10.26.2005 | 11:42 pm

My bike ride home last night was not my most favoritest ride ever. For one thing, I didn’t get away from work until it was completely dark. For another thing, it was raining. For another thing, there was a stiff, gusty wind.

I want to point out, though, that these things did not deter me. They did not frighten me. After all, I am a manly man, confident in my ability to ride a bike in whatever nature chooses to dish out.

And for a while, the ride was fun. I had a good rain jacket on, the wool socks kept my feet from getting too cold, and I had plenty of battery power for the ride home, even though this marked the first commute of the year where I had to have the lights on in both directions.

And then I hit the leaves.


No, We Are Not Having Fun Yet.

The wind had pretty much denuded the trees along E. Lake Sammamish Pkwy, and that is a road with a lot of trees. Cars had then effectively moved the leaves and pine needles onto the shoulders of the road, making an ultra-slick, six-inch-deep, five-mile-long, pile of wet leaves and pine needles.

I have a convenient and rather clever way of telling when I’m not having fun. When I start thinking about how I’m about to die and that the timing of my death is really poor because I’ve got cute kids and a good wife and a new job I actually like and — yes, I can admit it — a blog that is about as rewarding to write as anything I’ve ever written, well, that’s a pretty good indicator that I’m not having very much fun.

Riding through this was not fun.

The gusting crosswind coming off the lake that wanted to knock me into the car lane was also contributing to the not-fun-ness of yesterday’s ride home.

I decided that bikes are stupid and that I was going to drive to work the next day, if I happened to survive.



So this morning, I drove to work. As soon as I got onto the first arterial road, though, I could tell it was a mistake. The rain had eased to a drizzle. The leaves had mysteriously vanished from the road’s shoulder. And traffic was backed up for the entirety of the five mile stretch of E. Lake Sammamish Pkwy. I idled along, listening to NPR Morning Edition (note to Miers, Rove, Frist, Libby, Miller, and Delay: please try to speed things up; I’m losing interest here), never going faster than parking lot speeds.

Within the first mile, two bikes cruised by me, the riders talking with each other and enjoying the ride. I’ve never been so envious in my life. What was I doing in a car?

Another cyclist passed me. I checked out his bike. Junk. Then I realize: I’m a bike snob in a car, judging a bike on the road. I beat my head against the steering wheel to underscore my frustration.

Outside today, the just-rained smell is combined with the clean evergreen smell that comes with the good airing out of the entire state of Washington we had last night. It smells, in short, like heaven. If I had been on my bike, I would have enjoyed that smell the whole way to work today.

But I drove. And in a couple hours, I’ll drive home…nice and slow, I’m sure.

Not tomorrow, though. Tomorrow, I ride. No matter what.


Insult Fatty, Get Free Stuff

Here’s how you can win a cool Banjo Brothers seat bag in the inaugural "Free Stuff Wednesday" (which is today, just in case you can’t tell). Post a comment telling me what a dork I am for not biking to work today. I will, completely subjectively, pick my favorite comment and send that person a cool bag. Entries will be judged on whether I like them or not. Entries that use anything like foul language or vulgar implications will not only not win, but will be deleted without comment or explanation. In other words, show me how smart and mean you can be, not that you know a bunch of bad words. I’ll pick the winner tomorrow about this time and will announce the winner in my blog.

C’mon, show me what you got. And then go visit Banjo Brothers. They’ve got seriously cool gear to help you carry stuff on your bike — which means you can ride your car less. Which means you can envy other cyclists less, and be envied by car drivers more.

There, I brought it around full circle.


Today’s weight: I forgot to check. It’s been a day of massive discombobulation.


  1. Comment by Savvas | 10.27.2005 | 12:07 am

    Last night when I was returning from work the weather was awful and the roads were scary-slippery fro all the fallen leaves. Although I started to realize that winter is coming it didn’t stop me of jumping on my bike and doing my usual 25 minutes workout/commute to work. And the weather compensated me: The rain had eased to a drizzle, the leaves had mysteriously vanished from the road’s shoulder and a little breeze was making my workout a little more interesting. The just-rained smell was combined with the clean evergreen smell that comes with the good airing out of the entire state of Washington we had last night. It smells, in short, like heaven. Oh, I was glad I was on my bike and I was enjoying that smell the whole way to work. When I got on the E. Lake Sammamish Pkwy, I thanked god that I didn’t chicken out and use my car. There where huge traffic lines and the cars where on a standstill. I was passing through the traffic and I was leaving the cars behind like Lance his opponents on the first climb of the Tour. I could see some of the drivers looking me with envy. One of them seemed very frustrated and as soon as I passed him he started honking like crazy. I turned around and saw him banging his head on his steering wheel. What a dork. How can anyone even think of spending his morning in a car moving slower than parking lot speeds… If you are reading this, next time… GET A BIKE!!!

  2. Comment by Robert | 10.27.2005 | 12:28 am

    You are so dork.

