Grenchen, Switzerland – Sitting at the side of the velodrome, clutching his aero helmet and rejecting all words of comfort from those around him, Jens Voigt is trembling with rage.

“Yes, I am a little upset,” Voigt confirms, doing his best to smile. “But these things happen, you know?”

The very fact that he makes this attempt at being philosophical about what has been, without question, the single largest debacle in the history of cycling, shows the character of the man. 

For not only has Jens Voigt not set a new hour record as a bookend to an illustrious and long career, but he has not even completed the attempt at the ride. 

Before the Beginning

The day started well enough. In retrospect, perhaps it even started too well. 

Voigt arrived at the Grenchen Velodrome, suited up, and rode 814 laps as a warmup. Asked if this were perhaps excessive, Voigt replied, “I like to burn all the chicken.”

Voigt, it should be noted, is still working on mastering colloquial English. 

A Bad Start

With surprisingly little fanfare — a countdown by hand — Voigt was off, quickly ramping up to a speed of 54Km per hour, easily a fast enough pace to break the record 49.7Km, even taking into account inevitable slowing.

Then, disaster: Voigt suddenly swerved wildly, rocketing up to the high edge of the banked velodrome turn, then flipping end-over-end, tumbling along with his entwined bike.

The cause? A dog had wandered into his path.

“Has nobody heard of leashes?” wondered the frustrated Trek  Bikes Team Liaison, Matt Shriver. 

Scrambling — perturbed but in control — Voigt gathered his bike, helmet, and left shoe (all three scattered in different directions), removed his horribly misshapen front wheel from the bike, pounded it against the edge of the velodrome wall with his fists until it was in some semblance of true again, and continued his attempt.

Problems Continue

Before long, Voigt had picked up considerable speed — now at 63Km / hr in order to make up for lost time — and somehow resumed his groove. In spite of a bad start, it began to look again as if Voigt might still get that record.

But if one were to listen to the official — mercifully unnamed here — one would be able to detect that Voigt’s problems were far from over. 

“Eighteen laps!” he cried. Then, “Twenty laps! No, I mean nineteen!” 

“Twenty-one! Or twenty-two? No, this might be just twenty.”

This continued for a few more laps, after which he held up his palm to an astonished Voigt, signaling him to stop.

“I’m sorry, Jens, I’ve just lost count.”

“What?” replied Voigt, either due to his close-fitting helmet or sheer disbelief. 

“I know, I feel so dumb. I totally should have brought a piece of paper and made hash marks, or maybe a clicker or something. Anyway, we don’t know how far you’ve gone. So let’s just start over.”

“Your horse cart is unsaddled,” muttered Voigt, nevertheless returning to the start line to begin again.

Lost Cause

Alas, the day was doomed to continue to be a series of misfortunes for the storied Jens Voigt.

Within a mere 120 laps of his second attempt, Voigt’s rear wheel flatted, evidently from the extraordinary heat generated by the friction caused by the tires rolling along the laminated wood at an unanticipated 92Km / hr.

Without a word, Voigt repaired the flat, surprising all present that he had, in fact, brought everything he needed for this problem — except for a wrench to remove the nut holding the wheel (Voigt improvised by using his teeth).

Then he had to stop and restart the event again — this time, in order to pee, and to get a snack.

Finally, on what looked like what would be a successful run, Voigt coasted to a stop (not easy to do on a fixed-gear bike), 38 minutes and 49.6Km into the ride.

“My playlist ended,” Voigt said, “And I lost interest in riding around and around and around in circles all day.”

“It makes for insect-infested abdomens,” concluded Voigt

Voigt reports that next month he will attempt to pull a locomotive 25 miles, with his teeth, on a bike.

After which, Voigt will retire. For real this time.

Honest.

In addition to this, the winner is going to get a 1-pound bag of Skratch Labs Hydration Mix, which is worth another $19.50. 

In other words, your on-bike food needs are going to be pretty much taken care of for the rest of the riding season. Nice!

And remember, you’re also entered to win the Trek Project One Series 7 Madone with ENVE wheels and cockpit, along with SRAM RED drivetrain. Wow.

So how do you enter and be eligible to win this prize from TheFeed.com, the ones after that (there will be six more!) and the bike? Just donate here, in increments of $10.00. It’s that easy.

See this entry for details, and click here for rules and restrictions. Also note that Trek’s matching program has a ceiling of $90,000. 

News Flash: Local Cyclist to Participate in Most Important Bike Race in the World

Alpine, UT (Fat Cyclist Not Especially Fake News Service) – Elden Nelson, longtime resident of Alpine, Utah, announced today that within a few short weeks, he intends to take part in the most important bike race in the world.

“The Leadville 100 is the most important bike race in the whole world,” said Nelson of the mountain bike race in Leadville, Colorado, which approximately 99.999999999987% of the US population has never heard of.

“And I don’t mean that this race is the most important race every year. I mean that this race, this year, is the most important race in the history of the world,” continued Nelson, with no hint of irony at all in his voice. “No race has ever been this important before, and no race will ever be this important again.”

Asked why this race is so important, Nelson was quick to reply. “It’s self-evident that this race is the most important race in the world because it is the race I am currently thinking about, essentially to the exclusion of everything else. It’s still weeks away, but I’m constantly checking weather reports, mulling over gear ratios, planning out my food, and agonizing over which pair of socks to wear.”

“In short,” noted Nelson, “I’m acting like this is not merely the most important race in the world, but that it may in fact be the most important thing in the world.” 

Nelson then paused for a moment to reflect, then asked, “If it weren’t truly important, I wouldn’t be treating it as if my life depended on it, would I?”

Witness to Many Important Events

This is not the first time Mr. Nelson has been involved in races of such extreme importance. In fact, experts agree that every race Nelson has ever done has been the single most important thing happening in the universe at the moment it happened, as well as for the several days prior to the race itself.

