I Contemplate My Shins, And Find Them Wanting

06.5.2007 | 6:00 am

Some Jersey-Related Notes from Fatty: Before I launch into my self-absorbed essay today, I want to mention a few jersey-related items, OK?

  • Thanks to everyone who’s bought themselves either a pink jersey or one of the originals. If you haven’t gotten one or the other yet, they’re still available over at Twin Six. A lot of you were asking when various sizes for the original jersey were going to be available again, and now’s your chance: every size but XXXL (already sold out of those, need to make sure we order more of that size next time) is available, in-stock, and ready to ship. And, of course, be sure to check out the orange socks, pink socks, and t-shirts.
  • A lot of people have asked where in the world the jerseys are going. Well, they’re scattered throughout the world. Lots of them in the US, of course, but you’ll also find them in the UK, Japan, Ireland, France, Germany, Canada, Malta, the Virgin Islands, New Zealand, Finland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark (yes, every Scandinavian country is represented!) and — by far more than anywhere else besides the US — Australia.
  • Guess how much I’ve spent on postage so far? No, seriously, guess. I’ll give the person with the closest guess (in case of a tie, the person who posts first wins) a jersey (limited to sizes I’ve got on-hand, which is everything but XXL and XXXL). One guess per person, OK?
  • If you’re in the B7 and you’re doing better than I am, tell me what size of jersey you’ll want if you win. I want to make sure that anyone who beats me in the Banjo Brothers Big Bad Bulky Biker Bodyfat challenge will have a jersey in their size waiting for them. Not that I intend to let anyone win, but I at least have to be open to the possibility. Click here to read the thread and post what size you’ll want. (Oh, and if you’re losing, get ready to pay up, sucka. I ain’t letting anyone off the hook.)

What I Think About When On Long Rides
I recently went on and on and on about my experience riding the Kokopelli Trail in one day. One thing I didn’t talk about, however, was that there were long, long stretches of trail where there’s nothing to do but pedal. Nobody to talk to, no turns to make, no wildlife to dodge.

Ostensibly, this is why you do this kind of ride in the first place. It’s a chance to be truly introspective. Your body is busy, but your mind is not — a perfect chance to think, ponder, contemplate, and otherwise find out what’s actually inside your head.

So, then, what is it that occupies my mind when I have a chance to go deep inside myself? What is the substance of my sublime insight?

The answer would surprise you, I’m sure, except I gave it away in the headline to today’s post (stupid of me, really, since I’ve been building and building and building as if you didn’t already know where I’m headed).

I think about my shins.

But First, A Word About My Quads
I don’t start my contemplation at my shins, though. No sirree. I start with my quads. I do this because — even though I am riding through landscape with beauty so vast and exquisite that it should make a grown man weep — when I’m on a long ride, I tend to keep my head down. And when I do that, well, there they are: my quads. Moving up and down and up and down, endlessly.

A couple of observations about my quads:

  • My quads are well-muscled. Thirteen years of cycling have yielded a very nice set of quads. They’re both large and well-defined. I would not go so far as to say that my quads are the peak of perfection, but if you were to pick 100 people off the street at random, demand they show you their quads, and then objectively compare them to my quads, you would probably get arrested. But you would also find out that my quads are nicer than 98 of those other random sets of quads.
  • My legs now do the cycling motion without my thinking about it. Years of riding have yielded a not-half-bad pedaling motion. I no longer have to consciously do an upstroke; it’s just there. I no longer have to think about riding close to my limit without going over it. My legs know where that point is. And in fact, if I start thinking about the pedaling motion, that’s when I get into trouble. I start pedaling squares. I start pushing myself into the red zone. I smack my knee into my nose and then fall over sideways. That’s embarrassing. 
  • My quads are nicely tanned. The four-inch area from where my shorts end to my knees is a nice, golden brown. And why not? That area sees a lot of sunlight.

And that, you see, is where I start thinking about my shins.

My Shins Are Stupid
After adoring my quads for a moment, my attention drifts downward and I can’t help — no matter how hard I try — but look at my shins.

My shins, I am ashamed to say, are as pale as they were in February. They’re bumpy and scarred.

They are, in short, ugly.

There’s not much I can do about the bumpiness of my shins. And I’m even twistedly proud of all the scars. Those scars are story-telling opportunities (some of these stories are true, and some of them are interesting).

But I wish they’d darken up a bit.

The problem is, they’re always in the shade. My broad and well-muscled back prevents any sunlight whatsoever from getting to my shins. Plants die from lack of sunlight when I ride by. It’s that bad.

True story: Having thought about my shins for some time, when it came time to apply sunscreen during the KTR, I applied it everywhere except my shins. I wanted to see if I would get sunburned shins after riding with them unprotected in the sunlight for fifteen hours.

The result? Not only did they not get sunburned, but my shins didn’t even get a little bit of color. They stayed pasty white, as, I’m afraid, they will stay forever.

It’s a shame. A tragedy, really.

A Cry for Help
I confess: I look at other riders’ shins. Based on my observations, it seems that I am the only cyclist with pale shins.

The world is so unfair.

I ask: how can I bring my shin color up to snuff? Must I sit in the sun? Go to a tanning salon? Tattoo the entirety of my shins light brown?

I’m desperate here, people. Help me.

PS: Evidently, Team Shannifer — the team I asked you to vote for to be sponsored by Race Face for the Trans Alp challenge — actually won. (Click here, then click “The Teams” to see the results.) Furthermore, they evidently won by only a narrow margin at the very end of the contest, which is when I asked you to vote for them. I think it’s clear that we were the deciding factor in their victory, and they now owe us. Big time.

141 Comments

  1. Comment by LanterneRouge | 06.5.2007 | 9:35 am

    Postage guess: $2424

  2. Comment by monkeywebb | 06.5.2007 | 9:36 am

    If I had a chance of coming in first at anything I’d let everyone know it, too. And like you I’d start by letting my competitors pick out what they’d like if they, by some miracle of chance, were to win. I’m going to continue to do my best but you have me intimidated. Nicely done.

    I’m guessing you’ve spent $976 on postage so far, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you were far over that. A couple years ago I spent my $500 tax refund by giving away a t-shirt from my collection to anybody who requested one on my blog. I asked everyone to make a donation to their favorite charity in exchange…I hope they donated more than my mailing expenses. The postage cost so much I gave up the blog a couple months later. The shirt collection has blossomed again but I can’t afford to get rid of them… In the end you’re a better man than I.

