Reviewed: Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts

08.5.2008 | 2:41 pm

image No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not reviewing Dave Zabriskie’s testicles. That’s not ’til next week! Instead, I’m reviewing (and I believe I may in fact be the first person to do so) Dave Zabriskie’s new chamois cream: DZNuts.

Why Review DZNuts?
I expect that pro cyclists think about many different things than you or I. They probably lay awake at night wondering how they can make their shoes lighter, thereby decreasing rotating weight. They probably spend agonizing hours wondering how they can possibly average 0.01 mph faster in tomorrow’s race than they did last week.

And, evidently, Dave Zabriskie wondered how he could reduce his discomfort and the number of saddle sores he collected.

I suppose, then, that I should be upfront about this review: I normally don’t use any chamois cream at all. Ever. Not when I do a training ride, not when I do a big epic mountain bike ride, not even when I did the Kokopelli Trail.

Why not? Because I don’t find it helpful or necessary. Which is to say, I don’t  get saddle sores, and I find the texture of chamois cream icky at best, and searingly painful at worst.

And yet, here I am, reviewing DZNuts. Why?

Well, it’s because I couldn’t help myself. The cool-looking black tube, combined with the not-quite-lockerroom humor (If, when breaking the seal on DZNuts, you listen closely, you can almost hear the snorts and giggles of Dave and his crew as they wrote the text that goes on the tube and the website, referring to your “junk,” “goods,” “taint,” and — when they’re feeling demure — “perineal skin.” And, of course, the product is in fact named “DZNuts.”) made me do it.

On the Outside
As mentioned, since I didn’t really care about the product itself, I’m going to spend most of my review talking about the package (ha).

Let’s begin with the box.

I admit to some discomfort at the notion of buying any kind of cream at all from a man with a porn star mustache who has elected to name said product after his own testicles.

Perhaps this means I am a prude. I can live with that.

What I love, however, is the way Dave hits us over the head with the taint gag:

“Proper MAINTAINTANANCE of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”

It’s a good thing he bolded “taint,” made it all caps, and put it in red, or I might’ve missed it.

More informative, however, is the list of key ingredients, which can be found on the product website, as well as on the box itself.

These key ingredients are:

  • Tea Tree Oil: This is included as an anti-bacterial and anti-fungal. What’s not mentioned — but is extremely important, at least to me — is whether they filtered that tea tree ten million times, so as to be certain no traces of bark are left.
  • Evodia: This is an anti-inflammatory from Chinese medicine. I’m also sure it’s one of the lesser-known Elven warriors from Lord of the Rings.
  • Masterwort: Dave says this is an herb used for its “wound healing and calming properties.” I’m going to call BS on this one. The one thing my taint — which is already probably asleep after a nice long ride — doesn’t need is something with calming properties. I need something with wake-up properties. So why is masterwort in DZNuts? My theory is that Dave just thought the name was cool-sounding in a medieval way. For the next batch, I recommend they also say they’re including Hair of Toad, Eye of Tiger, and Oil of Snake.

image My very favorite thing on either the box or the tube — which is good, because it’s on both the box and the tube, leading me to think they ran out of ideas for what to put on this box and tube — is the instructions.

  1. Drop your shorts to your ankles, or remove completely from body. Does anyone else’s “Fight or Flight” reflex kick in when a man with a pornstar mustache and a tube of lubricant instruct you to drop your shorts to your ankles (or, worse, remove them altogether)? Because I’m panicking here.
  2. Apply a liberal amount directly to your perineal area. At — after shipping — $7.00 per ounce, I’ll bet they want me to use a liberal amount. Also, I really don’t see how it would even be possible to use this tube to apply directly to my taint unless I were to adopt a position which I absolutely positively never ever ever would want to be discovered in. I love the image in this step, though. It looks like I’m supposed to squirt the cream onto my hand and then wave my hand around in the air in a stirring motion.
  3. Be a champion and enjoy your long, satisfying, comfortable ride. Let’s face it: they put this step in here because they didn’t want to have just two steps. That’s fine, but I would recommend that they just put the word “Profit!” here instead.

Trying It Out
You can tell I’m stalling, can’t you? After the trauma of trying Assos Chamois Creme years ago, I have been terrified of ever spalming again.

And yet, I fear that without applying some of DZNuts to my “junk,” this review would have been somehow incomplete.

