04.16.2009 | 9:02 am
PARIS (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a startling turn of events today, the French Anti-doping Agency (AFLD) announced it is proceeding with disciplinary action toward several key members of Team Astana, essentially eliminating any chance the Kazakhstan-based cycling team has of competing in the 2009 Tour de France.
The extraordinary sequence of events began approximately one month ago, when an agent of AFLD asked Lance Armstrong for blood, urine, and hair samples. According to Armstrong, the American cycling star — having just returned from a long training ride — then evidently requested and obtained permission to take a shower while the AFLD representative’s credentials were verified.
Today, however, AFLD president Pierre Bordry revealed that there is much more to the story.
“Yes, Armstrong did ask to take a shower,” stated Bordry, “But he did not follow up by saying, ‘Mother may I?’”
Continued the AFLD official, “If Armstrong had correctly followed the protocol clearly stated in the Mother May I (MMI) handbook, he would not be in the trouble he is in. Because we totally would not have said, ‘Yes you may.’”
Concluded Bordry, “Armstrong purports to be a professional cyclist. If he doesn’t know how [MMI] is played, that’s his own problem and he’ll have to deal with the consequences. As you recall, Mr. Armstrong himself recently said, ‘It’s their event, their country, and their rules, and we have to play by those.’ Well, Mr. Armstrong, here in France we play MMI. And until you hear ‘Yes you may,’ you most certainly may not.”
Contador Out Too
In a press conference today, the AFLD announced that Armstrong is not the only Astana team member in hot water. Said a spokesman for the AFLD, “Today, in a routine out-of-competition collection, one of our representatives requested that Astana team member Alberto Contador fill up a sample bottle with urine.”
Continued the spokesman, “At this point, Contador immediately complied. However, the AFLD had not preceded the request by saying ‘Simon says.’”
“The rules are clear and unequivocal,” concluded the spokesman. “You don’t do anything until you hear ‘Simon says.’ Contador is banned from all professional cycling for two years, effective immediately.”
“It’s true. He totally got me,” said the Tour de France winner and former hopeful. “I had nailed each of the instructions leading up to this — roll up my sleeves, stand on one foot, shave my left armpit — but he got me on that last one.”
Said Contador ruefully, “Man, sometimes these French drug controls can be really tricky.”
More Problems for Astana
Armstrong and Contador — arguably two of the strongest podium contenders for the 2009 Tour de France — are not the only Astana members facing charges from the AFLD. According to the press release sent out today, other violations from the team include:
- Levi Leipheimer: Refusing to provide a hair sample. “In my defense,” said Leipheimer, “I didn’t actually refuse to provide a hair sample. I simply don’t have any hair. What were my options?”
- Andreas Kloden: Failure to acknowledge that Jerry Lewis is a comedic genius. Kloden defended himself, saying, “I have watched The Nutty Professor, the Patsy, and The Family Jewels. I tried to find the humor in them. I really did. But it’s all just mugging and variations on one silly voice. How is that funny?” “If you don’t get it, just say so,” retorted the AFLD spokesman.
- Chris Horner: Eating Hot Pockets. “Those things are an abomination and we will not permit anyone who eats such things in our country,” said Bordry.
AFLD Not Done
Once in contention for an unprecedented podium sweep at the Tour de France, Astana is now unlikely to participate in the race at all. But the AFLD housecleaning is far from over. “Unfortunately,” said Bordry, “there are many more non-French teams who have exhibited suspect behavior.”
Concluded Bordry, “We will not rest until all these nefarious cyclists have been removed from contention, making way for a truly clean team — such as Ag2r-La Mondiale, Agritubel, Bouygues Télécom, Cofidis, Crédit Agricole, or Française des Jeux — to take its rightful place on the podium on the Champs-Élysées.”
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04.6.2009 | 6:32 am
Wilson, NC (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a packed press conference today, Aqu Sports announced details for its much anticipated and talked-about Tour of America.
“It’s been almost exactly a year since we sent out a press release asserting the Tour of America would begin in September of 2009,” said Tour Director Frank Arokiasamy. “We felt it was high time to start filling in the blanks.”
2009 Plans
According to Race Director Richard Dunn, “2008 went by really fast, and before we knew it — whoah, there was December and we still hadn’t signed up any cities or sponsors or teams for the 2009 event.”