  3. Comment by Big Boned | 06.5.2007 | 9:39 am

    Postage guess – $1672.01

  4. Comment by wndnh2o | 06.5.2007 | 9:46 am

    postage guess: $4,500

  5. Comment by jill | 06.5.2007 | 9:50 am

    My guess is $3,512.57.

    But whatever the number, I really hope you didn’t pay all the postage out of your pocket.

  6. Comment by Boz | 06.5.2007 | 9:50 am

    Sorry FC, but your shins are great compared to mine. Scars, blotches, dents ect… If you had an ugly shin race, I’d have more yellow jerseys than Lance what’s his name. Lucky my calves haven’t run away in horror.
    My guess – $706.00.

  7. Comment by Al Maviva | 06.5.2007 | 9:55 am

    $1355.77 As for improving the skin tone on your shins… be born Italian, or maybe Mexican. That’s how you get dark shins. Mine are dark honey colored. I get tanned riding in the winter, fer gosh sakes. By the way, I think I know why you crash so much. You spend all your time looking down at your thighs. You might want to consider eyeballing the road. Y’know. Once in a while. Just for a change. Either that, or drop your seat down real low, so that in merely looking at your own thighs, you are actually looking forward, and checking out the road at the same time. Sure, this will goof up your center of gravity and make you excessively wheelie-prone, but look on the bright side – all the new scars will be on your ‘well-muscled’ back.

    BTW, did you really admiringly call your back and your legs ‘well-muscled’ up there? You sound like you have a man crush on yourself. That’s kind of teh ghey, you know… you might want to stick to admiring your eating ability, which is actuallly impressive and could be described as ‘voracious,’ ‘impressive-but-not-in-a-good-way,’ or ‘horrifying.’ Gross as it might be, it would ratchet down the ick factor a couple notches. Kudos though, on proper use of the hyphen in ‘well-muscled.’

  8. Comment by Al Maviva | 06.5.2007 | 9:56 am

    $1355.77 As for improving the skin tone on your shins… be born Italian, or maybe Mexican. That’s how you get dark shins. Mine are dark honey colored. I get tanned riding in the winter, fer gosh sakes. By the way, I think I know why you crash so much. You spend all your time looking down at your thighs. You might want to consider eyeballing the road. Y’know. Once in a while. Just for a change. Either that, or drop your seat down real low, so that in merely looking at your own thighs, you are actually looking forward, and checking out the road at the same time. Sure, this will goof up your center of gravity and make you excessively wheelie-prone, but look on the bright side – all the new scars will be on your ‘well-muscled’ back.

    BTW, did you really admiringly call your back and your legs ‘well-muscled’ up there? You sound like you have a man crush on yourself. That’s kind of teh ghey, you know… you might want to stick to admiring your eating ability, which is actuallly impressive and could be described as ‘voracious,’ ‘impressive-but-not-in-a-good-way,’ or ‘horrifying.’ Gross as it might be, it would ratchet down the ick factor a couple notches. Kudos though, on proper use of the hyphen in ‘well-muscled.’

  9. Comment by Den | 06.5.2007 | 9:56 am

    postage guess: $$1801.35

  10. Comment by GenghisKhan | 06.5.2007 | 10:01 am

    Regarding the shin problem, just let your hair grow back on your shins and it should help darken ‘em up a bit. As to postage to date, assuming US dollars, I’d guess about $876.68. Cheers!

  11. Comment by Adam | 06.5.2007 | 10:10 am

    My guess us 1 dollar

  12. Comment by LanterneRouge | 06.5.2007 | 10:10 am

    Why is your nose so close to your knees? What are you looking for down there? Is this some new cycling position that you learned from Graeme Obree? The ostrich position perhaps? Maybe your huge bulbous noggin which is just inches away from your knees is blocking the sun? Why am I writing in questions?

  13. Comment by Lowrydr | 06.5.2007 | 10:10 am

    Here’s my shot at the postage 480.46 USPS + 365.45 UPS = 845.91 And if I win I’ll take an XL.
    Now about that tan on the shins, Al Maviva had it close. The bike you need to ride is called a recumbent. Gets your shins right up there in the SUN and also work on the upper quads for that rounded out look. Not that I’m looking or anything. To get rid of those excess bumps just smack them with a hammer every now and then. I’m sure some of your local friends would willingly (is that even a word) help with this project.

  14. Comment by Adam | 06.5.2007 | 10:10 am

    My guess is 1 dollar

  15. Comment by Brewinman | 06.5.2007 | 10:11 am

    My guess: $947.56 USD
    You do know that tanning is your body’s way of telling you that your skin is being damaged, right?
    Revel in your pale shins, knowing that that particular area of skin is untouched by the hurtful and ruinous rays of the sun.
    We will just sit here wearing sunglasses and commenting on the exquisite glow emanating from your pearly white appendages…

  16. Comment by Brewinman | 06.5.2007 | 10:13 am

    My guess: $547.56 USD
    You do know that tanning is your body’s way of telling you that your skin is being damaged, right?
    Revel in your pale shins, knowing that that particular area of skin is untouched by the hurtful and ruinous rays of the sun.
    We will just sit here wearing sunglasses and commenting on the exquisite glow emanating from your pearly white appendages…

  17. Comment by Mark W | 06.5.2007 | 10:14 am

    postage: i would guess $1750.

    I stare at other cyclist’s legs and more often see bigger quads and better defined calves than mine. For me the muscular look is more important than the tone of your skin.

    How about wearing knee-length socks to cover up your pale skin? Get a 70’s look and probably would get a lot of attention.

    Mark in Vancouver

  18. Comment by Brewinman | 06.5.2007 | 10:18 am

    I know, I know, nice azspritzen.
    Stupid computer…

  19. Comment by cheapie | 06.5.2007 | 10:30 am

    pale shins? this from the guy that’s wearing knee-high smartwool socks in all his pics? ha!

    $1098

  20. Comment by Badder | 06.5.2007 | 10:31 am

    My guess is $856

    I can’t believe I just spent 10 minutes reading about somebodies shins.

