News Flash: OLN Fires Phil Liggett

07.6.2005 | 3:54 am

Failed to Meet Contractual Obligation to Mention Lance Armstrong Three Times Per Minute, Sources Say

 

Paris, July 5 (Fat Cyclist News Service) – Outdoor Life Network today severed its contract with Phil Liggett, a perennial favorite cycling announcer both in England and in the United States. A spokesperson for Outdoor Life Network said, "We regret having to let Phil go, but he knew the terms of our agreement when he signed on. Namely, he is required to allude to Lance Armstrong three times per minute, with at least one of those mentions being by name. Most importantly, at no point in time shall forty seconds ever elapse without a mention of Lance Armstrong."

 

"Today, sadly, Mr. Liggett broke the terms of that agreement. When David Zabriskie had his unfortunate accident today, Phil failed for 40 seconds to put it in the context of whether this would impact Lance Armstrong or whether Lance Armstrong would would have fallen, or asking what Lance Armstrong must be thinking about this accident right that moment."

 

When reached for comment, co-commentator Paul Sherwin said, "I had my ‘Lance Stopwatch’ going — it’s what we use to help remind us when it’s time to mention Lance again.” Continued Sherwin, “When Zabriskie fell, Liggett started actually talking about how disastrous it was for the rider, instead of — as is proper — talking about this would affect Lance and how he would no doubt have words of advice on the proper way to ride a bicycle for young Zabriskie. When twenty seconds elapsed, I signaled to the timer. Then thirty seconds elapsed — still no mention, so I made the sign of the Texas Longhorn, the code we use to signal that we need to immediately divert the conversation toward Armstrong. Still nothing.”

 

Visibly shaken, Sherwin finished, “After forty-five seconds, Phil managed to bring the conversation back round to Armstrong, but by then it was too late. OLN Security was knocking at the door, ready to escort Phil from the premises.”

 

Interviewed in his hotel room in Paris, Liggett looked like a man who has lost his best friend. “I’m a huge fan of Armstrong,” said Liggett. “I haven’t pretended to be impartial for years. But between Bob Roll and that marionette Al Trautwig, our Armstrong-centricism seemed pretty well covered, and I suppose I briefly let my guard down. I wonder what Lance Armstrong thinks about that?” Then, realizing the habit of mentioning Armstrong even when completely irrelevant was still with him, Liggett briefly looked melancholy — which is the British equivalent of an American having a complete nervous breakdown.

 

OLN has moved swiftly to replace Liggett, putting former color-commentator Al Trautwig in his spot. Said Trautwig regarding his promotion, “Lance Armstrong. Lance Lance Lance Armstrong. Armstrong Armstrong Lance Lance Lance Lance. Six-time Tour de France winner. Lance Armstrong Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong.”

 

“This is going to work out just fine,” said the OLN spokesperson.

 

Today’s Weight: Continues to be an unknown. I return to work tomorrow, and will start weighing myself again then. However, let the fact that I created The Fat Cyclist’s 7-Layer Dip for yesterday’s picnic (it was a big hit, as it always is) — along with the ancillary fact that I ate 3 bratwursts — help you draw your conclusions as to how much self-control I exhibited over the vacation.

 

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News Flash: OLN Fires Phil Liggett

07.5.2005 | 10:23 am

Failed to Meet Contractual Obligation to Mention Lance Armstrong Three Times Per Minute, Sources Say

Paris, July 5 (Fat Cyclist News Service) – Outdoor Life Network today severed its contract with Phil Liggett, a perennial favorite cycling announcer both in England and in the United States. A spokesperson for Outdoor Life Network said, “We regret having to let Phil go, but he knew the terms of our agreement when he signed on. Namely, he is required to allude to Lance Armstrong three times per minute, with at least one of those mentions being by name. Most importantly, at no point in time shall forty seconds ever elapse without a mention of Lance Armstrong.”