  3. Comment by tayfuryagci | 10.27.2005 | 12:40 am

    hey fat-dude you’re a wimp and a cry-baby you’re not just a disgrace for thw whloe cyclists race but an infinite source of shame and misery for anyone who loves you. the day you were born must be a national mourning day for you’re a cry-baby who did not ride his bicycle out of an irrational fear of leaves and something made of very fast air: wind! oooh just the tought of it makes my knees feel weak man. next time you’re riding your bike keep in mind: there may be cars on the road! AAAH so scary! just dump your bike in a ditch and forget about cycling for he who abandons his bike for even just one day shall be banished from the lord’s kingdom. and you’re a dork.

  4. Comment by Angel | 10.27.2005 | 12:42 am

    You missed smelling heaven and for what?!? Because you didn’t have "fun" (insert whine here) on yesterday’s ride home. That’s the spirit! Now see what you get? An intensely mundane drive home in a suffocating metal box, experiencing crippling bike envy every time you pass one of those lucky souls who perservered through the "not so fun" ride (there’s that whine again; you can just HEAR it, can’t you??) and are now reaping the benefits….

  5. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 12:43 am

    Well, well, well, Mr. Fat[ty], no bike today eh? Good for you, your spending money on gas, driving the economy forward (no pun intended). So how many Big Mac’s did you buy today? If your are going to take the weight of the United States on your stomach and inch forward, I’m proud! You passed on a perfect riding morning (oh and I mean PERFECT) to go and listen to NPR and sip your McDonalds coffee, that hopefully you didn’t spill on yourself and then sue, to burn fossil fuels and thus percolate the economy. This is to you Mr. Patriot, you whom decided that being a typical American was more important than breaking the majority (and not the one you inched around in your car, assuming that you went around a curve), (I really like those two puns by the way even though they are slight "stretches"). I for one stand up and say THANK YOU (dork)! As a footnote I only like pulling at American stereotypes, the true patriots are overseas and I cannot express how much I appreciate them. College students seem to have similar ideas of the US though right? In another serious footnote congratulation on all the weight-loss and keep it up. Oh and read Puck’s final speech from "A MidsummerNight’s Dream" directly after the first paragraph.

  6. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 1:03 am

    Son, we live in a world that has bikes, and those bikes have to be ridden by men in tights, sometimes in the rain. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Whiner? I have more responsibility here than you could possibly fathom. You weep for recumbent riders, and you curse the people who rode today. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the rainstorm, while tragic, probably saved us from going along, thinking you weren’t a dork. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, involves riding in the rain without bitching, it is hard as a bag of hammers, and moreover, it is not dorky compared to yours even if I do ride in the rain in white socks. I know deep down in places you dont talk about at parties, you don’t want me on that bike in the rain, you need me on that bike in the rain. We use words like honor, code, loyalty, and "is that the compact Campy crankset? Cool." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something related to bicycles, what it is, I don’t rightly know. But you use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and drives and regrets, probably sitting under a lap blanket his wife provides, then questions the manner in which she provides it. I prefer you said thank you to real, non-dorky bicyclists who ride in the rain, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you get on your bike, and stand to climb. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to! You want answers? You want the truth? Yeeew can’t handle the truth…

  7. Comment by k | 10.27.2005 | 1:20 am

    I’m thinking that you didn’t ride to work today because you were intimidated by all the fallen leaves and pine needles that had accumulated by the side of the road. After riding home last night, the thought of how you were going to fall, crash and die as a result of the these leafy critters was too much for you to bear. After a restless sleep in which you had many dreams about falling to your untimely death, it was too much to bear. You drove your car to work today after kissing the wife and kids goodbye. It made you feel better, and you secretly hoped that the wind would wisk all the tree garbage away, although you hated yourself for not riding and giving in to your lesser side. Besides, driving the car home instead of riding saved you a little time – time enough to rake the leaves in the yard.Nik

  8. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 1:21 am

    So that’s the car you drive, eh?Jeez, you know, I hate to say this, but, your car is …junk.

  9. Comment by Sue | 10.27.2005 | 1:32 am

    I wonder when you perfected the "Fat Cyclist Wail?" When Errorista was Muy Tai’ing your tail, or after you beat your head on the steering wheel (OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!)?

  10. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 1:44 am

    Hallo Vettig, haha das Fatty American! Da you fatty American, uw moeder says "no no you musnt!" haha… Hey, lemme tella you somesing, das fatty in uw big Sporta Utilize Vehicle! You come here, I show you how it is to ride! Haha, ook scared to ride in 15 cm of leaf! Das un woman for you, haha! You know what I say to all American bicycle, das JUNK! Haha!! Ahh de babi…little rose cheeks no like da water?! Sven Nys 2005! Dah!

  11. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 1:46 am

    Hey Fatty,You didn’t ride. You realized you should’ve. You learned the hard way. You will next time.