  21. Comment by Husted | 06.5.2007 | 10:32 am

    Hey, should I be worried that Denmark didn’t make the list?
    *snif* I also want my shirt.

    As for your problem, stop shaving your shins. They will look tanned AND keep your warm during winter.

  22. Comment by JEB | 06.5.2007 | 10:33 am

    Postage SWAG: $3,250.17

  23. Comment by DOM | 06.5.2007 | 10:36 am

    Lowryder has a great suggestion. Some technical terrain on a recumbent would have to make a great video for the site. One advantage, I would think, would be a shorter fall. Then again, a shorter fall probably means fewer interesting scars.

    Postage guess: $2987.47

  24. Comment by cincy_14 | 06.5.2007 | 10:38 am

    Postage: $2600

  25. Comment by barry1021 | 06.5.2007 | 10:43 am

    Dear FC
    For most males, even ones who cycle, if they are going to pick “100 people off the street at random” to check out their quads, they are going to pick 100 people of the opposing, female variety sex. That’s just the way it is. Now maybe, just maybe, when we’re riding, and we see some spectacular male quads ahead of us, we acknowledge them, in terms of “oh that guy can ride” analysis but that is it. We never never never admire quads on the street attached to other males. Don’t know what this says about you, but Al’s “man crush” term seems appropriate.
    Second, your gloating about your lead in the B7 is downright irritating. I will concede that you are well ahead of me, but if you note my comment with the June results, I have started my new diet of eating only “when necessary”. This is sure to produce spectacular results, and if I survive, I am confident of at least a tie.

    Nice azspritzen Al

    Postage $999.99 American

  26. Comment by mark | 06.5.2007 | 10:50 am

    My guess is you’re into it $1000 on the postage. Hopefully the cost of the jersey is helping to cover that.

    I’m pretty sure my shins are as ugly as yours. Or at least they would be if they weren’t covered with hair. I’ve decided the time has come to get serious about my Lotoja training and shave my legs. Anyone have any tips to help a man with reasonably hairy legs get them clean? Moreover, how high up should I shave? My wife said if I’m going to do it to go full Telly Savalas, if you know what I mean, but I’ve got to believe (or at least hope) that she was joking on that one.

  27. Comment by spbarnes | 06.5.2007 | 10:51 am

    Brewinman, it is only a nice azspritzen if the $ amounts are the same.

    Off road riding on the ‘bent is just a ploy to get you hurt, Fatty. Shorter

    distance to fall? Sure. More falls? Oh, yes. You will end up with LOTS

    of new scars to go with a spiffy new shin tan.

    Postage guess: $1515.15

  28. Comment by Logan | 06.5.2007 | 10:51 am

    Postage- $665.99

    I’m afraid the shins problem is yours and yours alone. Though my knees are much darker, my shins are still pretty tan. The rest of me is translucent though because of my natural foggy irish skin tone.

  29. Comment by Rick S. | 06.5.2007 | 10:56 am

    Postage guess – $3513

    I noticed you checking out my shins on Monday’s ride. Stop it.

  30. Comment by gian | 06.5.2007 | 10:57 am

    My shins are just as dark as the rest of my legs. So I don’t know how to help you other than to suggest riding into the sun instead of away from it.

    shipping= $3427.72

  31. Comment by mark | 06.5.2007 | 11:00 am

    Barry, for what it’s worth, my orthopedic surgeon said “that’s a nice quad” when evaluating my knee a couple months ago. He even asked me to flex for him. I was flattered, even if it was a bit weird.

    Then the next time I went in, as he was injecting my knee with cortizone, coming into the joint from the top, he mentioned that he uses that technique because he has a lot of obese patients, and they have so much fat around the joint that the needle isn’t long enough to reach going in from the front. Suddenly I was less flattered by the quad comment on the previous visit.

  32. Comment by TG | 06.5.2007 | 11:03 am

    Postage guess $1,416

    FC, I suffer from the same affliction. I have tried many remedies. The best for me, being a girl, is Avon skin firming lotion for legs. It is tinted. It will even out uneven skin tones.

  33. Comment by sans auto | 06.5.2007 | 11:06 am

    Postage-$986.43
    Shins-baby oil

    Baby oil applied to skin will increase the tanning (or burning) process. I did this for a ride once, and it really worked. It also caused bugs, dirt and road gunk to stick to my legs which blocked the sun and caused little white dots all over my legs.

  34. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 06.5.2007 | 11:08 am

    Postage- $545

    Mark- use nair for your first time, that will get rid of a lot of the bulk, but use the sensitive skin formula. After that you can wax with Sally Hansen pre-waxed strips if you’re man enough, or just get a nice multi-blade razor and some beard buster shave cream (helps on thick leg hairs) and be careful of nicks. Use a dark towel for the first while if you shave so you don’t get blood on the nice white ones.

    I used to have nice white towels.

  35. Comment by regina | 06.5.2007 | 11:13 am

    postage 1001.13

  36. Comment by bikemike | 06.5.2007 | 11:20 am

    1 meeelyun dollars, bwaaahaaaa!

    just wear shin guards all the time, no one will notice. makes you either very daring or extremely geeky.

  37. Comment by Jeffy | 06.5.2007 | 11:24 am

    I’ve nothing to say about quads or shins, but guess you’ve spent $1793.45 (whoa!) so far. Jeffy

  38. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 06.5.2007 | 11:30 am

    $2500ish or more. I’ll get back to you about the shins. I’m just going out on a 3 hour ride so I’ll do a comparative analysis to help validate your claims.

  39. Comment by Dave | 06.5.2007 | 11:35 am

    Postage: $1268.11, is this contest like the price is right? closest without going over?

    As far as shins go, I used to have the same problem. Then I changed jobs. My commute home sends me due east for 5 miles which tans my calf’s nicely then I cross the Columbia River and head due west for 5 miles facing the sun and tanning the front of my shins nicely.

    My former job had me riding due north to work then south coming home which put the sun on my right side the entire time. My right side was much darker than the other side. It’s not as neat as it sounds.

    dave

  40. Comment by Kathy | 06.5.2007 | 11:36 am

    Adam, I think you’ve been brainwashed by “The Price Is Right.” Fatty said the closest guess, not “without going over.” My guess is $619.