“Today, sadly, Mr. Liggett broke the terms of that agreement. When David Zabriskie had his unfortunate accident today, Phil failed for 40 seconds to put it in the context of whether this would impact Lance Armstrong or whether Lance Armstrong would would have fallen, or asking what Lance Armstrong must be thinking about this accident right that moment.”

When reached for comment, co-commentator Paul Sherwin said, “I had my ‘Lance Stopwatch’ going — it’s what we use to help remind us when it’s time to mention Lance again.” Continued Sherwin, “When Zabriskie fell, Liggett started actually talking about how disastrous it was for the rider, instead of — as is proper — talking about this would affect Lance and how he would no doubt have words of advice on the proper way to ride a bicycle for young Zabriskie. When twenty seconds elapsed, I signaled to the timer. Then thirty seconds elapsed — still no mention, so I made the sign of the Texas Longhorn, the code we use to signal that we need to immediately divert the conversation toward Armstrong. Still nothing.”

Visibly shaken, Sherwin finished, “After forty-five seconds, Phil managed to bring the conversation back round to Armstrong, but by then it was too late. OLN Security was knocking at the door, ready to escort Phil from the premises.”

Interviewed in his hotel room in Paris, Liggett looked like a man who has lost his best friend. “I’m a huge fan of Armstrong,” said Liggett. “I haven’t pretended to be impartial for years. But between Bob Roll and that marionette Al Trautwig, our Armstrong-centricism seemed pretty well covered, and I suppose I briefly let my guard down. I wonder what Lance Armstrong thinks about that?” Then, realizing the habit of mentioning Armstrong even when completely irrelevant was still with him, Liggett briefly looked melancholy — which is the British equivalent of an American having a complete nervous breakdown.

OLN has moved swiftly to replace Liggett, putting former color-commentator Al Trautwig in his spot. Said Trautwig regarding his promotion, “Lance Armstrong. Lance Lance Lance Armstrong. Armstrong Armstrong Lance Lance Lance Lance. Six-time Tour de France winner. Lance Armstrong Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong.”

“This is going to work out just fine,” said the OLN spokesperson.

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I Want a Track Bike

07.4.2005 | 5:19 am

Last Friday I took my 9-yr-old to the Marymoor Velodrome for the Friday Night Races. We hadn’t been since last season, and the weather was perfect for an evening out. Plus, the velodrome is only a few miles from where we live. Nice!
 
This was only the second time I’ve been to track races. Until you’ve been, you can understand why it’s not a massively popular sport — what’s fun to watch about guys riding bikes around in a circle? Well, I don’t know if the Marymoor Velodrome is typical, but the races we watched were anything but dull. In particular, there were a couple of formats my son and I thought were incredible.
 

Keirin

This may have been the strangest kind of racing I’ve ever seen. Five or so riders start going around the track, drafting behind a motorcycle, for crying out loud (Interesting tech tidbit: the motorcycle is equipped with a roller behind its back wheel, so the person right behind the motorcycle can bump it without immediately turfing). Over the course of five laps, the motorcycle gradually ramped up speed — to 35mph according to the announcer. Then, with 1.5 laps to go, he peels off the track, and the cyclists — now going at a full-on sprint speed — duke it out to cross the finish line first.

 

I’m sure there are some serious tactics you could learn to do this kind of race well — for one thing, you wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s right behind the motorcycle when it drops off the track, because you’re suddenly leading the group at a pace you can’t sustain and you’re fully exposed to the air. For my son and me, though, it was just a riot to watch these guys spinning such a surreal cadence. They can’t shift gears or coast, remember.

 

Madison

While I had at least heard of Keirin, I had never heard of Madison, but this is what my son and I wound up talking about all the rest of the night — and into the next day. Yeah, we watched stage 1 of the TdF together, but Madison was what we were still talking about.

