Dear Mr. Arokiasamy,
I just got what I assume is the first draft of your new press release; thanks for sending it my way.
I’ve got to say, Frank, this sucker needed work.
Luckily for you, I — in addition to being an Award Winning Blogger (2008 Weblog Award, “Best Sports Blog in the Whole World” Category) — have spent most of my career as an editor. As a favor to you, I’m sending you back your press release, edited for accuracy, honesty, and pragmatism.
Stuff I added is in red, stuff I deleted is in
The Fat Cyclist
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
In an Effort to
be Included on the UCI Calendar Re-Animate the Corpse of Its Completely Unrealistic Fantasy, Aqu, Inc. Reschedules Inaugural Tour of America Until 2009 to 2112
Pressing forward in the face of ridicule, eye-rolling, and general snorts and giggles, with
route details and sponsorship agreements unwarranted bravado, Aqu also announces executive team is high on crack
LUMBERTON, N.C. – March 31, 2008 – Aqu, Inc., would-be organizers of The Tour of America (voted “least-likely to succeed” by its peers), a totally hypothetical multi-stage coast-to-coast professional bicycle road race, today announced rescheduling of the inaugural race until September 2009 or 2112, or when hell freezes over. Whichever comes first.
Since the original announcement of the Tour of America in September 2007, Aqu executives and staff members have
met tried to meet with cities along the proposed route, potential sponsors and race teams. Unfortunately, not a single person has yet returned their calls. They have, however had success reaching , as well as staff members of USA Cycling and the Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI), the sport”s governing bodies. Specifically, they have reached the receptionist and night janitor, and are thoroughly looking forward to having lunch with them sometime in the next two years.
“After we announced the Tour of America last fall, we jokingly said we were going to do it
hit the ground running to make the event happen in 2008,” said Frank Arokiasamy, Aqu”s president and would-be director of what would be called the Tour of America, if such a thing were to ever happen. “Everyone we have spoken with wants to see a ‘Tour de France-style” race here in the United We want to work with USA Cycling and UCI to establish this event as a compliment to the major international races, and at the same time not conflict with established races in the United States. Overall, we want to make sure the Tour of America strengthens the sport of cycling and the race calendar. In addition, potential sponsors and route cities have expressed strong support for a fall 2009 race laughs at us. I suspect this might be because we so far have not been able to get any teams to sign up, or any sponsors to sign up, or any cities to sign up. Other than that, things are going great.”
At this point, Arokiasamy began to weep.
Exact dates for the fall
2009 2112 — the first year at which this event could realistically happen — edition of the Tour of America has not been finalized, because climate change may have drastically altered the riding season by then, plus we’ll all be dead before it happens anyway. Tour of America staff are currently finalizing route details calling chambers of commerce all across America, trying to find out who the right guy is to ask if their bike race can take over their town for a day, hosting an event nobody’s ever heard of, sponsorship agreements (current sponsors include Peggy’s Bridal and Floral, All-A-Dollar, and Primal Jerseys) and proposed dates to comply with USA Cycling”s race application process. Once the application is submitted, USA Cycling will review it, find fault with it, demand a revised version submitted in triplicate, demand drug tests of every person who lives along the race route, send the proposal to committee, where it will sit for 104 years. At that point, an archaeologist will discover and submit the 2009 2112 Tour of America”s dates, along with all of the races on the national calendar, to the UCI for approval. UCI (also known as The Priests of the Temples of Syrinx) will then reject it without comment.
The Tour of America currently includes a staff of more than 25 people, including the following:
- Tour Director and Sponsorship – Frank Arokiasamy
- Race Director – Richard Dunn
- Team Relations Director – Todd Nurnberger
- City Relations Director – A.M. Noel
- Events Director – Rachel Enter-Guzman
- Volunteer Director – Rick Warren
- Marketing Director – Brian Ispen
- Merchandising Director – Auburn Collins
- Snacks - Elden Nelson
- Public Relations – Dick Pound
For more biographical information about the above staff members, please visit the About Us page.
The 2009 Tour of America is also looking for volunteers to help with city and race coordination along the race route. For more information about volunteering, please visit the Volunteer page. Please. We’re begging.
Originally, we wanted The Tour of America
will to be a 21-stage, 2,200 mile (more than 3,500 km) professional bicycle road race. Unfortunately, there’s no chance in the world that will happen, so we’re thinking maybe we’ll settle for a two-stage, 200-mile race. It will be the largest spectator event in the history of U.S. sports, traveling from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. The event will include close to 200 riders (194.72 riders, to be precise), from 21 of the world’s elite cycling most imaginary teams in the world to participate and will boast a prize purse currently pegged at $10 million (in Monopoly money), the largest purse of any international cycling event. And hey, as long as we’re just making stuff up, let’s also say that everyone who participates gets a free pony.
On the first day of The Tour of America
will start the racers will ride around in a parking structure about twenty miles from in New York”s Central Park. On the next day, we’ll have them fly across the country and finish in the San Francisco Bay Area. (To see the complete schedule, please visit the Routes page. Until this venture by Aqu, all major international cycling races were held outside the U.S. Smaller stage races are currently held throughout the United States and draw respectable spectator crowds and provide significant economic impact to local communities. However, these races are geographically located within single states, while The Tour of America will span approximately 18 states and will travel through hundreds of towns and cities along the way. As such, the The 2009 Tour of America is expected to attract literally millions dozens of spectators along the 2 ,200-mile route.
Cities the racers will fly over
along the race”s route include New York City, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Denver, Las Vegas, Sacramento, Napa, Santa Rosa and Palo Alto, to name a few. It will be totally awesome.l
For information about The Tour of America, please visit www.TheTourofAmerica.com.
About Aqu, Inc.
North Carolina-based Aqu, Inc. is the parent company of AquSports. Founded in July 2007 by Frank Arokiasamy, AquSports
is dreams of one day being the producer and organizer of the 2009 Tour of America, a multi-stage, coast-to-coast, professional international bicycle road race. For more information about The Tour of America, please visit www.TheTourofAmerica.com your happy place, where all daydreams come true.