Friends, Family, Sheryl Crow Heave Collective Sigh of Relief
Austin, TX, (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Less than six weeks after winning what was presumably the final race of his career, Lance Armstrong today announced in a hastily-called media conference that he is coming out of retirement.
Said the rumpled, unshaven seven-time Tour de France champion, "Uh, I guess I’ll be racing the Tour de France next year." Then, after pausing for a few seconds while exchanging glances with Sheryl Crow, Armstrong continued, "I’ll also be racing the Giro d’Italia." Another five silent seconds elapsed, after which Armstrong finished, "And the Vuelta Espana."
Armstrong concluded the media conference abruptly by saying, "No questions. I have to go ride my bike now."
Crow Gives the Go-Ahead
Rock star Sheryl Crow, fiance to Armstrong, explained his decision. "He’s racing again because I was going to completely lose my mind if he didn’t get out of the house and do something. I swear, if he isn’t at Home Depot buying new power tools or downstairs playing Halo — I haven’t yet told him Halo 2 has come out — he’s catching up on seven years’ worth of television. Yesterday, he watched the entire second season of 24. You know how long that took? All day and night."
Crow took a deep breath and continued, "Back when he was preparing for the Tour, Lance and I used to talk about how great it would be when he was retired and he’d have time to do nothing but relax. I had no idea he meant that so literally."
At this moment, Crow stopped and took three deep breaths before continuing, "So, yeah, he’s going to start racing again."
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