No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not reviewing Dave Zabriskie’s testicles. That’s not ’til next week! Instead, I’m reviewing (and I believe I may in fact be the first person to do so) Dave Zabriskie’s new chamois cream: DZNuts.
Why Review DZNuts?
I expect that pro cyclists think about many different things than you or I. They probably lay awake at night wondering how they can make their shoes lighter, thereby decreasing rotating weight. They probably spend agonizing hours wondering how they can possibly average 0.01 mph faster in tomorrow’s race than they did last week.
And, evidently, Dave Zabriskie wondered how he could reduce his discomfort and the number of saddle sores he collected.
I suppose, then, that I should be upfront about this review: I normally don’t use any chamois cream at all. Ever. Not when I do a training ride, not when I do a big epic mountain bike ride, not even when I did the Kokopelli Trail.
Why not? Because I don’t find it helpful or necessary. Which is to say, I don’t get saddle sores, and I find the texture of chamois cream icky at best, and searingly painful at worst.
And yet, here I am, reviewing DZNuts. Why?
Well, it’s because I couldn’t help myself. The cool-looking black tube, combined with the not-quite-lockerroom humor (If, when breaking the seal on DZNuts, you listen closely, you can almost hear the snorts and giggles of Dave and his crew as they wrote the text that goes on the tube and the website, referring to your “junk,” “goods,” “taint,” and — when they’re feeling demure — “perineal skin.” And, of course, the product is in fact named “DZNuts.”) made me do it.
On the Outside
As mentioned, since I didn’t really care about the product itself, I’m going to spend most of my review talking about the package (ha).
Let’s begin with the box.
I admit to some discomfort at the notion of buying any kind of cream at all from a man with a porn star mustache who has elected to name said product after his own testicles.
Perhaps this means I am a prude. I can live with that.
What I love, however, is the way Dave hits us over the head with the taint gag:
“Proper MAINTAINTANANCE of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”
It’s a good thing he bolded “taint,” made it all caps, and put it in red, or I might’ve missed it.
More informative, however, is the list of key ingredients, which can be found on the product website, as well as on the box itself.
These key ingredients are:
- Tea Tree Oil: This is included as an anti-bacterial and anti-fungal. What’s not mentioned — but is extremely important, at least to me — is whether they filtered that tea tree ten million times, so as to be certain no traces of bark are left.
- Evodia: This is an anti-inflammatory from Chinese medicine. I’m also sure it’s one of the lesser-known Elven warriors from Lord of the Rings.
- Masterwort: Dave says this is an herb used for its “wound healing and calming properties.” I’m going to call BS on this one. The one thing my taint — which is already probably asleep after a nice long ride — doesn’t need is something with calming properties. I need something with wake-up properties. So why is masterwort in DZNuts? My theory is that Dave just thought the name was cool-sounding in a medieval way. For the next batch, I recommend they also say they’re including Hair of Toad, Eye of Tiger, and Oil of Snake.
My very favorite thing on either the box or the tube — which is good, because it’s on both the box and the tube, leading me to think they ran out of ideas for what to put on this box and tube — is the instructions.
- Drop your shorts to your ankles, or remove completely from body. Does anyone else’s “Fight or Flight” reflex kick in when a man with a pornstar mustache and a tube of lubricant instruct you to drop your shorts to your ankles (or, worse, remove them altogether)? Because I’m panicking here.
- Apply a liberal amount directly to your perineal area. At — after shipping — $7.00 per ounce, I’ll bet they want me to use a liberal amount. Also, I really don’t see how it would even be possible to use this tube to apply directly to my taint unless I were to adopt a position which I absolutely positively never ever ever would want to be discovered in. I love the image in this step, though. It looks like I’m supposed to squirt the cream onto my hand and then wave my hand around in the air in a stirring motion.
- Be a champion and enjoy your long, satisfying, comfortable ride. Let’s face it: they put this step in here because they didn’t want to have just two steps. That’s fine, but I would recommend that they just put the word “Profit!” here instead.
Trying It Out
You can tell I’m stalling, can’t you? After the trauma of trying Assos Chamois Creme years ago, I have been terrified of ever spalming again.
And yet, I fear that without applying some of DZNuts to my “junk,” this review would have been somehow incomplete.
OK. Let’s do this.
Hey, look. There’s spalm in my palm. Roughly $2.75 worth, I believe.
Now, I’m going to (mercifully) spare you the photos of the moment of application. Because this is a family blog. Also, because I don’t want to gross anyone out.
I was worried that I would look like this:
Or possibly even this:
But the truth is, it was more like this:
Which is to say, DZNuts has a little kick, but is not at all painful. That is, you do not get the Ben-Gay-in-Jockey-Shorts effect.
Which is a good thing.
As someone who for some reason doesn’t seem to suffer from saddle sores (maybe I use so much Tabasco sauce that my sweat is toxic to bacteria and fungi) or saddle soreness, it’s hard for me to tell whether this is the real deal. I expect it well could be — I’ll pass the tube around at the Leadville 100 this Saturday and gather impressions afterword.
And, by all means, if any of you out there have experience in the matter, please leave a note in the comments section. I’m sure everyone is interested in your impression of Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts.