The Allure of Never Shaving Again

01.18.2007 | 10:37 am

Note from Fatty: It’s not too late for you to help my son with his science project, thereby entering yourself in a lottery for fabulous prizes! Click here to find out how.

My legs are hairy again. This is not the result of a conscious decision to become a soul rider. This is not a practical result brought on by my inability — due to my winter gut — to reach the bottom of my legs.

It’s just laziness. It’s been more than ten days since the outside temperature  has risen above freezing — not exactly shorts-wearing weather. What’s the point of shaving?

I know, of course, that once the weather turns decent again, I’m going to want the smooth legs of a cyclist.

Which means I’m going to need to buy a pair of sheep shears. Or maybe I could just use the weed whacker.

Then, once I’ve hacked down the fur, I’ll have the fun maintenance chore of shaving every other day. I should shave every day — I generate stubble that is more abrasive than Russian toilet paper (popular joke in Finland: Q. What’s the difference between Russian toilet paper and sandpaper? A. Sandpaper is that rough on only one side!) — but that’s just too much work.

So it should be no surprise that, as I was driving to work (yes, driving — no way am I bike commuting 20 miles in these temperatures) and saw a sign advertising laser hair removal, that a little light went on.

What if I never had to shave again? What if I got all my leg hair removed permanently?

Nightmare Scenario
The thing is, every ad I’ve ever seen for laser hair removal features a woman’s legs. Timid soul that I am, I have thus far been reluctant to call one of those places and start investigating this idea, because I imagine the conversation might go like this:

Me: Hi, I’m interested in learning more about laser hair removal.

Them: Oh, are you calling on behalf of your wife? That’s a very thoughtful gift.

Me: No. This is for me.

Them: Oh, I see. You must be interested in having the hair removed from your back. Many gross middle age men like to do that, thinking that somehow they will look less disgusting if they don’t have hairy backs.

Me: Um, actually, it’s for my legs.

Them: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. Earlier I mentioned you having a wife; I didn’t realize then that you are a transvestite. I apologize.

Me: Wh? I’m not a transvestite!

Them: Oh, we don’t judge people like you, sir — I mean ma’am. I mean, what would you like me to call you?

Me: Look, I just want to permanently remove the hair from my legs because I’m a cyclist. Cyclists don’t like hairy legs.

Them: Rrrright. So, “Mr.-or-Ms. Cyclist,” would you also like information on how we can permanently remove your beard stubble?

Me: *Click*.

You see why I’m afraid to call?

10 Questions
So, presuming I manage to drag up the courage, here are the things I would like to find out about laser hair removal for cyclists:

  1. Am I alone in this? So, is this something a lot of male cyclists do, or am I the first one to consider lasering away my leg hair?
  2. How high should I go? In your professional opinion, should I laser away just to my shorts line, or all the way up to my hips?
  3. Should I go even higher than that? Hey, as long as I’m on the table, could you cut me a deal on getting rid of that back hair?
  4. How much will this cost, anyway? How do you charge? Is it per square inch? Per hair? Is there an additional charge if you promise that you’ll never tell anyone about this conversation?
  5. How much will this hurt? Would you compare this to being snapped with a rubber band ten thousand times, to a road rash incurred at 40mph, or somewhere in between?
  6. How long will this take? How long does it take to laserify the big ol’ hairy legs of a middle aged man? How much extra time if you throw in the back? How much extra if you use the laser to laser-remove hair on one of my arms in the form of the message, “I Believe Tyler”?
  7. How many times am I going to need to do this? My hair is thick, dark, and highly resistant to poison, acid, and intense radiation. I assume that most of it will come back after the first time you laser me. So how often will I need to come back before I can throw away the Mach III forever?
  8. Does any hair grow back at all? Once you’re done, will I still grow some leg hair? How much? Will I still have to shave every day? Cuz that would suck.
  9. What if this doesn’t work and I’m horribly disfigured? Suppose the laser bores a 1.5″-diameter hole clean through my leg? Will you give me a full refund, or just store credit?
  10. Are there any really, really freaky side effects? I worry that if my legs can no longer grow hair, that all that hair that would otherwise come out of my legs will just build up inside of me, until I explode, making a hairy, embarrassing mess all over the place. Or maybe all the energy my body would have otherwise expended on growing hair will instead turn into fat. Or what if instead of lots of little hairs growing nice and slow, I started growing one really thick hair, really fast? Can you guarantee that wouldn’t happen?

Did I miss any important questions? Please feel free to ask them, and I’ll include any I find interesting when I call.

You’ve got to admit, though, it’d be kinda cool to not have to shave anymore.


  1. Comment by KatieA | 01.18.2007 | 11:05 am

    Most places I know that do it have had to take down the signs that say “permanent” – because it’s not. Because then everyone would do it, and then no-one would ever need their services again, and they’d go broke…

    But, one of my friends go her underarms done (which is insane to me, as it’s the smallest part to shave, and takes about 3 seconds, so I don’t see the problem) and it took her 3 visits at $90 per sesssion to have it “complete”. But she has fine blonde hair, so I assume your forest may take more sessions than that.

