04.6.2007 | 5:35 am
PARIS, FRANCE (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Three agencies integral to the sport of professional cycling held a joint press conference today, in order to make a number of important announcements regarding the 2007 Tour de France.
“First and foremost,” said Patrice Clerc, President of Amaury Sport Organization (ASO), the promoter of the Tour de France), “I want to be the first to congratulate whoever wins the 2007 Tour de France. You are truly a great champion, and ASO thanks you for making our business possible. While we do not yet know who will win the Tour, I feel it is vital we acknowledge that person as the pinnacle of strength, conditioning, and personal sacrifice he undoubtedly must be.”
“Next,” continued Clerc, “I’d like to take this opportunity to accuse the aforementioned winner of using unscrupulous and nefarious methods to obtain this prize, and hereby accuse him — whoever he is — of doping.”
An Open and Shut Case
Dick Pound, Chairman of the World Anti-Doping Association (WADA), was on hand to elaborate.
“When was the last time we had a Grand Tour winner who was not eventually accused and — at least in the court of public opinion –convicted of doping?”
Continued Pound, “Our problem, in the past, was one of timing. We keep waiting until after someone has won a grand tour to make insinuations. By then, the public has gotten behind the rider and we’ve got a public relations nightmare on our hands.”
“Really, it’s very simple,” said the Chairman of WADA. “Follow my logic, if you please. Every single rider at the Tour de France is a superior athlete. If one person is able to beat all these other people, that person must be doing something the others aren’t doing. However, everybody knows that every single one of these athletes is doing every legitimate thing he can to be the best racer he can be. And since every racer is doing every allowable thing, but only one person can win, the person who wins must be doing something that is not allowed.”
“And what is not allowed?” asked Mr. Pound. “Doping is not allowed, that’s what.”
Concluded the Chairman of WADA, “I think it’s time we stop beating around the bush and be direct about this: If you win the Tour de France, you are a doper. Pure and simple. So while I admire the future winner of the Tour de France, I have nothing but contempt for the unethical way in which you will go about winning.”
New Features in this Year’s Tour
Pat McQuaid, President of the International Cycling Union (UCI) announced that in conjunction with this preemptive dismissal of the winner of the TdF, several useful and interesting new features will be added to the race.
“In addition to having the team car following the race leader,” said McQuaid, “we will now have a police car, just in case he tries to make a break for it. We will also have GPS-based location transmitters sewn right into the yellow jersey.”
“The award ceremony will have some new drama, as well,” said McQuaid. “In addition to the stuffed lion and the yellow jersey, the holder of the maillot jaune will be handed a pair of ceremonial handcuffs by myself and Mr. Pound, and then we will slap him.”
“The final ceremony will be even better,” concluded the UCI President.. “In addition to the traditional pomp and prizes, we will also have law enforcement personnel, a judge and prosecuting attorneys on hand to serve notice of arrest, a search warrant, and in fact begin the arraignment proceedings. It will be spectacular.”
Racers React
“I suddenly don’t feel so well,” said Ivan Basso, following the press conference. “Also, I have a pain in my knee and my goiter’s acting up. I intend to race still, but frankly don’t see my prospects as all that good.”
“My back is killing me,” commented Alexandre Vinokourov.
“I feel a general sense of malaise,” noted Iban Mayo, though nobody asked.
Final Word
Concluding the presentation, Christian Prudhomme, Director of the Tour de France, said, “I’d like to make a couple of final points. First, I’m afraid that once we strip the outright winner of the Tour de France of his title, the second place winner will be promoted to the winning spot and is thus a doper as well. And so on and so on, until we’ve had our fun.”
“Second,” concluded the race Director, “All of this is null and void in the event of a Frenchman winning the Tour.”
Comments (48)
02.20.2007 | 10:24 pm
SANTA ROSA, CA (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a stunning announcement made today, Tyler Hamilton has given notice that he is suing the Tour of Amgen. Having successfully obtained an emergency injunction against the race, forcing it to halt until further notice, Hamilton is now seeking to be inserted into the race, with the final objective being a do-over of the first stage.
