Mallorca, January 22 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Cycling enthusiasts around the globe reacted extremely positively to the January 22 T-Mobile team presentation, wherein the 29 members of the men’s’ team and 10 members of the women’s’ team were announced.
More importantly, however, T-Mobile also took this opportunity to reveal Jan Ullrich’s new hairdo.
Image from Cyclingnews.com
“This hairdo represents the significant investment we have made in Ullrich,” said team manager Mario Kummer. “These curls have been scientifically designed to be loose enough to blow elegantly in the wind as he attacks on mountain climbs, but not so loose that they unravel under the intense pressure of a grueling time trial. They are long enough to look cool, but not so long that they will poke out of his helmet and look clownish. They have been demonstrated in wind-tunnel tests to be the most aerodynamic curls known to man.”
Continued Kummer, with evident pride: “His curly, highly moussed locks clearly state, ‘I am the team captain. You must ride in support of me, and in support of my hair.’ I only wish that we had thought of this hair before last year’s Tour de France; perhaps we could have kept Vinokourov in check. You will note,” the manager pointedly concluded, that this year Andreas Kloeden does not have such a hairdo.”
Team Discovery Channel Reacts
Johan Bruyneel, directeur sportif of Team Discovery Channel, lost no time in preparing his team’s response to the new threat Ullrich poses. “Acknowledging the brilliance of Ullrich’s new haircut,” said Bruyneel from the Team Discovery Solvang camp, “I have tasked one of my most seasoned riders, Viatcheslav Ekimov, to counterattack with a new hairstyle which I myself have designed.”
Image from ThePaceLine.com
“As you can see,” said Bruyneel at a hastily-arranged press conference this past week, “Eki’s hairstyle is still short up top and on the sides, so as to not interfere with his riding. In the back, however, his hair is considerably longer, and now nearly touches his shoulders. I firmly believe this haircut will effectively neutralize Ullrich.”
Others, however, are not so optimistic.
“It’s a mullet,” said Lance Armstrong, who remains actively involved with Team Discovery Channel operations. “Bruyneel has sent Eki to chase down Jan with a freakin’ mullet. No way is that going to be enough.”
“I’m just glad that I’m retired,” said a concerned-looking Armstrong, pensively running a hand through his (rather pedestrian) close-cropped hair. “I mean, I’ve always said that Ullrich was my greatest opponent. With that new hairstyle, well, I don’t know.” Armstrong paused for a moment, weighing his words. “To tell the truth, I don’t think I could compete with that.”
This article will be concluded in an upcoming issue of Cyclingnews. There you will find — among other things — the following before-and-after image of Levi Leipheimer:
Bonus: Congratulations are in Order
Kelly, e-mail me with your address and which you prefer: panniers, messenger bag, or duffel bag.