    What does your wife think of you having permanently shaved legs? And are you going to buy her a session as well to compensate?

  2. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 01.18.2007 | 11:38 am

    I’ve never understood the whole male cyclist shaved legs thing. I’ve biked for a while now and not once have I ever been tempted to shave my legs. Please enlighten me to this trend. I understand the shaved legs for swimmers, but why cycling? I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with it, I’m just wondering as to why.

  3. Comment by Eljimador | 01.18.2007 | 11:45 am

    I like the idea of laser hair removal, but from my (poor) understanding there are some drawbacks:

    1) You have to come back several times over a long period of time because all your hair follicles don’t all produce hair at the same time. So you have it done and then you have to wait for some new hairs pop up and go back.

    2) During this long period of time (say one year) you have to stay out of the sun. The “laser” needs your hair to be dark and your skin to be white to work properly. To me this is the big problem….Having really dark hair helps though.

    I am just hoping they come out with more sophisticated equipment so I don’t have to wear tights all summer.

  4. Comment by KeepYerBag | 01.18.2007 | 11:47 am

    This is your lucky week: For work, I’m testing out a software driver for a Bausch and Lomb wavefront-guided LASIK machine and have one of these bad boys out in the garage even as I type. So far I’ve put a grapefruit sized hole through the garage door and vaporized my neighbors car, so surely I can make those gams of yours silky smooth. You will have to sign a waiver, of course.

  5. Comment by Lofgrans | 01.18.2007 | 11:51 am

    1- You’re not alone. Think of all the $$ you’d save on hot water not having to shave for 30 minutes in the shower.

    2- If you’re gonna do it, go all the way. Most of the road rash occurs on the hip/butt area anyway. And I’m sure Mrs. FC doesn’t want to see a hairy ring around your thigh. Ooooh, I just grossed myself out.

    3- Depends, do you ever have a use for Russian grade sandpaper? Might be useful to have some lying around.

    4- Beats me

    5- Just pray that it hurts less than getting a tatoo lasered off. I’ve done that, I cried.

    6- Beats me (though the lasering of the tatoos was pretty quick, thank heavens)

    7-10- ???

    If you wuss out, you can also try waxing. Sally Hansen makes some pre-waxed strips that you can do at home. Works pretty good, lasts a lot longer than shaving, doesn’t really hurt, and cost effective.

  6. Comment by Lowrydr | 01.18.2007 | 11:52 am

    Why not just torch it off. You know the little propane ones the plumbers use. If you move it quick enough the burns should not even be 1st degree. It’s got to be faster than waxing or shaving, and cheaper too. But then again I don’t need it as a touring rider. With occasional desires to punish myself in the woods and strip pits.

  7. Comment by monogodo | 01.18.2007 | 11:57 am

    You’re not the first to consider it. I thought about it recently. At least, I thought that it’d be a good idea for a serious racer to do, as it’d save them time not having to shave.

    As for how high up you should go, when I first started shaving my legs, I’d go all the way up. Then I left what I’ll call sideburns a the top of the inner thighs to help reduce chafing. This past summer I went about 2/3 of the way up the thighs, to just above where my shorts hit when sitting, as it was a pain in the ass to go higher. I stopped shaving back in September due to a broken arm. I might start up again in the Spring, but it’s not worth the expense for me to have laser removal done (I, too have a lot of thick, dark body hair). Besides, my wife getting it done to her armpits takes precedence (she hates shaving her pits because of razor burn and nicks, time spent doing it isn’t a factor).

    As others have already said, it’ll take multiple visits to take care of it. Go ahead and look into it, I’m sure the call won’t go as badly as you think.

  8. Comment by regina | 01.18.2007 | 12:07 pm

    1. no
    2. as high as you have to so you do not always looks like you are still wearing shorts.
    3. if you do not ask for a deal to include the back hair you will not get one and they willnot yell at you for asking, they will just say no, thats as bad as it will get.
    4. ?
    5. I do not think it hurts like a tattoo. I believe it is pretty painless.
    6. I think time is up to you, and the amount of realestate you decide to address.
    7. Takes several visits usually due to the random growth of hair, believe it or not they do not all grow at the same time.
    8. ?
    9. be sure they are qualified and experienced, the internet will tell you what to look for to determine that.
    10. ask thta too.

  9. Comment by Jay | 01.18.2007 | 12:07 pm

    Fatty, you should check out the ads Google has chosen for your blog today. They’re exquisite.

  10. Comment by LMouse | 01.18.2007 | 12:09 pm

    Oh, fatty, your naivete is so endearing. Dear boy, if it were so easy and affordable don’t you think every woman in the world would be doing it? We torture ourselves with the crudest, most painful treatments on a regular basis for nearly our entire lives. Even multi-millionaire movie stars have regular waxings on the most sensitive parts of their bodies, for goodness sake.

    Sheryl Crow even said in an interview last year that Lance shaves more often than she does. If Lance isn’t doing laser hair removal, I figure it’s a given that it’s not even possible.

    Of course, despite the fact that I am an expert on almost everything, I could be wrong. I am sure one of your clever commenters will come up with something. I will be watching the site and hoping with all my woman’s heart that miracles really do happen and there is a way out there to never have to shave (or wax) again ever.

