An Open Letter to Delta 7 Sports, Maker of the Arantix Mountain Bike
Dear Delta 7,
I am so excited about your incredible innovation: The Arantix Mountain Bike, featuring IsoTruss technology! I will post a picture below, so that everyone who reads this open letter can have their minds as thoroughly and completely blown as mine:
Yes, it’s true: your bike frame is teeny tiny threads of carbon fiber and kevlar, making tubes that are mostly air.
Awesome. Hey, let’s take a closer look at that frame, shall we?
I swear, all of us cyclists who really like our bike tubes to double as cheese graters are just going to flip over this thing, Delta 7. And it’s so elegant-looking, too! If I don’t miss my guess, that top-tube is no thicker than my thigh. And the downtube is quite possibly thinner than my waist!
Anyway, Delta 7, I just wanted to write you a letter describing all the ways I think your bike is really cool. You should feel free to use any of these ideas in your marketing material.
Reason 1: Price!
Delta 7, some people might find the $12,000 you’re asking for a complete bike somewhat exorbitant. Well, that’s just because they’re not used to the amount of money one must expect to spend on an extremely well-made bike. For example, one could expect to pay $3300 for a Gary Fisher SuperFly, another top-end carbon fiber bike.
Which means, I guess, for the cost of your bike I could buy three SuperFlys and still have enough money left over for a Rig or two. So I guess that didn’t make my point very well.
OK, then, how about we compare the Arantix to the Orbea Alma. Now there’s a high-end, custom-made, expensive carbon hardtail…which, now that I look at the specs on the website, tops out at around $4600. Which means I could buy one and still have enough money to buy an Orca. And an Opal, for days when the Orca’s in the shop.
But I’m sure, Delta 7, that most any cyclist, like me, would much rather have an Arantix than two or three top-of-the-line bikes from any other manufacturer.
Reason 2: Awesome Parts!
As you no doubt know, Delta 7, I could buy the Arantix frame all by its sad, lonely self for a paltry $7,000. But why would I do that when I could spend another $5000 on:
- Fox F100 RLC fork
- Shimano XTR drivetrain and wheels
- 2 Crank Brothers Ti Egg Beaters pedals
- RaceFace Next SL carbon fiber handlebar
- 2 LizardSkins Lock-On grips
- L.H. Thomson Masterpiece handlebar stem and seatpost
- Chris King NoThreadSet headset
- Selle Italiá Kit Carbonio saddle
- complete LizardSkins Arantix frame skinset
Now, some people might call that spec pedestrian, and some might call the price for that spec “price gouging” or “completely insane.” But those people clearly don’t have any idea of how much a “complete LizardSkins Arantix frame skinset” costs. I mean, think about it for a second. That frame — you know, the one I’m going to pay $7000 for — is full of holes, so I’d darn well better cover it up with a big ol’ condom, so nobody can see it. And making a frame condom can’t be cheap.
Either that, or you’re thinking I won’t mind paying a little bit more than full retail for each individual part in that build, in spite of the fact that I’m buying it as part of a complete bike.
And you know what, Delta 7? You’re absolutely right! I’m perfectly happy to pay as much for your parts kit as I would for a complete, handmade, Titanium mountain bike from Seven Cycles.
Reason 3: Weight!
With all those triangle-shaped holes in the Arantix’s tubing, I’d expect this to be one light frame. And I’d be right! That frame, in fact, ways just 2.75 pounds, which is really, really light.
And you know what? It doesn’t bother me a bit that pretty much every carbon fiber MTB frame ways that about that much, and quite a few weigh less.
I’ve got a great marketing slogan for you, Delta 7:
Arantix: Pretty light is light enough
Feel free to put that in your brochures.
Reason 4: Hours and Hours and Hours of Fun!
As the owner of a $12,000 bike, I am not going to want to ever have it look anything but pristine. However, I must be honest with you, Delta 7: as the owner of a $12,000 bike, there is no way I am going to hide it with a LizardSkin condom. I want people to see how wealthy I am when I ride.
So you know what I’m looking forward to doing, Delta 7? Riding my Arantix in the mud, and then cleaning it. I figure that in order to keep it looking good, I will need approximately two soft-bristle toothbrushes and 497 Q-tips per cleaning session.
And a quart of Windex.
And about nine hours.
But you know what, Delta 7? It’s going to be totally worth it, because I’m sure that by putting that much work into it, the completely visible interior of my bike’s tubes will never get dusty or grody.
Reason 5. Hyper-Portable
Of course, I’ve been keeping my favorite thing about the Arantix for second-to-last. You see, when I first saw the Arantix and found out that the weave of the tubes doesn’t make it any lighter, I was confused. Sure, I saw your site copy talking about how strong it is, but the truth is, I only need it to be strong enough to hold me, not me plus a satchel full of anvils, or a human pyramid.