  12. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 2:03 am

    Dear Fat Driver,So you diss recumbents, then hop in a motorized recumbent (aka car) at the first sign of ‘bicycle-breaking’ leaves. Does your car have a little orange flag? Heated seats and a sweet radio? Maybe you should put a radio on your bike, would you ride it then? Turn your road bars upside down while you’re at it.You are clearly a philistine, and I will now avoid eye contact with you at all costs and cross to the other side of the street.

  13. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 2:05 am

    Dear Fatty:I read your blog every day (with eagerness and fervor I am embarrassed to admit) because I regard you as one of the cycling faithful(At least I did, until your whinny diatribe about having to {sniff, sniff, fetch a skirt and pair of panties} ride across some slippery leaves) one of the cycling blessed: You live in a place where the calendar does not seem to be much of a barrier. I myself live in Wisconsin. I don’t have the luxury of riding to work for a variety of reasons, but the fact that a glacier is currently bearing down on us from Minnesota has a lot to do with it.I’d like to win your weekly freebie, but more importantly, I’d like to shame you back into riding every day. And here’s why: Absent the pleasure of riding, I’ve had to take up running. On a treadmill. If I keep this up, in six months I’ll be cranking off marathons and looking down on you as a pathetic little cycling weenie who hasn’t got the nerve to take up a real endurance sport.If you can’t win me back, nobody can.

  14. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 2:13 am

    You should be kicked out of the He-man Woman Hater’s Club for life.Spanky

  15. Comment by k | 10.27.2005 | 2:54 am

    Dude. You have the ability–the proximity, the gear, the health, and the onsite showers (please please please say that there are onsite showers!)–to ride to work and you didn’t? That’s just lame.

  16. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 3:06 am

    One of the subtitles from today’s blog sounds remarkably close to something you said on a Kokopelli adventure (the one where it rained all night the night before and we decided to give it a go anyway, which was a really stupid idea) a few years back. You were the proud owner of those lovely low-clearance Avid Arch Deluxe V-brakes, which on that day you discovered, were less-than ideal for muddy conditions. Every fifty feet you had to use a stick to clear the mud from said brakes over the initial 40 or so miles of the 85 that we did that day…which brings us to the point of my comment, which will not only point out that you are a dork for being in your car (everyone knows the first ride after a good rain is irreplaceable–those mornings break bright, clean, and beautiful), but that you are a smidge obtuse, too, in that you didn’t remember a lesson learned years ago, and by not doing so, missed out on one of those "best days in cycling". Dufus.Cue whiney, breaking voice near tears when Fatty says, "this isn’t very much fun".I am assuming that would be the same voice that you used as you punished yourself for your less-than enlightened move to the car from the bike on possibly the nicest day of the already all-too-short Autumn riding season (check one of your own entries from last week to really start feeling like a yutz). If you recall, that Kokopelli day ended up beautiful and bright–in fact, after rain, snow, black ice, freezing and burning up by turns, deer on the road, and tons and tons of mud, the sun came out and the day was perfect. You should have learned your lesson then, Fatty boy.

  17. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 3:10 am

    i vote for cold fury. or bob. or the owl guy.actually, consider this a vote in the "anybody but elden" category. well, anybody but elden and rocky.so rocky, you coming to fallmoab05? please?

  18. Comment by John | 10.27.2005 | 3:21 am

    I roll out of work just as it started spitting rain. While riding through Marymoor I was getting "pushed" by hooligans that are taking use the park as a short cut. I must have climbed aboard my invisible bike because not one but, two cars pulled out in front of me on 202. You would think that an invisible bike would be much lighter. At the darkest dreariest part of the commute my HID goes out. It was really coming down at this point. I’m thankful that my blinkies are still operating. Almost home and F-350 decides it’s fun to lean on the horn and pass me at 65 mph.This morning my eleven year old son and I went for a training ride. He asked, "Dad, after such a challenging commute how can you go for a training ride this morning?" I reminded him of the legendary "Fatty". "Fatty wouldn’t let a bad commute get him down." I told him that the darkest wettest night that Seattle could dish out would not keep fatty from riding. With the name "Fatty" emblazoned on our fork we rode our tandem off into the morning twilight.I broke the news to him this evening at the dinner table. I said, "Son, today Fatty didn’t ride". "Say it aint so" is all he said before he ran up to his room in tears. He hasn’t touched his food. He asn’t come out of his room. I even offered him unlimited XBox privileges. I’m hoping that some day in the future I’ll be able to ride a bike with my son again.Thanks a lot Fatty. You’ve crushed the spirit of an aspiring cyclist. It’s OK if you want to be a looser and drive your cage to work. But, now you’re stomping all over the future of cycling. If you had just one ounce of self respect you’ll atone for you sins and put in a few extra mile tomorrow. Come to think of it you should just go ahead and sell your bike. Take that money and keep buying gas. Because, we don’t really need you and your fair weather types riding around here with us.

  19. Comment by Chris | 10.27.2005 | 3:33 am

    You sure you were riding in your car and not the "short" bus?