“We probably should have started making calls before November, but you know, it’s really hot in North Carolina during the summer and the air conditioning in our office kind of sucks, and then when autumn comes it’s so beautiful and the weather’s so nice that you just want to get outside,” continued Dunn.
“Long story short, our plan for 2009 became to focus on writing a really solid plan for 2010 – 2012 and calling 2009 a mulligan. And I feel we did an excellent job of that,” said the Race Director. “I’ll leave the details up to Karen, our Logistics Director, to give you the details of those plans now.”
2010 Plans
“For 2010,” said Karen D. O’Neill, logistics director for the Tour of America, “We plan to blame the economy for our not doing the race.”
“Of course,” explained O’Neill, “that’s not the way we’ll start out. A few months from now we’ll announce that we’re going to do this race in 2010. Then we’ll go dark again for a while. It won’t be until sometime in early 2010 that we’ll actually make the announcement that either the economy is still too bad to support a race of this magnitude, or that the economy has recovered too recently for us to meet our financial obligations in a timely manner.”
“Which, of course,” concluded O’Neill, “leads us to 2011.”
2011 Plans
“For 2011, we actually do plan to conduct a Tour of America,” said Arokiasamy. “However, it will be in South America. And it will be unsupported. And it will be raced entirely on motorcycles, instead of bicycles. Also we will avoid cities and roads altogether, having the course go up and down the coastline…and under water, when there is no beach…or when the tide is high.”
Interrupted Arokiasamy, “We feel that this will give us precisely the kind of experience we need to come back to North America the following year for the Fifth Annual Tour of America.”
2012 Plans and Beyond
“By 2012,” said Arokiasamy, “we will have established ourselves as the premier stage race in America, having either put on a race or had a very good excuse each of the preceeding four years.”
“And for 2012, we hope to begin planning very exciting plans indeed,” effused the Tour Director. “Namely, we will tell everyone that the race is planned for a certain date in July. Then, when everyone shows up on that date, we will look confused for a minute and then take a quick look at our printed materials and slap our palms to our foreheads and exclaim, ‘Oh my! We actually had the race in June! I can’t believe we said July. Sorry about that!’ And then we’ll all have a good laugh.”
Concluded the owner of the fledgling race promoter. “And then, of course, we’ll get busy working on the 2013 race. We’ve got an absolutely terrific course in mind for that year.”
The news conference did not have a Q&A session, with the race promoter citing “important drawing of colorful lines on maps to do.”
Comments (21)
01.16.2009 | 10:50 am
A Note from Fatty: The raffle for the Gary Fisher Superfly Singlespeed is still going on. Click here for details on how you can enter.
NEW YORK (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Rock Racing today clarified its “Here to Stay” slogan prominently displayed on the splash screen of its web site.
Said Rock Racing owner Michael Ball, “When we say ‘Here to Stay,’ we mean it quite literally. For example, we had the option of buying a UCI license and going to the Tour de San Luis, or we could stay home.”
“We stayed.”
Continued Ball, “And now we’re applying the same metric to the Tour of California, as well as — frankly — all the other races of the season: should we go and race, or should we stay?”
Concluded Ball: “Quite likely, we won’t go anywhere. In other words, we are here to stay.”
Other Options Considered
According to Rock Racing Press Relations Officer Michael Ball, the team management has considered adopting other slogans in light of the team’s uncertain future. These slogans include:
- Rock Racing: Here for a While.
- Rock Racing: Here Until We’re Not.
- Rock Racing: This Space for Rent.
- Rock Racing: Can You Spare $300 for a Pair of Pants?
Ultimately, however, these options were rejected by the Team Board of Directors (consisting of Michael Ball), which elected instead to release another spate of 15 jersey designs, all of them mostly black with a skull.
Said Rock Racing Accessories and Team Products Officer Michael Ball, “These jerseys are a real steal at only $287.99.”
Alternative Fundraising Method Announced
Faced with uncertain economic times, Rock Racing CFO Michael Ball announced today that it would be adopting a fundraising model similar to Garmin-Chipotle’s very successful Argyle Club promotion.
“The Skull Club is our new exclusive, limited members-only fan club,” said Michael Ball, “and I’m pleased to announce the member benefits, which include:
- Jersey of the Week: Each week you will get a mostly-black jersey with a skull on it. There will be a corresponding competition to determine what the difference is between the current week’s and previous week’s jersey design. The winner will get an actual human skull as a prize.
