12.30.2015 | 2:12 pm
2015 is almost over. Which means this is a perfect opportunity for me to write a post that increases traffic (not to mention lines my pockets with the huge amount of money I make from ad sales), without me having to do any actual writing. Except for this introduction, which is a very good introduction indeed.
As you’re awkwardly standing at New Year’s parties, wishing you were anywhere else (but especially somewhere else that had a bike nearby), you’re sure to have some time to pull out your phone and do some reading.
May I humbly suggest you read any or all of the following, which I consider to be some of my least-awful work from 2015?
Rockwell Relay Race Report
I think most people would agree that my 2015 Rockwell Relay Race Report the best race report I’ve ever written. It also distinguishes itself as one of very few instances on the internet where the comments section is not only not horrible, but actually adds to the quality of the story.
This is a good solid party’s-worth of reading, right here.
Three Terrific (AND CHEAP) Last-Minute Gifts to Get for The Cyclist In Your Life
Last week I wrote what I consider to be the very best guide for present buying there has ever been. I’m pretty sure nobody read it. Please remedy this oversight.
Movie Review: Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT
My mistake, when writing this, was that I didn’t make clear that I wrote this review well before I saw the movie, and that it has nothing to do with the actual movie. Hence, my clickbait headline completely backfired.
More to the point, you can read this review without learning anything. Also, you can read the comments and find that a few people didn’t exactly get the joke.
100 Miles of Nowhere, 2015 Camp Kesem Leadership Summit Edition
Going to Michigan with my twins and racing the 100 Miles of Nowhere on a stage was a huge highlight in my year. This is worth reading again.
Separation Anxiety
The Hammer, The Swimmer and I went on a little mountain bike ride. And pretty much everything went wrong.
All Better, Briefly
Having a cold sucks. This is the story of how wonderful it feels to get out on a ride in spite of feeling miserable, and — briefly, temporarily — feel all better.
Leadville 100 Race Report
2015 was the year of race reports for me. Heck, I’ve got a bunch of race reports from 2015 I still need to get back to work on.
My annual Leadville 100 race report happened to be a pretty darned good one, if I say so myself. And I do.
The Precipitation Negotiations
You want to ride. But the weather and terrain are prohibitively bad. But you’ve traveled so far. But the trail is a mucky mess. But you really really want to ride. This is that story.
The Clipless Pedal Monologues
Remember when you first started riding clipless? So do I.
Sleeping with Your Bike is a Terrible Idea
Lots of people say they love their bikes so much they are considering kicking their human partner out of bed. This is why you should reconsider this very stupid idea.
Conclusion
I’m glad I could rescue you from having to interact with actual people.
Happy new year!
Comments (4)
12.23.2015 | 5:30 pm
Oh no. Christmas is almost here. No, wait. It is here, if you happen to be reading this on the 25th. Or it’s come and gone, if you’re reading it after Christmas. (I like to cover all my bases.)
My point is, Christmas has been approaching at a constant rate for months now. It’s not like you couldn’t have predicted that Christmas would be coming. Furthermore, you could have predicted the time and day on which it would arrive, with some accuracy. But you have just let it come, without doing anything about it.
You are an incredibly slovenly, ungrateful person, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
However, even though you don’t deserve it, I am going to help you, by presenting you with this inspired — yes, inspired! — list of things you can still get for the cyclist friend / family member / neighbor who bought you something and now you feel obligated to get them something, too.
Idea 1: Portable First-Aid Kit
Cyclists crash and get hurt a lot. More than you’d expect, even if you consider that we perch atop a latticework of plastic and spinning metal, the sum total of which has approximately one-quarter square inch of rubber actually in contact with the ground.
And when we cyclists get hurt, we need to patch ourselves up, pronto. By assembling the following items, all of which are likely readily available and laying about in your house, you will seem much more thoughtful on Christmas morning than you actually are.
- Box of Bandaids: just whatever you have left over in the box you’ve got open already, even if they’re those weird-sized ones that aren’t any good for anything
- Turniquet made from a pencil and a no-longer-working mini-USB cable
- Percocet left over from that procedure you had a couple years ago, but the pain wasn’t really as bad as you thought it might be so you still have these lying around, just in case
- Nyquil, just in case your rider gets the sniffles during a ride
- Ambien, in case your friend winds up needing to spend the night in a cave and is having a rough time dozing off
- Alcohol swabs or salt or acetone or anything else that really stings if you get it on a cut. Becasue if it stings, it’s probably killing bacteria, right?
- Liniment, even though I don’t even know what liniment is.
- That crinkly half-full tube of Neosporin you stole from your parents’ house when you moved out about ten years ago. Technically, it expired back in ’05, but it still works. Honest.