OK. Let’s do this.


Hey, look. There’s spalm in my palm. Roughly $2.75 worth, I believe.

Now, I’m going to (mercifully) spare you the photos of the moment of application. Because this is a family blog. Also, because I don’t want to gross anyone out.

I was worried that I would look like this:


Or possibly even this:


But the truth is, it was more like this:


Which is to say, DZNuts has a little kick, but is not at all painful. That is, you do not get the Ben-Gay-in-Jockey-Shorts effect.

Which is a good thing.

Final Words
As someone who for some reason doesn’t seem to suffer from saddle sores (maybe I use so much Tabasco sauce that my sweat is toxic to bacteria and fungi) or saddle soreness, it’s hard for me to tell whether this is the real deal. I expect it well could be — I’ll pass the tube around at the Leadville 100 this Saturday and gather impressions afterword.

And, by all means, if any of you out there have experience in the matter, please leave a note in the comments section. I’m sure everyone is interested in your impression of Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts.


  1. Comment by Weiland | 08.5.2008 | 2:49 pm

    Fatty did you have to drive to Wyoming to buy dznuts? They surely don’t sell this in Utah bike stores do they?

  2. Comment by Philly Jen | 08.5.2008 | 2:59 pm

    Isn’t that a James Bond film? “Spalm Another Day”…?

    Some family blog, what with you dangling your uvula in plain sight!

    WIN Susan (though if Fatty approaches you with the DZNuts tube, RUN Susan)

  3. Comment by Renee | 08.5.2008 | 3:03 pm

    The facial expression pictures alone are good enough reason for me love this blog.

  4. Comment by Night Hawk | 08.5.2008 | 3:03 pm

    I bet he sells more T shirts and Caps than tubes of cream though, although you have just supplied me a great stocking stuffer for everyone I know.

    Philly Jen if Fatty approaches you with the DZNuts Tube she should Scoot right?

  5. Comment by aussie kev | 08.5.2008 | 3:07 pm

    $7 an ounce lucky its not being marketed by rock racing !!!!!


  6. Comment by 331miles | 08.5.2008 | 3:10 pm

    I’m with ya. I don’t use the stuff, on rides long or short. But I almost have to try DZNuts, just so I can have some joke material for my next ride.

  7. Comment by Nick | 08.5.2008 | 3:13 pm

    I’m glad your nuts are safe because they were a big concern at my house! I know with age and the testicular droopage, it taint what it used to be.

  8. Comment by Kalidurga | 08.5.2008 | 3:19 pm

    You know what’s a darned shame, though? Dave’s apparently shaved off that oh-so-distinctive porn star ’stache. Any new packaging for DZNuts just won’t be the same.

  9. Comment by paige | 08.5.2008 | 3:26 pm

    The facial expressions ALONE are priceless.

    I do not have an opinion about Dave’s Nuts, though. Being a female biker, I have…issues…during long rides. Being a female biker with extra padding makes those issues, paradoxically, worse, not better.

    I use a product called Chamois Butt’r. It is cheap, has no kick and is only icky for the first two minutes. After that it seems to do it’s job invisibly.

    I’ve tried three times now to type a sentence about getting some DZ Nuts for my husband to try but I can’t make a single sentence without any sort of innuendo. Since it’s a family blog, I’ll just say…uh, we’ll try it and let you know.

  10. Comment by dug | 08.5.2008 | 3:26 pm

    a few things.

    first, you look like chevy chase in fletch. “you using the whole fist, doc?”

    second, “I need something with wake-up properties.” this might be the funniest thing you’ve ever written.

    third, “I’ll pass the tube around at the Leadville 100 this Saturday and gather impressions afterword.” i don’t think so. keep dave zabriskie’s nuts away from me.

  11. Comment by Uphill Battle | 08.5.2008 | 3:31 pm

    This was one of your best Fatty! Do they make a product for women?

  12. Comment by dino | 08.5.2008 | 3:32 pm

    For your next product review

  13. Comment by rexinsea | 08.5.2008 | 3:42 pm

    Oh yeah – I’m getting this product and also purchasing my wife the Women’s “Official Applicator” T shirt:

    Stand by your man. Show you’re his one and only domestique. Become an “official applicator” with this attractive pink baby-doll t-shirt. This soft shirt is made from 100% Fine Jersey cotton. PLEASE NOTE: because this shirt is an athletic fit, it runs smaller than a normal t-shirt.