  • There were eight teams, each consisting of two cyclists — so 16 cyclists out on the track, all at once. Jam-packed.
  • At any point, one member of the team was "in," the other was "out."
  • The "in" racer goes around the the track at a full-on sprint pace, while the "out" racer stays up high on the outside of the track.
  • Just as the "in" racer is about to come by the "out" racer, the "out" racer drops down into the inside of the track, crossing in front of the "in" racer, and extends his right hand.
  • The "in" racer catches the "out" racer’s hand as he shoots by, then slings the "out" racer forward, hard.
  • Now the "out" racer is the "in" racer and the "in" racer is the "out" racer, and maneuvers his way to the outside of the track.
  • Repeat for 32 laps.

 With eight teams out there, someone is swapping constantly. Total mayhem, but — and I was truly amazed by this — nobody crashed. I am absolutely certain that if I tried this kind of exchange, I would tangle handlebars with my teammate every single time.

 

By the time this race was over, I wanted to run out and ask these Cat 1 & 2 racers for their autographs. They had put on the most exhilirating race I have ever seen.

 

We’re going back this Friday.

 

I Want to Play, Too

While we were watching the Madison, my son said something like, "Wouldn’t it be cool if you were doing this race?" Well, there are a couple of reasons why I would never do a Madison:

  • I’m guessing that you’ve got to be Cat 1 or 2 to do that kind of race, and I am not likely to ever reach that kind of level.
  • I’m too timid. Ask anyone I mountain bike with. I just don’t have the guts for that kind of race.

That said, I was thinking that it would be very cool to get out and try track racing. The Marymoor Velodrome has a nice program where you take a 1-day class to learn rules and etiquette for track racing. Then you’re allowed to do Monday night races, which is where all the novices get together and try to get used to it. Then you can graduate to Wednesday night racing. I haven’t read up on it, but there’s some threshold you’ve got to cross before you’re allowed to do Friday night races, so Wednesday nights are probably all I’d ever hope for. But still.

 

And besides, I noticed in the Keirin a guy with a gut every big as mine won the first heat. Weight doesn’t matter as much on the track, you see.

 

Thanks for the Awkward Moment, Tyler

After the races, as we walked back to the car, my son and I were talking about the Tour de France. He asked, "You’ll be rooting for Tyler (Hamilton), right dad?" It was a rhetorical question, because I always root for Tyler.

 

You need to understand: I’m a fan of Tyler to the point of irrationality. He’s my hero. He never quits; I never quit. I’ve finished an endurance race with a separated shoulder, chanting "Tyler wouldn’t quit." I’ve finished another endurance race after the seat broke off my bike — riding uphill for 20 miles in a standing position – chanting "Tyler wouldn’t quit." Seriously.

 

As you’ve probably guessed, I haven’t told my kids about the Hamilton doping debacle. I have my reasons. Mainly, I’m still holding out hope that this will all turn out to be a big mistake. 

 

So instead, I told my son, "He won’t be racing this year."

 

"Why not?" he asked, taken aback.

 

"He just isn’t. Hey, want some ice cream?" 

 

Today’s Weight: Unknown. I’m not weighing myself during the vacation. I’ll deal with the nasty shock — and probability that it will cost me $50 in this week’s Fat Cyclist Sweepstakes — when vacation’s over.

 

 

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Donald Trump Buys Tour de France!

07.1.2005 | 9:43 pm

Announces Immediate Intention to Turn Venerable European Racing Institution into US-Friendly Reality Show

Paris, July 1 (Fat Cyclist News Service) – In a stunning announcement on the eve of the world’s most popular sporting event, Donald Trump has revealed that he has purchased all rights to the Tour de France.

 

With his usual flair for the dramatic, the Donald declared his immediate intention to overhaul the tradition-rich race.
 
Speaking from the Trump Building in NYC, Trump proclaimed in a media conference, "The French have had their turn. They’ve tried to make something of this race, but I just don’t think they see the possibilities. The Donald is ready to step The Tour up a notch. I  will guarantee you that by the end of Season One, this will be the number-one-rated show on television. And by "number one" I don’t just mean in little one-horse countries like Belgium. The Tour will be popular in places that matter. Namely, in America."
 
"I don’t think I’m being overdramatic when I say that this is going to be the hugest reality show in the history of television. With the exception of The Apprentice, naturally," said Trump.
 