According to Kenneth Jones, a noted current events researcher, “Elden Nelson has an uncanny ability to register for and then participate in races that — for reasons which are not perfectly clear at this time — become increasingly important as time progresses. By the time Nelson actually lines up and begins the race, there is quite literally nothing in the world so important as the race in which he is participating.”

Jones summarized, “People could be ten feet away, falling in love, crashing cars, levitating off the ground, curing MS, murdering one another, figuring out the final digit of Pi, whatever. If Nelson is racing, everything else is less important.”

“By the way,” concluded Jones, “The final digit of Pi is a 4, which seems like kind of letdown.”

Implications

Top physicists are currently trying to understand and explain how it is possible that whatever race Nelson chooses to do suddenly becomes so important.

“And it’s not just the ‘how’ that intrigues us,” says Dr. Robert Raleigh, a physicist with an impressive goatee that somehow conveys both breadth of intelligence and depth of wisdom. “It’s the ‘why.’ Why does a race in which Nelson has no chance of winning matter so much? Or suppose we take a monstrous leap of faith and imagine that he did win? The question remains: why does it matter so incredibly much? Why do we all care?”

“One thing is certain, however,” mused Dr. Raleigh. “And that is that any race in which Nelson participates does matter. It matters very deeply indeed.”

What the Future Holds

Shortly after Nelson completes the most important race in the history of the universe, he intends to race the Salt To Saint, a 420-mile race, as a solo time trial. “I have a feeling about that race,” says Nelson. “I think it’s going to be really, really important.”

“Lance intends to defend himself vigorously in the court of law.”

The spokesman continued, “Based on our extensive experience in these matters, however, by which I mean dating pretty much as far back as any of us can remember, the court of public opinion will simultaneously conduct a trial of its own, largely through the mainstream media and cycling press.”

“Toward the end of making the work of these people both more timely and accurate,” the spokesperson announced, “Lance Armstrong will today do a photo shoot for the use of journalists during this trial.”

“Specifically,” the spokesman explained, “Lance will do a photoshoot consisting entirely of various negative expressions.”

“This,” the spokesman continued, “is due to the fact that many of the existing photographs of Lance frowning, pursing his lips, or looking defeated have been overused to the point of being ridiculous by the press. Furthermore, many are woefully out of date.”

“This photo shoot is not only for the benefit of journalists and their readers, however,” said the spokesman. “The fact is, Lance’s attorneys are sick to death of seeing the same set of photographs over and over. We’ve seen these same old photos so often we’ve started giving them nicknames. For example, we call the following photograph ‘Sinister Lance’:”

“And we call this one ‘Perplexed Lance’:”

“This one is called ‘Vengeful Lance’:”

“And then there’s the one we see more than any other single photo, which is affectionately known as ‘Sad Raspberry Lance’:”

Photoshoot Objectives Made Clear

“We know that journalists are going to post photos of Lance in a variety of unhappy moods,” said the spokesman. “Our objective is to expand the range of these photographic moods, as well as update them so the photographs don’t look like they were taken in the 80’s.”

“The photos we’ll be providing will show Lance making the following expressions, most — if not all — of which will no doubt be used in the coming months:

• Furious
• Startled
• Dismayed
• Confused
• Bored
• Incensed 
• Enraged
• Crushed
• Dazed
• Blank
• Crafty
• Distraught
• Abashed
• Wistful
• Guarded
• Pensive
• Defeated

“Also, we are pleased to announce that all of these expressions will be provided in environments showing Lance both on and off the bike.”

Reached for comment, Armstrong demurred, noting only that he had a lot of work to do practicing his “apologetic” look.

We are pleased to announce that, effective immediately, Lance Armstrong will be stripped of seven Tour de France Titles. The stripping of these aforementioned titles are additive to the seven Tour de France titles of which Mr. Armstrong has already been stripped, for a grand total of fourteen (14) times he has now no longer won the Tour.

Be it known, then, that as of this moment, Lance Armstrong has won the Tour de France a total of negative seven (-7) times. Which means that should he ever start racing again, he’ll have to win the Tour de France another seven times before he even gets to say he hasn’t ever even raced in the Tour.

This notice should not be construed as an invitation for Mr. Armstrong to come and race the Tour seven more times. Indeed, to the contrary, we hereby anti-invite Armstrong to come and race another seven times, just to be safe. 

Reached for comment on this unusual measure, UCI President Pat McQuaid stated, “We felt it was important for us to proactively take this measure against the possibility that Mr. Armstrong might start racing — and possibly winning — the Tour de France. We feel that only by taking this proactive measure could we curtail the greatest threat against cycling today.”

“I agree,” agreed Dr. Michael Ashenden, who is the best and smartest and rightest doping expert who has ever lived or will ever live. “And also I think we were all starting to miss the feeling of righteous indignation we all experienced when denouncing Armstrong, instead of denouncing each other about Armstrong.”

“Sure,” continued the extremely smart and handsome Ashenden, “later today we’ll go back to sniping and arguing amongst ourselves. But for this moment, at least, it’s really nice to get back to our core competencies.”

“There’s something special about stripping Armstrong of Tour de France victories,” concurred USADA CEO Travis Tygart. “You get a certain buzz from it that nabbing other dopers simply doesn’t deliver.”

“I kind of thought I’d at least feel something when Cipollini got busted earlier this week,” mused Tygart, evidently to himself, “But nothing compares to Lance. So, a few days ago when we were all just bickering and finger-pointing, it occurred to someone, ‘Hey! What if we played our big hit? The fans always love that one!’ And you know what? It’s totally true.”

Said Skins chairman and Change Cycling Now backer Jaimie Fuller, “We’re f&^*ing thinking of making this $&#@ something we do on a %@!#-%$# regular basis.”

The Press Reacts

Neal Rogers, Editor of Velo, responded to this statement by tweeting, “Thought we were done with Armstrong circus. Very angry. Wish we could ignore this and get back to what we do best.”