“Hmmm,” went my reasoning. “The bike’s not lighter, but it is bulkier-looking, incredibly expensive, and almost certainly an all-day job to clean. Where’s the benefit?”
And that’s when I realized: the IsoTruss strength argument is a red herring. The real reason the Arantix has that wild shape is because it must secretly work just like the Hoberman Sphere!
The resemblance is compelling, isn’t it?
Yes, I posit that just like the Hoberman Sphere, the triangles in Arantix are hinged, so the whole frame folds down to fit neatly in my pocket. I’m guessing the spokes on the wheels have a locking, telescoping mechanism, so they fold down to practically nothing. I’ll bet the whole bike fits in a briefcase by the time it finishes, right? Like in the Jetsons opening montage.
That is going to be so cool.
Delta 7, this is a major selling point. I know that so far you haven’t mentioned it in any of your marketing material and just want it to be one of those cool little surprises that will make the new purchaser extra-glad he bought the bike, but I think this is significant enough that you should hammer it as a big selling point.
Or, if it doesn’t do that Hoberman Sphere thing, maybe you could defray some of the outrageous sticker shock of this bike by doing a “buy one, get two free” promotion.
Reason 6: Rideability!
Um, actually, I haven’t been able to find any independent reports on how the Arantix rides. But at $12,000, it’s got to be good. Right? Just give me your assurance this $12,000 bike — your company’s first bike design ever — rides close to as well as a Specialized Rockhopper, and we’re all set.
Congratulations on a compelling innovation in cycling, Delta 7! I can hardly wait to meet someone actually riding one of your bikes.
Or at least see it mounted on the back of his H2.
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
PS: Thanks to the GeekCyclist, who yesterday emailed me and said, “Hey, you should write something about that new IsoTruss bike.” So I did. I didn’t realize I take requests, but evidently I’m happy to!
PPS: Delta 7 is a local company, so I expect to be beaten to death very soon. The police will, no doubt, be able to find my killers, due to the highly unique markings left all over my broken body by the club. “The weapon can be only one of two things,” Detective McNulty will say. “A cheesegrater, or an Arantix downtube!”
PPPS: If there’s someone out there who has plunked down their $1000 in order to get into the Arantix queue, I’d love you to send me an email explaining why you want this bike so badly that you’re happy to spend $1000 to get in a line to buy a $12,000 bike you’ve never test-ridden (unless you have test-ridden it, in which case your ride should be a huge part of your rebuttal). I will publish your response without revision. My only condition is, you must also reveal what kind of car you drive.
Comment by cheapie | 12.6.2007 | 12:02 am
you know what the problem is fatty? people will buy this thing!!!
and extra points for using the word grody. i haven’t heard that word for a decade or so.
Comment by Kalgrm | 12.6.2007 | 12:13 am
Nice work Fatty.
A few extra marketing points to add, if I may be so bold:
1 – Just imagine the wooshing noise this frame will make on a really fast down hill sprint (or tied to a H2). Watch the startled looks on the faces of your competitors as you pass them by: they’ll think a swarm of midgets each bearing a Cat’O'Nine tails is attacking! That alone has to be worth the price of admission.
2 – This bike just has to have a low radar profile. Stealth riding at its best.
3 – The down tube is perfect for collecting small rocks. As such, it will make a great sampling device for the geologist on the move. “Can’t be bothered stopping to collect samples? No problem: let the Delta 7 sample collection/transport system handle it for you.” The rattle of trapped gravel will also keep stray deer aware of your passage through the woods.
Cheers,
Graeme
Comment by Weean | 12.6.2007 | 12:28 am
I’m just in the office, so not having woken up yet, I at first assumed this was another of your shameless grovelling letters for free stuff. You may have stung Delta 7 a little bit there, but I don’t think it’s too late to get them on board the “Ads for schwag” programme.
Being incredibly dorky, and having studied Materials Science, I thought the Arantix was really cool when I first saw it. Then I saw the price tag. On a more positive note, the website does boast that the bike is handcrafted in the USA, so at least you don’t have to worry too much about lead paint.
If only it really was auxetic!
Comment by TheLurker | 12.6.2007 | 2:34 am
I’m impressed by the fact that all the mud and grot thrown up by the front wheel will be redistributed in totally random way when it hits the tubing. It adds a wonderful element of uncertainty to the riding experience. You’ll also be able to create artworks to rival Jackson Pollock which should go a long way to covering the cost of purchase.