Big Changes to a Big Race
Donald Trump may be the only man in the world capable of turning a century-old race on its head overnight. While cycling enthusiasts across Europe appeared outraged, they were unfortunately outraged in dozens of quaint-sounding languages, reducing their concerns to amusing-anecdote level. 
 
Trump, meanwhile, seems confident. "If you’re the world’s best surgeon and you come across a patient dying because the local quack has been using leeches on him, do you keep using leeches? Darn right you don’t."
 
Among the changes in the three-week race — which begins tomorrow — some of the most significant are:
  • Last Man Standing: Of course, the most important objective of the Tour de France has always been to finish with the shortest accumulated time. "That’s an incredibly pedestrian — not to mention outdated — way of doing a race, kids," says Trump. In this season’s Race, the objective will be to be the only one to finish the race." Racers will be eliminated each day using the following methods:
  • Last across the line is out: Between every 10 and 20 miles — the exact distance and location will not be made known to the riders, so they will not know where it is until they see it –  a black line will be discreetly drawn across the road. The last racer across the line is immediately ejected from the race, in a highly visual manner. The manner will vary, ranging from the rider being shot with 10 paintballs simultaneously to having a helicopter slurry bomb the racer with black paint to having several burly ment tackle the racer from the side of the road.
  • Grudge Match: Between traditional stages, any racer can challenge any other racer to a "Grudge Match" — a 5-mile bicycle course with multiple hazards (tire fires, broken glass, Michael Jackson) strewn along the way. The loser is out of the race. (To keep things fari, no racer is allowed to initiate more than three Grudge Matches, and no racer is required to accept any more than three).
  • "You’re Retired:" Borrowed from his trademark "You’re Fired" line in "The Apprentice," The Donald will tell any racer he was not impressed with for some reason or another (too much drafting, irregular sprint, tacky outfit), "You’re retired." That cyclist is out of the race. The Donald’s decision is not subject to appeal.
  • Gear Restrictions Lifted: Tour de France riders have long been hobbled by stringent gear rules — the type of bike, handlebars, clothing, helmets have all been tightly regulated. No more. "I can’t think of a more effective way to limit innovation than all these rules," says Trump. "From now on, ride what you want. Just make sure it’s human-powered, all right? Or if it’s got an engine, I’d better not be able to see it."
  • Yellow Jersey replaced with Red, White, and Blue Jersey: "Yellow is the color of cowardice," said Trump. "Let’s have the winner’s jersey use some colors that Americans can identify with." When told that the French flag uses the same colors, Trump responded, "Whatever."
  • Name Change: "The Tour de France? What kind of name is that?" asked Mr. Trump at the media conference. It’s long, it’s dry, and it has no urgency or tension. In fact, it sounds like a stroll in the park. It’s like, ‘Honey, I’m in a mood for a European jaunt. Let’s take a tour de France,’" said Trump in a derisive tone. "From now on, this is ‘The Race.’ It’s short, it’s to the point, and it’s got pop. It’s not just a race. It’s THE RACE."
  • Drug Rules Changed to Drug Guidelines: "Listen, I’m not pro-drug," said Trump, "but these racers are all adults, and I’m not going to be the one to tell them what they can and cannot eat or drink. Just stay away from the hard stuff." When asked what constitutes "hard stuff," Trump replied, "I dunno. Crack?"
  • The Randomizer Roulette: At the end of each stage, each surviving racer will spin a roulette will, which will, depending on where the wheel stops, improve his standings, give him a bottle of EPO for use in the next stage, require him to wear a 1980’s-style helmet, add 10 pounds to his bike, give him the day off, or eject him from the race entirely.
  • Downhill MTB Event: Noting that several stages in a traditional Tour de France are straight, flat, and do little to change racer standings, Trump is replacing all flat stages with downhill MTB stages. "Sure, these guys can ride fast on the road, but let’s see what happens when they’re taken out of their comfort zone," said Trump.
  • Tyler Hamilton Back in the Race. Tyler Hamilton will be allowed to race in The Race, although he will be forced to ride the entire race as a solo time trial. "Did you see that kid do that solo breakaway with a compound-fracture busted leg a couple of years ago?" asked Trump, evidently meaning Hamilton’s hairline collarbone fracture. "That took guts. Let’s see if he can do that for three weeks." Oddsmakers place Hamilton’s chances at 0.00001%, unless he wins the EPO roulette, at which point his odds go to 40%.
  • Human Interest via Heartfelt Accusations and Confessionals: Between stages, racers will be encouraged to make disparaging remarks about each other, as well as confess — weepily — their doubts about whether they will be able to even finish the race. "Who’re you going to root for, a robot or someone you’re emotionally invested in?" asked Trump. "By the time that one guy crosses the finish line, you’re going to know him like your own brother."
    • The Riders React
    Participants in "The Race" have had mixed reactions to this sudden and dramatic shift in the objective and tactics sprung on them by The Donald. Several European racers said several things very effusively, but Trump refused to have them translated. "These guys are not the stars. I’d be very  surprised if one of them won," said Trump with a wink. "Not that I’m rigging The Race. It’s strictly above-board."
     