Said Tinkoff Credit Systems team manager Omar Piscina, “Quite clearly, Tyler Hamilton should have been in Stage 1 of this tour. Have you seen that pileup?”
Continued the distraught Piscina, “How would you, if you were Clint Eastwood, feel if you went to a viewing of Fistful of Dollars, only to find that somehow you were no longer in the movie? It is just the same for Tyler Hamilton and massive, high-drama, late-in-stage crashes.”
Concluded Piscina, “If there has ever been a crash that Tyler should be involved in, this crash was it.”
“Really, all I want is a shot at the thing,” added the usually deferential Hamilton, a hard edge in his voice and a hungry look in his eye. “I just want to be allowed to race right in the middle of that pack when it rounds the corner.”
“If nobody else is willing to crab a pedal or touch wheels this time, I’ll do it myself,” said the newly-returned racer. “All I really need is to get a nice painful roadrash. Maybe a broken collarbone wouldn’t be too much to ask. Or a concussion and a broken ankle, if I get to pick.”
“This is my trademark, and I intend to defend it, come hell or high water,” finished the Man from Marblehead.
Race Leader Reacts
Told of Hamilton’s intention to use any avenues necessary to revisit the first stage of the Amgen Tour — and in particular, the huge peloton demoliton derby toward the end – race leader Levi Leipheimer looked thoughtful.
“I admit,” said Leipheimer, after a moment, “even as I hit the pavement I thought to myself, ‘Tyler Hamilton must be somewhere nearby.’ To have this kind of wreck without him even in the same state just doesn’t feel right.”
“So yeah,” shrugged Leipheimer, “it’s like, if you go to an Elvis concert, you expect to see the King. Same thing with Hamilton and crashes. I guess I’m OK for a do-over.”
Legal Precedent
While this legal action is generally considered unusual, it is by no means unique, as Tinkoff Legal Counsel M. Fetyukovitch explained. “Many people do not realize, but each stage of the 2003-2005 Tours de France was shot with multiple takes, with racers forced to do the race over and over until OLN had an outcome it was happy with.”
“All we ask is that Mr. Hamilton be allowed to practice his unique and highly-refined skill. To do what he does best, if you will.”
Concluded Mr. Fetyukovitch, “It’s been two years, people. He doesn’t have many racing years left in him. For the love of all that’s good in the world, please let Tyler Hamilton be a part of the Amgen Stage 1 crash.”
PS: Today’s weight: 164.2
Comments (22)
11.26.2006 | 10:31 pm
Several Very Helpful Fat Cyclist Readers (VHFCRs, as I like to think of you) recently forwarded me an interesting tidbit of information: Lance Armstrong intends to race the Leadville 100 next year. Says Armstrong at the opening of his eponymous fitness center in Austin, TX (and no, this is not Fake News):
“The other bit of a challenge I want to do is a bit crazy. It’s a mountain bike race in August held in Colorado called the Leadville 100. It’s about an 8 to 9 hour mountain bike race, mostly on single track that very few people do and even fewer finish.â€
Upon reading this, I of course had a complex series of thoughts, including:
- “Oh boy! I’m going to meet Lance Armstrong!”
- “I’d better make sure I’m wearing a LiveStrong band in Leadville that week.”
- “I wonder if the race organizers will make him submit an application and wait for the lottery results, just like everyone else. Wouldn’t that be wild if he didn’t get in?”
- “If he really trained for it, I wonder what kind of time he’d finish with? Five hours?”
- “I wonder who told him it’s mostly single track? There’s no single track whatsoever in the Leadville 100. In fact, there’s hardly any double track. It’s almost all jeep roads.”
Then, suddenly, this pleasant train of thoughts was derailed by the following question:
“What if he’s read everything I’ve written about him?”
Ooh. That could be, um, problematic. Here is the conversation I imagine occurring, as Lance and I meet at the starting line.
