AUSTIN, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) — Members of the Discovery Cycling Team claim to be saddened by the news released to People Magazine last Friday, that Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow have broken off their engagement.
Said a racer who wished to remain anonymous, “I am deeply sorry for Lance and Sheryl, and send them my best — albeit anonymous — wishes during this difficult time for them. I am also deeply sorry that this means OLN’s coverage — if it even covers the Tour de France, now that Lance is gone — will have to be about the race and riders, instead of hobnobbing on-camera with some pop star who has exactly two interesting songs in her entire catalog.”
Said Johan Bruyneel, Directeur Sportif for Team Discovery, “Lance and I are very close, and so it breaks my heart to know that he and Sheryl are no longer together. And while part of me is relieved that we won’t have the security nightmare that comes with having both a biking and a rock celebrity touring with us, not to mention the way they’re always demanding a better room, asking for organic vegetables, bringing their entourage and near-infinite quantities of luggage from city to city, and….”
Bruyneel paused to collect his thoughts, then continued. “Um, as I was saying, I’m very disappointed Sheryl won’t be along for the Tour this year.”
Armstrong’s Publicist Reacts
“Lance is very careful to separate his personal relationships from his professional life,” said Armstrong’s spokesperson. “Take, for example, his first book, It’s Not About the Bike. Why, he barely mentioned his (now former) wife in that book. And with Sheryl, he’s been very private about that relationship all along. You hardly even knew they were together. I mean, it’s not like he went on Oprah and proclaimed his love for Sheryl there or anything.”
“So,” continued the publicist, “when Lance and Sheryl ask we respect their privacy during this difficult time, it’s of course quite reasonable that you do so, since they have never, to this point, beaten you over the head relentlessly with the fact that they’re dating by appearing on TV constantly together and having photo op after photo op together and writing, producing and performing love songs about each other and doing these strange combo bike ride / soft-rock concert events that scream, ‘We’re one of the most public couples in the entire freaking universe!’”
“They have always been private people,” the publicist concluded. “Please let them continue to be private during this difficult hour.”
Jan Ullrich, whom Armstrong has consistently identified as his greatest TdF rival, also conveyed his regrets. “As a racer who has also struggled with relationship difficulties, I can understand how difficult a time this must be for Lance,” said Ullrich. “What I cannot understand is how he always manages to have his breakups in the off-season, even after he’s retired from racing. Man, that guy is truly disciplined.”
“I must ask, however,” continued Ullrich, “Why couldn’t he have had that breakup late last June?”
Every Cyclist In The Universe Comments
Cyclists throughout the world did their level best to express something besides ambivalence about Armstrong’s breakup. According to every cyclist currently living, “Armstrong’s a great racer, but he’s no longer racing. I actually don’t care even a little bit about whether he marries or not. In fact, the only way this shocking revelation could be interesting to me would be if Armstrong decided to fill the hole in his life with another TdF. You think he might do that?”
“No, that’s just silly,” the collective cycling universe said to itself. “Armstrong would never tease us in that way. He’s not the kind of guy who would say, ‘Maybe I’ll race this year, maybe I won’t.’ Or, ‘I’m retired, but maybe I’ll come out of retirement. No, no I won’t.’”
A spokesperson for Sony Pictures, which is producing the Lance Armstrong Movie, said that this turn of events does not impact the planned film at all.
“We’re going with the film just as we always have,” the studio representative said. “In fact, in some ways this event gives our next steps some clarity. We had planned to combine the Kristin years with the Sheryl years, kind of blurring the two people into one. This now makes better sense than ever.”
“The only way we’ll tweak the generic wife / girlfriend character is,” continued the spokesperson, “we no longer plan to give her a name, or any speaking lines. Considering that this film won’t be out for at least another eighteen months, I think that’s the prudent course.”
“We have yet to decide,” finished the spokesperson, “Whether to pixelate her face.”
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Today’s weight: 171.6. Hmm. That’s not the right direction. I need to step things up.