Thirty minutes later, VeloNews.com published five (5) new articles covering this event, including a timeline, an analysis, an opinion piece, a “What Happens Next?” story, and an interview with Dick Pound.

Meanwhile, Bicycling Editor-at-Large Bill Strickland tweeted the opening verse from “A child said, What is the grass?” by Walt Whitman.

It is unclear whether this tweet was an oblique reference to this announcement, or if Bill Strickland just likes Walt Whitman. 

Next Steps

The next meeting of this group that is collectively tasked with restoring the cycling world’s sense of honor and dignity is planned for later this month, where they will consider a number of new proposals, including making Armstrong do the following:

• Give a yellow jersey to anyone who asks for one, forever
• Take a picture of himself laying on that same couch where he was “just laying around,” but with pictures of Betsy Andreu now in each of the frames
• Learn to un-sign his name

According to the statement, forcing Armstrong to drink nothing but Michelob Ultra for the rest of his life had also been under consideration, but had been taken off the table.

According to McQuaid, “That would simply be too cruel.”

Many have wondered, endlessly, whether Armstrong said enough, as well as whether he was entirely truthful, or simply told what he could without exposing himself to an even larger legal and personal train wreck than what he’s already in for.

What nobody seems to have wondered, however, is what got left on the editing room floor from that interview. Were there more revelations? Clarifications? Additional apologies?

Nobody has wondered this, that is, until now. Because neither Lance nor Oprah counted on an intrepid reporter who was using state-of-the-art secret eavesdropping techniques to listen in on and report the untold story. 

Super-secret eavesdropping techniques

The following transcripts reveal that what was not broadcast during the riveting 90-minute interview on Thursday — along with the not-really-all-that-riveting 60-minute interview on Friday — contains shocking revelations that are guaranteed to keep Twitter buzzing until the next shocking revelation is revealed (about 45 minutes at the current rate).

More Yes and No Questions

Without a doubt, the most extraordinary part of the Oprah / Armstrong interview was during the first three minutes, during which Oprah (or as she prefers to be called, “Oprah”) asked Armstrong (who would currently prefer to not be called at all) numerous yes-or-no questions.

Curiously, however, not all of Oprah’s yes-or-no questions made it into the broadcast. The full, unedited transcript of this yes-and-no session follows:

Oprah: Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Was one of those banned substances EPO?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Have you ever taken amphetamines during a race?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Would it be simpler for me to ask you specifically what things you haven’t taken during your racing career?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Did you fake the moon landing?

Armstrong: I think you mean a different . . . 

Oprah: Yes or no, please. Did you fake the moon landing?

Armstrong: No.

Oprah: Hmmph. You say your last name is “Armstrong,” yet you made a living using your legs. Is that not disingenuous?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Did you kill JFK?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Armstrong: Yes. I have one at my house in Aspen. I kept Betsy Andreu in there for a couple years. 

Oprah: Did you kill Nicole Brown Simpson?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Are you hungry?

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Have you ever been to Fuddrucker’s? 

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: They make really good hamburgers. Why do you suppose they went through bankruptcy in 2010, while other chains thrived?

Armstrong: It wasn’t a problem with their food. I think it was a combination of a bad economic climate and . . . 

Oprah: Yes or no responses only, please!

Armstrong: But that wasn’t a yes or no . . .

Oprah: Yes or no responses only, please!

Armstrong: Yes?

Oprah: I thought so. Will you jump up and down on the couch for me? 

Armstrong: Yes. But first I need to take a testosterone pill, inject some EPO, and have a blood transfusion, which will allow me to jump higher, faster, and for a greater period of time than anyone else ever has or will again.

Word Association

Following the frank admissions made by Armstrong, Oprah (who prefers to be called “Ms. Oprah”) spent a few minutes trying to understand the mind of Lance Armstrong by using a word game used by psychologists in movies.

Oprah: Let’s try some word association. I’ll say a word or phrase, you tell me what it makes you think of.

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: We’re done with the yes or no part.

Armstrong: Yes.

Oprah: Cut it out.

Armstrong: No.

Oprah: (Slaps Armstrong.) Don’t make me do that again. OK, let’s get started. France.

Armstrong: Cheating.

Oprah: Floyd.

Armstrong: The barber. And also, cheating.

Oprah: Honesty.

Armstrong: Catastrophe.

Oprah: Weight.

Armstrong: Perfect.

Oprah: Money.

Armstrong: Vanishing.

Oprah: Fame.

Armstrong: Vital.

Oprah: Ratings.

Armstrong: What?

Oprah: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I’ve been doing this backwards.

Armstrong: Weird.

Apologies

Perhaps the thing that angered Armstrong critics the most about Armstrong’s interview — apart from the fact that it was ever necessary to begin with — was that Armstrong made only a few public apologies, many of which seemed half-hearted at best.

In fact, however, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. Here’s how the original apology discussion went:

Oprah: Are there any people you’d like to apologize to?

Armstrong: Well, everyone, basically. Let’s start with the Andreus. They took a principled stand, and I accused them of lying and broke off our friendship and made their lives incredibly difficult in return. I’m really sorry to them.

Next, I want to apologize to Greg Lemond, who . . . 

Oprah: Cut! I’m sorry, Lance, but my mind started wandering. This train of apologies makes boring television. Let’s just move on to the next topic, and we’ll edit this part out.

Thus, for the first time in more than thirty years, something bad happened that was not Armstrong’s fault.

“In fact,” continued DiStefano, “‘proud’ is a trite, crass understatement of how we feel about these, the most beautiful and comfortable and perfect bike clothing that has ever been draped across the back of some almost preternaturally fortunate (but, lest we denigrate the utter perfection of the Rapha brand, let us append ‘yet still unworthy’ to ‘fortunate’) — rider.”

His eyes misting over, DiStefano proceeded to describe the indescribable: The Team Sky Rapha product line.

“How do I even begin?” asked DiStefano, rhetorically, seeing as he had in fact prepared a 148-slide presentation (using Apple Keynote, naturally, because PowerPoint is gauche).