  20. Comment by Jim | 10.27.2005 | 4:18 am

    Dear fat cage driver – I won’t be hypocritical by saying you are banished to some remote, "stationary-bikes-only" corner of purgatory for driving to work, as I drive to work. However, I have a legitimate reason for driving to work. My reason is a huge hill known as Lynnwood Way. This in and of itself is not a justification for not riding to work, but riding over this large hill in the dark is because I don’t leave work until 9PM. I would have to outwit-outplay-outlast other cage drivers who have no qualms about driving all over the shoulder in the dark. This terrifies me, as these same drivers have few qualms about getting WAAAY too close during the daytime so night time commuting is out of the question.So I get a pass.Today I rode in 38 degree weather before I went to work with only a fleece lined short sleeve jersey, arm warmers & warm weather bibs (not lined!) This precipitated my purchasing a new wind jacket, leg warmers, better shoe covers, and coming darn close to buying those really expensive (for me anyway) lined bib shorts/knickers.So if I shouldn’t win the really cool bike bag, then I would like to receive the lined bibs instead. Consider it an early Christmas present, or… my 40th birthday is in 2 weeks.Call it a sympathy gift. ;-)Jim

  21. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 4:42 am

    dug,email me the details for friday and saturday. i do believe i can be there.

  22. Comment by AO | 10.27.2005 | 4:47 am

    Oh, Fatty, where did I go wrong with you? I always tried to raise my five daughters to be strong, and I thought I had succeeded:Kellene- takes 18 ft. falls and barely flinches. She climbs back up the cliff with her bike on her back and rides home.Lori- has the cojones to move half-way across this country to pursue her art. Stepping out of her comfort zone to confront her fears head on, like I always taught you.Errorista- deals with people I am afraid to be in the same county with, let alone the same room, and she remains strong. I won’t even mention the Muay Thai training.CJ- another warrior daughter. Stands up for her convictions even if it comes with a risk to her chosen career. Oh, she is so strong.And then there is you, my dear. Sure, I was disappointed when it became obvious you would be the ugliest of my daughters, but when I first saw you ride your little Strawberry Shortcake bike I knew you too would be another strong Nelson daughter. My co-workers would laugh at me for sticking up for my fat, boyish little girl, but I would think about all the good you were doing by inspiring other fat, boyish little girls, and fat, girlish little boys to ride.And then you began an inspirational blog and inspired many more with your writings of adventurous rides. I would tell my co-workers that you were like the US Postal Service: through wind, rain, sleet, snow, or heat of day you would ride.But now you have brought this travesty upon our family name, and I can no longer return to work with my head held high. I’m sorry, honey, but I must disown you out of loyalty to the family. I only wish I had had a son, and had the chance to mold him into a man. A man who did not fear wet leaves.Regretfully,Your Father

  23. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 5:08 am

    SHAME on you…One hard day in the saddle and loose motivation. There are many benefits of riding in the rain.- once you are wet you cant get any wetter- you only get wet on the outside- you dont need to carry an umbrella- your rolling improves (less friction on the road)- you dont need a bidon- helps clean the pads in your helmet and washes you clothes- wind drag reduces due to less friction between the air and your skin- you loved ones feel more sympathetic towards you when you get home- your immune system strengthensHow could you think that sitting in the comforts of a real seat, with a real heater with a vehicle that will get above 35, could give you the same satisfaction as riding in the rain, talking to yourself, imagining you are riding in the Tour, increasing your chances of getting punctures due to hydrostatic forces on the tires, having gutters blocked by angry drivers and getting to work liked a drowned rat.Are you a real man or a summer sissy?I thought I started connecting with you and to hear you have committed such an abominable sin, I am going to have to read yesterday’s Bike Snob Blog again to regain my faith.Dont let it happen again… you must sell your second car and put the money towards your morning donut fund… 2nd cars are evil.

  24. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.27.2005 | 5:10 am

    Scared of water. Scared of leaves. Scared of wind. Exactly how much of a sissy are you? I know why real cyclists shave their legs. And now I know why you do too. You’re a fatty, AND A GIRLY!

  25. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 5:26 am

    Did I read that correctly? You polluted the planet, wasted resources, and missed riding because of some LEAVES? I had a sinkin’ spell as soon as I saw the word "c-a-r" and then NPR kind of gave me a dizzy fit… I knew right away you were talking hog slop and no good would come of it. Anyone who is even one cut above drooling knows a bike, even a junk bike, is better than a c-a-r any day. Your cycling public is on the verge of instituting proceedings and I’m feeling kind of sullen and grumpy over the whole situation myself. Have you no decency whatever? We may line up to pummel you and I’ll be first because I’m built for it and I have the right kind of head… sort of small and mean-looking! Why, you oughta go and have your head candled! It’s a good thing you forbade strong language because I could make a mud turtle blush about now! My personal everyday speech was severely impaired by that admonition, too.Well… I’m gonna take this here coil of rope and wander off into the woods now. My hero has feet of clay (whimper…sniff). I gotta stop now because you have shattered my faith in humanity and I have some serious mooning around to do.You ain’t fit to tote guts to a bear.(sneaking in a hug),MuMo

  26. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 5:30 am

    P.S. Where is the NOW picture? Lord knows I get few enough cheap thrills these days!

