Pro Cycling Teams Unveil 2006 Hair Strategy

01.23.2006 | 3:21 pm

Mallorca, January 22 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Cycling enthusiasts around the globe reacted extremely positively to the January 22 T-Mobile team presentation, wherein the 29 members of the men’s’ team and 10 members of the women’s’ team were announced.

More importantly, however, T-Mobile also took this opportunity to reveal Jan Ullrich’s new hairdo.

Image from

“This hairdo represents the significant investment we have made in Ullrich,” said team manager Mario Kummer. “These curls have been scientifically designed to be loose enough to blow elegantly in the wind as he attacks on mountain climbs, but not so loose that they unravel under the intense pressure of a grueling time trial. They are long enough to look cool, but not so long that they will poke out of his helmet and look clownish. They have been demonstrated in wind-tunnel tests to be the most aerodynamic curls known to man.”

Continued Kummer, with evident pride: “His curly, highly moussed locks clearly state, ‘I am the team captain. You must ride in support of me, and in support of my hair.’  I only wish that we had thought of this hair before last year’s Tour de France; perhaps we could have kept Vinokourov in check. You will note,” the manager pointedly concluded, that this year Andreas Kloeden does not have such a hairdo.”


Team Discovery Channel Reacts

Johan Bruyneel, directeur sportif of Team Discovery Channel, lost no time in preparing his team’s response to the new threat Ullrich poses. “Acknowledging the brilliance of Ullrich’s new haircut,” said Bruyneel from the Team Discovery Solvang camp, “I have tasked one of my most seasoned riders, Viatcheslav Ekimov, to counterattack with a new hairstyle which I myself have designed.”

Image from

“As you can see,” said Bruyneel at a hastily-arranged press conference this past week, “Eki’s hairstyle is still short up top and on the sides, so as to not interfere with his riding. In the back, however, his hair is considerably longer, and now nearly touches his shoulders. I firmly believe this haircut will effectively neutralize Ullrich.”

Others, however, are not so optimistic.

“It’s a mullet,” said Lance Armstrong, who remains actively involved with Team Discovery Channel operations. “Bruyneel has sent Eki to chase down Jan with a freakin’ mullet. No way is that going to be enough.”

“I’m just glad that I’m retired,” said a concerned-looking Armstrong, pensively running a hand through his (rather pedestrian) close-cropped hair. “I mean, I’ve always said that Ullrich was my greatest opponent. With that new hairstyle, well, I don’t know.” Armstrong paused for a moment, weighing his words. “To tell the truth, I don’t think I could compete with that.”


This article will be concluded in an upcoming issue of Cyclingnews. There you will find — among other things — the following before-and-after image of Levi Leipheimer:


Bonus: Congratulations are in Order

Congratulations to Kelly (Mocha Momma) for winning the Banjo Brothers Bike Bag Giveaway! Congratulations also to Moishe, who took an extremely close second — a difference of only one vote.

Kelly, e-mail me with your address and which you prefer: panniers, messenger bag, or duffel bag.



  1. Comment by Unknown | 01.23.2006 | 3:58 pm

    I understand that Chris Carmichael has personally looked at Ekimov’s hairstyle, and found that it is conducive to effectively managing one’s efforts in the earlier stages of a race, whilst simultaneously preparing to rock out and then celebrate at the tail end of races. Carmichael (and his crack team of 91 million elite CTS certified cycling coaches) have boiled down this scientific study into a short maxim that everyday athletes can use and understand, which he restated on his pay-per-view website as "business in the front, party in the rear." BIG Mike has confirmed to me that this is an old training method employed by successful trackies in the Southern hemisphere, as evidenced by the photos on his website. Just look at it – Mike won lots when he wore a mullet, and hasn’t won a damn thing since he cut it. Northern hemisphere trackies can use the same technique, however, they must grow their hair long in front, and keep it close cropped in the back – unless their local velodrome races in the clockwise direction, in which case a normal mullet works just fine.

  2. Comment by tayfuryagci | 01.23.2006 | 4:12 pm

    my favourite pro (Ullrich) looks like a damn surfer! ewwww.

  3. Comment by Unknown | 01.23.2006 | 4:55 pm

    Finally I get it. The backwards mullet is the answer. And I this time I thought it was simply genetics holding me back.

  4. Comment by Gabriel | 01.23.2006 | 4:56 pm

    Ekimov’s hairstyle creates much less drag, lol. Mullets may increase aerodynamics on TT stages.

