Which Superhero Would You Ride With?

09.13.2006 | 5:28 pm

This post has been moved to www.fatcyclist.com.


  1. Comment by Random Reviewer | 09.13.2006 | 5:39 pm

    i would ride with ET. he could heal me, bring me back to life, he’s funny, he would be able to make my bike fly.
    and most importantly, he would always have reeses pieces with him. i love those.

  2. Comment by Unknown | 09.13.2006 | 6:02 pm

    Dug, please try to take this seriously.  Fatty’s talking about *real* superheros, not random movie characters.
    I would ride w/ Wolverine…’cause he’s cool.

  3. Comment by Kevin | 09.13.2006 | 6:42 pm

    I agree….a cycling Superman would most likely test positive for banned substances, even if he does have a superhero exemption.

  4. Comment by mhywan | 09.13.2006 | 6:43 pm

    My first reaction was Wonder Woman.  Then on second thought the invisible bike does present challenges like wheels touching.  When I am in group rides I stare at the wheels most of the time – though butts and backs are the next most common things to stare at.
    So how about Susan (aka Invisible Girl) from the Fantastic Four?  Hey she can be invisible so it solves the jealousy problem.  And she has a force field that might save us from a car or two.
    See guys like me like riding with gals – I just don’t get a lot of oppurtunities.
    Mark W

  5. Comment by Unknown | 09.13.2006 | 7:26 pm

    Storm, from the X-men.

    permanent tailwind baby. maybe a little freezing rain for anyone else brave enough to ride
    with you.

  6. Comment by Lofgrans | 09.13.2006 | 8:11 pm

    FC- seriously so funny. Yesterday was awesome too. I laughed out loud several times.
    As far as riding with a superhero I’d have to pick He-man, cause he’s strong enough to just push me along by the back of my (bike) seat like my husband does. He’s a rolling body guard, no dog, car, or headwind could get through him.
    That being said I don’t really ride, I like to run- though I’m still slow and inconsistent about that.

  7. Comment by Unknown | 09.13.2006 | 8:17 pm

    It’d have to be Wolverine… yeah, his attitude and temper might get a little troublesome on occasion… but it’d be worth it for when he leaps off his bike to attack the unsuspecting deer standing just a little too close to the trail… and with MTB, you’d never have to worry about a downed tree getting in the way, he’d make firewood out of it in no time.

  8. Comment by Unknown | 09.13.2006 | 9:00 pm

    Now you’ve done it. I had been perfectly content to sit here quietly for over a year reading your blog and not letting on to my existence. But now with your obvious lack of research regarding the boy scoutedness of Superman I feel I have no recourse left but to respond.
    Now I feel I am obligated to post comments at regular intervals so as not to become a one hit wonder. I hope you’re happy now fatty.

  9. Comment by Dalan | 09.13.2006 | 9:00 pm

    I thought about Wolverine at first, but you know, his claws could cause a flat awfully fast if he wasn’t careful, and he sort of a brooding type, so there goes the conversation.  Then I thought Mystique might be cool.  I mean, if I wasn’t so scared of her.  She could change herself to look like any great cyclist and then I could see what it felt like to beat Lance Armstrong or any other rider in a race.  Ultimately though, I decided on Jean Grey aka Marvel Girl aka Pheonix.  Not the evil, "I will kill all my friends" version, but the nice Jean Grey version.  Telekinetic powers mean that if I was going to have a major crash, she could save me, and she is also a Doctor if I did get hurt.  And even though she is a mutant, her superpowers are mental, so I could probably keep up with her on a ride.
    H Moss

  10. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 09.13.2006 | 9:41 pm

    I would definaetly have to go with Storm. The tailwind option someon suggested would be clutch in certain situations, but I’d go for the whole controlling temperature aspect of her powers. It would be the perfect fall like temperature whenever we rode and there would be absoluetly NO trace of wind (except when I bonk and need that nice little tailwind).