    Crying with laughter. Thanks Fatty!

  14. Comment by NW | 08.5.2008 | 3:45 pm

    Haaahaaaaahaaaaaa!!! :D Too funny.

  15. Comment by PlagerismPeddler | 08.5.2008 | 3:58 pm

    Q: Will DZNuts bring a fine sheen to my dogs coat?

    A: Maybe? DZNuts does not engage animal testing. All product testing is done in a controlled cleanroom environment on physically active homless people, on treadmills.

  16. Comment by Garmon | 08.5.2008 | 4:01 pm

    Fatty, I’m surprised you didn’t point out the not-so-subtle, up-pointed seat on the front of the tube. Was that an omission, or a deliberate avoidance?

  17. Comment by fatty | 08.5.2008 | 4:12 pm

    garmon – definitely a deliberate avoidance.

  18. Comment by M2 | 08.5.2008 | 4:14 pm

    Dude! That was priceless. I could barely read through the tears I was laughing so hard. Thanks!

  19. Comment by leroy | 08.5.2008 | 4:40 pm

    Oh pshaw, everyone knows that Loire Valley Foie Gras is the chamois cream of TDF champions. It’s cheaper than DZNuts too.

    My kids gave me Assos cream one Father’s Day. I think it was the combination of the brand name and its use that sold them. It takes some getting used to, but it works for me when the weather is hot.

    But don’t get me started on Chamois Butter and an unfortunate incident involving toast.

  20. Comment by Jeff | 08.5.2008 | 4:52 pm

    I don’t get saddle sores either, but the post was worth the read if only for the photos of your facial expressions. Thanks for not taking the easy way out and using yellow smiley faces.

  21. Comment by Asthmagirl | 08.5.2008 | 4:54 pm

    Does it double as a floor wax and a dessert topping?

    As a lady biker, I have different… um… circumstances and don’t use such creams and potions. Although the husband notes he has never “buttered his business” either. We must be purists!

    Great post Fatty!

    WIN Susan!

  22. Comment by Bill F. | 08.5.2008 | 4:55 pm

    I have little experience with the cream but I did just spit raw almond bits in laughter while reading this post. I will be happy to provide a trial surface at Leadville.

  23. Comment by KanyonKris | 08.5.2008 | 5:00 pm

    Those reaction photos will haunt me. But pretty expressive. Are you sure you’re not Stanley Tucci’s twin?

  24. Comment by Jason | 08.5.2008 | 5:04 pm

    Fatty your expressions were priceless, especially the Mr. Bean-esqe finale and the Stanley Tucci opener.

  25. Comment by ann | 08.5.2008 | 5:21 pm

    And I was hoping for a clear shot of your tongue in your cheek – of your mouth or face – your tongue in your FACE cheek . . . not the other cheek. No, not the “turn the other…” you know – the taint CHEEK, I guess. Not that.

  26. Comment by rich | 08.5.2008 | 5:27 pm

    Totally hilarious post!!! Of course now, I’m cleaning coffee off of my keyboard….

    Thanks Fatty

    Win Susan!

  27. Comment by Hoon | 08.5.2008 | 5:30 pm

    DZNuts are the shiznit. Even my wife uses it. Nuff said.

  28. Comment by Allen | 08.5.2008 | 6:08 pm

    Maybe it’s the bottle of wine I’ve drank but those face pics were hilarious!

  29. Comment by Terri | 08.5.2008 | 6:15 pm

    Well, I learned something new today – I think. I am only a recreational bike rider so I wasn’t aware of the need to lubricate the goods. It makes sense. I am kind of embarrassed to admit I didn’t understand the reference to “taint”. I feel so old and uninformed. I Googled it and the only thing I could find was the definition; “to become affected with decay or putrefaction”. So I have come to the conclusion that male cyclists use the cream to prevent putrefaction of their junk. Am I close?

  30. Comment by Stephen | 08.5.2008 | 6:41 pm

    Hahahahaha, I about fell off my chair laughing at that. I though it might be a joke at first. Never use any of the products myself, but I gotta find some of this to give for gifts. Top 10 for sure! Thanks for the laugh Fatty!