  27. Comment by cybilsophia | 10.27.2005 | 6:00 am

    This is not an insult, and after cleaning up my basement the last thing I need is another bag! Just wanted to let you know that yours was the very first MSN space that I visited (months ago) and it inspired me to create my own! I even have my own ‘bike riding to lose weight’ story.Don’t let those leaves get you down!

  28. Comment by Shou Qin | 10.27.2005 | 9:39 am

    Hey Fatty,I know types like you….You really don’t feel guilty, but you know you took the easy way out with the car so you posted a blog to explain/ defend/ justify how you "really" felt…. actually the blog is a pre-emptive measure. So that when someone asks you why you bailed on the bike and decided to drive you’ll have something to say.I know types like you….So you think that you have been losing a little weight you can go easy on yourself…. you’ll drive today, miss a few rides next week and before you know it your blog will just be called "The Fat"…. or should it be "The Fat Has Been"?I know types like you…So you are decided to get easier with the drives to work… before you know it you’ll be setting up sweepstakes the reverse direction… you’ll pay when you lose weight….I know types like you….You think that just because you got sponsors, you can come up with weird stuff and everyone will respond because there’s a prize…. well.. erhm… ….pls just give me the bag!!!!!

  29. Comment by pete | 10.27.2005 | 10:14 am

    The latest in a long line of fair-weather warriors is finally unmasked. This episode will go down in the annals of infamy beside the day in 98 when Marco Pantani decided he hadn’t been "having fun" on that epic lone break through the wind and rain to Les Deux Alpes and informed his directeur sportif it would be the Fiat Punto all the way to Paris.Seriously, I have no desire to own a product endorsed by a fickle, gutless wretch such as you. What could it contain other than failure, futility and a dwindling sense of self-worth?May the fleas of ten thousand dogs infest your chamois!

  30. Comment by Andrew | 10.27.2005 | 11:30 am

    Dear Mr. Fat Person,I for one don’t blame you a bit for not riding in to work. I wouldn’t have done so either. My MS makes it hard to attach the oxygen tubing to the canister that I have to drag along behind my bike because of my bad lung disease. Spinning is tough when the left side of your body has been paralyzed with a stroke. When it get dark, my macular degeneration really makes it a chore to stay on the road. So I bike into work only three days a week. I don’t think you have anything to apologize if those nasty little leaves get in your way. And remember, I’m your friend, not like the others.

  31. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 12:00 pm

    Dear Fat Cyclist,PLEASE do us all a favor and drive to work, because there’s no sadder sight than a fat dude on a fixie.

  32. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 12:25 pm

    Dear FCWhen this blog began you were fat. Some would say obese. But more importantly, you were indefatigable. Full of piss and vinegar. Now you have become a slightly less fat faineant snob unwilling to risk scraping your knee or slipping on a wet leaf. ”Ohh, Ohh. life is hard. Waaahh!"Wrong. Life is easy, YOU suck!Maybe you should be concerned more with learning bicycle handling and less with coming up with excuses for your pitiful self. Sorry to break it to FC, but you are actually just another chaffy cager.

  33. Comment by Cathy | 10.27.2005 | 12:46 pm

    Hi Fatty,Today is the big blowout effort to get the big planes going. Can’t promise anything, but am doing my best. Please let Afghanistantastic know that I’m doing everything I can to let them "rock-n-roll!"God bless and get on your bike!A Mom in America

  34. Comment by Cathy | 10.27.2005 | 12:53 pm

    PS, Can I add you to the list of families on my site (Unsung Hero’s). It’s not about cycling and I know you get a lot of traffic here, so I thought I’d ask first.A Mom in America

  35. Comment by Nina | 10.27.2005 | 1:34 pm

    I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a! I know I totally ripped that from The Holy Grail but dude, that was one of the best insult scenes ever created.Seriously though, you were my pillar of inspiration. I was going to face my fears and bike to work on these high trafficked, almost shoulderless roads. Sure my commute is only 7 miles but I was going to face the craziest drivers ever to grace the roads and try the beat the 80% chance that I’d be hit just because if a fatty like you could do it, why can’t I? Now I feel betrayed, empty, faithless and lachrymose. That’s right I said it, lachrymose. And for what, some leaves and a little rain. Well you know what those rain drops represent, my tears for you and your selfishness. Look at all the people you let down. You should be ashamed of yourself. I can’t even look at you (assuming that I ever saw you – but if I could, I’d quickly cross my arms and turn my back).