Comment by will | 12.6.2007 | 2:53 am
Well, if the dollar keeps crashing it will be a really good deal in EUROs! I’m gonna wait a couple of months before buying.
Does it come in Fuschia? I’d pay another $4,000 for custom color.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 12.6.2007 | 3:05 am
I’m glad you took a decent swing at them over the cleaning because while I never clean my bikes – save to search for the adjusting screws at the annual tune up (fortunately as a trackie only 1 of my 4 bikes has anything to adjust) – I’m sure normal people would hate what cleaning truly means as the owner of this monstrosity.
On a positive (or at least less negative note), that’s quite an aggressive approach to the ever expanding fashion of “open weave” carbon fibre.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 12.6.2007 | 3:08 am
Off on a slight tangent… when they respond, can you check when they’ll be expanding their range to include a track frame. Because I don’t think there’s anywhere near enough carnage on the track and I’m certain that riding a cheese grater at 40 mph in a bunch where nobody has brakes is a great recipe for a frontpage news story.
Comment by Ed W | 12.6.2007 | 3:28 am
It’s not a new idea. Do a search for “birdcage maserati”.
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 12.6.2007 | 3:48 am
Whoa remind me not to get in your bad books. What a rip – grated them to shreds. No free stuff there.
How is Susan doing?
Comment by FliesOnly | 12.6.2007 | 4:57 am
“Or at least see it mounted on the back of his H2.”
And that…it is sad to say…pretty much sums it up.
Comment by Philly Jen | 12.6.2007 | 5:06 am
Wait, isn’t “arantix” Latin for — oh, never mind, I’m sure it’s illegal in Utah.
Meanwhile, a toast to our friends at Delta 7. Bottoms up!
Comment by Bluenoser | 12.6.2007 | 5:18 am
Nice Fatty. Cheesegrater is one thing but this bike could come in real handy out on the trail. You know, when you come across that log that’s blocking the trail and you can’t get over or around. Send your riding partner to the other side, flip the bike, and use the bike like a two man cross-cut.
-B
Comment by TIMK | 12.6.2007 | 5:19 am
I don’t normally use the term “fugly” but I can’t quite think of another word to describe this. Fideous? Fawful?
Comment by Al Maviva | 12.6.2007 | 5:30 am
There is a point in bicycle design where the obsession with ornamental flair overtakes the bike’s utilitarian aesthetic, at the expense of functionality. This bike passes that point, then goes on a ten year, worldwide cycling tour. Much later it returns to that point with a bulldozer, some dynamite, a fat dude with a huge gut that he rests on top of his jackhammer, and an Evil Deloper, and proceeds to obliterate that point and put up a strip mall on the spot. A strip mall with three Starbucks in it.
No, I’m not impressed by the esoteric weirdness of that little weirdomobile. I wouldn’t want to own a bike that is too nice, and at the same time possibly too weird to ride. Plus there’s the whole issue of Delta 7 apparently having paid markup over suggested retail cost for the components. What the hell… I don’t know what to make of a company that is purportedly a bike maker but doesn’t know enough to buy components at wholesale. Of course there is an alternative answer, that they are just sticking it to their customers presuming their customers are ignorant, or foolish enough to wear the cost of a bike as a badge of distinction.. naaah. No high end bike maker would be that venal, and no cyclist would be that crass, right? Right? Hello???? Is there an echo in here?
Comment by Bluenoser | 12.6.2007 | 5:31 am
Come to think of it I wouldn’t want to straddle anything that grates. Nope, don’t want to.
-B
Comment by Lowrydr | 12.6.2007 | 5:40 am
What with the theory that the vehicle used to haul your bike is priced proportionately opposite that of said bike. Then you will need to find a pristine 1970’s era Ford Pinto with optional leather trim seats and exploding gastank.
Maybe a green one so as to blend in to the background and not embarrass your fellow riders at the trailhead. That’s if you can even get someone to ride with you on that Cheese Grater. Oh yea and maybe put one of those seats on it that also has all those holes in it.
Now for more important things: A big Hello to Susan and hope she is making forward progress on whipping the pain. Always keeping you in our thoughts.
Comment by Uphill Battle | 12.6.2007 | 6:20 am
This is a true multi-tasker–bicycle, cheese grater, two man cross-cut! I bet is can shred cabbage into mountains of coleslaw as well. I bet Ron Popeil and Ronco are behind this gimmick!
Comment by Fan of Susan | 12.6.2007 | 6:24 am
I must have gotten about the same amount of sleep as Weean last night, as I too read your opening sentence and thought you were in the throes of pimping yourself out for another bike! Too funny. Perhaps you can host a contest for any of us who manage to get a pic of someone riding one of those…..hope Susan is doing better.
Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 12.6.2007 | 6:25 am
God, I have to say I love your “Open Letters”. Since you are getting a Gary Fisher Superfly, if they are so touched by your post, can I have the Arantix for a while to ride (Wink, laughs). I also have to laugh various body parts off at the Hoberman Sphere comment. I used to work at an upscale toy store, and we sold those. I told my wife when I saw pictures of this thing from Interbike “look, its the Hoberman Bike”. I swear I thought I was the only person who owned one of those. Kudos, Fatty… Kudos.
Comment by Donald | 12.6.2007 | 6:28 am
Another positive aspect of the cheese grater design… It’s an innovative approach to weight loss. This most likely will replace liposuction as the quick way for those looking to shave off a few pounds from heavy thighs!
Comment by Walt Roscello | 12.6.2007 | 6:41 am
Wow, the comments are running just as funny as the article so far.
For $12,000 I could get a carbon fiber _tandem_ (or a metal quad) – and not have mud getting in the tubes.
They claim they will do a road bike next year – I can’t wait to see the aerodynamic numbers on that. And how about riding it in the rain – spray may make it right through both tubes.
Comment by Lifesgreat | 12.6.2007 | 6:47 am
I read about these bikes in my local paper a little while ago. The frames are “handwound”, thus the high price tag. They are working on a mechanized way to make the frames, thus lowering the cost. I believe they are manufactured about a 1/2 hour south of you, Fatty. Maybe you will soon see one!
Here is the article: http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,695228907,00.html
If I owned one of those bikes, with my luck, its design would trap a pack of bees, wasps or hornets and make my biking even more memorable.
Comment by Walt Roscello | 12.6.2007 | 7:04 am
Maybe they could oversize the down tube enough to store your water bottles in there.
Comment by Marrock | 12.6.2007 | 7:13 am
And, at the right speed, the frame whistles Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.
Comment by CLBlood | 12.6.2007 | 7:35 am
My dream road bike, which I may never buy, costs $2,500. My actual
bike costs $499.99 (doping sucks).
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 12.6.2007 | 7:40 am
I can easily explain the high-retail price of the components: They’ve only built one of these bikes and they purchased the parts individually from Racer. Of course, the problem was that they didn’t know how Racers “reverse bargaining” works. Here is likely how the transaction went:
Delta 7: how much for this shifter?
Racer: (silence)
d7: uhhh so will you take like 30 bucks?
r: no i can’t let you pay that, it wouldn’t be right.
so what’s the price?
(long pause followed by a shrug)
well how ’bout this saddle, and a seatpost?
ehhhh, i donno, what do you think?
well we only had 17,000 bucks as start-up money and it cost us 12 grand to build the frame…
(racer has meanwhile walked into the back of the store and started building a wheel. When he comes back out there is a check for $5000 dollars. Missing from his inventory are just enough parts to build up one bike)
Comment by DNAtsol | 12.6.2007 | 7:42 am
With the open weave on a nice dirt/mud track, what starts out as a “pretty light” frame would fill up with goop, getting heavier and heavier and heavier.
Hmmm…. I do believe they’ve gotten in on the ground floor of a whole new cycling sport – the Cycle Pull. Forget your weeny cycle trailer, this is an extreme sport! Coming soon to an arena near you with CARZILLA (http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:111254) and monster tractor pulls (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Tractor_pulling) as the opening card. Think of the sponsership opportunities, with STP and EXXON and BP, $12000 is a starting price: A bike for beginner CyclePullers.
Comment by Big Boned | 12.6.2007 | 7:51 am
Yeah, yeah…I see your points…BUT did you ever consider that this design would enable you to “weave” a cable lock into the frame, thereby eliminating the problem of storage while you are riding. That ALONE makes this bike “lustworthy”.
I also believe it impossible that with all those “edges” there isn’t one that would be at the PERFECT angle to open an “after-ride refreshment”.
Comment by Canadian Roadie | 12.6.2007 | 8:38 am
Haha, so I went to their website – they definitely are going for the hard sell! I clicked on D7 life, a page that is supposed to show riders and their “lifestyle” including their new $12,000 bikes. The page is “under construction”. Hmm, that tells me a lot. Good luck Delta 7! You’re gonna need it.
Comment by RoadRage | 12.6.2007 | 9:34 am
WOW!! I’m pretty sure one of the blessings ‘Gary Fisher’ should count this year is that Fatty likes his bikes :-)
Good stuff
Comment by DNAtsol | 12.6.2007 | 9:36 am
WoW!? This has never happened before? My comment is awaiting moderation???