  31. Comment by Flahute | 08.5.2008 | 7:03 pm

    When it comes to the naughty bits, the taint is the skin between areas, because … t’aint the one and t’aint th’other …

  32. Comment by kentucky joe | 08.5.2008 | 7:17 pm

    another FC classic….I am betting you get some freebies from DZ and these show up in future FC “contests”….also I am thinking they may want your “what it was like” expression for the testimonial ads that are sure to show up in Bicycling magazine…good riding at the Leadville 100

  33. Comment by Don | 08.5.2008 | 7:24 pm

    I have a huge problem admitting to anyone for any reason that I’ve rubbed Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts all over my junk. I’m just saying. I have however wanted to try it out just so I could say I’ve rubbed DZNuts all over my junk. What does this mean Fatty?!
    I think I might have to try it out and get my wife the women’s shirt!

  34. Comment by Mike Roadie | 08.5.2008 | 7:28 pm

    I don’t want to seem immature, but I almost peed in my pants while reading this…….really!

    I received an email on this product a few weeks ago–I was shocked–kinda like $220 jersey shocked.

    Like you, I don’t ever spalm….don’t need it and I’m afraid I’d like it too much!

    YOU are the Masterwort—thanks for this gem!!!!

    WIN Susan

  35. Comment by Al Maviva | 08.5.2008 | 8:17 pm

    Better not tell Dr. Michael Laemmler that you’re not using Assos any longer… that news will drive Laemmler nuts.

  36. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 08.5.2008 | 8:27 pm

    A calmed taint allows 1% more blood flow to a man’s muscles. No, make that 10%.

  37. Comment by KT | 08.5.2008 | 8:50 pm

    Oh… my….. god…..

    That was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

    I laughed, I cried, I winced.

    As another member of the female gender, I too have not… um… partaken of these… um… items. I haven’t, you know, needed them… but now I’m thinking about it.

    Although I think my boyfriend might be mad if I rub dznuts… um… anywhere.

    Oh, that didn’t come out right! :) Well, there goes the family-friendly qualification.

  38. Comment by Co | 08.5.2008 | 9:40 pm

    Superb! Ranks up there with Dr. L’s letter itself, but you wrote this one! You must include these spalming blogs in your (future) book! Even a prude like me can’t not laugh out loud! (or spit various substances as it appears)

    btw – If you really do hand it round at Leadville, don’t be instructing anyone to drop shorts to the ankles or you might not get to ride the race. Let the folks you give it to read the instructions themselves.

    Susan – good choice of life partner! (we already know FC’s choice was perfection!)

  39. Comment by Denny | 08.5.2008 | 9:57 pm

    Maybe your best effort – ever. The pictures are incredible.
    Thanks for the laughs!!!

  40. Comment by Rocky | 08.5.2008 | 11:40 pm

    You, Mr., have out-done yourself. It’s a little twisted. It’s a little manishly uncomfortable. But I nearly herniated myself reading this. If you could get a little Barry White to play in the background in conjunction with item number 1, I might have expired completely.

  41. Comment by Giel | 08.6.2008 | 12:22 am

    I think you can safely use your 3rd mugshot in a “Fatty’s seal of approval. I know I would by products endorsed by such a look!

  42. Comment by Ian Hopper | 08.6.2008 | 1:19 am

    I wonder, does Dr. Dre endorse DZNuts? He was the first that I know of to record “DEEZ NUTS” on “The Chronic”…

    I’m going to buy some just to give away as jokes to my friends who like Dr. Dre AND are cyclists… all 2 of them.

    BTW, Kent Peterson’s most recent entry has a picture of his buddy wearing a pink Fat Cyclist jersey, the link is here:

  43. Comment by K-Ride in Belgium | 08.6.2008 | 2:17 am

    Will it make me a better time-trialist?

    Can I use it to wax my mustache?

    Will it soften the rough skin I’ve developed on my hands from riding with no gloves?

    Can I use it to coat my legs during the cold winter months here in Belgium..Belgian Knee Warmers maybe?

    Finally, will it make my hands greasy preventing me from typing further irrelevant questions?

    Peace and Junk Protectant Grease,

  44. Comment by Lizzylou | 08.6.2008 | 5:10 am

    Where is the step where you put your shorts back on…

  45. Comment by FliesOnly | 08.6.2008 | 5:30 am

    Thank You for making my day. I laughed out loud…numerous times…and then I came to the photos.