  36. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 1:49 pm

    Fatty,You lowly sheath. I dignify your baseness by a mere response to your sorry whine. Stand, man, stand by God. Stand and walk as a man from your shame and sorrow. Feign bravery for a moment that we, your sad ensemble of fellow betrayed followers may have just one shred , one scintilla, of dignity. Get thee on your alloy steed and make us proud again. You fatty; sorry, lumpish, and melancholy. You soft and dull eyed fool. Ride, ride, RIDE!!!Apologies to the bard. Jim

  37. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 2:37 pm

    Oh Fatty, I love this blog! And to top it off, you ask us to insult you! So, on my commute home, I was in my alpha commuter mindset thinking how to let it fly because you let a few mushy leaves and a zepher off the lake make you wimp out the next day. This was going to be fun!Then everything changed.I do a ten mile commute home every work day in Central Washington, state capital for pickup trucks. Most of them give me good room when passing. I’m on a two lane road with fog line and a 4" shoulder when I hear him coming. There is oncoming traffic, so i squeeze over. Sure enough, he decides he needs to get by in his dented, blown muffler pickup.I want to communicate with this maroon with an IQ of a banana. So, I choose to use sign language because he may not understand anything else. Yes, I did use the backhand half victory sign. Guess what, it worked! I knew this because I saw the blue smoke and heard the squeeling brakes.As I approached him, I guess I could have used a better opening line after I saw his pin head size pupils, missing or broken teeth in his snarl of a mouth and the wild look on his face. "What’s your hurry" says I. In his exquisite elocution which I can not post here, he told me how I am clogging up the road blah blah blah blah… "and I’m going to door you the next time I see you!"So Fatty, I can’t berate you for your slip from grace. Not after my attempt to communicate with monkey food. I should never stooped to his level. Just as dug never waves, I should never have given one third of the scout salute. I’m such a dork!

  38. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.27.2005 | 2:38 pm

    I want my PB Oreos back! I thought you earned them but you’re just a spineless charlatan. Your seemily steadfast dedication to all things manpowered and shiny was nothing but a Seigfried and Roy quality smoke and mirrors show.Price check on check-out 12. Floaties, knee pads, elbow pads, shoulder-pads… AND A DUMMY.You can either spit it like you did yesterday or suck on it like the coward we have all witnessed you become.

  39. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.27.2005 | 2:41 pm

    When we finally meet, I was planning on buying you a coffee and spending a day riding and chatting, but the plan now is to give you a wedgy and walk away laughing. Between myself, little-d-dug, rocky and the kickboxing counsellor I think we should be able to administer a wedgy that will land you about 3 stories up.

  40. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 2:41 pm

    You are a brilliant manly man for not riding to work this morning. Wet pine needles become invisible in natural light. They’re still there. I’m typing this message with one hand. I have a broken collarbone and torn rib cartilage. I was riding my bike and slipped on wet pine needles.

  41. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.27.2005 | 2:53 pm

    I was already good at taking the fastest talkers down a notch or two. Always in fun and never if the victims seemed unstable or suicidal. That was before the deer in the headlights who calls himself ‘The Fat Cyclist’. You may have had gender re-alignment surgery and not noticed. You should go to the doctor and have yourself checked. Men who run squealing from inanimate objects like leaves, water, wind and stuffed toys (OK, I made the last one up) are not really men. If you don’t grow a backbone and some cajones in double quick time you will certainly grow a callous on your butt, a gut over your belt and a John Candy chin.

  42. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 2:54 pm

    I made an entry, not for the bag because I don’t want it, but for the satisfaction of exposing your sissy-soft underbelly. These people don’t know you…now they do.

  43. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.27.2005 | 2:55 pm

    You want more? I got more, sissy boy. I just don’t want to be the one that makes you kick the chair away while you’re testing the rope in your basement.

  44. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 2:57 pm

    Ridng through wet leaves directly adjacent to fast moving traffic is always stressfull. I’ve envisioned my own demise why doing this many times. Riding both ways in the dark can also have its evil moments.

  45. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.27.2005 | 3:06 pm

    What’s worse than getting you butt kicked by your sister in a cage fight? Getting you butt kicked in the real world by one sister and then getting your butt kicked by another sister in the intellectual world of blogging. Supposedly you are the alpha blogger in the family but we all know the real reason Afghanistantastic’s blog disappeared. It was you and your jealous, vengeful programmer buddies. She left a post and without asking she got more than double the comments posted than you have managed with this little attention seeking stunt of yours. I’m starting a posse and we’re gonna rescue CJ from your basement at high noon. Hang on CJ, we’re a-comin’. YEEEEHAAAW!

