I Confess

08.22.2005 | 6:40 pm

I, the Fat Cyclist, confess the following:

  • I confess I very nearly did not ride my bike in to work today. It was cold and grey outside, and my resolve wavered. I stalled and puttered around for ten or fifteen minutes, digging around in my head for a really good excuse for why I should drive in today. I couldn’t find one. Once I got biking I warmed up and was happy I did bike in. I’m surprised at how often that happens, really: If I just ignore the "I don’t feel like it" impulse and get on my bike, within a mile or two I do feel like it.
  • I confess I sometimes flex my legs in front of the mirror, trying to find ways I can simultaneously show off my quads and calves. So far, I cannot find a way.
  • I confess that when walking in public, I sometimes consciously push off with my toes to show off the definition of my calves. As I type this, I realize how vain it sounds. I am a peacock. A chubby peacock. Besides, it probably makes me look like I’m prancing. I’m a prancing chubby peacock.
  • I confess to being bothered when Dug posted a comment saying he wasn’t coming back to the blog. Dug is part of the composite reader I have in my head when I write entries for this blog. Further, I confess to being relieved when, five minutes later, Dug came back to the blog. Welcome back, Dug. Churl.
  • I confess I wear bib shorts when biking not because they are more comfortable, but because they hold my belly in. The fact that they’re more comfortable is a nice side benefit, though.
  • I confess to sitting in front of the computer for most of last Saturday watching my statistics, transfixed by the unbelievable number of visitors to my blog. I know most of them came out of the same curiousity that brings them to a freak show, but still.
  • I confess to reading every news item that comes my way about pharmaceuticals being developed that will someday give me effortless thinness. If I could be thin without dieting, I would. I would eat burritos every day, and a big bowl of cereal while watching the news every night. Mmmmm, carne asada. Mmmmmm, Golden Grahams.
  • I confess that I am prone to exaggeration. There is no single entry in this blog that is entirely honest. Not even this one.
  • I confess I deleted one of the confessions I wrote in this list. So you can’t say, "The Fat Cyclist has no shame." I’ve got some shame.

Today’s Weight: 167.2 lbs


  1. Comment by Jeff | 08.22.2005 | 7:28 pm

    You didn’t confess to wearing your bib shorts as a "control undergarment," though, which I think we’re all ready for you to admit and move on from. It’s a nasty habit, and, honestly, your desk job doesn’t necessitate a chamois.

  2. Comment by Jamie | 08.22.2005 | 7:40 pm

    How can you be the Fat Cyclist when you only weigh approx. 165 lbs.? Are you four feet tall? Talk to me when you’re up in the 190-200 range.Nonetheless I have been enjoying your blog and the Cycling News stuff. Congrats on a great finishing time at Leadville.

  3. Comment by Unknown | 08.22.2005 | 7:55 pm

    I love your blog, and I linked it on mine, tell me if that’s not OK. I also commute, I’m also your height, but my good weight is still around 30 pounds heavier than you at 190. (I bench 280, so I’m stuck with mesomorph genes). I’m fighting the weight thing, and need to lose a bunch, because I’m on the high side of 220 right now.I can’t commute my 20 miles in winter, here in Bigfork, MT. So I teach a spinning class, and backcountry ski. I’m really worried about my weight, because skinning up the mountains is the equivalent of climbing on the bike, even worse. And it’s embarrassing to be off the back for 8 hours!Anyway your writing rocks! thanks for the entertainment, and here’s hoping I win this week! sorry bud…

  4. Comment by Nichole | 08.22.2005 | 7:59 pm

    you’re warming my heart and cracking me up at the same time! great blog!

  5. Comment by Daniel | 08.22.2005 | 10:11 pm

    I did exactly the same thing this morning. Looked at the car, looked at the grey clouds, went all wimpy and dithered for about 10 minutes, then rode in anyway and felt so much better about it after the first kilometer or so.Of course, I got too enthusiastic turning through a wet, greasy intersection later on and kissed the road in spectacular fashion.1. I will never again consider switching from my full-finger MTB glubs to cut-off-finger roadie glubs. My fingertips were *well* grated up before I stopped sliding.2. Perhaps the Gods of Bicycling were trying to tell me something, earlier. Or maybe it was a broadcast. *You’ll* probably crash on the way home tonight, now…Love the blog, btw. :-)

  6. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 08.22.2005 | 10:53 pm

    After turfing it at 30mph once, i vowed to wear full-fingered gloves while biking from that point forward, road or mountain. it gives you get an interesting tan line.

  7. Comment by Kelly | 08.23.2005 | 12:03 am

    A prancing, chubby peacock, eh? Now, I would like to see that. =) Good luck with the weight loss…I say this as I eat a donut. I’m weak.Kelly

  8. Comment by Kurt and Mary | 08.23.2005 | 12:54 am

    I’m fat too, how far do I have to ride my bike each day to lose weight like you did? I like the before and after picture, help!

  9. Comment by Katherine | 08.23.2005 | 3:34 am

    Your "I’m a prancing chubby peacock" sentence made me laugh out loud! I quoted you on my space in my new "Quote of the Day" list. I just added it last week, so you have a place of distinction–you’re the fourth quote I’ve used, behind a comment about doors, another about writing, and one more about the moon. But a prancing chubby peacock has got to be the funniest mental image of the month! Thanks for the laugh. Carry on! :) k

  10. Comment by Unknown | 08.23.2005 | 3:55 am

    that’s it, now i’m really gone. er, wait.the only reason i’m here is i’m stuck in boston all week and can’t ride my bike. when i get back, i’m really not coming back, unless your page count gets back under 100, back when you weren’t so funny, and you were one of us, not a fat cyclist dr phil. stop giving advice. wait, was that advice? no, it was more imperative than that.

