on a %@!#-%$# regular basis.”
The Press Reacts
Neal Rogers, Editor of Velo, responded to this statement by tweeting, “Thought we were done with Armstrong circus. Very angry. Wish we could ignore this and get back to what we do best.”
Thirty minutes later, VeloNews.com published five (5) new articles covering this event, including a timeline, an analysis, an opinion piece, a “What Happens Next?” story, and an interview with Dick Pound.
Meanwhile, Bicycling Editor-at-Large Bill Strickland tweeted the opening verse from “A child said, What is the grass?” by Walt Whitman.
It is unclear whether this tweet was an oblique reference to this announcement, or if Bill Strickland just likes Walt Whitman.
Next Steps
The next meeting of this group that is collectively tasked with restoring the cycling world’s sense of honor and dignity is planned for later this month, where they will consider a number of new proposals, including making Armstrong do the following:
- Give a yellow jersey to anyone who asks for one, forever
- Take a picture of himself laying on that same couch where he was “just laying around,” but with pictures of Betsy Andreu now in each of the frames
- Learn to un-sign his name
According to the statement, forcing Armstrong to drink nothing but Michelob Ultra for the rest of his life had also been under consideration, but had been taken off the table.
According to McQuaid, “That would simply be too cruel.”
Comments (42)
01.22.2013 | 1:37 pm
AUSTIN, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Following the bombshell admissions made by Lance Armstrong last week, the cycling world and the seventeen other people who follow that kind of thing have expressed various permutations of sadness, anger, vindication, indignation, and smug I-Told-You-So-ness.
Many have wondered, endlessly, whether Armstrong said enough, as well as whether he was entirely truthful, or simply told what he could without exposing himself to an even larger legal and personal train wreck than what he’s already in for.
What nobody seems to have wondered, however, is what got left on the editing room floor from that interview. Were there more revelations? Clarifications? Additional apologies?
Nobody has wondered this, that is, until now. Because neither Lance nor Oprah counted on an intrepid reporter who was using state-of-the-art secret eavesdropping techniques to listen in on and report the untold story.
Super-secret eavesdropping techniques
The following transcripts reveal that what was not broadcast during the riveting 90-minute interview on Thursday — along with the not-really-all-that-riveting 60-minute interview on Friday — contains shocking revelations that are guaranteed to keep Twitter buzzing until the next shocking revelation is revealed (about 45 minutes at the current rate).
More Yes and No Questions
Without a doubt, the most extraordinary part of the Oprah / Armstrong interview was during the first three minutes, during which Oprah (or as she prefers to be called, “Oprah”) asked Armstrong (who would currently prefer to not be called at all) numerous yes-or-no questions.
Curiously, however, not all of Oprah’s yes-or-no questions made it into the broadcast. The full, unedited transcript of this yes-and-no session follows:
Oprah: Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Was one of those banned substances EPO?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Have you ever taken amphetamines during a race?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Would it be simpler for me to ask you specifically what things you haven’t taken during your racing career?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Did you fake the moon landing?
Armstrong: I think you mean a different . . .
Oprah: Yes or no, please. Did you fake the moon landing?
Armstrong: No.
Oprah: Hmmph. You say your last name is “Armstrong,” yet you made a living using your legs. Is that not disingenuous?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Did you kill JFK?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
Armstrong: Yes. I have one at my house in Aspen. I kept Betsy Andreu in there for a couple years.
Oprah: Did you kill Nicole Brown Simpson?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Are you hungry?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Have you ever been to Fuddrucker’s?
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: They make really good hamburgers. Why do you suppose they went through bankruptcy in 2010, while other chains thrived?
Armstrong: It wasn’t a problem with their food. I think it was a combination of a bad economic climate and . . .
Oprah: Yes or no responses only, please!
Armstrong: But that wasn’t a yes or no . . .
Oprah: Yes or no responses only, please!
Armstrong: Yes?
Oprah: I thought so. Will you jump up and down on the couch for me?
Armstrong: Yes. But first I need to take a testosterone pill, inject some EPO, and have a blood transfusion, which will allow me to jump higher, faster, and for a greater period of time than anyone else ever has or will again.
Word Association
Following the frank admissions made by Armstrong, Oprah (who prefers to be called “Ms. Oprah”) spent a few minutes trying to understand the mind of Lance Armstrong by using a word game used by psychologists in movies.
Oprah: Let’s try some word association. I’ll say a word or phrase, you tell me what it makes you think of.
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: We’re done with the yes or no part.
Armstrong: Yes.
Oprah: Cut it out.
Armstrong: No.
Oprah: (Slaps Armstrong.) Don’t make me do that again. OK, let’s get started. France.
Armstrong: Cheating.
Oprah: Floyd.
Armstrong: The barber. And also, cheating.
Oprah: Honesty.
Armstrong: Catastrophe.
Oprah: Weight.
Armstrong: Perfect.
Oprah: Money.
Armstrong: Vanishing.
Oprah: Fame.
Armstrong: Vital.
Oprah: Ratings.
Armstrong: What?
Oprah: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I’ve been doing this backwards.
Armstrong: Weird.
Apologies
Perhaps the thing that angered Armstrong critics the most about Armstrong’s interview — apart from the fact that it was ever necessary to begin with — was that Armstrong made only a few public apologies, many of which seemed half-hearted at best.
In fact, however, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. Here’s how the original apology discussion went:
Oprah: Are there any people you’d like to apologize to?
Armstrong: Well, everyone, basically. Let’s start with the Andreus. They took a principled stand, and I accused them of lying and broke off our friendship and made their lives incredibly difficult in return. I’m really sorry to them.
Next, I want to apologize to Greg Lemond, who . . .
Oprah: Cut! I’m sorry, Lance, but my mind started wandering. This train of apologies makes boring television. Let’s just move on to the next topic, and we’ll edit this part out.
Thus, for the first time in more than thirty years, something bad happened that was not Armstrong’s fault.
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