  46. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 3:06 pm

    Manly Man? You call yourself a Manly Man? Here I am reading your pedal pumping pity prose, and I wish I could give Marge Simpson a call and have her read it to me aloud so it would complete my mental image of you—the Big Manly Man—getting your patootie whipped by Mother Nature.Didn’t I read just a couple days ago you were going to shave your legs? What kind of “Manly Man” does that? Maybe you need to get on that fancy-dancy bike of yours, ride to a logging town and announce to the locals you’re going to shave your legs—you’ll find out what a Manly Man is real fast.On second thought, just stay home and eat another twelve-pack of freezer burritos. You might have to ride on a dirt road, and all those wild pine needles and leaves might trigger a PTSD episode. Mr. Manly Man won’t be able to whip out his cell phone and call for the wife and the minivan fast enough.And Death. Oh, the Drama. You must have some Girly Girl degree, like theater or (shudder) philosophy. Come clean, Fatty: You were thinking about how much harder you had to work to get home to that cake on the cupboard. Okay, there was a crosswind and cars, so maybe death was on your mind. But I’ll bet you were more accurately pondering the grave injustice of meeting your maker and having to leave behind two unopened bottles of mayo in the fridge!It’s time to hang up the spandex and put the bikes on ebay, my rotund friend. Take up something less traumatic. Join the Toastmasters, or start collecting something like Beanie Babies or ceramic pheasants. Better yet, why not take up some Manly Man musical instrument like the piccolo or the flute. You can change your name to the Flatulent Flautist.But by all means keep the blog alive. We will all want to hear about your wacky flute exploits and I can’t wait for you to share your techniques for avoiding the repetitive strain injuries that come from pushing those little silver keys up and down a quarter of an inch.I could go on, but I have to put the finishing touches on my pumpkin trebuchet. I’m off to the Super V Pumpkin Shoot Competition in a couple of weeks. Flannel, meat cooked in 50 gallon drums and weapons of squash destruction—who’s the real Manly Man, punk?PS – I was going to say ‘whiny diatribe’ in the first paragraph, but someone beat me to it.PPS – I’ll bet your sisters had to carry your books to school for you.

  47. Comment by Zed | 10.27.2005 | 4:32 pm

    Look at all of these pathetic fat dorks in their cars. Did we all have our McMuffins this morning? Was it difficult to roll all of your lardy, pudgy-chunk bodies into the drivers’ seats of your cars? Was it even more difficult to get rid of the red mark the bottom of the steering wheel leaves on your tummies? Can’t adjust it any higher, huh? Is all that horsepower really helping you crawl along behind that other fat guy’s bumper? Maybe you can skinny up if you turn up the heat on your cozy seat warmers—make a sauna out of your car or something—you might as well do something useful while you sit there chomping down your greasy fast food on your way to your sedentary desk job. What was that I just ran over? Oh, a wet leaf. How positively tragic!Best I could do on such short notice. Hope I didn’t miss the cutoff. If it helps to draw sympathy–my last seat bag got stolen while I was winning a race against a bunch of amateur car-commuting wannabe cyclists, so I could really use the thing.

  48. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 4:41 pm

    You like your Oreos? Do you? Tasty, aren’t they.Can’t have them! Not today. Because YOU WERE WEAK! THAT’S WHY! Do you think that at 50 cals a pop they just go away?Why don’t you just scrape that creamy filling out with a spackle blade and put it right on your hips.It was raining. I was scared to die. Momma, please make it stop.It’s good you still own a car, because two wheels ain’t gonna be enough to carry your big behind anywhere. But you will be allowed into the commuter lane with just the three of you; you and your left and right passengers in the behind seat.Just go. Leave. Without the cookies.

  49. Comment by Damian | 10.27.2005 | 4:48 pm

    Dear Fat Cyclist,As someone who is still fighting the battle of the bulge just wanted to let you know, that after all the "battles" you have gone thru you let some leaves take you down, great, what’s next, Will trump finally admit it is a rug?

  50. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 4:50 pm

    I drove instead of riding on Tuesday in Vancouver because I was going to give blood and one can’t (shouldn’t) ride afterwards.So on Tuesday afternoon someone didn’t notice the lane switcheroo on the Lions Gate Bridge closing it for several hours. When one of the North Shore bridges closes the only way home is by bike. I sat with bike envy for hours, and due to a fainting incident at the blood doping clinic I had to drink plenty of fluids meaning I had to pee like a race horse. I too was not having fun and I couldn’t have ridden even if someone had ridden up on my own bike and offered to swich places.Bonuses about being fat cyclist and giving blood:-You get to explain why your heart rate is 45 bpms and that you are not sick and not on drugs.-You get to communte by bike for the next few weeks and feel what its like to have a 1/2 litre of blood returned to your system (legally in the WADA sense). OK you start out slow but the effect is the same.-You get to use the blood supply (public in Canada) with no guilt when you crash in that 6" slippery pile of leaves.Next time you drive it should be because you’re going to give blood.

  51. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.27.2005 | 5:04 pm

    Oh yeah, I forgot.Who’s going to finish the other half of that sit up you started when you climbed out of bed this morning? Obviously not you. You can’t finish what you start. I hope your nurse tells you a nice bed time story after lowering you onto the pillow and tucking you in.