  11. Comment by barry1021 | 01.18.2007 | 12:10 pm

    I don’t get the leg shaving thing either. It’s not like you are replacing Landis at the TDF in 2007. Wind resistance? C’mon! Wound sanitation perhaps, as when a 2×4 from your teeter enters your thigh at 12 o clock and exits at 6:37 after a particularly nasty spill? You wouldn’t want any potentially dangerous follicles commingling with the termite-infested splinters in your arteries. Vanity? So you will no longer have to answer as to why you are wearing full tights on a 105 degree summer day? I think the womana t the Laser Center would have it right, you really are a repressed transvestite. Not that there is anything wrong with that.


  12. Comment by bikemike | 01.18.2007 | 12:16 pm

    does a real shark give you the ” laser” treatment or do you get a real shark with said treatment. c’mon i hope they throw you a freaking bone there.

  13. Comment by Big Boned | 01.18.2007 | 12:37 pm

    You scare me. Gross me out too. Is there no filter between your sick, sick mind and your keyboard???
    Poor Mrs Fatty!

  14. Comment by Al Maviva | 01.18.2007 | 1:04 pm

    1. alone in this? – Yes, among a normative sample of heterosexual males, you are alone in wondering this for more than 5 seconds.

    2. Height? – up to mid-belly. Then carve out a bearded dog face using your nipples as eyes for a “satanic schnauzer” effect. This will freak out other riders, and neighborhood cats. It will also establish “street cred” if Velo News sends you to cover the World Single Speed championships.

    3. Back hair – yes, they will cut you a deal you cheap freak, but it involves a large Chinese man named Bruce, and an enormous Ginsu meat cleaver. Not sure you’re going to like that one. On the plus side, shoulder blades grow back like lizard tails, right?

    4. Cost – in your case, nothing. They will pay *you* to put your pants back on and never do that again, at least not in the reception area, Chewbacca. This ain’t church…

    5. It doesn’t hurt at all. The tech just aims the laser, puts on the goggles, fries away, then goes and gets a cup of coffee. I’ve never heard a tech complain about the pain, ever. Well, except for carpal tunnel. So clearly it’s relatively painless.

    6. Would you compare this to being snapped with a rubber band ten thousand times, to a road rash incurred at 40mph, or somewhere in between? — Hang on. I’m snapping a rubber band into the yellow goo on the roadrash on my thigh. I’m up to about 6350 times. It really frickin hurts.

    7. How long will this take? — As long as we still both enjoy the smell, Smoky Robinson.

    8. How many times am I going to need to do this? — Until the dermatologist has paid for his daughter’s schooling up through junior year at Vassar. She’s an eighth grader at Phillips Exeter now…

    9. My hair is thick, dark, and highly resistant to poison, acid, and intense radiation. — Yeah, and what are you going to tell us now – that your Spidey Sense tells you Floyd is going to kick your @55 at Leadville?

    10. I assume that most of it will come back after the first time you laser me. — Yeah, that’s what Anakin said about his arms.

    11. So how often will I need to come back before I can throw away the Mach III forever? – about once a week for six months. After that it will be replaced with the Mach XIX, which has 19 blades.

    12. Suppose the laser bores a 1.5″-diameter hole clean through my leg? Will you give me a full refund, or just store credit? – Yep, you get a free hole in the other leg.

    13. Are there any really, really freaky side effects? — You may find cats licking your sweaty legs after a long ride. I can’t explain this but find it sort of interesting.

  15. Comment by Heffalump | 01.18.2007 | 1:09 pm

    My favorite part was when you said “So, presuming I manage to drag up the courage, here are the things I would like to find out about laser hair removal for cyclists:” You did use the word DRAG on purpose right?

  16. Comment by Mike | 01.18.2007 | 1:10 pm

    Do you think someone has actually discovered a way of stopping unwanted hair growth (face, legs, armpits etc) but Braun, Gilette etc have bought it and hidden the secret away ? (Much in the same way that oil companies bought up gadgets that decrease fuel consumption). BTW, I’m not really paranoid.

  17. Comment by Caloi-Rider | 01.18.2007 | 1:22 pm

    Are you just hoping that by having hairless pistons it’ll be more inviting for other people to give you massages?
    I’ve shaved once or twice, but I think I like having hairy legs. It’s a signal that, hey, I’m not so serious about this that I need to devote my body hair to it. You ought to link your how to size up the competition parts Iand II for further explanation about the statement you’ll be making as a bike racer with smooth calves.

  18. Comment by tigermouth | 01.18.2007 | 1:24 pm

    Well, Al Maviva already wrote all the funny things I thought of, so I’ll forgo humor. (Actually, I just wish I had thought of them. Al is really funny. I’m not. So, again, I’ll forgo humor.)

    I’ve considered laser hair removal. I’ve also considered laser eyesight correction. In the end, I decided not to do either, for the same reason I didn’t get that dragon tattoo I wanted. I don’t want to make permanent changes to my body. What if I change my mind in a few years? Also many of these laser techniques are too new for us to know the long term effects. So for now, I shave my legs.

