Scoop: Armstrong Ties One Hand Behind Back

07.10.2005 | 10:27 am

“I’m Trying to Level the Playing Field,” Says Six-Time Tour Champ

Paris, July 10 (Fat Cyclist News Service / www.fatcyclist.com) – Six-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong stunned the cycling world today when he arrived at a press conference with his left hand tied behind his back. 

Armstrong quickly dismissed concerns that he had injured himself, proclaiming, “During the first eight stages of this race, I’ve taken a good hard look at my opponents’ fitness, riding styles and racing strategies. I have concluded that I can win the Tour de France this year with one hand tied behind my back. So that’s what I’m going to do.”

Amid gasps from the crowd, Lance said, “Really, this is not so much a boast of my own personal fitness and capability — as admittedly prodigious as they are — as a comment on how disappointed I am with everyone else.”

Armstrong continued, “I have tried to make this an interesting race. On the first stage, once I had passed Ullrich — for crying out loud — I practically sat up and rode no-handed to the finish line, so as to give Zabriskie the jersey.”

“I guess I could’ve thrown a bungee cord out to Jan,” said Armstrong. “But after that thing with Pantani a few years ago, I’m reluctant to make friendly gestures like that.”

Gathering steam, Armstrong continued, “And then I reined my team in on the Team Time Trial, yelling ‘Let’s keep it close, boys!’ at them over and over. Our finishing time was a masterstroke. We went fast enough to keep things suspenseful, but slow enough that CSC could beat us by about five seconds.”

“And then that kid falls off his bike. Am I the only one here who doesn’t need training wheels?” Armstrong said, shaking his head in amazed disappointment. “At least back in the day when Hamilton was always crashing his bike, he’d turn it into something dramatic.”

“Yesterday (Stage 8), though, was the worst,” said the visibly-frustrated champion. “I’d been thinking the whole week, ‘How am I going to turn this into a race?’ So I gave my team the day off. ‘Rest up, take it easy,’ I said, ‘I’ll take everyone on myself.’”

“The thing is, though, everyone’s so servile now. Every time Vinokourov wanted to attack yesterday, he’d ask permission first. That sort of takes the surprise out of it, Vino,” said Armstrong, rolling his eyes. “I mean, I know I’m the patron and everything, but at least pretend to make me earn it, OK?”

“And you want to know what takes the cake? I actually told Ullrich to attack, to go win the stage. I’d pretend to counter, we’d drop the peloton, and then we’d duke it out at the finish line. Great show, right? But Jan just shook his head — I guess he thought I was playing mind games. So I let Kloden go instead. At that point, I was just, you know, ‘Whatever.’”

“And then today. Man, don’t even get me started,” said Armstrong, his face reddening. “I mean, nobody attacked me. Nobody. The whole day. They just rode behind at a respectful distance, making whimpering noises. What a bunch of pansies. If I were at home watching, I would’ve changed the channel.”

Armstrong then closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and unclenched his fist. “So I’m going to win this Tour with one hand tied behind my back — literally. As stages progress, I’ll evaluate whether I need to implement other measures I’m considering, including  donating a pint of blood before each stage, riding the mountain stages on a unicycle, and giving everyone a fifteen minute head start.”

“Please,” said Armstrong, sounding desperate. “I don’t want it to end this way. Someone,  anyone. Step up to the plate.”

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Lance Armstrong Drinking Game = Certain Death

07.7.2005 | 10:25 am

Last night I did some ironing. Usually, I can get about 10 days worth of ironing done in around an hour, but last night my wife was out, my kids were in bed, and I had a stage (stage 5, the one right after the TTT) of the Tour de France to watch. I figured I’d take care of ironing every iron-able thing in the house, and watch the entire stage. 
But this was no idle idle-TV-watching session. I had a plan: I would count, from pre-race show to podium ceremony, exactly how many times the announcers referred to Lance Armstrong.
I set myself some ground rules, in order to keep the count from being frivilous or exaggerated. I wanted this to be an honest count of how often Lance is mentioned. Here are the rules I worked with:
  • He could be referred to by name or by strong inference. Eg, “leader of the Discovery Team” is good enough. “Discovery Team” is not good enough. If in doubt, don’t count it.
  • Count one reference per paragraph. Eg, if Phil mentions Armstrong in one sentence and then mentions him in the next couple sentences, count only one reference. If, however, he references Armstrong in adjoining but distinct topics, that counts as two.
  • An interview with Lance counts as only one reference. It’s not fair to expect the interviewer or interviewee to not talk about anything but Lance in this circumstance.
  • Seeing the text “Lance Armstrong” on the screen does not count. He must be verbally referenced by an announcer. Seeing Lance himself does not count. This is because OLN only controls what we hear when watching the TdF, not what we see.