Put all of these items in an orphaned sock, and then wrap the whole thing up in multiple layers of duct tape. The entire thing should be the size and shape of a largish duct-taped avocado when you’re done. Put a bow on it and tell the lucky gift winner that it’s a first aid kit for them to always carry when they ride, but that you can’t remember what’s in it, but that it’s guaranteed to be super helpful.
Idea 2: Cycling Upgrade Kit
Cyclists are always wanting a newer, lighter, faster, more-prestigious bike. And if you were a better person, that’s what you would have gotten me. But you didn’t, and now it’s too late.
Or you could have gotten nice new parts to put on their old bike, if you were a cheapskate, but you didn’t even do that. (You are a lousy excuse for a human being.)
But you still have time to make the bike your friend / loved one / cell mate feel like the bike they have is better, lighter, newer, and more expensive.
All you have to do is go get a couple of Sharpies and then write “S-WORKS” on every available space on the bike frame. Up and down the downtube. On the top tube. On the saddle. On the water bottle cages. Everywhere. Technically, this only makes sense if the person is riding a Specialized, but statistically you’re safe with that bet.
Once you’ve done that, it’s time to upgrade the drivetrain. If it’s a road bike, write “DURA-ACE Di2” on the pedals, cranks, and derailleurs. If it’s a mountain bike, write “XTR Di2” in the same places. If you’re not sure which it is, just write both.
Congratulations. Their bike is now worth $18,000. Easy.
Idea 3: Certificates for Bike-Related Services
Sometimes, the very best gift you can give someone is the gift of your time. And since cycling pretty much takes up every spare moment of every cyclist’s life, the gift of some of your time will definitely be welcome. So, create little certificates (or coupons, if you don’t have much spare paper laying around) for any (or all) of the following items:
- A free bike wash: Don’t worry, your friend will never take you up on this, because you’ll let them know that they way you’ll wash it is by taking it to the local car wash and spraying full-tilt into their greased and moving parts for ten minutes.
- 5 free shuttle rides: If you’ve got a downhilling mountain bike friend, this is maybe the best gift you could ever give: saying you’ll be the one to drive them and their bike to the top of a run, then meeting them at the bottom. But what a drag this will be for you if your friend has the audacity to redeem this coupon. Luckily, you can get out of this boring day by simply giving them a ride to the top, dropping them off, and then going home (turn off your phone). When (if) they eventually get home, just look confused and say, “If you didn’t want to pedal at all, why didn’t you just buy a motorcycle?”
- Bike theft: This is an awesome gift to give a cycling friend, on the sly. Promise them you’ll steal their bike whenever they want, then will discretely sell it and split the funds 50-50. I know, I know, that doesn’t sound like much of a gift. But most cyclists really want to buy a new bike, but can’t justify it to their mom or spouse because they already have a perfectly good bike. But if that bike were stolen, well…they’d need to buy a new bike. And since you’re going to secretly give them half the money, they’ll be able to use it to upgrade that bike beyond what they’d otherwise be able to get budget approval for.
Merry Christmas, you rotten, no-good, failure of a present-giver.
Comments (5)
12.10.2015 | 4:03 pm
I’ve been given to understand the following:
- Christmas is coming.
- The goose is getting fat.
As I have been politely instructed, I have therefore put a penny in an old man’s hat (i.e., my own). And also, I have made a list for you. A list of Christmas present ideas. Specifically, these are ideas of presents I think most cyclists would like to get.
Which means, as you might expect, that you should probably share this post around to people who are otherwise probably going to get you a novelty bicycle bell.
You’re welcome.
Idea 1: Make the World a Better Place: There’s a good chance the cyclists you’re buying presents for already have everything they need, both bicycle-wise and otherwise. But you know who doesn’t have everything they need? Kids in Zambia and Kenya. They don’t have anything close to what they need, but the gift of a sturdy bike from World Bicycle Relief will help them have a vastly better life. So how about this? Make a donation in honor of your favorite cyclist. Anonymous wonderful people will match that donation, and WBR will send an e-card (or if you donate $147+, WBR will send an actual printed card) on your behalf.
Idea 2: Send Them Fat Cyclist Gear: Did you know that FatCyclist gear is totally in stock and ready to ship? It is, right now. And it is awesome — the best-made gear I have ever had. The technical gear (jerseys, shorts, bibs) is made in Italy, and it is wonderful. And priced to sell. Order here.