    Actually, every couple of years I decide to shave my legs and do for a month or so until I remember what an incredible pain it is. The worst is a day or two after shaving when the stubble snags on your pants or, worse, your cycling shorts (this is a good reason not to shave above the shorts line).

    So why do cyclist shave their legs? Here are a few reasons:
    1) Road rash is easier to treat. Turns out sanitation isn’t the main reason hair is a problem. The real problem is removing bandages from hairy legs. Ouch!
    2) Massages are easier with no hair. Suntan lotion is easier to apply with no hair. Rubbing in Trauma Liniment or Tendon Lotion (two Traditional Chinese Medicine remedies for muscle strains) is much easier without hair.
    3) A cat 3 rider in my club saw my hairy legs and warned me that no one would be willing to work with me in a break. They would assume that anyone who didn’t shave wasn’t a serious racer and would let me dangle out front until the peloton reeled me back in. (Of course, I was a cat 5 and unable to even finish with the pack, so his advice wasn’t of much use to me.)

  19. Comment by LMouse | 01.18.2007 | 1:36 pm

    Call me superficial, but hairy legs on a cyclist is just wrong on so many levels. Yuch.

  20. Comment by Age Grouper | 01.18.2007 | 1:48 pm

    Fatty -

    Great idea! If it works, let us know. Didn’t you address how high to shave in your blog a couple of years ago? A friend sent that to me, and that was my introduction to The Fat Cyclist.

    A video shown at the first annual Tamarack House film festival (Whitman College, Walla Walla, WA) 3 years ago includes a segment on leg shaving. The whole video is a blast. It was shown also at a USA Cycling board meeting. Here is the link:

  21. Comment by dug | 01.18.2007 | 2:20 pm

    you can list all the reasons cyclists shave their legs till you’re blue in the face. i just like it better. if gave up cycling, i think i’d still shave. it’s smooth and sexy.

    by the way, forget the mach III, the new fusion is dope. 5 blades isn’t just hype, it’s silky smooth.

  22. Comment by MTB W | 01.18.2007 | 2:40 pm

    I am likely in the minority but I can’t see shaving my legs. Anyway, it seems like few mountain bikers shave their legs while many roadies do. Thus, what is a newbie crossover (pun intended) to do?

    Is there a razor blade war escalation going on? First, it was 2 blades, then 3 and now 5? What’s next 7? 9? Razor blades are soon going to be bigger than my face!

  23. Comment by Jay | 01.18.2007 | 3:02 pm

    You could always try the Steve Carrol method and wax a smiley face into your body hair. OUCH!!!!!

  24. Comment by Rick S | 01.18.2007 | 3:08 pm

    I got the fusion razor in the mail as a sample. I used it last week to shave my legs and agree with dug. It rocks. Way better than the silly 3 blade set up.

    Shaved legs shows of the muscles we all work so hard to get. And when you walk into the local shop with shaved legs, suddenly your bike gets pushed to the top of the queue.

  25. Comment by MTB W | 01.18.2007 | 3:21 pm

    Ah, I think I see my problem. I don’t have any muscles to show off so the hairiness hides my skinny legs. Kind of like a cat that puffs up it fur to look bigger than they really are.

  26. Comment by Lofgrans | 01.18.2007 | 3:54 pm

    Al- everyone in my office was wondering what I was laughing it. Oh my gosh, hilarious.

    tigermouth- you must have tougher hair than even FC if you’re snagging your shorts.

    Lmouse- its gotten to the point that when I see someone with hairy legs I think it looks weird and kind of grosses me out. Which is why I choose not to look at my own stems too often.

    So do the men here knick their legs and bleed all over the nice towels as much as my husband? Who on earth taught these men to shave?

  27. Comment by NobbyNick | 01.18.2007 | 4:22 pm

    OMG. The Google adds are not only funny, but to die for. I’m ordering a do-it-yourself back hair shaver from mangroomer right away!!!

  28. Comment by sans auto | 01.18.2007 | 4:26 pm

    I cut myself every time and end up with razor burn that hurts like no other. I have to shave down the leg or I can’t handle it. It’s a terrible shave, but it doesn’t hurt.

    I had a roommate who once made a template of the superman symbol and shaved it into his chest hair… except he was looking in the mirror so it came out backwards.

  29. Comment by mbonkers | 01.18.2007 | 4:57 pm

    As a collegiate swimmer I used to shave everything not covered by a speedo. The back shaving makes t-shirts feel creepy. I will admit that the girls loved to feel my silky smooth legs, and that was about the only bonus. Haven’t shaved for biking yet, and probably won’t. The hair’s pretty thin and bleaches golden in the summer, doesn’t block the view of the muscles.
    Laser removal sounds scary, I don’t think I’d trust some laser tech to burn out my folicles.

    Do they make you pay it all up front so if it hurst real bad, you still come in for the second treatment??

  30. Comment by Mike P. | 01.18.2007 | 5:16 pm

    Fatty, you’re losing touch with your roots. You started your blog because you were a fat (eff, ay, tee: FAT!) cyclist.