Can we agree that I set out to be conservative and honest in how often Lance was mentioned? Yes, of course we can.

Drumroll, Please
Using the above rules, I counted the announcers verbally referencing Lance Armstrong 162 times in stage 5. This was a flat stage — one that had nothing to do with him.

A couple of days ago I wrote a jokey little fake news story about Phil Liggett getting fired because he waited more than 40 seconds between Lance Armstrong mentions. Turns out my exaggeration was way less absurd than I thought. 162 mentions divided into 180 minutes of coverage = 1.1 minutes between Lance Armstrong mentions, on average.

And I was being kind — I was counting during my recording of the early-morning live stage, not the Extended-Coverage Primetime stage, where Al Trautwig and Bob Roll talk about him even more.

If there was a “Lance Armstrong TdF Drinking Game” (copyright 2005, Fat Cyclist Enterprises — all rights reserved), no human alive could make it concious to the end of the stage.

Hey, OLN, I’ve got a tip for you. If you want an audience for the Tour next year, you may want to consider talking about someone who’ll be riding in it then. Just a thought.

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News Flash: OLN Fires Phil Liggett

07.5.2005 | 10:23 am

Failed to Meet Contractual Obligation to Mention Lance Armstrong Three Times Per Minute, Sources Say

Paris, July 5 (Fat Cyclist News Service) – Outdoor Life Network today severed its contract with Phil Liggett, a perennial favorite cycling announcer both in England and in the United States. A spokesperson for Outdoor Life Network said, “We regret having to let Phil go, but he knew the terms of our agreement when he signed on. Namely, he is required to allude to Lance Armstrong three times per minute, with at least one of those mentions being by name. Most importantly, at no point in time shall forty seconds ever elapse without a mention of Lance Armstrong.”

“Today, sadly, Mr. Liggett broke the terms of that agreement. When David Zabriskie had his unfortunate accident today, Phil failed for 40 seconds to put it in the context of whether this would impact Lance Armstrong or whether Lance Armstrong would would have fallen, or asking what Lance Armstrong must be thinking about this accident right that moment.”

When reached for comment, co-commentator Paul Sherwin said, “I had my ‘Lance Stopwatch’ going — it’s what we use to help remind us when it’s time to mention Lance again.” Continued Sherwin, “When Zabriskie fell, Liggett started actually talking about how disastrous it was for the rider, instead of — as is proper — talking about this would affect Lance and how he would no doubt have words of advice on the proper way to ride a bicycle for young Zabriskie. When twenty seconds elapsed, I signaled to the timer. Then thirty seconds elapsed — still no mention, so I made the sign of the Texas Longhorn, the code we use to signal that we need to immediately divert the conversation toward Armstrong. Still nothing.”

Visibly shaken, Sherwin finished, “After forty-five seconds, Phil managed to bring the conversation back round to Armstrong, but by then it was too late. OLN Security was knocking at the door, ready to escort Phil from the premises.”

Interviewed in his hotel room in Paris, Liggett looked like a man who has lost his best friend. “I’m a huge fan of Armstrong,” said Liggett. “I haven’t pretended to be impartial for years. But between Bob Roll and that marionette Al Trautwig, our Armstrong-centricism seemed pretty well covered, and I suppose I briefly let my guard down. I wonder what Lance Armstrong thinks about that?” Then, realizing the habit of mentioning Armstrong even when completely irrelevant was still with him, Liggett briefly looked melancholy — which is the British equivalent of an American having a complete nervous breakdown.

OLN has moved swiftly to replace Liggett, putting former color-commentator Al Trautwig in his spot. Said Trautwig regarding his promotion, “Lance Armstrong. Lance Lance Lance Armstrong. Armstrong Armstrong Lance Lance Lance Lance. Six-time Tour de France winner. Lance Armstrong Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong.”

“This is going to work out just fine,” said the OLN spokesperson.

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