  46. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 08.6.2008 | 5:37 am

    It seems interesting to me that someone with a pornstar moustache (him not you) should be endorsing what is effectively a genital lubricant.

    I also wonder why it is that people need these products. I infrequently ride ridiculous distances and (like you, not him) I also never (or so rarely as to be considered never) suffer saddle sores. Surely a professional cyclist can afford a cake of sunlight soap and 5 minutes a day for personal hygiene duties.

    I further hypothesise that the slightly weird facial expression is from a slight thermal shock to the nether regions. Nothing puts a weird expression on a manly man’s face like “cool” ointment hitting warm skin.

  47. Comment by Not a cyclist..... | 08.6.2008 | 6:41 am

    I tell you what, my slightly paunchy boyfriend is get getting a tube of this stuff for x-mas. Although he has probably logged a whole 5 miles on his Huffy over the last decade, his insistence on wearing denim shorts, cotton boxer briefs, and and extra 40 pounds while living in south Florida has resulted in quite a few cases of taint chafe just from walking around on a hot day, or once having to sit in a hot room on a plastic seat for 10 hours (it was a work/torture activity he could not escape from). Lube on!

  48. Comment by Steve from the UK | 08.6.2008 | 6:55 am

    Great post! Must admit that I’ve never heard of this particular brand of nut-butter and having read the review (particularly the price) I think I will just stick with Savlon™. Excellent pictures Fatty. As for the ladies having “other issues” – can we draw a veil over that please :o

  49. Comment by VT Mavryk | 08.6.2008 | 7:17 am


    The main thing I took from that review is how sweet that ‘08 pink jersey looks. I’m sorry I missed them. Does anyone have a large they can part with? I’ll pay $100. $70 to pay anyone back for the jersey, and $30 to the win fund.

  50. Comment by Boz | 08.6.2008 | 7:23 am

    I’ve never had a true saddle sore, just a large volcano on my inner thigh which may or may not have been caused by cycling. Hygiene is the key to a happy nether regions. I’ve heard of pro’s that had to shut ‘er down due to chronic saddle sores. I’ve also heard that the euro hygiene isn’t all that great leading to a lot of the problems encountered in the peloton. Cleanliness is next to godliness, or, as Red Foxx used to say “you gotta wash your a$$”.

  51. Comment by Julie | 08.6.2008 | 7:37 am

    As for Step 3: “Be a champion and enjoy your long, satisfying, comfortable ride”…um…you already made the porn star reference…I don’t think that Step 3 is gratuitous…it is in fact, the POINT.

  52. Comment by Slowerthensnot | 08.6.2008 | 8:01 am

    I dont even wear a chammy…. Buut I’m so temped to buy a tube now….

    Even though I haven’t had a saddle sore in 4 yrs

    Knock on wood

    Hopfully run into Friday!

  53. Comment by Americanson | 08.6.2008 | 8:07 am

    Considering the first instruction I am not sure if passing this around doesn’t count as asking for a date. So you may want to think again about sharing.

    Win Susan

  54. Comment by regina | 08.6.2008 | 8:19 am

    I have laughing tears rolling down my face, that was just hilarious. and the assos stuff does pack a punch and you cannot apply it directly to your body, only to the shorts and really work it in. I must have a tube of this stuff, I am still laughing. They should send you a case for this promo.
    WIN SUSAN!!!

  55. Comment by Donald | 08.6.2008 | 8:55 am

    Freakin’ Hilarious… Please tell us when you get a free case of “dznuts” at your door. YOU DESERVE IT!

  56. Comment by Demonic1 | 08.6.2008 | 9:09 am

    By far- the funniest post on this blog. EVER! Well, since it was hosted on msn anyway.

  57. Comment by The D | 08.6.2008 | 9:10 am


    I couldn’t help but notice the transition from the stylings of Michael “Ball” to the viscosity of “DzNutz.” Certainly adds poignancy to the Livestrong links!


  58. Comment by Sprite's Keeper | 08.6.2008 | 9:28 am

    Thought this review was a joke at first, until I saw the pix. Oh, my heavens, your facial expressions are dead on!
    Win Susan!

  59. Comment by rogarr | 08.6.2008 | 9:40 am

    The banner across the top of the page was very appropriate.


  60. Comment by KT | 08.6.2008 | 9:51 am

    I think I’m laughing as much at reading the comments as I am at reading the actual post.