Comment by Willie Nelson | 12.6.2007 | 9:58 am
Come on, you can’t mention Racer and that company in the same sentence. At least use Taylor’s Bike shop….
Comment by Miles Archer | 12.6.2007 | 9:59 am
Do they make a recumbent? Then I’d want one.
Comment by DNAtsol | 12.6.2007 | 10:01 am
I’ll try again with out the funny links:
With the open weave on a nice dirt/mud track, what starts out as a “pretty light†frame would fill up with goop, getting heavier and heavier and heavier.
Hmmm…. I do believe they’ve gotten in on the ground floor of a whole new cycling sport – the Cycle Pull. Forget your weeny cycle trailer, this is an extreme sport! Coming soon to an arena near you with CARZILLA and monster tractor pulls as the opening card. Think of the sponsorship opportunities, with STP and EXXON and BP, $12000 is a starting price: A bike for beginner CyclePullers!
Comment by GenghisKhan | 12.6.2007 | 10:14 am
The best part about the Deseret News article is that it originally claimed, inferentially, of course, that Delta 7 had secretly developed a method of nullifying the weight of all bike components in that they claimed that a “complete bike” only weighed 2.7 pounds. They’ve since changed the article with some helpful input of caring reader(s)…
Comment by leroy | 12.6.2007 | 10:23 am
To quote BSNYC from a similar context: “A Rubicon of bubbly Velveeta has been crossed.”
Comment by Flying Penguin | 12.6.2007 | 10:45 am
Unreal! The bike is interesting looking to say the least. I have one minor concern, however, by their making the frame with thousands of holes haven’t they just increased the probability of catching the random tree branch, root, twig and/or berries (what you could catch in the spokes allowing you to do a full gainer and then header into the dirt) exponentially? Just a thought (random and infrequent as mine might be)
Comment by Big Tommy C | 12.6.2007 | 10:45 am
You know, I actually like that bike.
I think it looks pretty cool, and I love the tech behind it.
I’m sure the weight will come down to be more in line with (or lower than) comparable carbon bikes after it’s got a bit more engineering in it.
I probably won’t ever get one though, just like I’ll never own a carbon bike (I don’t like the lack of longevity and the weight limits).
Of course, the price is ridiculous any way you look at it.
Comment by bikemike | 12.6.2007 | 11:04 am
all i saw was ANTHRAX, somehow the rest af the article didn’t induce enthusiasm.
Comment by KeepYerBag | 12.6.2007 | 11:30 am
It’ll take me a few days to get the ‘bike condom’ image out of my head. I just about died laughing.
Like Hummers, I’d bet 90% of these bikes would never venture off of asphalt.
Another winner, Elden.
Comment by Trapper Dan | 12.6.2007 | 12:03 pm
The holes in the frame will serve as a “deer whistle”. No more costly repairs due to collisions with deer or any other animals.
Worth $12,000 to me.
TD
Comment by Mark | 12.6.2007 | 12:04 pm
Damn, that thing’s fugly.
I can name 12,000 better things to do with $12,000…
Comment by Logan | 12.6.2007 | 12:17 pm
As soon as you hit a rock with that down-tube, the whole thing is going to blow up and send carbon shrapnel into your nether-regions. Sign me up for two.
Comment by fatty | 12.6.2007 | 12:18 pm
i was really hoping someone would stand up and call me wrong, that this bike is really really sexy and they’re going to plunk down $1k and get in line. surely someone’s going to come to the defense of this bike, right?
Comment by AMG in Texas | 12.6.2007 | 12:20 pm
I bet you will get the real reason why the frame is made that way once you get some air and come down hard…. the frame is a secret shock absorber!! Yes it will. Put some stress on that frame and it will SPROING back into its original shape after the hit. I guess you have to own one to know of this hidden feature.
I wonder what the matching helmet looks like for this machine….
They have a special gift for the balding customers…. a hair weave to match the bike. Too bad it only comes in orange.
Best wishes to Susan!!! Get well soon, we are all pulling for you ;-)
A special note to Fattys Mom… insist he gets a second helping on everything you cook…. just like when he was a fat toddler.
Go Biker Girls!!! Go Team Fatty!!! :-)
The world is a better place to be in today…. Al Maviva spoke!!! Did you put up the venture capital for Delta 7???
Comment by Sprocketboy | 12.6.2007 | 12:30 pm
This is strange: I think that you are channelling BikeSnob NYC or something here.
I think I underpaid for my S-Works Tarmac. To think I could have gone out and bought a really nice used Mazda Miata to carry it around in as well for the price of the cheese-grater bike. But this is the Joy of Choice taht is one of the key successes of Capitalism and Democracy! You won’t see anyone in Hanoi or Havana riding an Anthrax. Eat your hearts out, Commies!