    Approached for comment, six-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong said, "Well, this is a little unusual. But it sounds like fun. Frankly, I was starting to lose interest in the way the race use to be run, so this should make a good change."
     
    Floyd Landis, leader of team Phonak, seemed less certain. "I can’t believe they made me shave off my goatee," he said. "This makeup artist said it just ‘doesn’t work.’ I don’t get it."
    Levi Leipheimer was not available for comment; his publicist said he was being fitted with a hairpiece, to make him more appealing to the highly-sought-after pre-teen demographic.
     
    Check Your Local Listings
    "The Race" premiers tomorrow on NBC at 7:00 PM. OLN, which previously had the rights to broadcast the Tour de France in the US, will play non-stop rodeo in its place.

     

    Today’s Weight: 172.0.

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    How Good Are You at Inference? Take This Fun Quiz and Find Out!

    07.1.2005 | 12:14 am

    Here’s a fun little quiz you can take to see how good you are at inference! Read the first steps in the following story and see if you can guess what happens in the last step.
    1. The Fat Cyclist skipped both breakfast and lunch today because he had Very Important Deadlines to meet at work.
    2. When the Fat Cyclist gets stressed, he likes to graze, and usually not on healthy things.
    3. At the company where the Fat Cyclist works, there is a tradition that on the anniversary of your hire date, you are to bring in M&Ms in the equivalent number of pounds for how many years you have worked at the company.
    4. The person 3 doors down from the Fat Cyclist is celebrating her 14-Year anniversary at the company today, creating an evidently never-ending supply of easily-accessible free chocolate.
    5. ????

    Was that too easy? Here’s another:

    1. The Fat Cyclist comes from a long line of talented improvisational cooks. Ie, his mother is able to create something good to eat no matter what is in the pantry. So is his grandma. So is he.
    2. The Fat Cyclist’s 9-yr-old son seems to have inherited this knack.
    3. Seeking to develop this skill, the Fat Cyclist’s son checked a cookbook for kids out of the library yesterday.
    4. Last night, the 9-yr-old made parmesan popcorn — basically, popcorn sprinkled with butter and then shaken with parmesan cheese.
    5. The 9-yr-old does not care for the popcorn he has made and does not eat it.
    6. The Fat Cyclist likes parmesan cheese. And he likes popcorn. And he really likes butter.
    7. ????

    Gee, I wonder what my weight will be tomorrow.

     

    Today’s Weight: 172.8

     

    Bonus Weight-Obsessed-Cyclist Bloggage:  Terry Heatlie explains why weight matters so much to cyclists. I had to read this verrrrrry slowly to understand it (and had to read some parts twice), but found it really cool that someone has gone to the trouble to figure out — and more importantly, explain — what’s going on when a cyclist climbs a hill, and why weight matters so much.

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