  11. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.13.2006 | 10:16 pm

    sophia – i’m going to have to go with dug on this one. ET seems to have all the qualifications of a superhero. flies, special powers, amazing origination story, secret identity (ie, plush toy in girl’s closet). though i agree: wolverine is cool.
    kevin – yup, superman’s on ‘roids. only thing that can explain the bulk, really.
    mark – do you really want to go with a girl so unimaginative that she picks a boring description of what she can do as he name? "invisible girl." combined with the arrogance of "fantastic four," and you’ve got a boring snob you’re riding with, and half the time you can’t even look at her. time to reassess.
    bikemike – excellent choice.
    lofgrans – don’t you think your husband would get jealous of you riding with he-man? wait a second, scratch that. evidently, your husband doesn’t need to worry at all.
    everyone who chose wolverine – how could he possibly fit a helmet over that hair?
    jet – i’m sorry, i can only give you 50% of the brownie points i gave to bikemike, since he weighed in with storm first.

  12. Comment by nick | 09.13.2006 | 10:53 pm

    What! No takers for the Hulk. I think he would be perfect. No one would want to  break away or leave gaps or make stupid comments for fear of making him get angry and going all green and splitting his lycra shorts.

  13. Comment by Unknown | 09.13.2006 | 10:57 pm

    As much as I appreciate helmets for the use of us mortals, I don’t think Wolverine needs one.

  14. Comment by bradley | 09.13.2006 | 11:28 pm

    You know, begging the question is not asking a question that is just begging to be answered, but many people use it that way. Rather, it’s a logical fallacy where an unproven premise is presented as evidnece in support of an argument; in short, an unproven premise used as evidence to validate another unproven premise. When this is done, you are begging the reader to take your word for the validity of the evidence and the conclusion it points to. Remeber what George Orwell writes, that we should avoid writing anything we’re used to seeing in print (like notions of question begging) because it makes our brians turn off so we say nonsensical things. </diatribe>

  15. Comment by barry1021 | 09.14.2006 | 12:12 am

    Anyone remember The Flash??
    World’s fastest human. He’d be pulling you up all those hills
     Full spandex number that came out of his RING. OUT OF HIS RING!! What else could he carry in there? Three spare tubes, a full floor pump and a whole box of Shot Blocks, maybe two.
    But there is only one reason to choose the Flash…yes my identity is REVEALED. I AM THE FLASH!!

  16. Comment by Unknown | 09.14.2006 | 12:24 am

    Good job! Well written and funny. I think that WW looks a lot like my gal Sal…(and I hope you’re reading this, honey!)

  17. Comment by pete | 09.14.2006 | 1:23 am

    Sorry Barry, but I was just about to say riding with The Flash would be a nightmare. Admittedly, I didn’t know about his ring so that would be pretty handy, but the guy just goes too fast. Even if he was going easy on you, twiddling along in his easiest gear, he’d probably still be pushing about 2000rpm and keeping up with that is going to sting.Green Lantern would be another big no-no and not because of the space jail issue. If memory serves, his ring doesn’t work on anything yellow. So imagine you’d been on his training plan for a year or two, got yourself a pro contract with Stark Cycling and made it to the Tour de France. Just when you need it the most, you pull on that maillot jaune and suddenly your beautiful green light bike doesn’t work anymore. Lame.Iron Man would be cool as he’s another technical genius who could fix any problem. Although you might not want to accept a bottle from him too early in the morning.The absolute best guy to have out on a ride would have to be Magneto. You might "But he’s a supervillain." I say: superhero or supervillain, who are we puny mortals to judge these new beings in our midst? Seriously though, who would you rather have in front of you on a tough climb than The Master of Magnetism? Unless your riding a full carbon frame obviously.

