Bike Commuting: Not for the Weak-Spirited

05.20.2005 | 5:26 pm

All across the world,¬†millions are celebrating¬†Bike-to-Work day. OK, I have no idea whether that’s really true. First, I don’t know if it’s Bike-to-Work day anywhere besides here in WA. Next, I don’t know how many people are celebrating it.

I do know, though, that I saw a bunch of people riding their bikes to work today, and that makes me glad. Though, to be honest, I have my doubts about whether at least a couple of these people will think it was worth the effort. Why?

  • I saw one guy patching himself up after a fall. I quickly administered a tourniquet to his injured leg and amputated it just below the knee, then injected 2oz of pure adrenaline directly into his heart. I have lingering doubts as to whether I could have done more to save him, and also wonder whether his scraped knee would have healed on its own.
  • I saw another guy pushing his bike up a hill, with his left crank in his hand. I could see he was discouraged, and thought I would cheer him up with some situational humor: "That’s not the way you ride a bike, stupid!" I yelled, and then sprinted by. I’m confident he felt better.

Even people who made the commute without trouble may have noticed that getting to work on a bike takes a little more thought than getting to work in a car. To assist those who are less obsessive/compulsive about this kind of thing than I, I am pleased to present:

The Fat Cyclist’s Tips for Bike Commuting

  • Prepare early: Get everything you will need to bike to work packed and ready to go the night before
  • Ritual is your friend: Get a system in place, and then stick to it. That way you are less likely to have to go on a last-minute hunt for anything in the morning.
  • Use a checklist: Avoid the discomfort of spending a day without socks and/or underwear by making a checklist you keep by where you pack your stuff. Or maybe by revealing that I do this, I have revealed exactly the extent to which my memory is failing me.
  • Leave shoes at work: If you leave a pair of shoes or two either in your locker (if your workplace has them) or under your desk, you don’t have to pack shoes with you to work and back every day.
  • Keep a rain jacket at work: At least here in the NW, any day can wind up being a rain day. I keep a lightweight rain jacket in my office.
  • Be smug and annoying about your superiority: As a bike commuter, you accrue the following benefits:
  • You accomplish your workout and commute at the same time
  • You do not contribute to traffic congestion
  • You do not pollute the air
  • You do not waste gasoline
  • You save money by not wasting gasoline (I save about $25/wk)
  • You very likely get to work nearly as quickly as those who drive.

What’s great is that people who don’t bike commute love to hear bike commuters talk about how great it is to bike commute and why it’s so beneficial, and why anyone who does not bike commute is a Bad Person. People never get tired of hearing this. Talk about it often and effusively. Wave your arms in the air and bug your eyes out to get your point across. Foam at the mouth, if at all possible.

Next up: The Fat Cyclist Goes to Ft. Lauderdale and Stays in a Hotel/Convention Center for 48 Straight Hours. Yaaaaaayyyy. Place Your Bets as to How Much Weight I Will Gain.

Today’s Weight: 180.4. I am so close to dropping into the 170s, but I’m sure the biz trip will put the kibosh on that. Pffff.



  1. Comment by Jodi | 05.20.2005 | 8:52 pm

    I thought perhaps I was commenting TOO much, and almost came to the conclusion that not everything is about ME, but thanks to you…I now realize this blog IS about me. My comments about/to you. Goooooooood. Anyway, glad to hear I’m not the only one in the family who has abused drugs. Cool. Also, I like to get really bad hair-metal songs stuck in my head while excercising. A tried + true: Kickstart My Heart (Motley Crue). Don’t knock it suckah! Aight….good luck at the conference.

  2. Comment by kris | 05.21.2005 | 2:49 pm

    Who says not wearing underwear is uncomfortable? If you’re a fat cyclist like you and I, all you need to overcome is the rubbing together of your inner thighs to enjoy sweet freedom all day long.

  3. Comment by Unknown | 06.15.2005 | 2:26 pm

    Hey – some of us are at work here! Laughing until we cry just isn’t good for the professional image.;)Peace.


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