- A Signed 8 x 10 Glossy Photograph of Michael Ball
- One Pair of Pants: For an extra $300, these pants will even be in the correct size.
- A Set of Five 4 x 5 Glossy Photographs of Michael Ball. To give to your very grateful friends and family. Not signed.
- A Coupon Good for a Ride in One of the Team Escalantes. But you’ve got to fill the tank. Fair’s fair.
- Race Day Tactics, Provided by Directeur Sportif Michael Ball: This feature only available if the team goes to any races.
“Membership in the Skull Club is offered at an introductory price of $49,995.95,” said Ball. “That’s only three times as much as you’d pay retail for the jerseys and pants. And since we always do a 300% markup, we figured that’s about right.”
Comments (34)
09.10.2008 | 11:38 am
A Note from Fatty: I don’t know what’s going on with my blog this week. I’ve been writing pretty normal posts (an open letter to Specialized, an ode to chocolate syrup), but when I post them, these weird “Journal of Dr. Prescott” stories have been appearing, instead.
So, because I have an important world-exclusive story today, I have disabled my normal publishing system and implemented a new, stronger data transfer algorithm (it’s vertically stiff and horizontally compliant, which is a good thing in data transfer algorithms), and am bringing you this news at great expense and personal risk.
Because the story must be told, that’s why.
Exclusive: Lance Armstrong Returns to Pro Racing
Austin, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a major world-scooping exclusive, Fat Cyclist Fake News Service (FCFNS) is pleased to be the first to announce that Lance Armstrong will be returning to professional cycling.
“I’m returning to professional cycling,” Armstrong told FCFNS. “Which is to say, I’ll be racing my bike as a professional cyclist.”
“Also,” continued Armstrong in this very surprising and exclusive interview, “I will be joining a professional bicycle racing team, and I plan to race the Tour de France next year.”
“Finally,” summed up Armstrong in this unprecedented and unequaled interview, “I will be racing to win. And now I’ve got to go talk with those guys at Vanity Fair and tell them all the stuff I just told you.”
This news is certain to sweep the industry within the next few days, so FCFNS has contacted key players in the cycling industry to get their reactions.
Reaction from Team Astana
Johan Bruyneel, director of Team Astana, quickly denied that Armstrong will be racing with Team Astana. “We’re very excited to announce that we have nothing to announce,” said Bruyneel. “Lance Armstrong is not on our team, and you should not assume that he is on our team until we tell you he is, which will be in a couple of weeks. Further, when we announce that Armstrong will in fact be racing with Astana, we’d appreciate it if you’d all pretend to be surprised.”
Alberto Contador, winner of the 2007 Tour de France, expressed enthusiasm at the prospect of having Armstrong on the team. “In 2007 I gave my all in order to win the Tour de France. In 2008 — through no fault of my own — I was not allowed to defend my title. So, as you may expect, I’m very excited to return to the Tour de France in 2009 as a domestique to Mr. Armstrong.”
“How,” continued Contador, “could I possibly be anything but excited? The only way I could be more excited would be if Astana stole Basso from Liquigas, too. Maybe we could have a team made up of nothing but GC contenders. That would be swell.”
“Story of my life,” mumbled Levi Leipheimer.
Reaction from OLN
Executives from the OLN VS network were unavailable unable to comment, due to the fact that they were all rolling around on the floor, cheering, laughing, and praising various and sundry deity. Phrases that could made out through the din tended to be along the lines of, “We’re saved!”
Al Trautwig made himself available for comment outside VS headquarters. Since, however, nobody asked, he gave it anyway: “Lance Armstrong! Seven time Tour de France champion! Lance Lance Lance! The man from Texas! Lancity Lancity Lance Lance Lance!”
Trautwig was then ushered off the premises by local police, evidently at the request of VS security.
Reaction from Christian Prudhomme
Christian Prudhomme, director of the Tour de France, commented that, “We at ASO are simultaneously pleased and outraged that Lance Armstrong wants to race in the Tour de France next year. We sincerely look forward to the revenue, press, and excitement he will bring to the 2009 race, and look forward even more to leaking snide comments and unvetted test results to the press during the next several months.”
“You’ll need to excuse me now,” finished Prudhomme. “I need to go figure out how I can appear to be taking the high road when I announce that team Astana — which will otherwise have changed nothing since we barred them from racing in the 2008 Tour de France — is welcome in 2009.