  18. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.14.2006 | 1:36 am

    no name – i imagine that the hulk would win just about any sprint, but i can’t imagine him doing very well in the mountain stages.
    sophia – oh, maybe he doesn’t need one, but he’d have to wear one anyway. It’s The Law.
    bradley – i’m sorry, but i’m going to have to award you a demerit for not saying which superhero you would ride with. You can’t get credit on the test if you don’t at least try to answer the question. i’d have thought a lit/comp teacher would understand that.
    b21 – you’re the flash, eh? i have a question for you, then: do your knees hurt after a long run?
    cowboy – your superpower is clearly well-aimed flattery. thanks, and i hope your gal Sal did read that bit. just to make sure, you might want to send her an email saying, "did you read today’s Fat Cyclist? apart from woeful misuse of the term "begs the question," it was a real laff-fest! be sure to check it out, and don’t forget the always-awesome comments section! (but you don’t have to use as many exclamation points.)

  19. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.14.2006 | 1:42 am

    the cosh – looks like you posted while i was commenting. that’s good though, because it means i get to give you a dedicated comment reply.
    your reply was — and i say this with no sarcasm at all — better than my original post. it just goes to show that really knowing your superheroes really pays. to tell the truth, i hadn’t even considered the "doesn’t work on yellow" problem with the green lantern, which begs the question: didn’t that bug surface in beta testing? when’s the 2.0 version of this stupid ring going to come out? 

  20. Comment by bradley | 09.14.2006 | 1:55 am

    Okay, my superhero would be Lance Armstrong. If he doesn’t count, then, hmmm, how about, uh, Catwoman?

  21. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.14.2006 | 3:37 am

    bradley, bradley, bradley (said while shaking head sadly). Partial answer = partial credit. And it’s not like you answered the challenging part of the question, either. I’m going to give you 33%, which, as you know, is a failing grade. (and you showed such promise at the beginning of the semester!)
    it’s not too late, bradley. you can still salvage your grade and — more importantly – your standing among your peers. you just need to apply yourself. and to read more comic books.

  22. Comment by Unknown | 09.14.2006 | 4:49 am

    Okay, you’ve done it. I ‘ve lurked long enough. The combination of cycling and comic books was simply overpowering. I must post.I’m going to lamely pick two superhero riding buddies to literally create fairweather friends. I’m going with Iceman in the heat of the summer and the Human Torch in the cold and rainy months. Let there will be drafting aplenty!Picture it, a schorching summer day with 100% humidity and you’re riding behind a living, breathing block of ice. Does it get any better? How about some cold water in those bottles? Want your breakaway to succeed? No one expects ice in that curve in July.When the days turn cold and rainy, just suck up close to the Johnny Storm and alll you worries are over. (But don’t get too close or you’ll melt your front tire. Tragic!) No need for tights or long sleeve jersey, you can sport that sexy cycling tan year round! And what? You say the sun goes down early in the winter months? Peshaw! My way is guided by the man of flame!Just a thought,Kevin F.

  23. Comment by Zed | 09.14.2006 | 4:56 am

    Any of you guys ever read Groo the Wanderer? Provided he learned how to ride a bike and didn’t get his katana sword stuck in the spokes, he’d keep you entertained. Of course, that’s if he didn’t get mad and kill you first. Oh, and he might have a tendency for causing accidents and putting people in the hospital.
    Aw heck, that’s way too much to ask, even of a superhero.

  24. Comment by nick | 09.14.2006 | 4:59 am

    Nick (no name) replies….
    Yes, Fc, the Hulk would certainly win every sprint much to the chagrin of Robbie, but your summation about his climbing ability was not thought through. Imagine, the road slopes up, skinny latin type climbers start to dissapear up the road, Hulk gets angry, goes green, loses shorts, jersy and may i say, his dignity. Smashes gruppetto to bits, bounds up road, catches skinny climbers, smashes them against Tommy Simpsons’ memorial, you can picture this no doubt….. you ride through the sharp carbon bits and unmentionable body parts, and win stage! I need a good cup of tea and a lie down I think.

  25. Comment by Born4Lycra | 09.14.2006 | 6:15 am

    I can’t believe everyone missed this and I know I’m going to hell for this one but my superhero is you FC! Do I win a bike or just everbody else’s disdain. 

