Not So Fast

06.21.2007 | 11:00 am

Last week, I posted a story about how I had won the Sport class in the local weekly race. It was my first win ever, so I was ecstatic. How could I not be?

There’s just one problem: I didn’t actually win.

While official results haven’t yet been posted (don’t really know if they ever will be), I just found out from the race director of the series that Larry Bollschweiler spent the entire race so far off the front of the pack that the pack didn’t even know he existed.

So: I am still winless. Sigh.

One could take a lesson from this. Something like: “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” Or possibly: “Don’t say you won a race until the results are posted.”

I choose, however, to take a different lesson. It is, “Claim victory early, and then avoid people who might know better.”

I’m happy to report, by the way, that Larry has moved on up to the Expert category.

Fatty on the home stretch at Soldier Hollow I Continue to Not Win
Yesterday was my debut as an actual real-life sponsor of a sporting event. Which means that I gathered up all the cool stuff I could get my incredible Ads-for-Schwag partners and Microsoft to send me (Thanks Twin Six, Banjo Brothers, and Matisse and Jacks!).

I’m pleased to say that these prizes were a huge hit, and thanks to my partners’ generosity — every one of them sent me more than I asked for! — I actually was able to provide enough prizes that pretty much everyone with a raffle ticket walked away with something, and the Utah Chapter of the MS Society raised thousands of dollars.

Very cool.

So let’s talk about the race, very briefly. Soldier Hollow is where the 2002 Winter Olympics Biathlon and Cross Country Ski events happened. And now it’s a fun place to have a rolling, dusty fast-paced race with quick, short climbs, quick descents, tight curves, and plenty of places to pass.

I didn’t ride my singlespeed yesterday; I’m trying to put some hours into the Weapon of Choice so I feel comfortable on it for Leadville.

Right off the bat I got into about second place. By the halfway point of the first lap (Sport did three laps), I had moved to third place. By the end of the first lap, I had moved to fourth.

But then something happened to me. Or rather, something didn’t happen to me. I didn’t fade. I kept my first lap pace up on the second lap, by which time I had moved back into second place.

The guy in first place wasn’t even in the same zip code as the two guys I was mixing it up with.

The third lap began with some embarrassment. The singletrack at the beginning of the course briefly puts you on a paved walkway. I was getting punchy and looked on the wrong side of the sidewalk for the course markers and blew right by it. If the guy behind me hadn’t yelled out, I would probably still be out there, riding off yonder.

By the time I turned around and got back on course, I was back in fourth place. All the singlespeed riding I’ve been doing, though, has given me some high-torque legs and I was able to blast up steep short pitches in a high gear, putting myself back into second, which is where I stayed for the rest of the race.

After which, I went and congratulated the winner on his fast time, and asked him how much he beat me by.

“Oh, I don’t know. A few minutes.”

I politely suggested he might want to consider Expert next time.

Hey, if the only way I’m ever going to win is by pushing the top of the stack into the next stack, so be it.

PS: My Son Cracks Me Up. My thirteen-year-old son kills me with his sense of humor. For my birthday, he made me the below electronic birthday card, using Adobe Flash. It’s his interpretation of the time I saw Bob hit a deer on a bike. Check it out:

I hereby declare that “Plentysix” is my new favorite number, and will be used anytime I do not know what speed I was actually going.


  1. Comment by jevans | 06.21.2007 | 11:21 am

    The card made me laugh… which isn’t always good thing when I’m supposed to be working..

  2. Comment by mark | 06.21.2007 | 11:24 am

    Your son is far funnier than you are. Or Bob. Or Al Maviva. That was great.

    Congratulations on 2nd place (1st place amongst non-sandbagging Sports).

  3. Comment by dug | 06.21.2007 | 11:33 am

    sproink might be the best word in the english language.

  4. Comment by chtrich | 06.21.2007 | 11:34 am

    Twinsix, Plentysix, it’s all sixes

  5. Comment by rexinsea | 06.21.2007 | 11:38 am

    Quite the talented family indeed. Keep at the races, 2 second place finishes in a row is something to be proud of for sure… but you better be careful, too many great results migh find you pushed to expert class as well. Cheers.

  6. Comment by TG | 06.21.2007 | 12:00 pm

    FC- sorry to hear about being lowered a notch on the podium…you are still a winner to us!

    Your son has inherited your sense of humor. That card is terrific!

  7. Comment by TG | 06.21.2007 | 12:00 pm

    FC- sorry to hear about being lowered a notch on the podium…you are still a winner to us!

    Your son has inherited your sense of humor. That card is terrific!

  8. Comment by barry1021 | 06.21.2007 | 12:05 pm

    i am a little confused, not being a racer or MTB er. What did Larry Bollschweiler do after he finished so far ahead of the pack? He just snuck away to the nearest Mickey D’s to chow down? How does no one know that he finished first until the “official results” come out days later? Does the name Rosie Ruiz ring a bell? Clifford Irving? Crop Circles?? Just who is this Larry guy anyway?? This whole MTB thing has me quite confused. i hereby declare Fat Cyclist as the Official winner of the Sport Class in the Local Race. It’s OK, I can do that. By the way, is there a “non-sport” class?? Hey, I am trying to learn here.


  9. Comment by venisonluv | 06.21.2007 | 12:08 pm

    was the deer ok???

  10. Comment by Mike Roadie | 06.21.2007 | 12:32 pm

    What time is the venison chili????

  11. Comment by Dan | 06.21.2007 | 12:32 pm

    Best e-card ever. Tell you’re son he’s a gifted joke writer.