    Having your body use energy and material to grow hair that is simply cut off and thrown away is a valuable weight loss technique. If you stop hair growth, you’ll be even fatter and have a harder time getting down to race weight.

    Don’t think of shaving as a pain in the rear, think of it as an easy way to slenderize.

    I implore you to put your focus back on the chub. Put aside these thoughts of hair removal.


    p.s. I am not a crackpot.

  31. Comment by T Pot | 01.18.2007 | 5:20 pm

    I am neither male nor a cyclist (nor am I fat). Hence, I normally lurk on this wonderful site. I follow pro cycling, and I followed your link once from a fakenews bit and never looked back. Complete aside – I’m tempted to start cycling just to be able to join the B7 in the future, but I don’t want to have to gain weight first and you all would accuse me of sandbagging or something.

    Anyway, since I’ve actually HAD laser hair removal, I figure I might be able to help out here more than some of your usual commenters (though I won’t be funnier – sorry). My hair is similar to yours I think – dark, thick and indestructible. I got laser, because I was tired of dealing with ingrown hairs, stubble, etc. So to answer your questions:

    1. I have no idea what male cyclists do, since the bulk of my info about male cyclists comes from this blog. My best guess is that they make cake, mashed potatoes and give away prizes. Sometimes, they make fun of people (hi dug!). Not sure what that has to do with shaving legs.

    2. If you’re going to do it, go all the way. Don’t make it look like a perma-tan (it’s amazing how much lighter the skin looks without hair OR stubble/growth beneath). There is no other line you can pick that would not look ridiculous. It might not feel very good having treatment on the inner thigh/groin, though. See #5 below.

    3. Sure, you can get a deal that includes the back. And back hair is a lot grosser than leg hair. Dunno if this will make you a better cyclist though.

    4. It costs a LOT. Several hundreds of dollars per treatment, if it’s covering a large surface area – like legs (or back). You can get a pricing sheet from places or just look it up online. There are some package deals, but the truth is, you could buy a lot of razor blades and cans of shaving gel/cream for the money. It might be more cost effective over time than professional waxing, though, depending on where you live, your body hair type, results, and so on.

    5. Ok, here is the kicker. It HURTS. It hurts bad enough that sometimes it is hard to keep still and not yank your leg away instinctively. First, the more dark, coarse, thick your hair, the more it hurts (this means that the higher up the leg/groin, the more it’ll hurt too). Next, the areas that the treatment is directly on the bone and not padded at all – ankles and knees – are extremely painful. Even moreso than groin. Maybe if you are fat enough it doesn’t hurt? Dunno.

    The rubber band snapping thing is a BAD analogy, because when someone snaps a rubber band, they do it ONCE. Not over and over for an hour at a time. They tested it out on me when I was trying to decide whether to do it, so I figured “no big deal.” That’s because it was about 5 seconds worth.

    The place I went to offered the option of a topical anesthetic or even higher level painkillers in advance if you wanted. I declined (I play a sport known for toughness – I’m no wuss!) and chose to spend the time finding that zone of pain tolerance on my own. I would bring my hardest, loudest music, put on the headphones, and just focus on that. I imagine that if you’re happy suffering on climbs, you might enjoy this suffering too.

    6. They try to set things up for an hour or so, because you really can’t take much more. I think the most I ever did at once was an hour and a half. Note that at first, for both full legs, it really takes a few hours, so it would be separated on two different days. As treatments continue, it takes less time, because not as much hair is growing back. It takes more time if they need to laser in a phantom-twin message on the other arm.

    7. They tell you that you need about six treatments + spot treatments after. I found this was about right. I did 6 treatments spaced about 6 weeks apart (3 years ago), and it’s kept me smooth for the most part. I may have only done 5, but you got the 6th one free after 5 where I went. I may go for spot treatment at some point when I think I’ve had enough regrowth to make the $ worth it, and when I know I won’t be exposed to sun (currently have wetsuit shorts tan line from a trip over the holiday). Best time to start treatment is late fall, when you know you won’t be out in sun again until the next season.

    8. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have to shave again, though part of this depends on how much new hair (follicles) your body will grow. At first, I shaved sporadically after. Now, after 3 years, there are a few ’spots’ that require more frequent shaving (quick once over with razor weekly or biweekly?). But it’s still day and night compared to before. My legs are smooth and silky, so you can see every bruise and every scar. Very sexy.

    9. If you have light to medium skin tone and dark hair, you are the perfect candidate for it to work. If not, you can change your blog name to hairy & disfigured cyclist. People will line up for those jerseys for sure!

    10. I had an allergic reaction to the treatments. I would get red and itchy a few days after and it would persist for a week or so. At first, I thought it was the gel they used (it makes the laser glide over easily) or maybe the ‘after lotion’ (which makes the area not hurt anymore – funny, the fact that they’d stopped USING the laser seemed to make it not hurt as well!). Turns out that it probably was the treatment itself. My body had an immune reaction to it. It wasn’t horrible, but it didn’t feel good. When I talked to the doctor, they wanted me to take high level steroids. I didn’t bother. See my comments on #5. Hehe.