Fatty (Fighting through the crowd): Mr. Armstrong! Mr. Armstrong! Would you mind signing my jersey?
Lance (Bored): Sure. What’s your name?
Fatty (Ecstatic): Most people just call me ‘Fatty.’
Lance (Raising one eyebrow): Really? I’m sorry to hear that.
Fatty: Oh, it’s meant affectionately, really. By most people, anyway. You see, I have this blog called Fat Cyclist. (Points at self, wearing the freshly-minted “Fat Cyclist” jersey I have — in this fantasy, anyway — designed and created).
Lance: So you’re proud of your weight problem?
Fatty: No, but it makes for good comedy.
Lance (Recognition dawning): “Hey. Wait a second. You’re the dork who’s always attacking me with fake news pieces on your stupid jokey blog, aren’t you?
Fatty (Worried): Um, I’m not sure what you mean. I’m a really big fan!
Lance: So you’re not the guy who wrote that fake press release about Phil Liggett getting fired because he let a full minute elapse without mentioning my name?
Fatty (Astounded): You mean you saw that piece?
Lance (Eyes glowing red): So you admit you are that guy. And yes, I saw it. Around 400 people forwarded it to me, usually with one of those stupid “I thought you’d get a chuckle out of this” messages, and a smiley face afterward, as if to say it was just a joke. Well, I’ll have you know that Phil wasn’t fired. We just gave him an appropriately stern warning and docked his pay.
Fatty (Sweating profusely): Heh heh. Well, um, ha ha. Well, you know, I was just kidding around. I didn’t really mean it.
Lance: Right. And that’s why you followed up with that “Lance Armstrong Drinking Game = Certain Death” story.
Fatty (Grasping at straws): Well, for what it’s worth, I actually fudged the math in your favor. I divided the 162 mentions of your name over the course of the full three hours of coverage, instead of subtracting out the commercials. If I’d have divided the 162 mentions by the 132 minutes of actual coverage time, it turns out that OLN actually mentioned your name every 48 seconds. You’ve got to admit, that’s pretty darn often. And besides, it’s not like I never do anything but slam you. Remember that fake news conference I wrote saying you had decided to race the rest of the 2005 TdF with one hand tied behind your back?
Lance: Yeah, I remember it, but that’s not exactly so much singing my praises as dismissing the validity of my competition, is it?
Fatty (Scanning for likely escape routes): I was hoping you wouldn’t bring up that particular point.
Lance: I’ll bet. And I’ll bet you were hoping I wouldn’t bring up the thing you wrote about Sheryl and me breaking up. Or about me being a bored househusband who’s forced out of retirement because my family and neighbors are tired of seeing me around. Or your suggestions for what ought to happen in my movie.
Fatty (Dumbfounded): You knew about all of those?
Lance: I’m Lance Armstrong. I know everything.
Fatty (Hesitant): So, um, are you going to sign my jersey? Please?
Lance (Rolling eyes): Yes, I’ll sign your jersey. But only because you’re wearing what looks like 100 “LiveStrong” bands. You shameless suckup.
Fatty: Gee! Thanks, mister! Can I ask you a couple of questions for my blog?
Lance: Do you promise to not make stuff up about me anymore?
Fatty: Absolutely.
Lance: OK, go ahead.
Fatty: Do you realize that every contender in this race today is hoping and praying that you’re just here to goof off, so they can finish ahead of you and tell their friends, children, and every other person they meet for the rest of their lives about the day they beat Lance Armstrong?
Lance: Yes. Tell your friend Kenny I wish him the best of luck.
Fatty: Thank you. I will. Next question: Was it your idea to rename this race the “Lanceville 100?”
Lance: No comment.
Fatty: OK, next question. Do you have the ability — as is widely rumored — to shoot laser beams out of your eyes, flattening the tires of competitors?
Lance: No comment.
Fatty: Sheesh. Care to comment on the speculation that you are able to increase or decrease gravity in highly localized areas?