Idea 3: Stan’s Tire Sealant: If there’s a mountain biker on your list, that mountain biker almost certainly rides with tubeless tires. Which means that rider needs sealant on a regular basis. And that sealant is quite likely Stan’s. Get that rider a twelve-pack box of tire sealant, each of which is good for repairing one tire on the go. Or get that rider a pint of sealant, for setting up up to eight tires (because you’ve got to replace the sealant a couple times per season).
Idea 4: A Bike Fitting: A bike fitting is one of the very best things a cyclist can spend time and money on; a well-fit bike makes a huge difference to every ride you go on from that point forward. But it is really rare for people to get themselves a fitting. So, go to your favorite high-end shop and buy a gift certificate good for a fitting for that rider in your life. For what it’s worth, I’m a big fan of the Specialized Body Geometry Fit methodology. Find a Specialized shop nearby that does these. Your friend will thank you.
Idea 5: CO2 Cartridges: Most riders use CO2 inflators to take care of field repairs, and having a big ol’ box of CO2 cartridges on-hand is really convenient. And it’s a lot cheaper to buy them in semi-bulk than one at a time. About every three years, I buy myself a box of thirty 16g threaded CO2 cartridges. And while this isn’t exactly a sexy present, it’s something they’ll be glad you gave them when they need it.
Idea 6: A Torque Wrench: The carbonization of the bike universe means that just cranking down hard on a bolt ’til it won’t turn anymore isn’t the right way to go. A lot of riders, though, are guesstimating on how tight to go…and often, we’re totally wrong. A couple of years ago, James Huang at CyclingNews/BikeRadar recommended the CDI TorqControl adjustable torque wrench, and it’s been my go-to wrench ever since. It comes with the bits you’re most likely to use most often, too.
Idea 7: Grips: If your friend mountain bikes, they probably need new grips on their bike. See, grips wear out, just like chains and cleats and tires and everything else. But while most riders know to change these other things, they just let their grips get older and more compacted and torn up. Which is a shame, because a set of grips is a pretty economical buy, and can make a real difference in how your bike fits. About half my friends ride with Ergon grips, while the rest of us (me included) ride with the ultra-plain ESI silicone grips. Both are great at what they’re for; you just need to check with your friend to see what they are using right now.
Idea 8: Another Floor Pump / Shock Pump: It’s unlikely your riding friend doesn’t have at least one pump. But if they put that bike in a car fairly often, maybe another pump would be really welcome. I personally have two Specialized Air Tool floor pumps: one I keep in my garage, one I keep in my truck. This way, no matter where I start my ride from, I’m guaranteed to have a pump on-hand to make sure my tires are good.
Also, if your friend is a mountain biker, they need a couple shock pumps, for the same reason. I have two Bontrager Shock Pumps (again, one in the garage, one in the truck), and they’ve served me flawlessly.
Idea 9: Road ID: These are such a good idea, and The Hammer got me one a couple years ago. I haven’t gotten in the habit of wearing it, which just goes to show: I’m an idiot.
Idea 10: Gloves: Everyone’s got their preference, but for the past several years, I wear Specialized Ridge gloves on pretty much every single ride I go on, both road and mountain. For one thing, they’re comfortable. For another, they sorta-kinda work with smartphones. They don’t last forever (I generally go through a pair or two each season) but they’re good protection in case of a fall, and they keep your hands from slipping on the bar.
Idea 11: A Helmet: Helmets don’t last forever. If your rider has been using the same helmet for more than three or four years, maybe it’s time to swap out to a new one, even if they haven’t wrecked. I recommend buying this gift in the form of a gift certificate to your local bike shop, because getting the fit right is absolutely essential and can be done only in person. For what it’s worth, the two helmets I switch between are the Specialized S-Works Prevail and the Giro Synthe.
Idea 12: Seat bag: There seems to be a disdain for seat bags lately. I don’t understand it. It’s so nice to know I have what I need to take care of a flat or basic mechanical attached to my bike…without having to remember to bring anything. For my money, Banjo Brothers seat bags look great, are affordable, and are incredibly durable. I have a mini seat bag on all my road bikes, and a small seat bag on all my mountain bikes.
Ideas 13-19: Movies and Books About Bikes: Lately, I’ve read/watched and enjoyed each of the following:
- Inspired to Ride - Mike Dion’s documentary about the self-supported inaugural TransAm race
- Ten Points - Bill Strickland’s intense, inspiring and beautifully-written story of childhood, fatherhood, and trying to score ten points in a local crit series.
- Pro Cycling on $10 a Day - Phil Gaimon’s telling of his journey into cycling pro-hood
- Rusch to Glory - Reba Rusch’s extraordinary story of her life (so far), from childhood to adventure racer to rock climber to pro cyclist.
- Fat Tire Flyer - A gloriously beautiful history of the early days of mountain biking.