    And on long rides, or just about any ride, I never think of my quads or shins, but occasionally think of my knees. I have mediocre knees right now and am trying to avoid “bad” knees in the future. I think about using my muscles and not straining my knees when I pedal. Will this actually help? Who knows? But at least I’m not obsessed with my legs, which just happen to be toned, evenly tanned, long, lean and pretty freakin’ functional on a bike!

  41. Comment by MTB W | 06.5.2007 | 11:37 am

    postage – $2,606

  42. Comment by Carrie | 06.5.2007 | 11:39 am

    Maybe try some self tanner??

    I’ll gues $2455.00 in postage. The jerseys are awesome BTW.

  43. Comment by Lowrydr | 06.5.2007 | 11:39 am

    Of course I meant on the road for the Bent, but the thought of Fatty going off road is interesting in and of itself. Maybe he could wear that stunt cam that made me so sick last time I watched it. And be sure to narrate a little better too. The screaming should be exceptional. And the scars show up on the Glutes not shins. (don’t ask, don’t show)

  44. Comment by Novafrk in Indy | 06.5.2007 | 11:43 am

    I’m ballparking a shipping cost of $1966.47. The odd pennies works on ebay why not here too. Looking forward to getting my fatcyclist gear.

  45. Comment by Bent022 | 06.5.2007 | 11:52 am

    Postage guess – $1871.17, I might as well take a guess since Fatty will most likely, barring a miracle, beat me in the B7 and I want a free FC jersey.
    I do not think a recumbent is the answer, my shins are pale and I ride a recumbent.

  46. Comment by Jevans | 06.5.2007 | 11:55 am

    I guess $2256.00

  47. Comment by barry1021 | 06.5.2007 | 12:07 pm

    SPBarnes–GREAT catch on Brewinman’s feeble attempt to credit himself with an azspritzen when a change had been made between the two posts. Brewinman, you are lucky that there is no formal etiquette to the use of azspritzen, because if there were, you certainly violated it. For shame.

    Mark-thank you for pointing out the Medical Exemption for male on male quad recognition. However if you find that your surgeon’s hand contact is lingering too long or is slipping to the “wrong places”, best seek out a new doc immediately. Unless you enjoy that, in which case there is nothing wrong with that (look at me, pc, yippee).
    As for the obese comment, well, I think we need to take solace in the fattening of America (but not on this blog of course). Because with the ascension of world economies and the stupidity of our Congressional leadership in its attempt to regulate our few competitive industries, it won’t be long until the only thing we have left is feeding, sheltering and medicating our fat selves.

    b21

  48. Comment by rexinsea | 06.5.2007 | 12:12 pm

    Knee hitting you nose huh? If I didn’t know better I’d say you were in aero bars on a *gasp* triathlon bike. Say it isn’t so Fatty!

    Postage guess: US $1462.50

  49. Comment by Caren | 06.5.2007 | 12:25 pm

    Oh My GAWD! I am more than worried that I’m beginning to think like the FC! My husband and I were just having this conversation about how our shins don’t get as much sun as our quads and hence are pale in comparison! And I have yet to when preparing for a cycling ride EVER put sunscreen on that part of my body! The only indication of sun reaching that part of our bodies is that we do eventually get a sock tan line!!

    The difference is that we don’t worry about how to compensate for this deficiency!!

    Caren

    I am protesting the price is right guess since you haven’t told us how many you mailed. And didn’t you say if you live outside the US you had to pay your for the postage – so does that count in this guess? Yes, I think too much, but here’s my postage guess anyway: US $1,753.49

  50. Comment by cyclechic | 06.5.2007 | 12:28 pm

    Regarding you’re shin issue:
    Keep a really bright light close to you’re shins while you are posting on this website. This should work with a good desk lamp. If you start noticing you’re shins getting whiter…you know it’s time to post more.

    My Guess: $2727.75

  51. Comment by rich | 06.5.2007 | 12:32 pm

    Im guessing you used usps flat rate boxes which cost:
    $8.95 (us) X 200 = $1790 +
    $23 (canada & mexico) X 25 = $575 +
    $37 (other foreign) X 50 = $1850
    = $4215

  52. Comment by Lins - Australia | 06.5.2007 | 12:46 pm

    $1600

    Le Tan: ride into morning and afternoon sun. Tanless shins aren’t helped by riding off road as the the dirt sticks to your lower legs and provides natures block out.

    At a recent MTB race a group of guys were commenting that their mate (with shaved legs) never collected any dirt on his legs. They call him Mr Teflon.

  53. Comment by swtkaroline | 06.5.2007 | 12:53 pm

    $1857 for the mailing of the goods.

    I once burned my shins so badly while on a fishing trip in Belize that I think I melted all the melanin from the skin there. My knees and feet get goddess bronzed now (on the rare occasions when I leave the house during daylight hours–have I mentioned I’m in Arizona? And it’s summer?), but my shins…blinding in their lack of pigment. Their reflective quality lends them well to the task of doubling as a safety feature during night rides.

  54. Comment by Token Skinny Guy | 06.5.2007 | 1:13 pm

    My shins are perfect, so I have no idea what you’re talking about. They have the same tonal consistency as the rest of my legs and- Oh my god, I’m evaluating my shins! For another guy! Lets just, ah, move away from the whole shins thing and onto… postage! Yes, postage. That’ll work. My guess is $1725.25 in whatever currency gets me closest. And no, that’s not cheating. It’s manipulating the facts in order to secure a more favourable outcome.

  55. Comment by cj | 06.5.2007 | 1:22 pm

    You could just set up a parabolic mirror on your downtube to reflect all light at your shins, or at least the inside of your shins. Or you could strip the paint from your ride and polish to a mirrored shine.

    My shipping guess: $1395.12

  56. Comment by chtrich | 06.5.2007 | 1:26 pm

    Postage – $2618
    And congrats to Shannifer. Glad we could all do our part.
    Nice to you have you writing your funny stuff again Fatty!!

  57. Comment by rogarr | 06.5.2007 | 1:28 pm

    It only took half a second of contemplating my shins to realize how embarrassing it would be to admit that I was. My guess 1120.30

  58. Comment by Camille | 06.5.2007 | 1:35 pm

    I’ve got the white shins curse, too. I have no solutions for you. We’re doomed! I’m going to say your postage amounts so far to $18,560.