Lance: How’d you find out about th…I mean, no comment.
Fatty: OK, I see how it is. Last question, then. Do you really think it was necessary to bring Bob Roll and Al Trautwig along to commentate this race?
Lance: It’s in their contract.
Fatty: Sorry, I couldn’t hear you very clearly over the PA system. Al seems to be saying “Lance Armstrong” over and over. Is that how he warms up his voice?
Lance: No, that’s his whole job.
Fatty: Thanks very much for your time, Lance.
Lance: You’re welcome. Now go to the back of the pack. I’m through with you.
Comments (30)
11.14.2006 | 12:58 pm
AUSTIN, Texas (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) - Top-tier professional road cyclist Levi Leipheimer is “totally OK” with Ivan Basso signing with Team Discovery, according to a company spokesperson.
“Levi is very excited about this development,” said Johan Bruyneel, team director. “This is, after all, the team where Levi really launched his professional career as a domestique for Lance Armstrong. So of course it’s a very exciting prospect for him to return, years later, now as one of the top cyclists in the world and as a bona fide Grand Tour contender and team leader…and do exactly the same thing he did last time he was on this team.”
“Oh, except now he’ll be working for a different guy,” clarified the directeur sportif. “So that’s new, anyway. And, um, very exciting for Levi.”
Asked to comment, Levi Leipheimer verified that he is, in fact, eager to move from de facto team leader to super domestique before he ever raced for Team Discovery. “Ivan Basso’s a huge talent, you know, and I’m very happy to have him on the team,” said Leipheimer. “I can hardly wait to fetch water bottles for him as he tries to get a double grand tour win.”
“After all,” continued the 34-year-old Leipheimer, “I’m still really in the early part of my career. I’ve got another three, maybe four years left in me. Why wouldn’t I be excited to put my own goals on hold in order to facilitate securing Basso a couple big wins? I mean, a Basso really inspires me to work hard; I’m extra enthused to race for someone who may or may not have been doping, but refuses to take the steps that would clear his name. If he’s innocent.”
Leipheimer paused for a moment, then continued: “Which, I’m sure, he is.”
Not Considering a Different Team
Asked whether he is considering leaving Team Discovery in order to go to a team that will make him the team leader he perhaps deserves to be, Leipheimer was quick to respond. “Yeah, you know what would happen if I did that? I’ll tell you what would happen. Say I went to team CSC. I’ll bet you anything that fifteen minutes later they’d hire Ullrich. And then they’d hire Landis, who I’m sure would magically be cleared all of a sudden.”
“And Hamilton,” finished Leipheimer. “They’d probably hire him, too.”
New Perks
Team Discovery, aware of the possibility–no matter how trivial–that Leipheimer might experience some frustration at being replaced as the team’s main GC racer before doing a single grand tour, has prepared a special set of incentives for the racer.
“We haven’t forgotten Levi,” said the Discovery spokesperson. In exchange for the hard work he’ll be doing on behalf of Ivan Basso, we’re going to give him a number of very nice prizes. For example, we are giving him a signed 8 x 10 photograph of Lance Armstrong, which would sell for $80 or more on eBay. We’re letting him pick out any bike from the Trek catalog he’d like for his own use, and we’re giving it to him at cost. That represents significant savings!”
“I should clarify, perhaps,” continued the spokesperson, “that this offer does not extend to the Lemond bike line.”
“Perhaps the most exciting perk, however,” said the spokesperson, “is that Levi will get to share a hotel room with Ivan Basso when they’re racing! Just think what valuable advice Levi will be able to collect from Ivan during their ‘together time.’”
Concluded the spokesperson: “Levi must consider himself very fortunate indeed.”
Comments (39)
02.6.2006 | 9:50 am
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Mallorca, January 22 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Cycling enthusiasts around the globe reacted extremely positively to the January 22 T-Mobile team presentation, wherein the 29 members of the men’s team and 10 members of the women’s team were announced.