  52. Comment by a | 10.27.2005 | 6:07 pm

    Talk about irony: Your little blog is on Best of MSN Spaces (again) complete w/ a picture of someone who is quite obviously NOT you as HE is riding in the rain. Seriously, you should do the honorable thing and have them pull you from the Best of…http://whatsyourstory.msn.com/?src=msnhome&GT1=7170

  53. Comment by valorousflame777 | 10.27.2005 | 6:26 pm

    Fellow Fatso,Have you bought a rain suit yet? I got mine at the army navy surplus during one of those famous California downpours. Sheets and sheets of rain drench you in mere seconds…less than half a block. I once spent an afternoon shivering at my work station after one such downpour without a rain suit. That evening, I stopped at the Van Nuys army navy surplus across from the civic center where I work as a very good and cheerful little civil servant and spent about $25.00 on a cobalt blue number with a vermillion lining…it keeps me bone dry, and I sweat like the pig I am…therefore burning more blubber. When I mount the Phoenix fixed-gear fold-up bike with the black basket on the handlebars, I am a big blue dork of a whale with wailing legs, and if you listen very closely, you can hear me yelling at myself as I ride along: "Come on, you fat #$&*, MOVE this tub of bolts!" The first moment I started riding while wearing it, the Heavens opened up, and I laughed! "Go ahead and rain at will, see if I care," I yelled, and then I aimed for a big puddle and did not get soaked. What freedom. A car person on her cellphone zoomed past me, cut me off at the crosswalk to turn the corner onto Victory Boulevard (well, they always have to beat you to the crosswalk, you know, it’s in their makeup) and soaked me with the muddy riverette running down Van Nuys Boulevard…bus people standing safely on the corner groaned on my behalf, but I laughed and yelled, "Hoh-hoh-hoh, the cavalier car person cannot even hope to drench me now that I have the blue whale suit!" I saw myself in the big picture window of Dr. Asher Ram’s medical clinic, saw what an unbelievable moment of dork-o-rama I was in the middle of, and did not care how I looked. My chic young BMW SUV co-workers won’t have anything to do with me outside of the workplace, but instead of wasting my money on manicures, hair salons, gas, tune-ups, insurance, BMW payments, etc….I stash it away in my city-sponsored stock portfolio, my savings account and my vacation account, and in the spring I will have enough socked away for a trip to Bora Bora in which I fully intend to take the Phoenix fold-up bike and have the time of my life gliding around the island all by myself and loving every second of it.PS – Big Mike, I weigh 176 today, down from 178 two days ago, you were right. A big mushy kiss to you and all the manly men from a real girly girl! Life is good when it’s hard!!! Today I am walking to the supermarket to buy my favorite fruits. I am visiting my sister in Denver, and yesterday I spent the day hiking along the Platte River; today I am hiking to the nearest grocery store here in Englewood, wishing I hadn’t left the Phoenix at home!

  54. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 6:33 pm

    I suppose that while you were stuck in traffic, you did the same stuff that every other resentful car driver does to take out his/her frustrations on cyclists?When you parked along the side of the road, you threw open your door without looking.You made a blind right turn across the bike lane without looking for cyclists.You blew a stop sign because you were busy putting on lipstick in the rearview mirror.You decided to save on car washing by seeing if you could use the fleece that fool on the bike is wearing to rub down the right side of your car. You realized that cyclist coming the other direction could not have been going more than walking pace, and so you had plenty of time to turn left in front of her. Just sayin’

  55. Comment by rcousine (Ryan C) | 10.27.2005 | 6:58 pm

    Hey Fat:I understand about giving up on a wet ride. I used to do that to, when I didn’t care about the fact I was fat, slow, and a disgrace to my family going back at least three generations.But you know, sometimes it can be the little things: poor equipment, bad motivation, inept bike-handling, or weak legs. Any one of them can be overcome, but if you have all of those things working against you it can really be hard to get out of bed in the morning, and I don’t blame you for not trying.But don’t worry: I haven’t lost any respect for you, and you have plenty of room for improvement.

  56. Comment by Mad | 10.27.2005 | 7:25 pm

    What happened to Afghanastatic’s blog? Isn’t she your sister? Why is she no longer a blog of the week?

  57. Comment by Jodi | 10.27.2005 | 7:36 pm

    I vote for Nikared!! yeh….hahahah….dad is proud of all his daughters except the fat cyclist daughter. ahahahahahhahahah. Me love you sister christian. I would never ever have the guts to invite these types of comments. You are completely wacked. And I just mean that, I’m not even in the competition. Love forever,Errorista(p.s. I want my skirt back!)

  58. Comment by Juliet | 10.27.2005 | 7:57 pm

    Dear Fat Cyclist,Why are you subjecting yourself to this torture and abuse? You are not fat – you weigh the same as me – and I’m a girl!! – er – a ‘big boned’ girl.take a vacation instead – expensive but good – I know – I live there.http://www.ansechastanet.com/biking.html

  59. Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 9:23 pm

    You’ll get no stick from me today. I rode through that rain and those damn piles of leaves Wednesday (I live 60 miles south of you) and something hidden under there sliced through a new sewup. I drove today, too (and, like you, have regretted it all day).Get out on the fixie tonight and spin your lungs out. That’s my plan.Kris in Oly.

  60. Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 2:59 pm

    I know the feeling, I always get frustrated when I don’t go cycling for some reason and regret it later. I hate it.


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