“Well,” said the Rapha representative, struggling to be heard over the chorus of angels, “perhaps we could start with the Team Sky Pro category, which is the very pinnacle of haute couture for the discriminating professional cyclist.”

“The jersey – if something of this quality can be called a mere jersey – is made of a special fabric that is lighter than the breeze at the dawn of a summer morning.”

“It is so aerodynamic that if you climb upon your bicycle, yet do not pedal, you will nevertheless begin to move forward — wind direction and incline status notwithstanding.”

Continued DiStefano, “Every size fits every person perfectly, because it would otherwise be a travesty for both the wearer and the Rapha brand, and we will not have our good name besmirched by having an ill-fitting jersey with its name upon it appear anywhere, ever. Full stop.”

DiStefano paused to cast a melancholy-yet-stoic look off into space. Photographers took many photos, all of which are now posted in the better museums across Europe.

“Beyond this, the jersey imbues the rider both with the appearance of confidence and with actual confidence itself. But not that smarmy confidence you see affected by the faux-beurgeoise. Non. Your confidence will be of the sort that is terse, yet affable.”

“When wearing this jersey,” said DiStefano, self-assuredly, “you will think winning thoughts, and those around you will not be able to help but think winning thoughts about you.”

“And, of course,” confided DiStefano, “they are two orders of magnitude more beautiful than any man-made object heretofore observed in this or any previous generation.”

“Finally,” said DiStefano, before moving along to slide 2, “This jersey completely obliterates any untoward odor the wearer may produce, replacing it with the fragrance of cinnamon, vanilla, and motor oil.”

“Let’s move on to the Team Sky Pro Bib Shorts,” said DiStefano, at which point he — voice brimming with pride and emotion never before so richly expressed in the history of humanity — talked about the never-before-heard-of features in these beautiful and tasteful clothes, ranging from its slimming properties to the fact that the wearer finds that he never needs to fart while wearing the shorts (the female version of the shorts lacks this property since women don’t ever fart anyway) to the ability of the shorts to anticipate that you are about to begin sweating and accelerate its wicking properties accordingly.

DiStefano then described the Team Sky Long Sleeve Pro jersey, the Team SkyPro Base Layer, the Team SkyWiggo Pro Base Layer (sublime!), the Team Sky Pro Race Cape, the Team Sky Pro Bib Shorts, the Team Sky Women’s Pro Bib Shorts, the Team Sky Merino Drawstring Hat, the Team Sky Cap, the Team Sky Pro Socks, and the gloves, adorably known as “Team Sky Pro Mitts.”

Replica Clothing – For When Only The Nearly Best Will Do

“And that’s just the pro-level gear,” enthused DiStefano. “Which leads us, naturally and elegantly, to the Team Sky Replica clothing we are announcing.

The assembled press corp, which had hoped it was time for a no-doubt excellent lunch, sat back down, reverently.

DiStefano went on to describe how Rapha Team Sky replica clothing is both the best cycling clothing that money can buy, yet is not quite good enough for the pro category. Said DiStefano, “Is there anything better? No! Is it good enough for our “pro” category? No! Is it good enough for you? Ha! Better should you ask whether you are good enough for it, because I assure you that you are not!”

“And yet,” said DiStefano, his voice softening, “We condescend to let you purchase it, because we believe that even proles like yourselves should have something to strive for.”

More. Infinitely More.

Now — nine hours and nearly a third of the way through his presentation — DiStefano reluctantly acknowledged that the hour was growing late and he would pick up the following day, unless everyone was as captivated as he by the glorious bounty that was the 2013 Rapha / Team Sky collection.

“No, please don’t stop!” shouted all in attendance, completely enraptured (many weeping) by the hundreds — if not thousands — of unbearably tasteful articles of clothing emblazoned with the Sky logo. “We wish this revelation of clothing items to never end!”

Gratified by his audience’s appreciation of what was, after all, the crowning glory of human achievement, DiStefano continued on. 

“The Team Sky bounty from Rapha does not end there!” said DiStefano, to deafening, protracted applause, leaving him to describe the Team Sky Supporter, Team Sky Womens, Team Sky Kids, and Team Sky Accessories clothing lines.

“In all, the number of products in this line of clothing is as close to an irrational number as it can be, and still be a positive integer,” said DiStefano. “I would tell you more about how many items this actually comes to, but — alas — the human numbering system is not as elegant and perfectly formed as each and every Rapha product, and thus I cannot express it.”

“This does not mean, however,” continued DiStefano, his face brightening, “That you cannot attempt to purchase each and every one of these products. In fact, if you do not, I feel very, very sorry for you, because of the huge and dark hole in your life that would otherwise be filled with Rapha loveliness.”

More Features Than You Deserve

As exquisitely conceived and well-appointed as the 2013 Team Sky Rapha clothing line is, it is not how you feel or ride that is the main benefit of Rapha wear. 

No. Not even close.

The real benefit you will immediately notice is how you will be observed and photographed as you wear your Rapha Team Sky clothing, as well as how those around you behave. 

When you write about your adventures, you will write things like this:

“I glowered purposefully ahead, my mind just becoming aware of for the attack my gut had known about for all too long,”

Or this:

“I gazed abstractedly into my third espresso, my ennui a startling counterpoint to the stark rage I had shown in the saddle not an hour earlier.”

In other words, it’ll be like you’ve turned into Bill Strickland or something: understated, wistful, and introspective, yet still piercingly insightful. As if you’ve just spent the afternoon sharing meaningful conversation and playing chess with a wizened old man, an espresso never far from your grasp.

To accompany those very Rapha-like words that will surround your life, you’ll suddenly discover that photographs of you gain a starkly palpable beauty. 

Here are typical photographs taken in Mallorca of Team Sky in their new Rapha gear, along with captions describing the poignant truths within: 

“Shall I ride? Or shall I weep? Cannot I do both? To ride is to both give the world beauty and to take that beauty in; still, my soul aches. I am grateful I have such clothes as these to soothe my troubled heart.”