  26. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 09.14.2006 | 11:07 am

    I’m at a loss as to how, with all the Americans out there, no-one went with Captain America.
    For me, it’s Doctor Manhattan.  If you’re going to ride with someone with superpowers, clairvoyance and control of matter at the molecular level are 2 quite handy traits.  If you were suffering on a climb, you wouldn’t need to wimper for him to ease up – he’d already know.  And tuning a derailleur or trueing a wheel at the molecular level is about as good as it gets mechanically.

  27. Comment by Random Reviewer | 09.14.2006 | 1:28 pm

    born4lycra, i’m going to have to go with disdain. and, like the dauphine of france, shame, shame, and everlasting shame.

  28. Comment by Unknown | 09.14.2006 | 3:02 pm

    O zephyr winds that blow on high, lift me now so I can FLY!
    Her clothing looks comfortable enough for biking and the invisibility thing shouldn’t be a problem, but there’s still the logistics with the headgear, and Mrs. KeepYerBag would definitely have a one way ticket to Giza waiting for me when I got home.

  29. Comment by Unknown | 09.14.2006 | 3:21 pm

    What about NightCrawler, sur ehe’s blue and a little eccentric, but when you’re getting a little too winded to ge to the top of that big climb he could just teleport you to the top. And I’m sure there’d be plenty of conversation. "What was it like in the circus", "why are you blue"

  30. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 09.14.2006 | 3:26 pm

    The comments to this post remind me that I run in two very geeky circles. In one group, a sex joke can not be told without the word "meiosis" and the other is, aparantly, full of closet comic book fans.
    P.S. Aquaman. If he rides like a fish out of water, I’ll kick his super ass.

  31. Comment by Unknown | 09.14.2006 | 3:38 pm

    Sad sad sad…

    FC is showing his lack of research and focus like he did in his comments on Dug’s ride (missing all those references).

    First, Green Lantern’s ring can now work on yellow. It was an impurity in the main lantern on Oa (which not only not let the ring work on yellow, but eventually drove Hal Jordan insane). See the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_ring_%28weapon%29">wikipedia entry</a>.

    Second, FC specified that Spidey’s costume is too garish. Okay, maybe you don’t like red and blue. He’s going to be switching back to his black costume soon. That’s just plain <a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/4c/Marvel_Adv_sym_spidey.jpg">high fashion</a>.

    I agree with all your comments on Supes though – he’s a dupe.

    Of course, I’d have to ride with Spidey. He’s a physicist who married a hot chick. What a role model!

  32. Comment by Unknown | 09.14.2006 | 3:53 pm

    Fatty, even though helmets may be "The Law" in some places, here in Colorado, we celebrate the freedom to get head injuries.
    And would you volunteer to be the race official who tells Wolverine he can’t ride because he’s missing a helmet?  I don’t think it would be a problem.

  33. Comment by Unknown | 09.14.2006 | 4:07 pm

    Holy crap,
    We are all bike geeks.
    NERDS! How are we going to ride with wedgies?

  34. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.14.2006 | 4:30 pm

    kevin f – thanks for taking the time to de-lurk, and for thinking through the situation to the degree that you realize you need two superheroes to ride with. here at Fat Cyclist Incorporated, we look favorably on that kind of out-of-the-box thinking. Congratulations, by the way, to you and your lovely wife Britney on the birth of your second child.
    caloi – you’re just being intentionally obscure. "Groo." Humph.
    Nick – ok, i’m going to allow hulk. and in fact if you could get his non-hulk self into shape, he’d be the ultimate cyclist. little guy for climbs, big guy for the sprints. i’m warming to this hulk idea. where do i get some of that hulkifying goo? and how can i be sure it won’t turn me into a middle-aged ninja turtle?
    born4lycra – if i’m a superhero, does that mean i get a free lair? cuz i’d love to have a lair.
    big mike – i can see where you’re headed with dr. manhattan, but i wouldn’t ride with him because he has a silly name. sounds more like the title of a wacky movie starring dan ackroyd than a superhero. i think nobody’s gone with captain america because it’s pretty well acknowledged that dude’s seriously messed up. like steve austin gone horribly wrong. speaking of which, steve austin wouldn’t be a bad choice, either.
    dug – just for that, i’m going to disallow ET.
    no name – so is nightcrawler’s superpower the ability to communicate with/transform into worms? because while i can see how that would make him an excellent fisherman, i’m not sure what could it would be for cycling.
    botched – we prefer the term "graphic novel afficionado," thank you very much.
    brett taylor – hey, that black costume is snazzy. and now spider-man is married? holy smokes, i’m not up-to-date at all on my spider-man tales. clearly, i need to start spending more time reading comic books. i mean graphic novels.
    sophia – i’d ask my riding buddy daredevil to tell wolverine to wear a helmet. if it comes to a fight, my money’s on daredevil.
    no name – the chamois keeps the wedgie from getting too bad.