  59. Comment by Mocougfan | 06.5.2007 | 1:36 pm

    I refuse to comment on looking, touching, or thinking about other male legs. Except to say that getting called out for a fake aspritzen was pretty dang hellarious. I will state however, that postage cost you exactly $2624.75.

  60. Comment by seven22 | 06.5.2007 | 1:38 pm

    I like Big Mike In Oz’s guess so I guess I’ll guess $1325ish, plus or minus a little.

  61. Comment by Wheels | 06.5.2007 | 1:53 pm

    I really like cj’s idea of using mirrors to tan those shins. Brilliant. Postage might be $3021.22.

  62. Comment by RoadRash | 06.5.2007 | 2:04 pm

    I’ll guess 500 jerseys * $4.50 per = $2,250

    I’ve been thinking about my quads on rides too. You see they still bump into my beer gut when I’m in riding in the drops. I figure if I can lose another 15 lbs. I should have proper gut clearance…

  63. Comment by LMouse | 06.5.2007 | 2:05 pm

    Ugly shins, you say? Well, now you’ve inadvertantly happened upon my particular area of expertise. It’s a subject about which I am more than happy to opine.

    But first…I have no idea how much the shipping has cost you and I don’t want to know because it would probably just make me upset. You shouldn’t have to be paying a lot of shipping costs.

    Did anybody ever work out the sizing on the women’s jerseys? What’s the story on that?

    Now then, the road maps I call my shins must be covered with something, even if its just a good tan. Of course, tights are ideal, but unless you live in San Francisco, they’re too hot in the summertime. So I recommend Jergen’s Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer Medium Tan Skin Tones. Apply it everyday and after one week, you’ll have a smooth, even tan. It really evens out that farmer tan we all know and love. It even has tiny glitter particles in it that give your tan a dewy, youthful glow!

  64. Comment by Sophia | 06.5.2007 | 2:24 pm

    Um…..$3,500. I hope you didn’t really have to pay that much, though.

  65. Comment by the weak link | 06.5.2007 | 2:30 pm

    Postage — I think it’s a trick question, so I’m guessing about $50.

    Shin problem, only one answer. Spalm ‘em up and wear Assos full-length bib pants, so to give you the luxury body that you are to be so deserving.

  66. Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 06.5.2007 | 2:37 pm

    Postage guess is and I hope I am wrong because I like the idea of it being nothing is $US2400 (over $3000 in Oz money). This comp is probably the reason why you have not announced just how many Orange tops have been sold. Looking at the Twin6’s postage rates and I assume you have to use the same it could be a bit expensive.

    Regards shins mine look like they belong to a 50 year old ex Soccer player that thought it made him quicker and less likely to cramp if he played without shinguards. I find the lumps, scars and dead bits on my shins tan or don’t tan at different rates therefore creating a rather blotchy mess which tends to glow at different levels of luminance depending on the recently completed exercise level. An hour later they are back to their rather ugly normal. I’ve just noticed my left shin is much darker than my right. Oh and my ankles are stunning!

  67. Comment by jon | 06.5.2007 | 2:54 pm

    postage: $3472

  68. Comment by MAJ Mike | 06.5.2007 | 3:00 pm

    $2736.42

  69. Comment by Yukirin Boy | 06.5.2007 | 3:07 pm

    my guess $2354.41

    I too am a member of the pale shin club. I thought their hairiness might be a cause and am conemplating shaving and looking even more ridiculous – pale white, hairless shins anyone?
    What make it worse is my calf muscles are the same nice tanned colour as my quads – and the back of my thighs and knees pale too. – A strange patchwork, the whole effect is pathetic.
    I once had a pair of string-backed gloves too and ended up with hands that looked like the front paws of a cheetah!
    I decided the only way was all over SPF30+ sunblock and be pale all over.

  70. Comment by Roland | 06.5.2007 | 3:10 pm

    Anybody in Canada get there jersey yet?

    You spent $3124.65

  71. Comment by mark | 06.5.2007 | 3:28 pm

    Mrs. Coach, thanks for the tip. I’ll give the Nair a try. I realize this is a personal thing, but how high do you go? To the top of where your knee warmers would go?

  72. Comment by Jeremy | 06.5.2007 | 3:29 pm

    My shipping guess is $2900

  73. Comment by barry1021 | 06.5.2007 | 3:59 pm

    Mccougfan said
    I refuse to comment on looking, touching, or thinking about other male legs. Except to say that getting called out for a fake aspritzen was pretty dang hellarious.

    Mccougfan are you brewinman?? You speak of a fake azspritzen (spell check!!) under a different name?? My patience has run out–you are in Time Out!

    b21

  74. Comment by Philly Jen | 06.5.2007 | 4:21 pm

    Hey, Fatty, I spotted an orange FC jersey on my Saturday morning ride down King Drive. Very exciting, I called out across the street and we stopped to chat. (Hi, Neil! Hi, other Neil, friend of Neil!) It’s always cool when the Intertubes meet up with 3-D First Life, espcially by happenstance.

    Postage guess: 3,141.59

    Can anybody recommend a high-SPF sunblock that doesn’t need constant, frequent reapplication? I brown instantly (with a st00pid tan line from a single ride this weekend, while wearing SPF 30). And are those spray-on sunscreens any good?

    (BTW…what’s an azspritzen?)

  75. Comment by Big Boned | 06.5.2007 | 4:29 pm

    This

  76. Comment by Big Boned | 06.5.2007 | 4:29 pm

    This

  77. Comment by Rider34 | 06.5.2007 | 4:40 pm

    $2183.69.

    Damn, Fatty it looks like you are dipping into the Italy fund before the jerseys ever show up! Shipping is a real beeotch. Should have cut some kind of deal with DHL for a “charitable” donation or something.

    I think that the reason you can’t tan your lower legs is because you wear those silly looking socks all the time (reference the leg-warmer post and pictures). Try flip flops bro. Without the socks this time!!! Let the sunshine in.

  78. Comment by barry1021 | 06.5.2007 | 4:46 pm

    Big Boned

    Nice explanatory azspritzen-extra credit.

    b21

  79. Comment by Dave | 06.5.2007 | 5:00 pm

    postage guess – $741

  80. Comment by joliver3 | 06.5.2007 | 5:39 pm

    $772.11

  81. Comment by Amy | 06.5.2007 | 5:52 pm

    2685.95

  82. Comment by my middle name is fred | 06.5.2007 | 5:58 pm

    $4,327

  83. Comment by dblink0 | 06.5.2007 | 6:03 pm

    Postage guess $75, to bribe your office mail clerk. You did sneak them in to your work’s mail room right.

