I just got back from a week in New York City, which–strangely–is located in New York State. During the week I spent in this unimaginatively-named city, I did not ride a bike at all.
I also did not exercise, except for walking around the city.
I did, however, eat an enormous quantity of food, at a variety of restaurants, bakeries, and streetside vendors.
See, what a lot of people don’t understand is, it’s impolite to turn down food when offered it by coworkers, business associates or airline stewards/esses. So when my coworker and I sailed through the surprisingly short security line at the beginning of the trip and found ourselves with an hour and a half to kill and he suggested we go get ourselves a "real breakfast," what was I to do?
Have a breakfast burrito, that’s what. But I only ate half of the piece of ham that came with it, because it wasn’t really all that good anyway.
And you know how you always get hungry while riding on a plane? Well, I do, anyway. So when the airline stewardess offered me a complimentary snackbox, of course I took it. Oh, and the Sunchips, too. I also took those.
And when my Brooklyn-based sister recommended we go to a famous bakery to get the best cupcakes in the world (they actually were), what was I to do? I mean, she’s skinnier than I am by a mile, and she was eating the cupcakes, so they can’t be that fattening, right?
And then there’s this Greek food street vendor by my hotel; it always had a line a half block long. I asked someone in the line why they were all lined up when there was another identical vendor just around the corner and she said that this vendor was known for making the best giros in the whole world. Everyone around her nodded, yes, this is true. Best in the world. So of course I got in line. How often do you get a chance to have the best of anything in the world?
Yes, it was the best giro in the world.
I could go on. And in fact, I did go on. I repeatedly demonstrated one of my three disturbing talents–the ability to eat much more than you’d think I could–the whole trip. For your information, my other two disturbing talents are:
- I can make my face turn bright purple at will, although this gives me a headache.
- I can pull out ten eyelashes at once.
And now, for some reason, I weigh six pounds more today than I did last Monday. I’m sure that’s all water weight from the salty food, right? Because I can’t have possibly gained six pounds in a week, right?
And That’s Not the Only Strange Thing
So last Friday, Rick Sunderlage (not his real name) invited me to join him and a few friends for a Saturday AM ride. Since I’ve been able to beat Rick every time we’ve ridden together this year, of course I agreed.
Rick, along with most of the other guys who came on the ride, rode away from me as soon as the ride turned upward. He clobbered me by several minutes.
I don’t know if he was even really trying. I hope he was.
All because I was off the bike for one measly week?
PS: Please take a moment to give Dug words of encouragement and advice. Dug crashed today. He was sprinting against Rick Sunderlage (not his real name) when his chain snapped. Dug fell forward into his handlebars, which turned, so his bike bodyslammed him right into the pavement, hard enough to break Dug’s helmet and a couple ribs, as well as turn his right knee and elbow into hamburger.
Please take a few moments to leave a comment telling Dug how he could have avoided this accident by maintaining his bike better, how he could have prevented injury by remembering to tuck and roll, or any other valuable advice you may care to leave.
If you must, you may also leave words of sympathy. I think this sort of kindness will be wasted on Dug, however.