[The following is a sneak-peek excerpt of a Cyclingnews.com article I submitted this morning. — Fatty]

To the best of my knowledge (and I am a very, very knowledgeable person), there are only two universally recognized hand gestures. The first — the wave — is for “Hi.” The second — the flipoff — is considerably more intimate, as well as considerably less friendly.

As cyclists, we have a few more gestures, most of which are used when riding in a paceline. We can point out obstacles. We can tell a rider to take a turn pulling. We can say we’re turning or stopping.

And that’s about it.

Frankly, we need more. Much more. Hence, to facilitate communication, avoid accidents, and generally increase the opacity of cycling to outside observers, I hereby propose the following as Universal Cycling Hand Gestures:

The Magnanimous Flipoff

You know, not every grievance is equally bad. Sometimes, motorists do something that’s just annoying enough that you want that you want to call their attention to it, but not really bad enough to warrant a flipoff. This gesture says, in effect: “You may well deserve to be flipped off, and in fact most people would flip you off. But I am your moral superior, so I instead choose to forgive you.”

To perform the Magnanimous Flipoff, extend one arm so it’s easily visible, hand splayed, then wobble that hand up and down as if to say, “Your mental faculties are only so-so.” My guess is that the condescending nature of this gesture will make it be perceived as more infuriating than the original flipoff.

White Flag

You’re on a group ride. You’re not at your best today, though, and have been repeatedly spat out the back. Considerately, the group has slowed down each time, letting you rejoin the paceline, when all you really want to do is lick your wounds in privacy. You need a gesture to let the group know that this time, you’d really prefer they don’t hold back and let you catch up.

The White Flag gesture needs to be visible from a good distance away, for obvious reasons, so it needs to be large. Execute this gesture by repeatedly weaving left to right as you pedal. Let your head loll.

On second thought, scratch that. That gesture may be indistinguishable from how you were riding in the first place.

Instead, hold your right hand high in the air, with a big “Thumbs Down” sign to indicate: “I’m cooked. Don’t wait for me. Let me die in peace. Seriously. I mean it.”

I Only Seem Slow

Yesterday, you did intervals. Today, you’re supposed to spin along nice and slow, keeping your heart rate below 60. So you’re noodling along when some guy pulls even, gives you “The Look,” and shoots off the front. Of course, you’re tempted to counterattack: show this jerk who’s boss. But you don’t want to spoil your carefully designed regimen just for this guy’s benefit.

To indicate that the cyclist is passing you only because you are letting him, put your hand — the one the other guy can best see — in the air and do a slow “walking” motion with your index and middle finger. This gesture conveys the message, “I’m letting you go right now because it’s my rest day. Believe me, if I wanted to, I could attack and drop you in a hot second. Now be off with you, before I change my mind and teach you a lesson you won’t soon forget.”

New Paceline Gestures

Riding with a group in tight formation requires a high degree of trust. By working together, you’re all faster than you would be individually. And while there are already some perfectly good gestures for indicating debris and speed changes, those hardly cover the array of information you might want to convey.

• Whoah, sorry I didn’t call out that pothole / rock  / broken glass we just hit: Sure, you try to call out every little obstacle on the road, but sometimes you just don’t see them ‘til too late. When this happens, give yourself a quick, visible kidney punch, to show that you’re aware you deserve to be smacked. If you just dragged the paceline through a really nasty patch of glass, you may also want to follow up with a quick rap on your helmet three times to underscore the point.
• Hey, you’re surging every time it’s your turn to pull. Cut it out: I’m not sure why some people feel it’s their duty to try to up the pace for the first thirty seconds of each of their pulls, but I do know there’s one in every group. To let this guy know you’ve had enough of this nonsense, when he drifts by you on the way to the back of the line, punch your fist forward quickly, then pull it back slowly. Repeat a couple times. If this person continues to surge at the beginning of each of his pulls, stop punching the air, and instead actually punch the person the next time he drifts back.
• Your complete and utter refusal to take a turn pulling has gone beyond annoying. It’s crossed the threshold of outrageous selfishness and will have permanent implications on your group ride invitation status unless you get your butt to the front now. Make eye contact with the offender and simply point your finger to the front of the line. Don’t do it unless you mean it.

Just the Beginning

Please, let me know how these gestures work out for you. I’ll be interested to know your experiences.

For myself, I intend to just keep flipping people off.

PS: Over the weekend, Cyclingnews published my “UCI bans pre-season team building events” piece. Click here to read it now.

There are so many ways to lie. Exaggeration. Omission. Misdirection. Statistics. Intentional-but-cleverly-concealed logical fallacy. An anecdote, presented as a pattern. Misleading metaphors. And I’m just getting started (that’s a lie; I’m actually running out of steam).