More importantly, however, T-Mobile also took this opportunity to reveal Jan Ullrich’s new hairdo.
“This hairdo represents the significant investment we have made in Ullrich,” said team manager Mario Kummer. “These curls have been scientifically designed to be loose enough to blow elegantly in the wind as he attacks on mountain climbs, but not so loose that they unravel under the intense pressure of a gruelling time trial. They are long enough to look cool, but not so long that they will poke out of his helmet and look clownish. They have been demonstrated in wind-tunnel tests to be the most aerodynamic curls known to man.
Continued Kummer, with evident pride: “His curly, highly moussed locks clearly state, ‘I am the team captain. You must ride in support of me, and in support of my hair.’ I only wish that we had thought of this hair before last year’s Tour de France; perhaps we could have kept Vinokourov in check. You will note,” the manager pointedly concluded, “that this year Andreas Klöden does not have such a hairdo.”
Team Discovery Channel reacts
Johan Bruyneel, directeur sportif of Team Discovery Channel, lost no time in preparing his team’s response to the new threat Ullrich poses. “Acknowledging the brilliance of Ullrich’s new haircut,” said Bruyneel from the Team Discovery Solvang camp, “I have tasked one of my most seasoned riders, Viatcheslav Ekimov, to counterattack with a new hairstyle which I myself have designed.
“As you can see,” said Bruyneel at a hastily-arranged press conference this past week, “Eki’s hairstyle is still short up top and on the sides, so as to not interfere with his riding. In the back, however, his hair is considerably longer, and now nearly touches his shoulders. I firmly believe this haircut will effectively neutralize Ullrich.”
Others, however, are not so optimistic.
“It’s a mullet,” said Lance Armstrong, who remains actively involved with Team Discovery Channel operations. “Bruyneel has sent Eki to chase down Jan with a freakin’ mullet. No way is that going to be enough.”
“I’m just glad that I’m retired,” said a concerned-looking Armstrong, pensively running a hand through his (rather pedestrian) close-cropped hair. “I mean, I’ve always said that Ullrich was my greatest opponent. With that new hairstyle, well, I don’t know.” Armstrong paused for a moment, weighing his words. “To tell the truth, I don’t think I could compete with that.”
Tour teams scramble
Reacting to the Ullrich hairdo bombshell, pro teams are now quickly putting their own 2006 hair strategies.
Team CSC has announced its intention that all team members will grow the same haircut: a short, spiky style, with frosted tips. “We train as a team, we race as a team, and we will now style our hair as a team,” said team manager Bjarne Riis.
Euskaltel-Euskadi is staying tight-lipped about its own Tour de France hair strategy, although rumours gravitate around a specially designed new hair follicle designed especially for the team. If these rumours are to be believed, the Euskaltel-Euskadi team will be sporting hairdos up to 15% lighter and 10% more fashionable than comparable hairstyles.
Lampre-Caffita and Bianchi-Liquigas have each extended Mario Cipollini lavish offers to come out of retirement. Regarding these offers, a spokesman for Cipollini said, “While Super Mario has not ridden his bike in several months, I can assure you that his hair is every bit as glorious as it has ever been. If he so chooses to come out of retirement, I can assure you that he will not disappoint.”
Phonak, in an act of desperation has hogtied Floyd Landis and shaved off his goatee. “Look, nobody has ever liked Floyd’s goatee,” said a source close to Phonak, on the condition of anonymity. “And now with that new look Ullrich’s got, we were put in full-on damage-control mode, man. That scruffy thing had to go.”
Team Gerolsteiner is perhaps in the most desperate straits of all, as evidenced by this photograph:
Ullrich: Ready to Ride
Ullrich himself has approached the subject of his new haircut with his usual modesty, “It is an honour for me to wear this very fashionable hairdo for T-Mobile, and I hope to do it justice with my riding. I believe that with training, focus, and the support of my team, my hair and I will emerge victorious in this year’s Tour de France.”
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