When, last week, I read that Roberto Heras had been suspended for EPO use, I was not at all shocked. This is not because I suspected he was doping. Rather, it’s because at this point I am no longer shocked to find that any pro cyclist is doping. In fact, the question that popped into my mind was, “So is there even one cyclist out there that isn’t doping?” Then I thought, “What if the answer to that question were — literally — ‘yes?’” Over the weekend, I wrote a new satire piece for Cyclingnews. Here’s a sneak peek at an excerpt of this story.
Professional Cyclist Returns Clean Blood Sample!
Lombardia, Italy, November 15 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – The cycling world was rocked today when WADA chief Dick Pound, in conjunction with Lampre-Caffita Directeur Sportif Giuseppe Saronni, announced that David Loosli is — according to all currently available tests — clean.
“David Loosli is a bright beacon of hope to the world of professional cycling,” said Pound. “If it is possible for one cyclist to be clean, can the day where we see as many as five or ten clean riders be far off?”
“I am both humbled and honored,” added Mr. Saronni, “to have David Loosli on our team. We believe that he has a great future as a non-doping cyclist, and hope to help him continue to be the pre-eminent non-doper in the cycling world.”
“Or only non-doper in the cycling world,” Saronni corrected himself. “Same thing.”
Science Community Weighs In
While it is still unclear to the general public how a professional cyclist is somehow not doping, Scientists and nutritionists from around the globe have been dispatched to study Loosli. Asked what he thought of this phenomenon, Dr. Richard P. Kelly, one of the world’s foremost nutritionists, responded, “I have long believed that if one trained, ate, and rested properly, it would be — theoretically — possible to race as a professional cyclist without doping. Here, at last, we have proof.”
Other scientists, however, remain skeptical. “Of course I am gladdened that David Loosli appears to not be doping,” said American Screening Institute representative Sammakko Miyasaki. “This, however, does not constitute final proof that Loosli has definitively not been doping. We believe the safest course of action is to — for the time being — refer to Mr. Loosli as an ‘alleged non-doper,’ until we have developed additional tests over the course of the next five years, which we shall then run on his current blood, saliva, and urine samples.”
Miyasaki continued: "At that point, we believe we should be able to say, with 72% confidence, that Loosli either is or is not doping at this moment in time.”
“Also,” concluded Miyasaki, “We’re going to need a lock of his hair, a 4-inch-square sample of his skin, and one of his kidneys for our tests. Just to be safe.”
As one would expect, the tight-knit community of professional cyclists is abuzz with the news that one of their own is not doping.
“I am very, very happy for Mr. Loosli, who I have never heard of before today,” said currently-suspended four-time Vuelta winner Roberto Heras. “I wish him great success in the future as he races on the…the…excuse me, what team did you say he races on?”