News Flash! Levi Leipheimer “Totally OK” With Ivan Basso Joining Team Discovery

11.14.2006 | 12:58 pm

AUSTIN, Texas (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) - Top-tier professional road cyclist Levi Leipheimer is “totally OK” with Ivan Basso signing with Team Discovery, according to a company spokesperson.

“Levi is very excited about this development,” said Johan Bruyneel, team director. “This is, after all, the team where Levi really launched his professional career as a domestique for Lance Armstrong. So of course it’s a very exciting prospect for him to return, years later, now as one of the top cyclists in the world and as a bona fide Grand Tour contender and team leader…and do exactly the same thing he did last time he was on this team.”

“Oh, except now he’ll be working for a different guy,” clarified the directeur sportif. “So that’s new, anyway. And, um, very exciting for Levi.”

Asked to comment, Levi Leipheimer verified that he is, in fact, eager to move from de facto team leader to super domestique before he ever raced for Team Discovery. “Ivan Basso’s a huge talent, you know, and I’m very happy to have him on the team,” said Leipheimer. “I can hardly wait to fetch water bottles for him as he tries to get a double grand tour win.”

“After all,” continued the 34-year-old Leipheimer, “I’m still really in the early part of my career. I’ve got another three, maybe four years left in me. Why wouldn’t I be excited to put my own goals on hold in order to facilitate securing Basso a couple big wins? I mean, a Basso really inspires me to work hard; I’m extra enthused to race for someone who may or may not have been doping, but refuses to take the steps that would clear his name. If he’s innocent.”

Leipheimer paused for a moment, then continued: “Which, I’m sure, he is.”

Not Considering a Different Team
Asked whether he is considering leaving Team Discovery in order to go to a team that will make him the team leader he perhaps deserves to be, Leipheimer was quick to respond. “Yeah, you know what would happen if I did that? I’ll tell you what would happen. Say I went to team CSC. I’ll bet you anything that fifteen minutes later they’d hire Ullrich. And then they’d hire Landis, who I’m sure would magically be cleared all of a sudden.”

“And Hamilton,” finished Leipheimer. “They’d probably hire him, too.”

New Perks
Team Discovery, aware of the possibility–no matter how trivial–that Leipheimer might experience some frustration at being replaced as the team’s main GC racer before doing a single grand tour, has prepared a special set of incentives for the racer.

“We haven’t forgotten Levi,” said the Discovery spokesperson. In exchange for the hard work he’ll be doing on behalf of Ivan Basso, we’re going to give him a number of very nice prizes. For example, we are giving him a signed 8 x 10 photograph of Lance Armstrong, which would sell for $80 or more on eBay. We’re letting him pick out any bike from the Trek catalog he’d like for his own use, and we’re giving it to him at cost. That represents significant savings!”

“I should clarify, perhaps,” continued the spokesperson, “that this offer does not extend to the Lemond bike line.”

“Perhaps the most exciting perk, however,” said the spokesperson, “is that Levi will get to share a hotel room with Ivan Basso when they’re racing! Just think what valuable advice Levi will be able to collect from Ivan during their ‘together time.’”

Concluded the spokesperson: “Levi must consider himself very fortunate indeed.”

39 Comments

  1. Comment by Lofgrans | 11.14.2006 | 3:32 pm

    my sentiments exactly.

  2. Comment by axel | 11.14.2006 | 6:56 pm

    my hope is that the TdF organization will send Basso (and Ullrich and Mancebo and Hamilton and Gutierrez and Botero and…) home unless they take steps to prove they are not involved. And Levi can be the Kloeden of 2007 and all is well again.
    But the truth is, should have stayed at Gerolsteiner…

  3. Comment by bradley | 11.14.2006 | 7:34 pm

    I thought they hired Ivan to carry Levi’s water bottle! Say it ain’t so, the “American” Disco boys scuttling the hopes of American cyclists everywhere!