“Is this my body? Or is my body me? Which is to say, is there more to me than this finely-tuned organism? If not, what reason is there for me to keep it warm with this beautiful and tasteful jacket? Am I more than an animal if I pursue comfort? I do not care! This jacket is AWESOME!

My body is as relaxed as a panther at rest, while my eyes betray the coming storm.

“I do not see the world in color.”
“Nor do I, and the field to our right is barren.” 
“We are so fortunate to be wearing Rapha. It is the only good in this world . . . and perhaps the next.”
“Yes.” 

Most gloves, in the absence of hands, are lifeless. Husks. Shells. The opposite is true for Rapha gloves. Mitts too.

Whence my happiness? My winnings? My adorable espresso? None of these. My happiness stems from my Rapha clothing and nothing else. 

Some Team Sky Rapha clothing is available now, and more will be available in the coming months, should Rapha choose to grace you with it.

As it turns out, Andy was right. It was an awesome book, about an extraordinary race. And in a couple months — when VeloPress releases the book to the U.S., we’re going to do a book clubbish thing, where we all read it, and then have the author, Richard Moore, join us for a live discussion.

But that’s not the main topic for today’s post. No, that’s just the tangentially-related teaser. Because when I read Slaying the Badger, it occurred to me that I really had no knowledge whatsoever of the early days of cycling, much less the glory days of cycling.

In fact, I wasn’t even sure what the difference is.

I started feeling a little big guilty about the fact that — because it’s expected of me — whenever asked, I state with what I hope passes for conviction that Eddy Merckx is the greatest cyclist of all time, and that nobody has or even could ever surpass him, and that anyone who even tried should not even be allowed to call himself a “cyclist,” but would have to henceforth call himself a “bicycle rider.”

But even as I said these things, I knew in my heart that I really had no idea why Eddy Merckx was such a big deal.

So I decided it was time to educate myself in the matter.

And since I am a professional research analyst, my investigation into the life and time of Eddy Merckx was as thorough as it was exhaustive. After countless hours spent reading, collating, interpreting, interviewing, and — as a last resort — utilizing internet search engines.

And now I am happy to report that I am an Eddy Merckx expert. And as such, I have uncovered a number of truly astonishing facts and anecdotes about this man’s life and accomplishments.

And since it is possible that I am not the only cyclist who has lacked detailed knowledge of this great man’s life, I will now share my newfound knowledge with you.

Interesting Name Facts

Eddy Merckx’s full name is Edouard Lous Joseph, Baron Merckx. I am not sure what the comma is for, but it is widely known that while Eddy tolerates common misspellings of his name (“Eddie” or “Ed”), he becomes furious if the comma is neglected.

Less-well-known is the fact that Eddy’s last name was originally spelled “Mergckxstp.” Eddy had his surname shortened to make it easier to spell, and started going by “Eddy” because sports announcers frequently passsed out while trying to get Eddy’s full name out in a single breath.

Interesting Life Facts

Eddy grew up in Belgium, but cannot tolerate the taste of Belgian waffles. “I am sick and tired of people always serving waffles when they have me over for breakfast,” Merckx once said. “Could we please just have pancakes instead?”

Surprising First Bicycle Facts

Eddy had a pleasant childhood, growing up in a suburb near Brussels. In many ways, he had a typical childhood, with some notable exceptions. For example, many people know that Merckx got his first racing bike at the age of eight. What many people do not know, however, is that it was the age of eight months.

Further, Eddy paid for the this first bike with funds he had earned himself at his job as an ice crusher, where he would take 50-pound blocks of ice and squeeze them between his thighs.

Perhaps most interestingly of all, Eddy won his first bike race the first time he ever rode a bike, and won it by accident. Evidently, he climbed upon his bike at home, began riding it, wound up at a local race and decided to join in the fun.

He eventually bridged to a breakaway and won in a hard-fought sprint at the finish. Years later, the person who took second would claim he let Eddy win because he was only eight months old, but photographic evidence suggests otherwise.

Tragically, Eddy would not receive the trophy due to him, nor the cash prize, because he had poached the race. Disheartened, Merckx would not race again until later that afternoon.

Surprising Racing Career Facts

The racing exploits of Eddy Merckx are as legendary as they are fascinating. A few lesser-known facts about his racing career are as follows:

• Eddy is the only person to have ever the Tour de France twice in a single year.
• Merckx is fluent in 18 languages and has preternaturally sharp hearing. Combined, these two attributes ensured that Eddy always knew everything everyone was talking about in the peloton.
• The limiting factor in his speed on a bicycle was actually the strength of the chain. If Eddy actually exerted the full force of his legs at any given moment, the bike chain would invariably break.
• Merckx’s bike actually weighed over 250 pounds, a joke the team mechanic played on Eddy for the duration of his career. “We built his bike out of lead, just to see if it would slow him down,” said Frank Frorchxtcxts (also a Belgian). “It did not.”
• Eddy had 10,009 career wins. This is interesting because 10,009 is a prime number.
• If the bike chain had not been the limiting factor in Merckx’s bike speed, the tires would have been, because they start to melt at speeds greater than 212 mph.
• Merckx actually won his first Tour de France in 1960 under the pseudonym Gastone Nancini. Merckx raced under a pseudonym because he was 15 at the time.
• Also, Eddy raced — and, naturally won — the 1980 Tour de France as Joop Zoetemelk. He did this for no other reason than to break Hinault’s winning streak.
• When Eddy Merckx set the hour record in 1972, he wasn’t even trying. He was just out on a recovery ride.
• Eddy was known as “The Cannibal” during his racing career, but maintains he has never in actuality eaten human flesh.

Post-Racing Career

After retiring for the pro peloton, Eddy Merckx formed a successful bike company.