    Thanks, everyone; you’ve made my day. :)

    My co-workers are going to wonder why I’m sitting over here giggling every so often!

    +1 on the “Fatty Seal of Approval” idea using pic #3!

    WIN, Susan! (I hope you laughed at him, too!)

  61. Comment by Tim D | 08.6.2008 | 10:26 am

    I’m suprised DZ felt he needed such a product. He’s not on his bike long enough to need it. He would have been better off putting his efforts into something for cuts and grazes.

  62. Comment by J.G.McClain | 08.6.2008 | 10:35 am

    Well, now everyone in my office cube row is trying to figure out why I’m laughing historically, and picking partly chewed chicken breast sub off my keyboard. Glad I was not drinking at the time.

  63. Comment by KathieC | 08.6.2008 | 10:51 am

    @ K-Ride in Belgium:

    “Can I use it to wax my mustache?”

    Do you really want to be able to say that you’ve had DZ’s Nuts on your mustache? You might want to think about that for a moment or two. :)

    @ Fatty:
    I’m a long time lurker and as a non-rider often don’t understand half of what happens here but this post was priceless! Thanks for the giggles.

  64. Comment by Kalidurga | 08.6.2008 | 11:10 am

    “I’m suprised DZ felt he needed such a product. He’s not on his bike long enough to need it. He would have been better off putting his efforts into something for cuts and grazes.”

    Duuuuude, that was harsh! Poor Dave can’t help it if he’s an asphalt magnet. Just gotta hope little Waylon didn’t get that particular gene…

  65. Comment by Corey | 08.6.2008 | 11:36 am

    Hmmmm, it’s almost like the marketing types sat around and brainstormed, “How can we get the Fat Cyclist to pick this up and run with it?”

    And kudos to them on officially taking the “Painfully Obvious Product Name” award away from Bag Balm!

  66. Comment by DoubleD | 08.6.2008 | 12:08 pm

    Frankly Fatty, I never use chamois creme, either. I’ve just been waiting for a year or so for a post to mention hot sauce so I can plug my favorite. While I agree that Cholula has good flavor, and is a excellent choice for children, Tapatio has to rank #1. I suggest you try a bottle. When you need more kick, adding a drop or two of Dave’s Insanity to a bottle ‘kicks it up a notch’. Tapatio is also one the only hot sauces I have found that still tastes good when added to popcorn, regular or microwave.

  67. Comment by Clydesteve | 08.6.2008 | 12:49 pm

    OK, so I am the only reader here who sometimes uses a nether regions “chamois” lubricant. Fine.

    Fatty – you are not the first reviewer – beat you to it.:

    On Ed’s crotch: DZNuts chamois cream.
    I like Dave Zabriskie as a personality and rider, although I wish he’d stop getting hurt and start getting results again. He just introduced his own brand of chamois cream, and true to his off-the-wall persona it comes with the tagline, “Protect your junk.” I decided to gamble $22 for a 4-oz. tube (120 ml), which is about twice the cost of 8 oz. of the popular Chamois Butt’r. Is DZNutz that much better? Nah, says my junk. It does have a longer-lasting slipperiness and it boasts of anti-inflammatory and wound-healing powers from smelly plant-derived all-natural ingredients (36 of them, according to the label). One is menthol, also found in another premium lube, Assos, but it doesn’t agree with me. Instead of cooling my nether region it produces the opposite effect. Your results may differ. Another consideration is how a synthetic chamois sucks up cream. If cost is an object, you may be paying $1 or more per ride when applying enough DZNuts to provide sufficient lubrication.

    But, Fatty, your review was far superior.

  68. Comment by Jodi | 08.6.2008 | 1:18 pm

    A little scared that I’m laughing at this – too good, too good.

  69. Pingback by DZ Nuts Review « Clipped in with David | 08.6.2008 | 1:56 pm

    [...] DZ Nuts Review Posted on August 6, 2008 by offthebackdave by Fat Cyclist [...]

  70. Comment by joe blow | 08.6.2008 | 5:46 pm

    I think its great that it appears the name of the company offering the product is “DZ Laborotories, LLC”, because you know, when I think of DZ, I think of a brilliant scientist.

  71. Comment by Jaime O. | 08.6.2008 | 7:37 pm

    Wow. There’s something about popping over here and finding Fatty applying cream to his um “junk” that makes me feel like I just walking in on someone doing something I wasn’t meant to see. Carry on, Fatty. Carry on.