    So, there you have it, Mr. Fat Cyclist. It was expensive. It took a bit of time. And it hurt like a mother (and you don’t know my mother). Would I do it all over again? You bet I would…

  32. Comment by The Weak Link | 01.18.2007 | 6:46 pm

    If you go for it, go all the way and go brasilon. Every hair beneath the waist goes. No survivers. !) it will give you guys an extra optical inch. 2) It let folks know that you are available an actor in any the the informal taping of groups of poeple wanting to express they’r deepest sensual feelings with virtually any decend looking skank. ‘Dang, AI’d pay to see this show: Kymba studs and hoes reveals the Brazillian hair style. It would be more effective if they riding the bikes at the time, although I’d feel sorry for any bodies massive blood-gorched uncircumsized member, should it caught between the front chain and the front der.

  33. Comment by Jose | 01.18.2007 | 7:02 pm

    I can’t stand shaving my face everyday, oh my gosh, I can not imagine having to shave my legs!!!!….be careful if you go too high with the laser, that procedure is sometimes called vasectomy. Ouch!!!!!

  34. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.18.2007 | 8:33 pm

    The Weak Link, I just don’t know exactly what to say. I’ve only ever heard one other person use the phrase “optical inch.” I heard it in Moab this year, and the person who said it is

    dug, shaved women’s legs are smooth and sexy. Shaved men’s legs are slighly, uh, well, I’m just going to say it: gay.

    Rick S, I’m not taking shaving advice from a guy who got humiliated by a little goat.

    Al, absolutely priceless. I’m totally up for the satanic dog motif. I think that should be the new fat cyclist logo for the jerseys we’re going to win from Fatty.

    Fatty, your grandchildren are going to be very creeped out by a hairless grandfather.

    “Grandpa, why do you always wear pants to go swimming?”

    “Uhmm, well, because I uh, was horribly burned during a friendly fire incident during the heroic invasion of Grenada.”

    “Ohhh, cool, can we see.”


    “AAAAHHHHHHHGGGGG, EEEEEEEEWWWWWW, put your pants back on grandpa!”

  35. Comment by KatieA978 | 01.18.2007 | 9:13 pm

    Hey, just thought, on the plus side, you could avoid accidents like the one that happened to me before Christmas, when I cut a 15cm (1/2 foot) gash in my leg with my pretty, girly razor. One of the blades snapped in half, I didn’t notice and ran the razor up my leg…

    I have to abuse the razor company before I post the pics – I WILL get cash out this somehow. Pain & suffering much?

  36. Comment by nathanv | 01.19.2007 | 6:25 am

    “Cancel all my appointments….I’m gonna need more wax!”


  37. Comment by Boz | 01.19.2007 | 7:06 am

    Here’s the perfect plan – (of course it is, I thought of it, and it worked for me.
    1- Get very fat on a diet of fried, hydrogenated, doughy foods.
    B- Get no exercise.
    d3- Bad marraige, high stress life style.
    4c- Genetic predisposition to dibetes, don’t go for anual check-ups for 8 years.
    F – Develop said diabetes so the hair falls off your legs. The other side effects, such as neurpothic foot pain, vision problem, ED, poking w/ neddles and injecting gila monster saliva every day, do tend to suck. But at least I don’t have to shave my legs.

    Just an idea

  38. Comment by buckythedonkey | 01.19.2007 | 7:46 am

    It’s been done before…

  39. Comment by Kah | 01.19.2007 | 8:43 am

    Just get waxing done – it lasts anywhere from 5 to 10 weeks and when it grows back it’s not stubbly.

  40. Comment by DP Cowboy | 01.19.2007 | 9:50 am

    Okay, comments from the mount…regarding cyclists and shaved legs:

    Tigermouth had it right under 2). See paragraph below.
    Dug has it right when he says he doesn’t care about all the reasons given why…he likes smooth sexy legs…fine.

    The REASON why cyclists ( and especially American) cyclists shave their legs is that European Pros shave their legs, and have for a long time, and we want to look like them. The reason why Euro Pros shave their legs is….drum roll, please…they get Massage every day, or twice a day. Massage is a lot easier with shaved legs. Period. End of story. It isn’t faster, scrapes don’t heal faster, and, according to French men, hair on a body (any body) is preferable, so the ’sexy’ thing doesn’t fly universally, although in Dug’s case (and a lot of other cases, too!).. sexy as a reason is just fine.

  41. Comment by the weak link | 01.19.2007 | 10:50 am

    Never post after you’ve taken Ambien for the night. Never. I’m not even sure what I’m saying in my last one, which is probably just as well.

    The “extra optical inch” is taken from a Panasonic personal groomer advertisement. What it’s refering to, well, ya gotta use yer imagination.

    (Blush, blush).

  42. Comment by bld | 01.19.2007 | 11:32 am

    just wax your legs…been doing that for quite a while and its the best choice. relatively quick and not too painfull, plus it lasts a couple of weeks.