  35. Comment by mark | 09.14.2006 | 5:53 pm

    I’m going with Elastigirl on this one (are The Incredibles bona-fide superheroes?). That way if  (when?) I fall back on a climb, she could just stretch her arm back and give me a push. Kind of like the lady who gave my friend Eric a push a while back on the road climb up to the trailhead as she was passing him. She was so fast that she almost caught me peeing because I thought I had plenty of time to finish before she got there.
    Only problem with riding with Elastigirl or any girl for that matter is that fatty would probably accuse me of staring at her butt.

  36. Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.14.2006 | 6:09 pm

    KeepYerBag – Isis! Yes! I’m having Saturday morning cartoon (except she was real-life, making her super-awesome) right this minute.
    Isis, Electrawoman and Dynagirl would be an awesome basis for a pro women’s team.

  37. Comment by Unknown | 09.14.2006 | 7:36 pm

    In a probably futile attempt to get the last word, all I have to say is that my superhero could beat up your superhero any day of the week.

  38. Comment by bradley | 09.15.2006 | 1:42 am

    Yes, I need to read more comic books, or graphic novels to us snooty teacher-types. Since Lance is out, Catwoman is in (Ertha Kitt, not Halle Berry), and if that’s not enough, Batgirl!

  39. Comment by Jill | 09.15.2006 | 3:36 am

    Great post! I was thinking about that guy, Angel, in the third X-Man movie. Because he can already fly, he’s probably not going to get that much of a thrill out of droppin’ you on a downhill. And if he spreads out his wings, it’d be like drafting behind a semi-trailer. Talk about windshield.

  40. Comment by Ashbygirls | 09.15.2006 | 4:30 am

    Remember when Fatty tried to give that girl a push at Leadville and instead just ended up with his hand on her butt? That was awesome. I’m sorry Fatty, but I don’t think real superheros have awkward moments like that. You can still have a lair though.

  41. Comment by Tim D | 09.15.2006 | 2:40 pm

    This sounds like a job for Bicycle Repair Man

  42. Comment by Unknown | 09.15.2006 | 2:42 pm

    What about Spleen Man (Mystery Men)?  He’d drop a guy or two in a tight pack.  And that’s a legitmate power anyone can get, given enough spicy food/bean dip.  Just a thought.

  43. Comment by Zed | 09.15.2006 | 11:13 pm

    Hey now, just ‘cuz you missed out on the best comic book EVER when you were a kid isn’t any reason to hmph on it.
    Okay, I admit, it’s the only one I could add because it was the only comic I ever collected. Still, I’ve always felt that his mad skills combined with his inherent stupidity would’ve made Groo an interesting character to hang out with. Take it or leave it.

  44. Comment by joan | 09.17.2006 | 2:03 am

    FC – I definitely agree with you on the Batman thing – though for different reasons.  His suit is rubber and you know he’d be sporting a nasty chafing rash.  There is nothing worse than a superhero with a rash, let me tell you.  I am going to have to go with a more obscure superhero, or rather group of superheroes.  Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go would be my choice for the following reasons:a) Monkeys and robots – who can’t win with a team like that?b)  It would attract a lot of attention thus allowing me to succeed with mediocre biking skills.c) I would be popular with the under-10 set, which, as anyone knows, is the most vital demographic.


Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.