He also embarked on a career of fighting crime, with an emphasis on catching criminals by, well, catching them. And also with a side-specialty of kicking doors in.

Or in the absence of doors, kicking down walls.

Eddy Merckx has earned seven doctoral degrees. His hobby is astronomy and he is currently building engaged in what will be the first lunar lander ever built, launched, landed on the moon, and returned to earth, by a single individual, using nothing but his own leg power.

Merckx says he started the project last week and expects to finish it by Saturday.

Belgium has recently honored Merckx by retiring the letter X from its alphabet; no words apart from “Merckx” shall use the letter from this point forward.

Notably, Eddy Merckx has never heard of Chuck Norris, but is widely reported to likely find such a poseur laughable.

Then, a few days later, I read this article in Bloomberg news:

Suddenly, it all made sense. When Pat McQuaid said they had “spoken to people of means” about investing in Global Cycling Promotion S.A. (the for-profit, race-promoting part of the non-profit UCI, which governs races and there is no conflict of interest here and please move along, there’s nothing to see here), he meant — among other people, I’m sure — me.

Thus reassured, I am now investigating becoming one of the benefactors of Global Cycling Promotion S.A. (GCPSA).

Although, to be honest, I still have reservations, and could use some advice on this matter. Please do me the favor of reading the letter I received, below, and letting me know whether you think this would be a good idea.

From the Desk of Patrick McQuaid

Dear The Fat Cyclist Nelson,

As you no doubt are aware, cycling is becoming an increasingly popular pastime throughout the world. With the recent economic difficulties throughout the world as well as increased interest in living a “green” lifestyle, more and more people are buying and riding bikes.

As a natural extension of this, bike racing is becoming more and more popular, especially races like The Tour de France.

Without question, there has never been a time quite like the present to become a part of the growing cycling community.

Well, what would you say, Mr. Cyclist Nelson, if I were to tell you that I represent both the world’s foremost cycling governing body and an up-and-coming cycling promotion organization, and can give you unprecedented access to both?!

Don’t answer yet!

Three Levels to Choose From!

What I’m offering you, Mr. Cyclist Nelson, is the opportunity to really be on the inside of the cycling world. In return for your investment in GCPSA, you’ll get instant and measurable return:

Silver-Level Investment

If you invest a minimum of USD$100,000.00 (payable in cash only, please), you’ll receive all of the following!

• A Rule Named After You: Sometime during the next year, the UCI will create a rule that is guaranteed to get attention in the press. We will name that rule after you. Imagine the excitement when, each time the rule is mentioned in the cycling press, your name is included! Your Google juice will flow like never before!
• An “I Put the “U” in “UCI” T-Shirt: Let people know that you are the driving force and (and partial owner) behind cycling’s governing body and premier race promotion agency (and trust me, once we make rules that effectively outlaw all other race promoters, we will be the premier race promotion agency)
• One 4oz Indulgence For One Rider’s Bike, for One Stage of Any Race: You have a favorite cyclist, right? And you’d like to see that cyclist win, right? Well, we can’t guarantee anything (at least, not at this level), but for one stage of one race, a cyclist of your choosing will be allowed to race with a bike 4oz lighter than the UCI lower limit. Is that enough to make the difference between first and second place? It seems to us like it just might be.
• An 8″ Bust of Me (Pat McQuaid), made of Pure Toblerone Chocolate. The real dilemma here is, should you eat it, or proudly display it on the mantle? (I recommend the latter!)

Gold-Level Investment

How strong is your commitment to cycling, Fat (I hope you don’t mind me calling you “Fat,” for I feel we are kindred spirits)? If it’s truly strong and you are able to show this strength in the form of a minimum investment of $500,000, you will receive everything in the Silver-Level Investment list, plus all of the following:

• A Yellow Jersey
• A laminated card that fits easily inside a jersey pocket, with the following text: “This card gives the bearer the right to wear a yellow jersey at any ride or race, at any time, regardless of the bearer’s actual position in the race, according to UCI Statute 3-UCI-18930.9b. Further, the bearer of this card shall not be given any crap whatsoever by smarthmouthed riders, lest they bring upon them the full wrath of the UCI. Signed, [Pat McQuaid Signature]
• A signed, 8×10 glossy photo of Pat McQuaid (me), suitable for framing.
• Three 4oz Indulgences, to be Used In Any Combination You Choose. Would you like to give a cyclist the right to ride an extra-light bike on three consecutive stages? Or give three riders on a team the right to each ride with an extra-light bike on one stage? Or let one rider ride one stage with a bike that is 12oz lighter than anyone else’s? It’s your call.
• Your Name on one GCPSA Event: We’ll add “brought to you by” and your name as part of the event of your choosing. Many of our events are watched by literally hundreds of people, so this is quite likely worthe the investment all by itself!
• Elimination of an Annoying Rule: Have you ever wondered why the UCI has so many ridiculous rules? Well, wonder no more! We created these rules to make you look brilliant and powerful when one of those rules is discarded! When you join the Gold-Level Investment club, we will release a statement saying that, due to your persuasive, level-headed thinking, we have reconsidered the wisdom of [whichever rule you don't care for], and have eliminated it, effective immediately. You will be a cycling hero!

Platinum-Level Investment

If cycling is more than a fleeting interest for you, Fat, you might want to consider the highest level of investment in the UCI / GCPSA: Platinum. Certainly, $1,000,000.00 is no trifling amount, but I think you’ll agree it’s well worth it. Because, in addition to all of the rewards in both the Silver- and Gold-Level Investments (see above), you’ll also receive the following:

• One Season-Long 4oz Indulgence: Pick a rider. Any rider. That rider now gets to ride a bike that is four ounces lighter than the UCI limit, for the whole season. Now I’m not a betting man (as far as you know), but if I were, I might start making some wagers on that racer.
• Create a Rule: Is there something that irks you about the world of cycling? Tell us what it is. We’ll create a rule that fixes the problem. (Not to give too much away, but do you think that we really felt last year that race radios needed to be eliminated?)
• One Scale Malfunction: You know, technology doesn’t always work the way it ought. Sometimes, just for example, a scale might register a bike as being inordinately heavy. Or perhaps it might find a bike unusually light. Isn’t technology frustrating?