  72. Trackback by Have Your Pill Today? | 08.7.2008 | 8:39 am

    Views From The Throne ~ 08.07.08…

    I’m glad… I was able to go to Griffs over the weekend and not come out feeling like I was at a Marlboro Factory…

  73. Comment by judi | 08.7.2008 | 9:21 am

    I am with Jaime. Carry on. LOL.

  74. Pingback by GirlOnBike | 08.7.2008 | 9:23 am

    [...] uit mijn billen te krijgen. Volgende keer gaat mijn Gore-broekske weer aan en probeer ik toch eens Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts. Tags: broekzalf, gore bike, kuiten, mtb Posted by Girl at 4:23 pm   BikeBusiness   [...]

  75. Comment by Nick | 08.7.2008 | 10:07 am

    Bag Balm is my best friend, but only when I’m riding more than 5 times per week. Less than that and I’ve got no issues with saddle sores. Bag Balm comes in a cool green can, too. With cow udders on it.

    Maybe I shouldn’t be putting it down there…

  76. Comment by kiki | 08.7.2008 | 11:43 am

    “Pingback by GirlOnBike | 08.7.2008 | 9:23 am

    [...] uit mijn billen te krijgen. Volgende keer gaat mijn Gore-broekske weer aan en probeer ik toch eens Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts. Tags: broekzalf, gore bike, kuiten, mtb Posted by Girl at 4:23 pm BikeBusiness [...]”

    Ummmm, yeah, what she said. I’m not even a rider, or a person with a… a… a… taint (that was hard to write), yet I just HAD to read every word of this post. That just ain’t right. No it tain’t.

  77. Comment by Harp | 08.8.2008 | 9:16 pm

    I’m doing a test run of it for the shop I work at and have been pretty impressed. Plus you can’t beat the name.

  78. Comment by Paul G. | 08.11.2008 | 12:15 pm

    Hey Fatty:

    You kind of look like Stanley Tucci in the pics. What’s with the pink jersey?

    Paul G.

  79. Comment by Beth | 08.11.2008 | 1:27 pm

    Hahaha on the photos!!!

    Saddle soreness can effect us barrel racers too. I need to set out some stuff and see how well it goes over with the riders. Do a general poll. LMAO. I can see it now. I can almost GUARANTEE that not a single rider will ADMIT to getting saddle sore.

    Good job on finishing an hour faster than expected!

  80. Comment by Beast Mom | 08.20.2008 | 11:21 am

    DZNuts: I hope no one tries to eat this stuff.

    DZNuts: DizzyNuts?

    I think the name itself needs some tweaking.


  81. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Photoshop Contest: Design Kenny’s Tattoo, Win Cool Stuff | 08.21.2008 | 9:19 am

    [...] Reviewed: Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts [...]

  82. Pingback by   Random Bike Related Stories — Alicia Parr’s Adventures in Multisport | 08.24.2008 | 5:00 pm

    [...] Saddle Cream Not Marketed to Women [...]

  83. Pingback by Gear Ratios » Document » Review: DZ Nuts Chamois Cream | 11.4.2008 | 4:08 am

    [...] Bottom line: DZ Nuts is an excellent new chamois cream and is worth the slightly high price for anybody who wants to properly protect their sensitive nether regions on the bike. For a very detailed review you can visit Fat Cyclist. [...]

  84. Comment by sully | 11.25.2008 | 7:49 pm

    Or you could try vitamin A&D ontment in a 1 lb tub from your local thrifty/walgreens for 12 bucks.Ive tried everything from fancy cremes at the bikeshop to specialty roll ons and A&D works the best.As a spin instructor/ former roady you sweat more without the air to dry you off,this creates an even bigger risk for saddlesores.Just dont wash your shorts with your regular clothes because its a little waxy.Oral analgesics like oragel work also to relieve the pain.

  85. Comment by Big Rob | 01.25.2009 | 9:35 am

    The heck with the stuff for my junk. I wanna know how to get a t-shirt. Try to explain that to the little chickie you met at the local watering hole

  86. Comment by Kristi | 02.10.2009 | 9:28 pm

    I’m still crying over your review it was so funny! My husband wrote a review of DZNuts on his website here:
    Someone left a comment to read your review, thank you Mary!