  5. Comment by Zed | 01.23.2006 | 6:02 pm

    And here I thought Ullrich did it out of his intention to join Nsync after retiring from cycling …

  6. Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 01.23.2006 | 6:03 pm

    A reverse mullet, ……wouldn’t that be a safety hawk?

  7. Comment by Unknown | 01.23.2006 | 6:39 pm

    Fatty,This is funniest thing I have read in a very, very long time. Keep up the great work.

  8. Comment by Unknown | 01.23.2006 | 6:49 pm

    Just like Jan, whenever I put on a few extra pounds, I grow my hair longer to hide it.

  9. Comment by barry1021 | 01.23.2006 | 8:46 pm

    Ullrich looks like a cross betwen Donny Osmond and Michael jackson in that picture. Scary!

  10. Comment by Unknown | 01.23.2006 | 8:55 pm

    i think it moved.

  11. Comment by Unknown | 01.23.2006 | 9:59 pm

    Another excellent article. I’m glad you didn’t feel the need to put a giant disclaimer at the top of the article: "Hey, this is a frigging joke!"Botched

  12. Comment by Susan | 01.23.2006 | 10:34 pm

    I think all you boys missed one important point. Ullrich’s not only the most talented cyclist around, but he looks damn fine! Anyone man enough to admit you secretly covet those curls?

  13. Comment by Kelly | 01.23.2006 | 11:22 pm

    Hilarious entry. Will I need to change my hair to become a more serious cyclist? If so, I quit. Thanks again, Fatty. I’ve emailed ya and am on Cloud Nine. Sooooo much better than Cloud Eight. They didn’t have an executive washroom there. Also, no cookies.Kelly

  14. Comment by Nanget | 01.24.2006 | 12:16 am

    Al and BIG Mike have got something here. This could be why Dr. Lammler never won the Tour? Perhaps he could never "style it up".

  15. Comment by Bryn | 01.24.2006 | 7:06 am

    Hilarious stuff Fatty. Best post you’ve done of late, i must say. As Nanget touched on, it makes you wonder what sort of hair would Dr Lammler had, maybe he had the straight up and down mohawk for maximum streamlining. I personally think as a non Jan fan that his hair looks fine, maybe its a new haircut to show he’s a new cyclist. Levi on the other hand seems as though he looks better without any hair if your artwork is correct fatty. Eki’s hair though, well, i ain’t gonna say anything about it. Cheers Fatty, great post, very funny!

  16. Comment by Unknown | 01.24.2006 | 9:28 am

    I suspect the irony of the story led me to happily assume that the shot of Jan was a mock-up in the style of Levi Leipheimer.Imagine my alarm when I actually followed the link to Cyclingnews to discover that the photo of surfer-boy Jan was, in fact, genuine! Looking good, Jan. Looking real good!

  17. Comment by Unknown | 01.24.2006 | 11:08 am

    I suspect another drugs scandal in the wings.

  18. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 01.24.2006 | 11:14 am

    I’ve been working of completely ridding myself of the hair on the front half of my head. That gives more leverage to the "power-locks" at the back. As the wind moves around the neck and helmet and enters the vortex behind the neck, the long hair at the back assists in smoothing the airflow and maximising aerodynamic advantage. In some instances the hair can be trained to actually grab chunks of air and throw them rearwards creating a form of propulsion never experienced by the likes of Armstrong, Pantani and Leipheimer.Ekimov is now the unbackable favourite for the 2006 Tour. First, he inherits team leadership in the absence of Armstrong and now he’s cracked the Da Vinci code of the aero-coif.

  19. Comment by JPSOCAL | 01.24.2006 | 8:56 pm

    Are you sure that that isn’t a picture of Frodo Baggins’ head grafted onto Jan Ulrich’s body.

  20. Comment by Unknown | 01.25.2006 | 1:25 am

    Check out today’s update from the quote from new signing to the Wiesenhof-AKUD team, Austrian Gerard Trampusch. The hirsute and pierced Trampusch said "Hair length doesn’t play a major role in cycling performance". Fatty you owe it to the sponsors of this team to set Herr Trampusch straight. The team manager has said "we want to ride the Tour sooner or later" but with such a casual attitude from his riders towards what is a major factor in cycling performance they have no chance!

  21. Comment by Unknown | 01.26.2006 | 10:51 pm

    Leipheimer looks like he’s hooking up with a Devo reunion.


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