BFF-Level Investment

To learn about the BFF Investment Level, please contact us directly, using an unmarked envelope, sent from a location other than your house. We will be in touch after vetting you thoroughly and ensuring that you have no entanglements we might find inconvenient.

We cannot disclose here the amount required from you as a BFF-Level Investor, nor do we find it wise to disclose the perks. But we can assure you they are both quite substantial.

Intrigued? There’s More!

Is all of this interesting, but you still want more? Well, reply today and you’ll also — at no obligation to you — receive the following!

• 2011 Tour of Beijing T-Shirt (one of each size)
• 2011 Tour of Beijing Water Bottles
• 2011 Tour of Beijing air filtration mask
• 2011 Tour of Beijing Balloons (500)
• 2011 Tour of Beijing snack packs (note: for display only; snack packs have expired)
• 2011 Tour of Beijing Pens (as many as will fit in the box)
• 2011 Tour of Beijing Leaders Jersey
• 2011 Tour of Beijing notepads
• 2011 Tour of Beijing Superballs (9; do not touch, may contain lead)
• 2011 Tour of Beijing Yo-yo
• More Surprises! Quite possibly from the 2011 Tour of Beijing!

Mr. Cyclist Nelson, I’m sure a man of business such as yourself you can see the value in investing in GCPSA. Please support the next evolution in cycling promotion / regulation by becoming an investor. I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Best Regards,

Pat McQuaid
President, UCI / Global Cycling Promotion S.A.

Said Derek J Vanderwood, lead attorney for the plaintiffs, “Our clients have extensive resources, long memories, and — frankly — plenty of time to pursue this case.”

“Besides,” said Vanderwood, “I find it completely impossible to say ‘no’ to them.”

The Case

According to spokesperson Lisa “The Hammer” Nelson, a local grandmother and well-known hardcore cyclist who could basically kick your trash from here to Albuquerque, “We, the grandmothers of the world, are sick to death of the lowest gear on bicycles being called ‘the granny gear.’ We find the stereotype insulting, not to mention inaccurate.”

Continued the grandmother to one, “You think I got my nickname by using the small ring? Join me for a quick hundred-mile ride sometime, road or dirt. Flats or mountains. We’ll see who goes to the small ring first.”

Then, noting the averted eyes and apologetic mumbling of the assembled press corp, Nelson said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Come here and let me give you a hug.”

A grandmother protesting the usage of the term “granny gear,” as well as the general boniness of many cyclists.

Kellene Mortensen, grandmother and multiple-time finisher of the weeklong “Ride the Rockies” ride, famous for its grueling multi-mountain-pass stages, added, “I usually ride with women my age because the men can’t keep up. How about calling it the ‘grandpa gear?’”

Alternate Names Considered

Gary Holcombe, assistant attorney on the case, said that in addition to damages, the lawsuit against all agencies, companies and cyclists who have used — and especially those who continue to use — the term “granny gear,” will henceforth be required to use one of the following alternate terms:

• Easy gear
• Old man gear
• Gear formerly known as granny

“Or,” said Grandma Hammer, “you could give it an adorable pet name, like ‘The Fatty Gear.’”

Cycling Industry Responds

Cycling industry representatives were uncharacteristically available and willing to respond to this suit. “Let me be the first to apologize,” said Chuck Ibis. “I would never intentionally hurt a grandma’s feelings. I’ll never do it again, Grandma.”

“Also,” continued Ibis, “I really like those socks you knitted me for Christmas, and I wear them every single day.”

Added beloved and award-winning cycling blogger Elden ‘Fatty’ Nelson, “My mom’s a grandma like a million times over at this point. I would never hurt her feelings. Sorry, mom. I’ll never call say ‘granny gear’ again.”

“Oh,” continued Fatty, “And also The Hammer’s a grandma. Holy smokes, that cracks me up every time I say it.”

Fatty then began laughing convulsively for approximately ninety seconds, then tried his darnedest to put on a sober face and said, “Sorry, Lisa.”

Laird Knight, owner of the endurance race promotion company formerly known as “Granny Gear Productions,” best known for its 24 Hours of Moab event, likewise issued an apology. “For years, our signature race has been in decline. It has recently come to light that this is quite likely due to grandmothers across the United States offering oblique statements of disapproval of our name, saying things like, ‘Oh, are you really sure that doing that race is such a good idea?’”

“To all grandmothers, I offer my sincere apologies and the assurance that neither I nor anyone in my employ shall ever use the term ‘granny gear’ ever again. Now please, tell your grandkids it’s OK to come race again. I’m begging here.”

Upon hearing the virtual stampede of cycling luminaries falling over themselves to apologize and reingratiate themselves with their grandmothers, Margaret Abernathy, a grandmother and track cyclist from Ohio, responded on behalf of other grandmothers. “Oh, it’s fine, really,” said Abernathy. “Don’t make such a fuss.”

Concluded Abernathy, “Why don’t you all come over this weekend? I made applesauce.”

In addition to the most important thing — that 1001 kids’ lives are going to be changed for the better — this means that someone is going to join Johan, The Hammer, and me in Zambia.

Oh, and there’s no reason why this shouldn’t wind up being 1111 bikes for kids in Zambia. The contest remains open; we continue to appreciate your donations! – FC

A Note From Fatty About What You Should Expect On This Blog For the Next Couple Weeks: To tell the truth, I have no idea what you should expect on this blog for the next couple weeks. No, that’s not exactly true. I know that you should not expect me on this blog, because I won’t be writing it.

That’s because I’m going to be in France. Riding my bike. With Andy Freaking Hampsten and Chuck Ibis, for crying out loud.

Yes, really.