Reaction from Greg Lemond
Former Tour de France champion Greg Lemond almost certainly has an opinion regarding this news, but nobody dared go near him to ask what it is.
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PS: Cycling Utah, a printed monthly magazine, interviews me in the current issue. You can download a PDF here and discover how goofy and all over the map I am when people ask me straightforward questions.
PPS: Those of you who follow the comments section of this blog are undoubtedly familiar with BotchedExperiment. Well, Botched had himself one heck of a weekend, as detailed in his wife’s blog. Warning: it involves a chainsaw and some really, really gross photos of Botched’s leg. I think you get the idea.
Comments (76)
09.6.2007 | 9:31 pm
A Note from Fatty: I wrote this last night, but checking out the Trust but Verify (News, Research and Commentary about the Floyd Landis Doping Allegations) blog this morning, I see that I’m not the first person to do a futuristic piece of fake news on this topic. Pommi’s World had a nice piece of fake news a couple weeks ago along the same lines (I swear, I didn’t steal the idea from him). Check it out.
Paris, September 7, 2035 (Fat Cyclist Future News Service) – Floyd Landis, winner of the 2006 Tour de France, is free to race his bike again, with the advent of all charges being dismissed today.
Strangely, however, the charges were not dropped due to a unanimous — or even majority — vote by the selected CAS-AAA arbitration panel, but simply because all three of the arbitrators have now reached retirement age.
USADA would normally have the right to select new panelists in this event, allowing the arbitration to continue into its 29th year. However, two circumstances have prevented this from happening:
- USADA has not existed for more than twenty years, since the momentous day in 2014 when they, along WADA and UCI, admitted they had no idea what they were doing and were going to close up shop, leaving Dr. Dan Richardson to handle all legal cycling matters from that point forward.
- Nobody else now wants to take up the arbitration. In fact, very few people even remember what the case was about.
Said Dr. Richardson, “I’m happy to welcome Mr. Landis back into the professional cycling peloton. Also, I should probably apologize to Floyd for not having dismissed his case sooner. The thing is, though, I’ve been really busy…um…for the last thirty years.”
History
Shortly after winning the Tour de France, Floyd Landis fell under suspicion for Testosterone doping. He immediately challenged this accusation, and the arbitration panel, having heard the evidence, retired in early 2007 to consider the evidence at hand.
They have been, evidently, considering it ever since.
Most people thought that a month or so would be enough time to sift through the testimonies and render a verdict. Practically everyone thought a quarter of a year would be plenty. Virtually nobody thought that the arbitration panel would make it their life’s work, and then retire without having yet come to a conclusion.
In 2009, suspecting the worst, Floyd Landis had himself cryogenically frozen, with the instructions that he was to be thawed “when and if those guys ever make up their minds.”
Wakened today, Mr. Landis was heard to remark, “Holy crap, my hip is cold!” Then, hearing the news, Landis wryly responded, “Well, that figures,” and then got on his bike, evidently preparing for what would certainly be a remarkable comeback.
New Challenges Await
Landis has his work cut out for him if he hopes to win the 2036 Tour de France. He will, of course, have to race against the 21 clones of President Lance Armstrong (teams are limited to 1 clone per team), not to mention the Trek Synthuman / Madone hybrids — the integrated bicycle / purpose-specific lifeforms engineered to spin a cadence of 480rpm at a wattage of 912. For three months straight. Without need for sleep or food.
“Whatever,” commented Landis.
The Cycling World Reacts
Noted cycling authority Al Trautwig remarked on this occasion, “Lance Armstrong! Lance! Seventeen time Tour de France champion! President of the United States and King of Texas!” This was not remarkable, because this is all Al Trautwig has said for eight years. In Trautwig’s defense, he does say it with enthusiasm and a deep, resonant voice.
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen, each looking great considering how old they are, took the occasion to note that they knew Mr. Landis was innocent right from the beginning. Nobody dares contradict them, for fear of being called “youngster,” then being forced to listen to more than a combined 120-years worth of cycling stories and history.
Dave Zabriskie said something, but it was practically impossible to understand. One is tempted to put this down to old age, but the truth is, Zabriskie’s always been practically impossible to understand.
Elden Nelson, most beloved cycling blogger in the world and four-time Grammy winner, commented, “This is extremely strange, because 28 years ago, I predicted this exact thing would happen.”
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