  11. Comment by Tom | 08.23.2005 | 3:05 pm

    i love fat people, want a bike race? tom x x x

  12. Comment by James | 08.23.2005 | 5:09 pm

    @Dug- Unless you broke a leg, you have no excuse for not riding in Boston. Unless you didn’t bring your bike, which would be a dumb move. Seeing as I’m "stuck in Boston" too (I live there, or close enough) drop me a line and I’ll hook you up with some routes.

  13. Comment by Unknown | 08.23.2005 | 5:19 pm

    i felt i should add a comment over here too since i found <a href=’http://spaces.msn.com/members/errorism’>errorism</a> through fc.ok actually i’m hoping to win the $50 bucksi’ve added your blog to my daily cycling reading (after paceline.com and before dailypeloton.com) keep up the good work.

  14. Comment by kris | 08.23.2005 | 5:57 pm

    I have nothing witty to say, but I do want to prove I can use this comment section for something other than a War and Peace-esque blog of my own.

  15. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 08.23.2005 | 6:46 pm

    kj – said war and peace blog entry was interesting and entertaining. i hereby give you blanket permission to hijack my blog whenever the mood suits you.

  16. Comment by Unknown | 08.23.2005 | 7:02 pm

    Hey, kiddo, I made a comment in YOUR blog as well, but in the midst of the bazillion celebrity hits, it was but a fly speck.. or is that one word, "flyspeck"? I’m still enjoying your blog as well. I am, in fact, absolutely flattered to have had a visit and a comment from you, considering the sheer volume of comments you must have had on your own blog.I’m a fat cyclist too, but fat from steroids (prednisone for lung damage from lung cancer and COPD). SOME is from steroids, but some is from not having anough air to move around as I would like. I’m 5′3" and weigh nearly as much as you do, most of it dangling dangerously from my front in the form of obscene boobs and a spectacular apron of steroid belly fat (now doesn’t THAT paint a lovely picture?) So I’m riding stationary bike an hour a day. Shorts, bib or otherwise, would be a travesty, even in my own home. The thought gives me the heebie jeebies.All kidding aside, I really admire what you are doing and your dedication to it, plus your cleverness in making a great blog and becoming a celebrity (with the help of one of your talented sisters) so that there is no way you can backslide.Oh… and I visited the website of your artist sister, for which I thank you. Her work is so wonderful that I just cried tears of joy for the privilege and tears of frustration because I am not and never will be even one-tenth as talented as she. I have not seen any recent artist with that kind of greatness in living memory, and believe me, I see a lot of art. Now I wish I could see the work of your photographer sister. Your USAF Captain sister is in my prayers. I’m anti-war, but not anti- our loved ones who are serving. I pray for, and am prayed for in return by, a bunch of oorah Army grunts on the ground in Iraq. If there must be wars, I think we senior citizens should go and not our beautiful young people.Your artist sister said she is lapsed Mormon, and so am I, and because of polygamous ancestors and Utah and all that, I suspect we are all distant cousins. I admire your banter with your sisters. My Big Brudda, a quirky, funny clever guy like you, was always my dearest friend and I lost him last year. It leaves a big hole.Thanks for visiting my blog and for your kind comments on my art. Compared to your sister, however, I am a dabbler, a fake, an amateur.(SIGH!)Anyway, keep on trucking… you keep me inspired to do the same.

  17. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 08.23.2005 | 7:10 pm

    musemonkey – actually yours is one of the comments i did reply to during the 1-day snowstorm of pageviews. i’ve been on prednisone, too: http://spaces.msn.com/members/fatcyclist/Blog/cns!1pUmGvi9idWgOodsIbhHUOQA!203.entry. nowhere near as serious as lung cancer — really glad to hear you’re recovering from that, btw — but i can at least empathize w/ how it balloons you out.i’ll be sure to keep checking your blog out.

  18. Comment by Unknown | 08.23.2005 | 8:21 pm

    Just reading through some of the "best of" blogs and found yours. I must say you are hilarious! But no where near being a "fat cyclist" sorry.Have a great day!By the way, your legs look good shaved, very muscular, not many men can say that!

  19. Comment by STEVE | 08.24.2005 | 12:34 pm

    Biking is also what I have decided to do in an attempt to lose weight. I am 5′6 and my weight was 189 lbs. Last week my weight was 185 lbs. I’ve been biking every morning @ 5am for about 45 minutes/11 miles. Also biking after work about 3 times a week. This seems like alot of work but it’s they only way I can seem to drop weight. I also weight train 3 or 4 times a week and have competed in a couple of bodybuilding contests placing 2nd in one. I’m hoping to get my weight down to around 175 lbs. before winter sets in. my bike: Schwinn Mesa GSX mountain bike

  20. Comment by Terri | 08.24.2005 | 1:30 pm

    This is my first time reading you..you are hilarious..but the above comment is true..you aren’t fat at 160…fluffy maybe but not fat..i’m 250 (down from 258 3 weeks ago!yay me!) and the special order seat on my bike says CHEEKS…your column about confessions had me laughing out loud..keep up the fight..you are motivation with a smile!

  21. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 08.24.2005 | 2:19 pm

    memugsy – calling my blog ‘fat cyclist’ was sort of like getting a tattoo — once you’ve got it, you keep it. when i started it, i was 190lbs. the name has stuck, even though the purpose of the blog — to hold my feet to the fire in my quest to lose weight — has been at least sorta/kinda successful. thanks for the kind words, and good luck on your own weight loss efforts!

  22. Comment by MC | 08.25.2005 | 1:10 am

    Hey,I love reading your blog…I’m getting into cycling and I was wondering how many miles approx. you ride per week. Keep up the humor!


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