    What about an actual size for those quads. You know something for us mere mortals to shoot for.

    Love the Matisse & Jacks TrailBlaze. Tried them out on a local century and it was great.

  84. Comment by TimK | 06.5.2007 | 6:08 pm

    postage equals an infinite number of “Forever” stamps or $804.

    I suggest eating enough to obstruct the view of your shins so you don’t worry about them as much or mashing your own grapes for wine.

    The only complaint I have about my sins is the permanent balds spots I have from sock rub. I could shave or wax the rest of my legs to match, but then smooth legs would mean I’m taking this stuff to seriously.

  85. Comment by TimK | 06.5.2007 | 6:08 pm

    postage equals an infinite number of “Forever” stamps or $804.

    I suggest eating enough to obstruct the view of your shins so you don’t worry about them as much or mashing your own grapes for wine.

    The only complaint I have about my sins is the permanent balds spots I have from sock rub. I could shave or wax the rest of my legs to match, but then smooth legs would mean I’m taking this stuff too seriously.

  86. Comment by Mocougfan | 06.5.2007 | 6:11 pm

    b21,

    A thousand apologies on not using spell check. I noticed it too late, and refused to committ a pseudo azspritzen to fix it. But I still don’t want to talk about your legs.

  87. Comment by VeloCC | 06.5.2007 | 6:30 pm

    I suggest, what I did during my last XC race, go right through the middle of the biggest MUD…nobody will notice your pale legs anymore:)

    As for the postage, I hope, after sending out the first batch, you handled out a good deal with Twin Six, but I would say, you spent $1313.13 (13 is my lucky number).

    I’d like a pink ladies large. I will happily order one though to help the cause.
    Plus I am excited that I don’t need an XL:) I have literally riding my butt off…and lost 10 lbs so far. Still far from my goal. Until then, I keep on pedaling:)

  88. Comment by Heffalump | 06.5.2007 | 6:48 pm

    $2377.53

  89. Comment by Josh Morse | 06.5.2007 | 6:48 pm

    $3050. XL.

  90. Comment by Heffalump | 06.5.2007 | 6:49 pm

    $2377.53

  91. Comment by mrLee | 06.5.2007 | 7:33 pm

    Ride a recumbent for hours on a sunny day with no socks, your shins will toast.
    $972.50, BTW

  92. Comment by Dawn M. | 06.5.2007 | 7:41 pm

    I’m hoping it’s a trick question and you spent $0 on shipping.

    I ordered a pink jersey… I can’t wait for it to arrive, but is it bad karma to wear it at a triathlon?

  93. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 06.5.2007 | 7:49 pm

    I’m also shooting for the low end as far as shipping goes and gonna say $50. No doubt you worked out some sort of deal or got some sort of deal thanks to your smooth talkin ways. And I am too cursed with white shins, however, I fix this by spending time in a fishing boat. For some reason, I always burn my shins in a boat, since my quads and calves and beautifully tanned already.

  94. Comment by Debamundo | 06.5.2007 | 7:52 pm

    $1875.00

  95. Comment by VA Biker | 06.5.2007 | 7:53 pm

    500pcs x US$5.25 avg for all packages sent and those ready to go = $2625.

    I have to agree with Lowrydr. The moving lawn chair, a.k.a. a recumbent should solve your problems. Only hindrance is you’re a back injury and/or 20 yrs premature in getting a ‘bent.

  96. Comment by eclecticdeb@yahoo.com | 06.5.2007 | 8:19 pm

    $1962.45. Just a SWAG. I really have no idea. I certainly hope it’s much less.

  97. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 06.5.2007 | 8:21 pm

    OK, I’m back. I couldn’t do much direct observation of the sun-on-shin phenomena because it’s been PPPing* rain here for the past 24 hours. I still rode for just under 3 hours but there was no sun to shine. It did give me nearly 180 minutes to ponder your problem though.

    Here’s my theory: you have scrawny little mountain biker shins. In pondering your problem I remember times when parts of my shins and calves got not just tanned, but downright burned. Maybe it’s purely because I don’t own a mountain bike. The track bike tends to make calf muscles bulge significantly and it’s those bulges that take the brunt of the UV onslaught.

    Therefore I highly recommend that you develop bulging calf muscles promptly.

    * For those of you wondering what PPPing rain is… the intensity of rain over the last 24 hours has varied significantly, swinging wildly through the full spectrum from pissing down to pouring down to pounding down. 2 inches over night and another inch and a half in the past 5 hours. You know it’s raining hard when you go for a 3 hour ride and don’t use the water bottle for the whole ride, at all, ever.

  98. Comment by scoops | 06.5.2007 | 9:07 pm

    FC, a very arousing post today. I looked at the replies and spent more time reading that lot, and trying to make a model of the postage situation than was safe. Engineers ehh, where would we be without them.

    Now my 10cts worth,
    3, count them 3, not 1, or 2, but three, ideas
    Firstly, the number of FC’ists that have have come out of the woodwork to talk about their shins in all forms is distrubing. I am certain Dr. Freud would like to speak to some of the lurkers at this site, and not in a hey come over for a beer way!
    Second, postage calculations point to an exact figure in the region of $3,200.
    Finally, there is an interesting under current of where’s Waldo, with the misterious sightings of the shirts. Will there be vain-glorious adulation here, for sightings in completely inappropriate settings next.

  99. Comment by Highwaymunky | 06.6.2007 | 12:09 am

    My Guess $1278
    To tan your shins ride early in the morning or later in the evening when the sun is lower to avoid the elliptic effect of your muscular back. or sun bed?

  100. Comment by Little1 | 06.6.2007 | 12:15 am

    Yes, I did just… pull my pant leg up to evaluate my shins! No, no problem there. I think this may be because I take the time to recover appropriately after a ride by sitting outside and stretching. Just a thought, use it, don’t use it… whatever.

    I had to pull up my pants to check becuase I don’t contemplate my shins when I ride… No I plan how exactly it is I am going to save the world… or in the words of the famous “pinky and the brain” – Take over the world! hee hee!