- Becoming Frozen - Jill Homer’s latest book, a telling of her first year in Alaska.
- Road to Valor - An amazing true story of racing, the Tour de France, heroism, amazing strength, and incredible nobility.
I can’t imagine any cyclist not enjoying any or all of these.
Idea 20: A Race or Event: Got a significant other who’s a cyclist? Here’s an incredible gift to give: a race or other big event. No, not just the entry into the event. Give them the promise of time to train, and support during the event. That is a massive gift.
PS: Is this a comprehensive list? No. This is not a comprehensive list. Add your own ideas to it. Thank you.
PPS: Because I didn’t get this post finished ’til late in the day (on Thursday), I want to leave it up for a few days. Hence, the traditional Friday 100 Miles of Nowhere Race Report will go up this Monday. Thank you for your attention to this matter and stuff.
Comments (18)
12.9.2015 | 8:00 am
A Note from Fatty: I’m currently on a flight back from Orlando, where The Twins, The Hammer and I were spending a few days at Universal Studios and Sea World.
In Diagon Alley
We had an awesome time together.
After riding Riptide Whiplash
And we did exactly nothing bike-related.
FattyCast Episode 2: David McQuillen, the Evil Genius Behind Sufferfest
I kinda had a suspicion that I’d like doing this whole podcasting thing. Partially because over the years I’ve met a lot of people who have interesting bike-related stories and careers, and partially because I…well, I like talking with people. And when I manage to remember to focus on listening instead of making the conversation about myself, these chats are turning out to be really great.
In this second episode of the FattyCast (get it on iTunes, on FattyCast.com, download the MP3, get the RSS Feed, or use the embedded player below), I talk with David McQuillen, the creator of the Sufferfest videos and evil dictator of Sufferlandria.
I’m a big fan of Sufferfest videos; I love the way they combine humor, inspiring race footage, and workouts that are just this side of too hard. I can’t even count the times I’ve been close to quitting a Sufferfest session…then kept going, because I knew that I was supposed to be hurting this bad.
In this episode of the FattyCast, David and I talk about the how and why of Sufferfest, how David creates the videos, and the projects they’ve got coming up next.
And they blindside me into promising to do a couple of things I’m already regretting (but do not intend to pull out of).
You can listen to the Sufferlandria Episode of the FattyCast here:
And, just in case you missed the links earlier, you can get to the FattyCast in these ways as well:
What’s Next for the FattyCast?
I’m ridiculously happy to note that a lot of people have really enjoyed the first couple episodes of the FattyCast, and so I’m working on additional episodes, sometimes with people most cyclists have heard of, sometimes with folks very few of you would recognize, but still have really great stories to tell.
I plan to post an interview per week — generally about an hour long — for as long as I enjoy doing this, or until people stop agreeing to talk with me.
I also like the idea of doing readings from my own books, and posting them intermittently as separate episodes. Most of these readings will be of one or two chapters, so won’t take more than ten or fifteen minutes of your time.
That said, I actually tried recording me reading a chapter from one of my books…and then I deleted it, due to a couple of problems:
- I had a very difficult time handling the footnotes I riddle the book with. They break up the flow of the story, which is sometimes a huge problem for an out-loud reading.
- I sound stilted and robotic, as if I’m completely unfamiliar with the story. Which is weird (since I am the author and all), but completely true.
So I’m going to keep practicing on this, and will begin releasing them as soon as I can without absolute embarrassment.
A Note About Audio and Other Technical Stuff
I’m new to doing this, and am still learning how to edit audio. I haven’t nailed getting levels to match (sometimes I sound louder than my guest, sometimes my guest sounds louder than I do), and I’m leaving in diversions, stutters, and pauses. My reasoning for this is pretty simple: I could either wait to start doing this ’til I’m really good at it, or I can start doing it now and get better on the job.
I decided that no matter what, I’m going to mostly be a beginner at first, and figure you’ll forgive the novice nature of my editing, not to mention the raw quality of the audio.
I guess, when it comes down to it, ten years of blogging has taught me to not be afraid of the “Publish” button.
Comments (14)
12.3.2015 | 2:52 pm
A Bet-Status Update from Fatty: Almost two months ago, I promised to finish something I started. Specifically, I promised the publisher of Ride and Ride 2 that I would write a story for Ride 3.
Basically, I made a bet I would finish my story by a certain time.
And then I didn’t even get it truly started by then.
However, I did eventually finish the story, and I got a couple of writers I really respect (Bob Bringhurst and Paul Guyot) to review it and give me feedback. And they liked it. Or they were sick of me sending it to them so said they liked it, just so I’d let them be.
