Well, it’s about time I get a little respect.
I am, according to Technorati.com — a very accurate index of blogs — the #1 most authoritative blogger on bikes in the entire world.
And to think that until now, I just thought I was some dorky, middle-aged, overweight guy who wrote nonsense to himself.
Now I know better. Now I know I am Important. I capitalized and italicized "Important" on purpose, because I’m not just authoritative, I’m the most authoritative. I am, indeed, Authoritative with a capital "A."
To recap: I am Important and Authoritative.
But don’t worry. I won’t let this Importance go to my head. I still intend to communicate with the little people. In fact, to show how open and friendly I am — my Importance and Authoritativenessicity notwithstanding — I will, today, answer electronic mail from my adoring fans.
I want to be clear: while I have removed names and altered language so that I can continue to feel comfortable about my children reading this blog, these are real messages sent to me at my electronic mail address, which my publicist tells me is firstname.lastname@example.org.
Letter #1: An Important Correction
Subject: I think that your estimate of the number of cyclists in the US is wrong
Message: I was reading your article regarding the potential Lance movie. Your estimate of only 6000 cyclists in the US cannot be even close. I marshal many events in the NYC metro area. At the MS Manhattan ride we typically have more than 5000 cyclists. At "Bike NY" we typically have more than 30,000 cyclists. I know that NYC is a large city, but 6000 cyclists in entire US??? I acknowledge that if you intended to say 600,000, that would still mean that the movie was playing to a very small audience.
However, 6000 is definitely not accurate.
The Fat Cyclist Replies: You’re absolutely right, Stephen. I apologize. To refresh other readers’ memory, I said, in my Important, Authoritative article Suggestions for the Lance Armstrong Movie, "There are only about 6,000 cyclists in America, Lance. And this statistic is no less alarming even when you take into consideration that I just made it up."
What I should have said is, "There are exactly 6,418 cyclists in America, Lance…." This would have better followed the first rule of bicycling comedy: "When being ridiculously absurd, be as specific as possible."
Letter #2: A Simple Miscommunication
Editor’s note: I had to change a few words on this letter, which troubles me, since I’m afraid the letter loses a little of the "local color" feel it originally had. Changed words are indicated in purple.
Subject: Hey You big fat bussy
Message: You are a big girl. Grow a set of ANKLES. I use an old stuffed BMX to go to work. It’s about 30k and it’s all on dirt roads. It’s always hot and windy and there are millions of flies. At work I crush rock all day. All I eat is crap meat pies and drink crap beer. I ride barefoot with a torn pair of shorts. AND I’ve got a mate who runs it 30k to work every day barefoot. Don’t come to this country because we will make you wear a skirt, you big fat bussy.
—Some Aussie dude
The Fat Cyclist Replies: But you mean that in a really nice way, right, Aussie dude? Because, as you now know, I am an extremely Important, Authoritative bike blogger, and as such expect lots and lots of respect.
Beyond the friendly and supportive jests, Aussie dude, I appreciate the informative and interesting note. I have a few followup questions.
- With what is your old BMX bike stuffed? Why did you stuff it? Does the extra weight incurred by the stuffing slow it down?
- Does your mate run barefoot because he doesn’t like shoes, or because he can’t afford them? The people who read this (Important, Authoritative) blog have shown several times that they’re willing to help a fellow human in need. Let us know if we can help.
- Do you eat and drink crap-derived products because you have no choice, or because you just really like crap?
- Why do you ride dirt roads to work, Aussie dude? It seems a real Australian would avoid roads altogether, sticking to rockslides and fields of broken glass.
Gee, that’s all we have time for. Keep those letters coming! After all, while I personally am now far too Important and Authoritative to read them myself, my personal assistant tells me she really enjoys them.