  43. Comment by Earl | 01.19.2007 | 12:10 pm

    Hey Fatty,

    I actually am in the process of having this done to my back. I know, I know. I was just offically tired of looking like a sasquatch. Anyway, its crazy expensive! I’m having my shoulders and back done and its $2400.00. So you can buy an awful lot of razors for that kind of money. The second thing is it hurts. A lot. I think the closest thing to it pain wise is a tatoo. You also have to go in for a minimum of 6 visits (ounce every two months) which takes roughly over a year to do. That mostly has to do with your hairs growth cycle. But it does last forever ounce its done. So there is that. But my personal advise to you, for your legs is to not do it. Its cheaper, easier, a lot less painful and you’ve always got the choice to let it grow back out. I hope that helps a little. Peace out Homie G,


  44. Comment by LanterneRouge | 01.19.2007 | 2:11 pm

    I agree with dug. The best reason to shave your legs is that they look great. That’s what my wife tells me, and I agree. I’m a quite an apeman so when I first did it 3 years ago the difference was shocking and to be honest it seemed not a little teh ghey. That feeling lasted until my wife got home and proved rather lusty, shall we say, in her approval. I use the Schick Intuition because my wife uses it. There’s a soap or creme that surrounds the blade and lubricates the skin just before the blade cuts the hair. I’ve never had a knick or cut or any other problems with it.

    I looked into laser hair removal a while back but the cost was prohibitive.

  45. Comment by LMouse | 01.19.2007 | 2:48 pm

    I must apologize. I said that hairy legs on cyclists was just wrong. Well, I was the one who was wrong. Hairy legs on mtn bikers is definitely oh-so-right. It’s part of that whole rugged look that says “I just don’t care.” Perfect. And blonde guys? Well, let’s face it, blonde guys always look right. As for older folks, we always just look better fully clothed, hairy or not.

  46. Comment by Born4Lycra | 01.20.2007 | 12:13 am

    I’ve given this serious thought. I’m blondish and not very hairy but do spend a fair amount of time in shorts. Playing soccer I used to have to shave my ankles up to mid calf for strapping purposes and it was always commented on by friends that I was a right Nancy for shaving my legs even though it was not that obvious. These days at age 48 I find that the hair on my legs is thinning out naturally (going bald) so no, leg shaving is not for me. However if I could save the extra 5-10 minutes not shaving my face in the morning that would be a huge bonus.
    As a matter of interest I consciously because of this post checked out quite a few legs yesterday (Friday) on the TDU Challenge ride for amateurs and apart from the ladies I saw very few shaved legs. I was quite happy about this.

  47. Comment by Rocky | 01.20.2007 | 3:27 am

    Tsk, tsk. You just like feeling pretty. Not that shaving your legs helps at all. Your timberland legs and pretty in the same sentence – ew.

    That said, I have a few ideas in the way of solutions to your problem.

    1) Have your wife call and get the dirty details. A friend of mine here had his wifey call for him, and he is now slick as a…nevermind.

    2) Some smarty commentor suggested a propane torch. In jest, of course. However, there is the latest celeb trend of hair buring for the stylish, not-just-cut, look. That, of course, is intended only for head hair, and it’s carried out with candles, for the spa effect.

    Local hardware stores carry a propane weed burner that is not such directive heat as is a plumbers propane torch. It’s fairly generalized, low-pressure heat that would not leave burns on your skin. Well, at least not really bad ones. Nothing in the neighborhood of first degree. Have you ever accidentally singed your eyebrows? It takes forever for the hair to return.

    So, I am actually considering doing this myself. But not for my legs. Not that there is anything wrong with it. Hey, aren’t you looking for a science project for one of your kids?

    3) You could just have “I’m a cyclist,” tattooed onto your left calf, and “I’m fast,” tattooed onto the right, which would eliminate the need for shaving your entire legs except for where the tattoos are located. Then you would get the cyclist cred you crave with less wondering and finger-pointing at local establishments, with much less work.

    4) Do you remember when your dad thought was funny to buy silky stockings in the unmentionables section of women’s department stores? Is this the same kind of thing?

  48. Comment by Bdub | 01.20.2007 | 10:56 pm

    I just had laser removal done on my legs, I’ll tell you what I know

    1) It didn’t hurt, the only discomfort was slight and was very similar to the sensation incurred with the use of that medieval device called the epilady. However, the good news is it only felt that way on areas close to the bone (i.e. shins, ankles, knees). Or it could just be that I don’t feel much pain either, on second thought it’ll probably be excruciating for you.
    2) It works best with dark hair and fair skin, so my nurse said using a high spf sunscreen or wearing tights during cycling should be fine to keep your skin in good shape for future laser sessions.
    3) A pretty typical schedule is 5 sessions spaced about 3 months apart. So your looking at around 1.25 years before you get maximum results. Certain companies will also give discounted or free spot treatments if you buy a package.
    4) Side effects are not freakish but are generally confined to transient to permanent discolorations of the treated area, a sunburn effect immediately post treatment, sometimes drying of the skin of the treated area, and of course….BURNS hehe
    5) Uh, I talk to the nurses alot when I go in, and well, guys go in for EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING (use your imagination). So, I think that having your legs done will be a welcome respite from some of their appointments.
    6) Do the whole leg, I think. On second thought, that might make you look like you are wearing Neolithic leotard. Maybe see if you can get a whole body deal…
    7) I paid $2300 for full legs, but in general, the more areas you do, the better deal you get
    8) You actually have TO SHAVE the day of your appointment! So you really don’t get out of shaving altogether.
    9) Mine took about 40 minutes a session
    10) I am doing it because I am incredibly lazy, so much so, that I can’t even be bothered to wax once every 3-4 weeks.
    11) Yeah, I’m thinking you should do it, even if it doesn’t work, it’ll make for fantastic blogging material.