    Postage No can say… From a third world country… Postage say what?

  101. Comment by Byrd | 06.6.2007 | 12:33 am

    my wag (nothing scientific about it) is $2457.43. Nothing like precision to give the illusion of accuracy. If, by any chance the planets line up on the full moon when we’re swinging a dead cat by its tail at a cross roads at midnight, my pure guess wins, please make the jersey big as you can, for I am sitting here at my desk working at a 16.43 stone and need to get on my bike. As for the shins, I think most who ride are in the same condition. At least I am, the ill effect of a misspent youth riding (and falling) and not having enough sense to get in out of the sun.

    Cheers

  102. Comment by Byrd | 06.6.2007 | 12:33 am

    my wag (nothing scientific about it) is $2457.43. Nothing like precision to give the illusion of accuracy. If, by any chance the planets line up on the full moon when we’re swinging a dead cat by its tail at a cross roads at midnight, and my pure guess wins, please make the jersey big as you can, for I am sitting here at my desk working at a 16.43 stone and need to get on my bike. As for the shins, I think most who ride are in the same condition. At least I am, the ill effect of a misspent youth riding (and falling) and not having enough sense to get in out of the sun.

    Cheers

  103. Comment by Byrd | 06.6.2007 | 12:34 am

    my wag (nothing scientific about it) is $2457.43. Nothing like precision to give the illusion of accuracy. If, by any chance the planets line up on the full moon when we’re swinging a dead cat by its tail at a cross roads at midnight, and my pure guess wins, please make the jersey big as you can, for I am sitting here at my desk working at a 16.43 stone and need to get on my bike. As for the shins, I think most who ride are in the same condition. At least I am, the ill effect of a misspent youth riding (and falling) and not having enough sense to get in out of the sun.

    Cheers

  104. Comment by Yukirin Boy | 06.6.2007 | 12:55 am

    Hi FC,
    Have all the original FC jerseys shipped now? (has mine?) Do you have a final total?
    I am hoping to where the FC shirt I ordered at my next race on July 1st.
    The race is a “mere” 30Km, flat as a pancake, road race – ideal for shire horses!
    No dragging extra lard up mountainsides.

  105. Comment by flossy | 06.6.2007 | 2:12 am

    Tanned shins – try J&J Holiday Skin

    Postage – I’m guessing US$1408.36

    Hope to see my jersey soon!

    PS. Big Mike in Oz, stop grousing, we need the rain

  106. Comment by Big Boned | 06.6.2007 | 2:32 am

    Byrd,
    DOUBLE azspritzen! Gotta love it.
    BB

  107. Comment by Saso | 06.6.2007 | 3:06 am

    Postage guess: $1251

  108. Comment by Saso | 06.6.2007 | 3:08 am

    Postage guess: $ 1251.

  109. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 06.6.2007 | 4:09 am

    I would disagree with the suggestion about riding into the sun to tan your shins. Riding into the sun is pretty dangerous as you could melt your wings and fall to the earth.

    Unless you felt that you could pull off the ’slingshot around the sun back in time’ deal. That was pretty cool. with the Transparent Aluminum and all.

    $2 postage

  110. Comment by Lowrydr | 06.6.2007 | 4:31 am

    Fatty, I think your site has become infected with azspritzen.

  111. Comment by Al Maviva | 06.6.2007 | 4:48 am

    Fatty, the *right* way to get some color in your un-tan-able chicken shins is a colored embrocation. In addition to eliminating the glowing-translucent-I-can-see-veins look, of which deep sea fish are jealous, putting embrocation on your legs pre-ride is a very bike culture thing to do. Okay, fine, that’s just another way of saying, “It’s better to walk into your bike shop and ask ‘Do you have any embrocation?’ than to walk in and ask, ‘have you Ben Gay?’”

    Yes, it’s a sad commentary on bike culture that we look to the Belgians for style cues. But there it is.

    One example of colored embrocation is here: http://www.probikekit.com/display.php?code=A8107

    I don’t use colored embrocation because I get a tan even from flourescent lights, but this may help you. As for the tan on my shins… It’s real. And it’s spectacular.

  112. Comment by winner27 | 06.6.2007 | 6:19 am

    $1207.91

    Love my jersey – haven’t been on a ride with it yet but I have proudly worn it around the house. Can’t wait for the Pink Lemonade.

  113. Comment by Bob | 06.6.2007 | 6:49 am

    Postage guess: $545

    Advice: Get calf implants.

  114. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 06.6.2007 | 7:05 am

    Fatty, all I have to say is Scar Tissue doesn’t tan. Which means that no amount of sun, or self tanner will help you out.

    Postage: $1050.00

    -Bitter

    ps. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many azspritzens on fatty’s blog in my life…

  115. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 06.6.2007 | 7:17 am

    I second the suggestion to let our leg hair grow back out. With that mat in place, you won’t be able to see your shins at all. For added style, I suggest you keep shaving from your knee to your shorts line.

    Shipping. If you took my suggestion, it’ll be $2732.50, which is a shocking amount of money for shipping. Then again, I just paid $8.00 to have some sunglass lenses shipped to me via UPS ground. They came from Clearfield, Utah.

  116. Comment by Demonic1 | 06.6.2007 | 7:20 am

    Alrighty- shipping.
    only the first 100 people got free shipping (anywhere in the world) on the jersey- but they also got the messenger bag and the bake at home energy bars. I’m going to base my guess on the free shipping for 100 jerseys.

    I’m guessing $20 each for a total $1989. My jersey in the US came by UPS so I’m guessing they all went out that way. I know the first 100 sold out on the first day because I tried to get free energy bars. phoey.

    But if you are going for shipping of all the jerseys I’m going to triple that that for and cool $5000. Mostly because you stated in you posted that you ordered 250 jerseys.

    for the shins- I sit outside on a reclined lawnchair to read and drink after my ride with my legs in the sun- no socks.
    The result- tanned/ sometimes burned shins.
    You can flip to do your calves.
    Seriously this isn’t rocket science. But it could help to be of Mexican descent.

  117. Comment by TeeBone | 06.6.2007 | 7:29 am

    $2020.20, but worth every penny. Hey a rhyme!