Either way, I lost my part of the bet and am perfectly happy to have lost it…because it still accomplished its purpose: it motivated me to do some writing outside my comfort zone. Or at least I sorta kinda stepped out of my comfort zone: in the end, I wrote about a place I know, and most of the things that happened in the story have also happened in real life.
But here’s the thing: Keith’s late in finishing up his part of the bet, too. So we both lost. Except now it’s more or less finished, and so I think we can both say we’ve won, and we each need to donate double whatever it is Keith would have paid me for the story (a number neither of us ever actually discussed but I’m going to guess it’s in the dozens of dollars) and donate it to charities.
Let’s call that a win-win-win, then.
The book will be out soon. Count on me making some noise about it when it does.
Three Podcast-Related Questions from Fatty: If you’ve been listening to the FattyCast (iTunes, RSS, Site), thanks. If you haven’t, please do. Regardless, I have a few questions:
- How often should I upload new interview podcasts? Does weekly sound about right?
- I’ve thought it might be kind of fun to read selected chapters from my “Best of” books as podcasts. You know, once a week or so ’til I’ve read all of both the books. Would that be cool? Or just weird?
- I’ve done three podcast interviews now (though I’ve only uploaded one), and they seem to last right around an hour, without my really trying to make them be that length. I don’t really want to make them a lot longer than that, but is an hour too long?
The Race Results Monologues
Scene I
[The Racer is seated at a computer, one hand on a keyboard, one hand holding a credit card.]
“I can enter up to three phone numbers to have real-time notifications sent as text messages to up to three people? Sign me up!“
Scene 2
[The Racer is wearing a cycling kit, helmet still on but unbuckled, straddling a bike. Breathing hard and sweating. A finish-line arch is in the background. Talking on a telephone.]
“Hi Mom!” (Brief pause.) “Yeah, I just finished! I did great, set a new PR!” (Longer pause.) “No, in this context ‘PR’ doesn’t stand for ‘public relations;’ it stands for ‘personal record.’ I don’t really know how public relations could possibly have anything to do with anything here.”
“Anyway, you should have gotten text messages when I started the race and a couple times along the course. Did you see them?” (Pause.) “Really, just the one from the start of the race?” (Pause.) “I’m sorry, Mom, I didn’t want you to worry. I’m fine.” (Pause.) “No, I don’t know why you didn’t get the rest.”
Scene 3
[The Racer is still wearing a race kit but is back at the computer from Scene 1. The Racer looks perplexed.]
“Well, I’m pretty sure the race results were supposed to be updated in real time, but the most current race results I’m finding on the website are from 2012.” (Pause.) “And it looks like they’re a PDF, printed from an Excel spreadsheet.” (Pause.) “And the PDF has weird page breaks that make it literally impossible to tell who got what finish time.
“Maybe someone else has found the results and has posted them on Facebook or something.”
(The Racer clicks the computer mouse, types for a moment, presses Enter, pauses, clicks again.)
[Reads aloud]
“Can anyone find race results?”
“Where are the race results?”
“Is it just me or are the race results nowhere to be found?
“You can find the race results at…and there’s a URL that goes to somewhere that I never would have thought to look.”
(Pause.)
“…And they’re the results from 2011.” (Short Pause.) “But maybe, just maybe the event uses the same timing company as they did four years ago!”
(Typing, clicking ensues for the next seven minutes, punctuated with grunted exclamations of frustration.)
“There it is!”
(The Racer scrolls mouse silently, face anticipatory at first, then increasingly confused, then — eventually — angry.)
“How come I’m not here?” (Pause.) “Maybe I’m just in the wrong category.”
(More typing and clicking.)
“There I am. I guess I’m a pro now?”
Scene 4
[The Racer is now dressed in street clothes, and is sitting at the computer.]
“Hm. Still not on the web site.”
[Lights dim as a jack-o-lantern is lowered behind the racer, then lights come back up.]
“Still not there.”
[Lights dim as the jack-o-lantern goes up and a Christmas tree simultaneously comes down.]
“Oh, there it is. Just in time to link to in my Christmas letter, I guess.”
[A clock lowers, and the hour hand spins around the dial one time.]
“And now the site’s down.”
Scene 5
[The Racer is seated on a couch, apparently watching television. New beard growth, hair loss, and faint age wrinkles shows that some time has elapsed, and that also I have just now decided that The Racer is a male. Again, The Racer is holding a phone.]
“Hi Mom.” (Pause.) “No, it’s February, of course I’m not doing a road bike race today.”
(Long pause.)
“Ah. Well, I’m glad they let you know.”
— fin —
Comments (8)
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