  49. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 01.21.2007 | 3:49 am

    I could think of so many other things I would do with the money you are thinking of spending on this.

  50. Comment by Lurch | 01.22.2007 | 7:53 am

    On the other hand, you could just actually ride your bike a lot, lose some weight and GET fast. That way you can leave the “if you can’t be fast, look fast” shaving for weenies.

  51. Comment by Al Maviva | 01.22.2007 | 8:02 am

    I kind of like Rocky’s flamethrower suggestion. If you can locate some pressurized napalm, a friend who collects WWII militaria could probably hook you up with a real M-2 flamethrower for 50 or 75 bucks. My godfather – who carried a flamethrower at Iwo Jima and later again in Korea – explains that for permanent depilation, you would have to retreat into a cave and fire out the mouth of the cave sporadically. Rocky or Dug would then find a Marine who graduated Quantico or Parris Island circa 1942 to operate the vintage flamethrower, and, according to my godfather, “it’ll take all the motherloving hair off your lousy bicycle-riding Tojo-loving friend in a New York minute.” According to him, after a good 10 second blast with the M-2, “I guarantee you the little pedal pusher won’t need a second treatment… though I’d suggest you stick the little bugger once or twice with a bayonet just to make sure, and check to make sure he isn’t booby-trapped.” Now, my godfather came back from WWII pretty twisted if you ask me, and I think he needs to let bygones be bygones. For instance, I think he went wayyyy overboard when he burnt down that Toyota dealership (they’re made in Ohio now Pops, ferchrissakes), and the ‘elves’ at Macy’s weren’t amused when I took him Christmas shopping last year, and he started chucking Nintendo consoles into the pond at Santa’s Wonderland. So his depilatory “bedside manner” is probably inferior to your average dermatologist’s. But if you want to save $2500, he’s the man to see.*

    *Ps. Yeah, that’s mostly jokey BS like most of what I write, but the cross-cultural aspects of leg shaving put me in mind of my family’s military experiences in Asia. My Godfather and father both served in Korea, and Godfather served in WWII in the Pacific as well. Even aside from the trauma of combat, they carried some baggage stemming simply from the culture shock. Funniest thing my father ever said about the intersection of Asian and American culture was over lunch one day. I took him to a fancy restaurant that served nouvelle cuisine. He looks at the menu and says, “G**d***ed tempura… it’s nothing but fried chicken and fried shrimp, but these idiots will pay dearly for anything with a Japanese name on it.” He didn’t ride but if he did, I think he’d be religiously devoted to the new SRAM gruppo just on principle. Somehow, I don’t think he and godfather would have been leg shavers…

  52. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Answer a Dumb Question, Win the Coolest Jersey in the World | 01.22.2007 | 1:15 pm

    [...] « The Allure of Never Shaving Again [...]

  53. Comment by Jessica | 04.22.2007 | 6:01 pm

    Hi, I have to say that was the funniest post I’ve ever read about laser hair removal.

    YES IT HURTS!! If it doesn’t hurt it isn’t working! I’ve had four treatments, the first two didn’t hurt and were not nearly as effective as the last two.

    It takes 6 to 10 treatments spaced 6 to 12 weeks apart — So 1 to 2 years of NO SUN!

    You can save money by getting packages, but maybe you want to try a small area first and see if it is for you. Also if you sign up for the clinics emails you can get special promotional deals – like buy the legs get the back done free.

    I’ve kept a detailed journal of my laser hair removal process with pictures at Please check it out if you want to know what the treatments are like.

    Make sure you go to a good place with a good laser. If you have light skin & dark hair the best laser for you is Candela GentleLase. If you google them the site has a list of clinics in your area.

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  57. Comment by Charlie | 08.17.2008 | 5:38 am

    You all are absolutely hysterical. Great reading.

    I am on here learning about the leg shaving thing. I am a newbie cyclist (big time BMXer 20 years back though), but I stay on the bike so the road rash reasoning does not do it for me. I will shave when the injury comes.

    What I get are LOTS, but nor horribly bad ‘heat bumps’, ingrown hairs or pimples on my upper thighs. With my bike shorts and lots of riding, these usually take forever to heal and often get worse until I have to wear a bandaid on them.

    I am going to give the shaving a shot to see if no hair will make it easier to keep the bacteria and etc. out of there. Of course I shower after I ride and exfoliate like Miss August taught me in the shower, but I am training for a 75 mile ride and I am thinking the longer training rides and the hair being torn all about under the shorts is the root cause… f* it, pun intended.

    Hopefully shaving will do the trick. After reading this I have a bag full of excuses in case I need to defend my position in the ugly run up to a post-ride bar brawl.

    Charlie says go to the SPCA TODAY!!!! Bring home a best friend or four.


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