  87. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Start Training Now (And Help Me Out) for the 2nd Annual 100 Miles of Nowhere | 03.31.2009 | 7:36 am

    [...] Reviewed: Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts [...]

  88. Pingback by Start Training Now (And Help Me Out) for the 2nd Annual 100 Miles of Nowhere | linkfeedr | 04.12.2009 | 1:10 pm

    [...] try DZ-Nuts. If you have never tried chamois cream, I cannot think of a more perfect time to begin. As I have noted in my review, this is good stuff. Value: .00 A Banjo Brothers Seat Bag: These bags open wide and perfectly hold [...]

  89. Comment by Mike | 04.16.2009 | 1:56 pm

    It took me a while to find these lyrics, but I feel it’s worth the wait!

    I spalm alone, yeah
    With nobody else
    I spalm alone, yeah
    With nobody else
    You know when I spalm alone
    I prefer to be by myself

    Every morning just before breakfast
    I don’t want no coffee or tea
    Just me and good buddy Zabriskie
    That’s all I ever need
    ‘Cause I spalm alone, yeah
    With nobody else
    Yeah, you know when I spalm alone
    I prefer to be by myself

    The other night I laid sleeping
    And I woke from a terrible dream
    So I caught up my pal Chamois Butter
    And his partner Assos cream
    And we spalmed alone, yeah
    With nobody else
    Yeah, you know when I spalm alone
    I prefer to be by myself

    My whole family done give up on me
    And it makes me feel oh so bad
    The only one who will hang out with me
    Is my dear old Vaseline
    And we spalm alone, yeah
    With nobody else
    Yeah, you know when I spalm alone
    I prefer to be by myself

  90. Comment by Topper | 04.20.2009 | 3:27 pm

    So, I just re-read this post after learning that a tube would be included in the “ride to nowhere” race schwag. I was disturbed to notice that nowhere in the instructions did they tel you to pull your shorts back up. After being so explicitly clear about dropping them, why didn’t they tell the consumer to put them back on? That seems like a much more important step than to “Be a champion and enjoy your long, satisfying, comfortable ride.” I would much rather have a short, mediocre, clothed ride than be a champion with my dairy airre hanging out, regardless of how comfortable I was.

  91. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Register Now for the 100 Miles of Nowhere | 04.23.2009 | 11:40 am

    [...] Reviewed: Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts [...]

  92. Pingback by No Reason Why. » Blog Archive » In Which I Don’t Miss the Point… | 05.22.2009 | 9:15 am

    [...] try DZ-Nuts. If you have never tried chamois cream, I cannot think of a more perfect time to begin. As I have noted in my review, this is good stuff. Value: [...]

  93. Pingback by RocketGirl Blog - Women cycling in Toronto » Pro cyclists have a sense of humor too! | 05.27.2009 | 3:03 pm

    [...] for women cyclists, it is a hilarious name for a cream meant to protect man parts on the road! featured the new DZ Nuts product on his blog and did a test run like a year ago, and Lance [...]

  94. Comment by Greg | 06.4.2009 | 12:10 pm

    OMG. I’ve done something nobody should be allowed to do – read all of Fatty’s favorite posts in one day. I was laughing so much that two people asked me if I was OK.


  95. Comment by Dr H | 10.12.2009 | 5:58 pm

    While DZ Nuts wins for creative naming it pales in comparison to Belgium Butter. The stuff is amazing – it makes DZ and Assos look like sandpaper!

  96. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Register Now for the 3rd Annual 100 Miles of Nowhere | 03.22.2010 | 3:18 pm

    [...] Reviewed: Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts [...]

  97. Comment by TP | 05.25.2010 | 10:32 pm

    Check out We feel so strongly about Friction Freedom chamois cream, E-mail us and we”ll send you a free one-use packet!

  98. Comment by Paul | 02.14.2011 | 7:07 am

    DZ nuts is all glitz and no go. There are a bunch of new alternatives out there that are competitive in effectiveness and cost. Friction freedom (above) is one, another, that I’ve been using a lot lately.

  99. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Start Planning for the 100 Miles of Nowhere | 03.24.2011 | 1:03 pm

    [...] Reviewed: Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts [...]

  100. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Register Now for the 4th Annual 100 Miles of Nowhere | 04.11.2011 | 4:19 am

    [...] Reviewed: Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts [...]


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