Comment by fatty | 12.6.2007 | 12:43 pm
sprocketboy – please bear in mind that i was doing open letters to folks YEARS before bsnyc wrote his first post. nothing against bsnyc, but let’s remember who’s got seniority in this cycling comedy bizness.
Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 12.6.2007 | 12:55 pm
FC
you are the richard pryor of the comedy cycling blog business.
bsnyc is more like….say…..dave chappelle.
Both are funny, but only one is genius
Comment by Marrock | 12.6.2007 | 1:00 pm
You can be Dean Martin to BSNYC’s Don Rickles
Comment by Clydesteve | 12.6.2007 | 1:09 pm
These Delta 7 guys are real pros. I like how on the “Products” page of their site they identify the important features like Delta 7 Headbadge, which label is instructively pointed at the top tube.
Comment by aussie kev | 12.6.2007 | 1:14 pm
awesome article !!!!
Comment by bikemike | 12.6.2007 | 1:17 pm
Honorable Dr. Fuentes, i would say more like Jim Carrey to Jeff Daniels but we get your point.
Comment by Canadian Roadie | 12.6.2007 | 1:57 pm
Haha, I bet they are all excited because they got a bunch of hits today. Suckers.
Comment by mark | 12.6.2007 | 2:12 pm
Delta 7 are trying to convince people that their headbadge is truly cool. Of note is that niner makes note of their headbadge, but in their case, it truly is cool. And up until last year, Niner’s buyers actually knew where to look for the headbadge.
Unfortunately, with a name like Delta 7, there is no way to make a cool headbadge. The design of the bike is not the only thing wrong with their marketing strategy. For all the money spent on R&D, they could have at least offered a free pair of socks as schwag for one of fatty’s online contests to help them come up with a name more creative and awe-inspiring than Delta 7. Sheesh. Reminds me of the marketing department at the large company I work for–if we sold sushi, those genii would promote it as “cold dead fish.”
Comment by Ricky | 12.6.2007 | 2:30 pm
Ah, nice to see a good ole-fashioned open letter from Fatty. And what a beauty (the letter, not the airtracks frame)! I’m trying to figure out where things went wrong here. I have few ideas:
1. The brilliant D7 R&D guys have way too much time on their hands. While I applaud them for not using their extra time to create goofy Christmas flash throw-aways hoping they get all viral or, better yet, get into crack because crack is the big thing, I have to stop applauding because hey, who the hell cares about the Elvis bike frame? Let me qualify that, who the hell in the bike world cares about the Elvis frame? Wait, maybe they can partner with Assos, http://www.fatcyclist.com/2006/09/29/an-open-letter-to-assos/a, who is also clearly disconnected from the bike world. mmm, the smell of menthol and fresh carbon wrapped with the luxurious legs of a Swiss super model…Delicious.
2. The brilliant D7 R&D guys forgot to do any sort of market analysis to find out if anyone would actually need, want, or even wish for an Elvis frame. Don’t tell me, I bet their favorite movie is Field of Dreams. I can hear the conflict at HQ now:
R&D: How come you aren’t selling more of my brilliant airtracks bikes?
Sales Guy: Nobody wants them. My “Free Cheese†promotion didn’t pan out. I think I should have gone with the cheddar.
R&D: That’s your job, Tiny Elvis. If you can’t do it, I’ll find somebody that can.
Sales Guy: Are you threatening me? Why don’t you go sell them?
R&D: I’m an inventor, not a sales guy. You’re fired!
Sales Guy: Whatever. As soon as mom gets home from Vegas, I’m telling. She’s gonna be pissed at you. Hey, play ya a game of Guitar Hero?
R&D: I go first.
3. Nothing went wrong here. D7 may become the hottest selling frame in a market, which may be huge. What the hell do we know? We just ride bikes and sometimes pay for them. We don’t design them.
I really don’t get the H2 references and will refuse to make my sixty dollar payment to you unless they stop, Fatty. In my mind’s eye, I think the airtracks would look much better between the long horns on the front of a 70s El Dorado. Pure Class.
Comment by Al Maviva | 12.6.2007 | 2:48 pm
>>Mark Says:
>>December 6th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
>>Damn, that thing’s fugly.
>>I can name 12,000 better things to do with $12,000…
Right, Mark. And I’m betting 11,988 of them have to do with a stripper named Kelli, with an “I,” and 12 of them have to do with an overpriced Bud long neck.
Comment by Earl | 12.6.2007 | 3:14 pm
Not being a biker dude, this was sarcasm, right? I’m wondering though, does the cheese grater part actually make the ride “springy”? Cause that would make it ALL worth the money, right?