However, unlike some cycling comedy blogs, when leave I don’t just leave. No. I love you too much for that.

Instead, I have asked Paul Guyot, a huge (not literally) Friend of Fatty and a writer / producer for Leverage, to write this blog for me for a couple weeks. Paul’s guest-posted here before, and honestly, my biggest concern is that after having him write here for a couple weeks, I won’t be welcome when I return.

But what does Paul get out of this?

Well, Paul gets a little help in his fundraising for the Austin LiveStrong Challenge. During the two weeks Paul is guest-posting, he’ll have at least one Trek LiveStrong bike to give away. Have you heard of the LiveStrong bike? Well, here, check it out:

To get a chance at winning this bike, just donate a multiple of $5.00 to Paul’s LiveStrong Challenge page anytime between when he begins guest-posting (August 29) and when he finishes guest-posting (September 9). Every $5.00 you donate gets you a chance at the bike.

Oh, and this is cool: If more than $10,000 is donated to Paul’s LiveStrong Challenge page during the contest, he’ll give away two bikes instead of one.

This contest open to US residents only, OK? Sorry about that; we just don’t have a way to get a bike to a winner outside of the US.

A Note from Fatty About Tomorrow’s Post: Be sure to check in tomorrow; I have a guest post from Cole Chlouber, a friend of mine you might remember from the Leadville Q&A liveblog I did at the beginning of this month. I’ve asked him to write up his story about doing the Leadville Trail 100 run.

Mainly because the idea of doing that race terrifies me and intrigues me, in pretty much equal parts. And because I am pretty sure that someday The Hammer is going to want to do that race and I want to know what we’re in for.

OK, now, finally, on with today’s news.

News Flash! WADA Expands Scope, Changes Name to WADARARA

Montreal, Canada (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Noting substantive progress in the war on doping in cycling, the World Anti-Doping Agency today announced that it was expanding its scope of operations, as well as revising its name.

“I’m pleased to announce,” said John Fahey, President of the until-very-recently-named WADA, “that nobody dopes anymore. At all. In fact, for the past few months, mostly we’ve been hanging around the office, wishing we had something to do.”

“And that’s when it struck us,” continued Fahey. “Our mission, until now — while very admirable and noble — has been entirely too narrow. We shouldn’t simply be in the business of eliminating doping from the world of cycling — and, I suppose, other sporting activities, though we honestly don’t care if athletes in other sports dope, just so long as cycling is squeaky-clean.”

“We should be,” emphasized President Fahey, “in the business of eliminating any performance-enhancing item from the sport of cycling.”

“And that is why,” concluded Fahey, “I am pleased to announce that effective immediately, we are changing the name of our agency from ‘World Anti-Doping Agency’ to ‘World Anti-Doping and Rock and Roll Agency.’”

“Or ‘WADARARA,’ for short,” interjected Dick Pound, who had suddenly materialized at Fahey’s side. “Which, by the way, is pronounced, ‘Wah-Dah-RARRRRRRR-ah.’”

“Oh, I should also announce,” said a visibly surprised Fahey, evidently not expecting Pound’s dramatic appearance, “that Dick Pound has come out of retirement in order to supervise operations in the Rock and Roll Regulations Division (RARRD) of our agency.”

“Which is pronounced “RAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRd,” explained Dick Pound.

Asked why Pound had been selected, Fahey replied, “Mostly because we all kind of missed having an excuse to say ‘Dick Pound’ from time to time. You would be amazed at what a morale boost it gives us.”

“Dick Pound,” repeated Fahey, with a smile.

Reasoning

When asked why WADARARA would seek to regulate the listening habits of cyclists, Dick Pound explained, “Our mission has always been to level the playing field of cycling. It has recently become clear to us that the right song played at the right moment can give one cyclist an unfair advantage over other cyclists.”

“If, for example,” explained Dick Pound, “two otherwise equivalent cyclists ride an individual time trial and one listens to John Denver while the other listens to Rage Against the Machine,” studies show that the rider who listens to Rage Against the Machine will win every single time, and often by a substantial margin. Especially if the song ‘Renegades of Funk’ is in the playlist.”

“As an interesting aside,” noted Dick Pound, “The cyclist who listens to John Denver is likely to not finish the time trial at all, but will likely pull over to the side of the road at some point along the way and begin admiring the landscape and perhaps take off his shoes and wander barefoot in the grass.”

“It’s quite a disturbing spectacle to behold, I can assure you,” said Dick Pound, meaningfully.

“In any case,” continued Dick Pound, “We do not feel it is fair for foreign substances such as rock and roll to play a part in who wins, and who loses, a race. Thus, from this point forward, no cyclist — at any level — is allowed to listen to rock and roll.

Asked for clarification, Dick Pound explained, “Cyclists don’t gain an unfair advantage from cycling under the influence of rock and roll merely when competing; they can reap the same general benefits by training while listening to rock and roll. This simply cannot be allowed.”

“And since it’s entirely possible,” said Dick Pound, “that any given cyclist may some day become a racer, we must therefore forbid all cyclists from every listening to rock and roll. Beginning now.”

Enforcement Tactics

When asked how they plan to prevent cyclists from listening to rock and roll, Dick Pound replied, “It’s really quite simple. Initially we’ll just assume that everyone is honest and will ask them to not listen to rock and roll.”

“As the program matures, however, we’ll begin sending agents out on the street, looking for cyclists. When we see one, we’ll use special-purpose scanners to see if they have any kind of device that would allow them to listen to music. If they do, we’ll demand to see the playlist, which we will validate against our frequently-updated database of known rock and roll bands.”

“Finally, at some point in the future (hopefully by December of this year), we will begin going door to door, confiscating any rock and roll-capable device from anyone who also owns a bicycle.”

“Incidentally, we plan to fund this program via a brisk business in selling second-hand electronics.”

Reaction from the Cycling Community

The cycling community had no comment to make on today’s announcement, because they were not allowed to.