  4. Comment by REDRUDY | 11.14.2006 | 9:00 pm

    Come now, we are Americans, it is obvious we will do anything to win, hell even send fellow Americans down the river. I never though Leipheimer had a legit shot, but apparently neither did Discovery. I guess this is how the sports buisiness works.

  5. Comment by steph | 11.15.2006 | 12:52 am

    I like it. Maybe it could all go a bit t-mobile and they could sign up another couple of leaders to all fight against each other like Vino, Kloden and Ullrich did. I agree that Levi probably isn’t a GC rider like Basso, but it does all feel a bit underhand. I agree with Axl that we haven’t heard the last of all this, the riders under suspicion could all be kicked out the week before the tour starts in London.

  6. Comment by sans auto | 11.15.2006 | 6:45 am

    Wait, you mean that all professional cyclists didn’t retire when Landis tested possitive? I thought that was the end of professional cycling. Armstrong made cycling huge in the US over a span of 7 years and Floyd wiped it off the map with one urine sample. I still think he’s innocent.

  7. Comment by Boz | 11.15.2006 | 7:55 am

    Socks got more comments than a well written piece of FC satire ? sans auto may be right, but I really don’t think the pro scene has alot of effect except on the hard core riders.

  8. Comment by fatty | 11.15.2006 | 8:07 am

    boz – you pointed out something that i wonder about often. i usually get fewer comments for my fake news than for anything else, though i also get more traffic fo those fake news pieces — people link to them from other biking sites.

    my theory is that for something like my socks post, everyone has something personal to contribute — it’s like a casual convesation, so everyone feels free to chat. for satire, on the other hand, it’s more like you’ve heard a speech. unless you’re well-versed in the topic and have either something to add or a rebuttal to make after a speech, you’re not going to raise your hand and make a comment.

    or maybe (and believe me, i can’t help but gauge myself this way), fewer comments means that my satire sucks.

  9. Comment by Jose | 11.15.2006 | 8:24 am

    Hey fatty, remember me? I was around and stopped by to check your new site out. First of all, one question: Am I allowed back to comment in your site after a “well deserved” break? I feel like the only one in the world that fatty does not like. It’s like being bizarre Superman (or bizarre Fatty). I promise I won’t spoil any of your TDF stages in the future. By the way, Levy is quitting Discovery to join T-Mobile, Did you read that? I’m just kidding, I hope I did not spoiled anything with that comment.

  10. Comment by SyracuseStu | 11.15.2006 | 8:52 am

    Or maybe, fatty, that your satire is so gosh darn good we are all awed into silence. Hmmm…that smacks of a sarcasm that is not intended. I often am impressed with your writing skills, and after your satirical “speeches” I tend to just sit here thinking “there is no way I can top that”.

  11. Comment by fatty | 11.15.2006 | 9:19 am

    jose – glad to have you back. i was harsher on you than i should have been. sorry about that.

    syracusestu – oh, go on.

    axel – i’m betting that levi does wish he had stayed at gerolsteiner. or maybe he’s thinking he should have gone to csc. riis seems to be able to magically turn decent pros into heroes.

  12. Comment by Daniel B. | 11.15.2006 | 9:45 am

    Yeah… while I’m not sure I agree that Levi should have stayed with Gerolsteiner, I do agree his opportunities at Discovery just took a punch to the gut with the signing of Basso.

  13. Comment by Uncadan8 | 11.15.2006 | 9:45 am

    I think Syracusestu hit the nail on the head. Well-written satire needs no embellishment or explanation. Fatty is the bees knees on fake cycling news. Can I get a pair of socks now?

  14. Comment by Tayfuryagci | 11.15.2006 | 9:58 am

    satire, doesn’t suck. some of us really has nothing to say on this or such subjects. knowing that David Zabriskie is an American pro-cyclist makes up the whole of my knowledge on road cycling stuff. and Landis didn’t dope, wooo go Floyd!

  15. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 11.15.2006 | 11:59 am

    Don’t worry Levi. I have an inkling that Basso may not come out clean after all is said and done……..