Comment by Mrs. Coach | 12.6.2007 | 4:07 pm
you sound like you’re in the same mood as me today.
Comment by jenni | 12.6.2007 | 4:11 pm
I had a vision of this frame slathered in soapy water and all the pretty bubbles flying out as you ride faster and faster.
Comment by sans auto | 12.6.2007 | 4:43 pm
I just got me one, it rides like a dream… But how do you get the cheese out of the top tube?
Comment by KatieA | 12.6.2007 | 5:25 pm
Ooohh, pretty.
That thing (when coverted into Australian dollars of course) costs more than the deposit on my house cost me.
And yes Bluenoser – what sane male would want to straddle himself over THAT thing??!! I mean, one slip and you’ll be singing soprano for life.
Fatty, always a pleasure to read your open letters. I’m awaiting the scathing reply, and hoping we can get something to print on the new FC 2008 (no dislike of spalming of course).
Comment by Bluenoser | 12.6.2007 | 5:54 pm
Ok Fatty,
I’ve finally finished work and have had way too much supper and have now had time to look into this. Being third generation plumber I’m having a hard time with their use of the word tubing. As in ” open latticework tubing”.
Def:
tube noun the fluid travels through the tube cylinder, pipe, piping, conduit, line, flue, hose, cannula, catheter, siphon, pipette, funnel, duct, pipeline, drain.
I don’t know about you Fatty but this just doesn’t hold water with me.
Say Hi to Susan for me.
-B
Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 12.6.2007 | 6:12 pm
I think my grandma had a doily that looked like that once. Come to think of it she sold it to some crazy engineer at a garage sale in Utah. Said something about “strongest, ugliest, bike, EVER!” and ran off laughing.
(Sorry, I really didn’t work hard enough on that did I?)
Comment by Steve | 12.6.2007 | 6:16 pm
man, this is funny. the letter is hilarious, and as an added bonus it seems to have inspired a lot of humor in many readers.
to me, too, the idea of riding a trail with a cheese grater between my legs is monumentally HORRIFYING.
but let’s not knock fatty OR bsnyc … they’re different acts, to be sure. i read them both regularly, but can’t put one above the other. points to fatty for being first, but bsnyc isn’t exactly the frustrated understudy!
well done, fatty. wish susan well.
Comment by Bluenoser | 12.6.2007 | 6:17 pm
As long as it’s phun, phun.
-B
Comment by Steve | 12.6.2007 | 6:22 pm
did anyone follow the IsoTruss link?
“The three-dimensional, yet relatively simple geometry of IsoTruss® grid structure provides substantial resistance to local and global column buckling, while lending itself to cost effective fabrication using batch or automated continuous manufacturing techniques.”
cost effective fabrication? ending in a $7000 frame? i can PROBABLY find more expensive frames, but it seems like they’d be lighter, and would not have any of the problems … the grating of the giblets, the collection of the debris, the whistling …
Comment by Thom | 12.6.2007 | 7:29 pm
Couldn’t think of another comment that hasn’t already been made, other than wondering what this so called bicycle company selling their $12,000 cheese grater is REALLY a front for. Maybe a front for selling crack, since they are obviously smoking it? :-)
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 12.6.2007 | 7:56 pm
jenni – tell us more about the bubbles.
Comment by Gordon in Melbourne | 12.6.2007 | 9:30 pm
Being in Oz we have to stick together so I’m with Big Mike….I want to hear more…maybe with photos?????
Comment by Col | 12.6.2007 | 9:45 pm
All you people are too much! And I love it
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 12.7.2007 | 4:16 am
I just showed the picture only to my daughter and her first reaction was “wouldn’t that be uncomfortable?” I asked for further info and she said “if you came off you’d grind your leg or other body part (giggle) into a shredded bloody mess” clever observation and she is not even into bikes. She finished off “and it would wreck your precious lycra Dad – maybe you should get one.” Ouch.
Comment by Pammap | 12.7.2007 | 5:12 am
Ricky, thanks for the link to the assos letter (I had to remove the “a” on the end to get the link to work, by the way) I had never read it before.
Fatty, it is by far the funniest ever. LOL funny. Then, the response from the self-impressed Dr. Lammler was icing on the cake. I think you nailed it that he was the guy that wrote the text for the ad. His “Euro English” was similar to the funky wording in the ad.
Comment by AMG in Texas | 12.7.2007 | 9:03 am
Big Mike and Gordon – I got Jenni’s phone number… 657-4309. It true!!! Call her!! I heard it in a song “Jenni Jenni, who can turn to?? 657-4309…” ;-)
Comment by tigermouth | 12.7.2007 | 9:28 am
from wikipedia:
Examples of auxetic materials include[citation needed]:
* The skin covering the teats on cows.