I know all about lies. I have to, because I’m a cyclist. Hey, the two go hand in hand. If you’re going to be a cyclist, you’ve got to embrace certain falsehoods.

I have examples.

All You Need is a Bike and a Helmet

The Lie: One of the appeals of biking is that it has a very low barrier to entry. I mean, all you really need is a bike — which you can get at your local sporting-goods store or  big box store. Add a helmet for safety, and you’re all set.

The Truth: Well, first of all you’re going to at least need a pump and a patch kit, some lube, and some basic tools, or your bike won’t last very long, will it? Even beyond that, though: sure, you can get yourself a cheap bike, a helmet, and leave it at that. In which case you will never understand why people who love biking love to ride their bikes. No, if you want to really see what your bike-loving friends are all about, you’re going to need a nice bike, some good biking shorts, biking shoes, gloves, and a jersey. That will be enough for you to started. After a while, though, you’ll need to buy more bikes, for different kinds of riding. And you’ll want to upgrade your components. And you’ll want more bike clothes, for different kinds of riding weather. There is no end to bike consumerism. At all. Ever.

Biking is a Good Hobby / Way to Exercise

The Lie: Riding a bike is a good way for you to get outside and see the world, all while getting fresh air and exercise.

The Truth: When you start biking, you’ll notice things like the outdoors, and you’ll be glad for the exercise. Soon, though, it won’t seem like enough. You’ll start taking longer rides, because the short ones just don’t seem to work you out the way they used to. And you’ll start paying attention to the road or trail instead of the world around you. Before long, you’ll notice that in order to get any kind of workout at all on your bike, you need to go out for a couple hours. And you’ll ride the entire time looking at the road or trail, not even thinking about what’s off to your side. And you’ll want to start riding more and more often, on more and more extreme terrain. At that point, you’re no longer a biking hobbyist.

You’re a biking junkie.

You Can Save Time and Money by Biking to Work

The Lie: You can get to work faster and for cheaper by riding your bike than by taking your car. There’s nothing quite so rewarding as passing hundreds of crawling cars as you head to work. Then, once you get to work, you feel energized the whole day. Plus, there’s the nice side effect that you’ve combined your workout with your commute!

The Truth: OK, all of that’s actually true. But if you bike commute for long enough, you’ll start talking to your coworkers about it, gushing about how great it is, and how they ought to try it. You’ll go on and on an on. Coworkers will cringe when you approach. People will start avoiding you at office parties.

Cycling is a Great Way to Lose Weight

The Lie: By riding your bike, you can burn 300-1000 calories per hour at an aerobic level. This can greatly accelerate any weight loss program.

The Truth: This is an especially insidious aspect of biking, because you can be snared by either of two opposing — but equally vicious — traps:

• Cycling begets hunger: If you ride your bike, you’ll get hungry. If you ride your bike more, you’ll get even hungrier. If you ride your bike for several hours, you’ll come home and eat everything in the kitchen. I have never done an epic ride in my life where I am not heavier the day afterward.
• Endless loop: As you ride your bike and lose weight, you discover that you’re faster. So you start trying to lose additional weight in order to be still faster on your bike. As you become very thin, you find that you can climb with incredible ease. You are no longer riding to lose weight. You are losing weight to ride. Why is this dangerous? Consider the logical extreme of this cycle: Michael Rasmusson, winner of the climber’s jersey in the 2005 Tour de France.

You Get Used to the Saddle After a While

The Lie: Everyone’s butt hurts when they start riding a bike. After a while, though, you get used to the saddle and it’s no problem. Just use some of that chamois cream to avoid chafing.

The Truth: Everyone’s butt hurts when they start riding a bike. After a while, though, you get used to the saddle and it’s no problem until you get your first saddle sore, which makes the pain you suffered as a new cyclist seem laughable. And that chamois cream feels so creepy most people would rather have the chafing. At least, that’s what they think…until the chafing occurs.

Today’s Banjo Brothers Bike Bag Contest

Tell a bike-related lie. Believability is optional.

PS: Bonus Chest-Thumping Opportunity

Al Maviva, Rocky, and Big Mike have an interesting competition going on: track how much weight you lose and how much your time trialing improves. They’ve got wacky algorithms and whatnot to make it fair: basically, the person who improves the greatest percentage over their start time wins.

If you’ve been looking for a friendly competition to help you hold your feet to the fire, this seems like a good one. They’re limiting the competition to 25 people, though, so you’ll want to enter soon, if you dare enter at all. Check Al’s blog for details.