  16. Comment by SyracuseStu | 11.15.2006 | 12:17 pm

    Does anyone have a tissue? There is this odd brown stuff on my nose. It won’t come off. It wasn’t there this morning.

  17. Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 11.15.2006 | 4:19 pm

    That was a well edited version of the interview with Johan Bruyneel. Especially the bit where you were looking out for Leipheimer’s feelings by omitting Johan’s response to your very first question

    “Levi who? We hired another guy in blue pants a few weeks ago, is that who you’re talking about?”

    “We have ‘water carrier’ numbers 1, 2, 3, & 4 and ‘mountain derny pacer’ numbers 1, 2, 3 & 4. Apparently they have names on their contracts but they respond over the two-way to carrier or pacer respectively.”

    “Here’s another scoop for you. Ivan underwent surgery this week. It’s part of an upcoming Discovery Channel series on plastic surgery. When the bruising and swelling subsides he will be almost indistinguishable from the first Lance. And this will help the team at the TdF as well. 2006 was a rough year because we didn’t have a Lance to focus our efforts on. 2007 and Ivan’s new face will see a return to the utter dominance of the peleton by team Discovery Channel.”

  18. Pingback by Leipheimer: Domestique Again? - Cycling News - Cycling News, Discovery Channel, domestique - Tour de France Logue | 11.15.2006 | 7:17 pm

    [...] In all the hubbub over Discovery’s recent signing of Italian Ivan Basso, I’d completely forgotten about the fact that Discovery signed another Tour hopeful earlier in the year – Levi Leipheimer. Thank goodness the Fat Cyclist didn’t forget: Levi Leipheimer verified that he is, in fact, eager to move from de facto team leader to super domestique before he ever raced for Team Discovery. “Ivan Basso’s a huge talent, you know, and I’m very happy to have him on the team,” said Leipheimer. “I can hardly wait to fetch water bottles for him as he tries to get a double grand tour win.” [...]

  19. Comment by walter | 11.15.2006 | 7:58 pm

    omigod — all I can say is: rotflol!! Fatty rocks!!!

    Maybe Discovery Channel (you remember, their main business?) is doing all this as a cover for an expose documentary they’re planning on “sports medicine”? All this sure makes me think somebody (Bruyneel? the sponsors?) is way more interested in winning than giving the appearance of riding clean. Which seems kind of odd given that LA presumably has some amount of influence over that team. (Note: I’m not implying anything about LA and doping other than that I would think he’d want to make sure anything he’s associated with _appears_ clean.) Kinda makes you go: “hmmmm…”

    P.S.: Love the new site!

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  32. Comment by Jan Jenkins | 07.29.2007 | 8:42 am

    Anything Levi does is fine with me. Did you check out stage 19? Maybe most of us aren’t cycling fanatics who TIVO the Tour de France. He lived in Salt Lake for a while and his trainer works in Salt Lake as a physical therapist. Just though I’d throw that in since I know he was borne in Butte, and perhaps no one knew that.

    Kudos, Levi. Thanks also for the work you and your wife are doing with homeless animals. A true cyclist and a gentleman.

    Jan P Jenkins

  33. Comment by Jan Jenkins | 07.29.2007 | 8:42 am

    Anything Levi does is fine with me. Did you check out stage 19? Maybe most of us aren’t cycling fanatics who TIVO the Tour de France. He lived in Salt Lake for a while and his trainer works in Salt Lake as a physical therapist. Just though I’d throw that in since I know he was borne in Butte, and perhaps no one knew that.

    Kudos, Levi. Thanks also for the work you and your wife are doing with homeless animals. A true cyclist and a gentleman.

    Jan P Jenkins

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  38. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Toward Peace and Love Within Team Astana | 06.24.2009 | 5:49 pm

    [...] Except Levi, of course. Levi’s used to this kind of thing. [...]

  39. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Do Something Good, Win Levi Leipheimer’s Bike | 10.5.2010 | 11:17 am

    [...] later that same year, when I wrote a “fake” news piece about how excited Levi was with Ivan Basso being brought into Team Discovery. Levi was fine with that, I’m [...]

 

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