  118. Comment by Clydesteve | 06.6.2007 | 7:31 am

    $2499.42. Say it backwards. The symetry ensures a win.

    Be glad that you can grow leg hair. Well maybe not in the scar tissue. I have no hair in the scar tissue areas – barked shins as well as chainwheel tatoos – and very little elsewhere. And no tan. And varicosities. Crap, I never would’ve noticed all this ugliness had you not brought it up.

    But fear not, within 10 years, you will need reading glasses to focus on your shins, and you can just leave them home during rides. they will just be a white blur. Trust me on this.

    sp

  119. Comment by Clydesteve | 06.6.2007 | 7:34 am

    not an azpritzen – (are alternative spellings allowed, or is this too early in the tradition for that sort of thing?

    leave the reading glasses home – not your shins. The latter would require a different frame size, which would be inconvenient.

  120. Comment by Jose | 06.6.2007 | 7:54 am

    The package you sent me (thanks BTW), had a $5 postage stamp. So I guess you sold about 300 shirts. The international ones must be costing you about $15 average, let’s say 40% of the total. So:

    USA –> $900
    Int’l –> $ 1800

    Total = $2700, that’s a bike! are you crazy?

    my number is $2700

    Buy an artificial tanning cream, the only problem is that, it will leave your shins orange.

  121. Comment by Lowrydr | 06.6.2007 | 8:23 am

    I think I’m with Jose on this one. Use the tanning cream and get orange shins to match the new sock.

  122. Comment by KT | 06.6.2007 | 8:38 am

    Okey dokey, here’s my postage guess:

    Net postage paid: 0. People keep sending you money for the amount of shipping, so it all evens out. People love you, I guess.

    Shins: Being a chick, it’s okay for me to check out guys’ legs. And my own, and other chicks’ legs too. Here’s my conclusion: like Al says, you should be of Latin-based stock if you want great tanned shins. The rest of us white folks get stuck with pasty pale shins. Having muscley legs is good. Better than the cellulite-rippled columns most ‘Muricans stump around on.

    Calves are another story. For instance, I could stand outside for a few hours in the sun and the back of my legs will burn– extra crispy fried, thank you. But not my shins.

    Pale skin is healthy skin! Revel in it!

  123. Comment by SpikeBlue | 06.6.2007 | 8:41 am

    Shipping – $1249.99

    Pale, white shins with scars on them – priceless.

  124. Comment by Purduerose | 06.6.2007 | 8:59 am

    $5555.55 that’s my guess

  125. Comment by runride | 06.6.2007 | 9:00 am

    Shipping – $2100

  126. Comment by regina | 06.6.2007 | 9:10 am

    Al, nice one using embrocation, some would have just gone with liniment, embrocation much better. I did not know they came with color. Of course now it seems obvious that they do, but that had just never occured to me.

  127. Comment by Denise | 06.6.2007 | 9:55 am

    My guess on postage is $1605.00

  128. Comment by RoadChica | 06.6.2007 | 10:21 am

    Shipping = $701. Crossing my fingers that it is close…

  129. Comment by hades | 06.6.2007 | 10:27 am

    $1696.91 is my guess.

    I’ve posted in this vein before, but ugly shins are nothing – I have Popeye calves – i.e. they are bigger than (alright as big as) my quads. They look silly, They burn on the outer edges where the sun catches them and stay pale in the creases, and they’re hairy. Everyone tells me they look intimidating riding behind me; It’s too bad they do nothing at all for my cycling prowess (except act like ankle weights) or to minimize the look a 6′2″ guy with a 31″ inseam has (them’s short, thick legs, if you are keeping track: 43″ of torso and head…)

  130. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 06.6.2007 | 10:48 am

    Clydesteve you’re right, I just copied and pasted the word from someone else’s post, perhaps we could have Fatty start a terminology list on the top left side of his site showing how to correctly spell commonly used words. :)

    ephedrine stack
    aspritzen
    bumpy lily white shins
    etc.

  131. Comment by Mocougfan | 06.6.2007 | 11:35 am

    Bitter (formerly known as Lissee),

    Hate to state the obvious but it is spelled Azspritzen. If in doubt of spelling I think we should run it past b21 from now on. I know I will now.

  132. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 06.6.2007 | 1:40 pm

    hades – …”a 6′2″ guy with a 31″ inseam has (them’s short, thick legs, if you are keeping track: 43″ of torso and head…)”…

    It’s only a truly freaky statistic if it’s 40% head.

  133. Comment by Wes Woolard | 06.6.2007 | 4:49 pm

    Shins of Shame?

    $974.00

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  135. Comment by C | 06.7.2007 | 3:59 am

    Want golden shins? Get bent… recumbent!

  136. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 06.7.2007 | 6:50 am

    Oh, so I had it right to begin with… dang these newfandangled words! In all future comments, I’ll be sure to email B21 first to approve all spellings. Too much work to go and search the comments threads.

  137. Comment by Sam Gale Rosen | 06.12.2007 | 11:34 am

    Hi, I’m writing from Open Source, a public radio show based in Boston, and distributed around the country.

    Two years ago, we started what’s become a yearly tradition for us called Blogsday: http://www.radioopensource.org/blogsday-2007/

    Based loosely on Bloomsday, which celebrates James Joyce’s “Ulysses” as an evocation of the world in a single day (in Joyce’s case, June 16, 1904), the idea is to create a mosaic portrait by reading excerpts of blog posts written all over the world on the same day, for one night, for one hour, on live radio. This year, we chose this past Tuesday — June 5 — to collect posts from, and the show will air Thursday night from 7-8pm EST.

    I’m writing because we loved your post on the 5th (especially shin-related musings), and it’s on the shortlist to be included among our Blogsday Best of the June 5th Blogosphere collection. Hooray!

    On Thursday night, we’ll bring in two accomplished and agile actors to read excerpts from our collection of posts on the air. I can’t guarantee that your post will make it onto the show at this point (we’re still knee-deep in our favorites), but you’re a finalist.

    We can’t pay anything — this is public radio after all — but we can guarantee a respectful treatment, a national radio audience, and a link on our blog.

    Let me know if you have any questions. I’ll try to send another email if I can confirm that your post will definitely be on the show beforehand, but if things get too crazy we may just let you know after the fact.

    Best,
    Sam G.R. (sam radioopensource org)

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