* Certain rocks and minerals
* Living bone tissue (although this is only suspected).
* Specific variants of polytetrafluorethylene polymers such as Gore-Tex.
Comment by je | 12.7.2007 | 10:14 am
so, you hear back from the Delta7 folks yet?
Comment by Den | 12.7.2007 | 10:32 am
To Amg in Texas:
Are you certain you heard it that way? I’m pretty sure I heard her number was 867-5309…
But I could be wrong…
:-)
Comment by Col | 12.7.2007 | 2:05 pm
Den,
You’re right
Comment by conejita | 12.7.2007 | 6:35 pm
Paging Dr Michael Lamler, Dr Lamler, you have a call on line 3
Comment by jenni | 12.8.2007 | 8:05 am
Ahem, “Jenni”’s number 867-5309 And I know that so well because this summer while riding RAGBRAI I had a “Jenni” license plate and about a thousand people sang me that song…
Ah the pretty bubbles- could be a very useful funtion in a race- thing about the sheild you could recreat!
Comment by Rocky | 12.8.2007 | 7:58 pm
That’s just dumb. Could you imagine a top tube for either gender? Geez.
Comment by Charlie | 12.8.2007 | 9:17 pm
Surely the reason it’s so holey is because it’s made by BYU.
Comment by Dan Gerous | 12.9.2007 | 4:58 pm
I hope it has internal cable routing…
Comment by AMG in Texas | 12.10.2007 | 9:02 am
Den, No wonder a big burly guy named Bruce keeps answering…
Comment by haberd | 12.19.2007 | 1:27 pm
i figured it out…your supposed to shove balloons in each tube and fill them with hydrogen or helium!
air is too heavy for some weight weenies…
Comment by Ron | 01.21.2008 | 11:24 pm
Witty!
Very interesting comments. I had to pick one for my blog post :
http://cozybeehive.blogspot.com/2008/01/isotruss-open-lattice-structure-for.html
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Comment by Shawn | 09.26.2008 | 3:30 pm
Hey hey…broken at Interbike!
http://generation-outdoors.com/gobeta807/node/476
Comment by Jason Mitchell | 10.3.2008 | 3:11 pm
HA! I saw that dude hauling the bike down the trail–dusty as ever. At least he was walking down, seemingly-unscathed. But, it looks like he chipped a tooth, which isn’t cheap to fix, my friend.
I was scheduled for a demo ride on that bike later on in the day, but I quietly let the time slip–opting to ride something a little more proven. Maybe another day I’ll get on the Arantix, but not until they fix that flaw. Yikes!
Comment by cyclegoddess | 01.4.2009 | 9:01 pm
On the up side, you can touch up all the spots you missed shaving your legs, while you ride,on its razor sharp protuberances.
Comment by Anonymous | 04.25.2009 | 4:50 pm
I have ridden both the Arantix, and the Ascend delta 7 bikes, no, the bike does not work like a cheese grater, i have in fact slipped off the seat while braking. (the brakes are massively powerful because of the weight of the bike.) As for the mud weighing the bike down, it will do no more than on any other bike. It was a very solid bike. I was sad to have learned about the trouble at interbike, but after having caught up to them at sea otter, there were no broken bikes. The bike has actually come down in price as well, and FYI one of their racers took first down there making a new track record.
Comment by Anonymous | 07.22.2009 | 5:21 pm
on a big climb i’d topple right backwards. 2 pounds. bah. anyone more than 15 years of age would crush that
Comment by Dave | 08.9.2009 | 7:49 pm
… I didn’t want to read all the comments.
… Did ANYONE ever buy one?
EVER?
Comment by devilish_dwarf | 09.7.2009 | 3:30 am
:rofl:
i’ve just become your biggest fun..
keep on riding!
regards from croatia..
d_d
Comment by Adam | 02.1.2010 | 3:03 pm
I got to ride one of these beasts at a demo last year. I’ve never ridden any other carbon mountain bikes, so I don’t have much to compare it with. It climbed like a champ but felt a bit shaky on the downhills.
The Delta 7 guy at the demo claimed that you can knock out a whole bunch of the triangle links on the frame without the whole thing cracking, but I’m not sure I’d want to ride any cracked frame.
Comment by mountain bikes melbourne | 05.18.2011 | 12:33 am
Oh my god..how can people pay upto $12,000 for bikes. I can’t understand. The photo of that bike is really awesome. First time I have seen that threads of carbon fiber and kevlar used in bike as well. It makes it really strong.
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