  12. Comment by aussie kev | 06.21.2007 | 12:38 pm

    you and landis have something in common to talk about at leaderville now !!! you have both had victories taken from you after having tasted success – maybe floyd could lend you his legal team and you can fight it ???????

  13. Comment by eclecticdeb | 06.21.2007 | 12:51 pm

    TG: aspertizen (sp?)

    Funny funny card. I also have a 13 year old boy. However his sense of humor is more mundane…usually involves loud noises coming from his rear end area.

  14. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 06.21.2007 | 12:57 pm

    I KNEW there was something I was supposed to be doing last night. . .

    It seems like you might be faster if you looked where you’re going.
    I mean that head position has got to be hard to maintain through switchbacks.

    I can’t wait to hear what bob has to say about the ungulate attack.

    Great ecard.

  15. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 06.21.2007 | 12:59 pm

    That was the funniest card I have ever seen. I laughed out loud, made sure no one was looking and then played it again. I wish I could pause it at the deer “sproink”ing into action.

    One thing we’ve learned is that if you care about results, you stick around until they’re posted/official. We don’t do it because of ghost-riders but because the officials suck and don’t know how to use a camera.

    BTW- if any officials are reading this, just ask and I can show you how to use your camera.

  16. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 06.21.2007 | 1:03 pm

    i also loved “completely unimportant”

  17. Comment by Al Maviva | 06.21.2007 | 1:07 pm

    Man, why am I channeling Beck right now… Man, it’s like an earworm I just can’t get rid of.

    BTW, the Banjo Brothers folding mini-messenger bag that came with the FC Jersey – it is the bomb.

    I hate regular messenger bags because they make my back crooked. My commute is usually about 15 miles, with workouts tacked onto either end. In basebuilding season, I might do 30 extra on the way into work. Total back ache. Similarly, backpacks make my back all sweaty. I’m okay with that, except in the winter (when sweat is the precursor to serious freezing) and in the late spring, summer and early fall, where the heat buildup saps my power. So I guess I’m okay with a backpack for about three weeks in the mid-spring and about a month in the fall.

    The mini messenger bag is perfect because I can carry a couple pairs of socks and boxers, wallet, office keys, PDA, and miscellaneous little bits into the office – where I keep a bunch of suits & dress shirts, courtesy of the local dry cleaners. So I don’t *need* to carry a lot, and the mini bag is perfect to carry a little. It shifts position once in a while when I’m really hammering, like doing sprint workouts or long hills, but mostly it just stays in place and is totally comfortable. Best of all if my load is disposable, I can just fold the bag up and cram it in my pocket. It’s the perfect commuter bag.

    Plus I look a whole lot cooler with a little musette bag like this, than I do with all that stuff crammed into the back pocket of a tight club jersey.

  18. Comment by kmax | 06.21.2007 | 1:29 pm

    Just wanted to report a fat cyclist jersey sighting at a Northern Virginia/DC mid-week racing series race last night, Wednesdays at Wakefield. It looks TIGHT!

  19. Comment by kmax | 06.21.2007 | 1:30 pm

    oh, and not like a he was fat tight… I guess more like a he was PHAT tight!

  20. Comment by chtrich | 06.21.2007 | 1:38 pm

    Fatty – PS. What’s the weight these days? Haven’t seen a weight total at the end of a post in awhile. Have you gone on an eating binge and feel embarassed? – I do.

  21. Comment by lowrydr | 06.21.2007 | 1:48 pm

    Sweet card from the mini-fatty. And why do you keep entering these races with ringers in them? You got robbed!

  22. Comment by lowrydr | 06.21.2007 | 1:49 pm

    Oh, and good to see that the azspritzen still hit when your not looking!

  23. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 06.21.2007 | 1:52 pm

    That birthday card is a riot. I don’t want to conflict with scientific theory or anything but I don’t think plenty six is a riding speed. I can only remember twice when I’ve seen plenty six flash up on the bike computer. Both times were in the instant between when my front wheel hit a significant object and when my head hit a signifcant chunk of hard ground. Just like Bob.

    I hereby declare plenty six… crashing speed.

  24. Comment by Bob | 06.21.2007 | 2:19 pm

    You are not funny. Your son is not funny. I don’t like either of you.

  25. Comment by Shadow Scythe | 06.21.2007 | 2:44 pm

    Dug: Oh yes, onomonopeias like those can just steal the muffin. I mean, take the cake.

    Chtrich: Who wouldn’t love six? It’s the best one digit non-square complementary multiple of three in all the galaxies! Oh, except the one that uses Base 13. But nobody likes them.

    Venisonluv: I’d be more concerned about the stick figuration of Bob if I were you.

    Mrs. Coach: But it was, in fact, completely unimportant! Oh wait, no it wasn’t.

    Lowrydr: Mini-fatty? *hides in a crate*

    Big Mike in Oz: Plentysix is very scientific, as is the number Plenty itself. Why, I myself am plenteen years old!

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be stealing muffins from that deer’s neighbors. *preow*

  26. Comment by KT | 06.21.2007 | 2:45 pm

    Oh man, I laughed so hard while watching that card!

    In fact, I liked it so much…. I watched it three times!!!

    Man. The Fatty Family has some humor skills!

    And FC: Those guys who won? They were slummin’ it down in your class. We all know who REALLY won. :)

  27. Comment by Shadow Scythe | 06.21.2007 | 2:46 pm

    Oh, and Bob: That’s completely understandable. I’ll be sure to give you one of the muffins I successfully stole.

  28. Comment by KT | 06.21.2007 | 2:47 pm

    PS That card: it’s like watching 30-second bunny theater on!!

  29. Comment by Shadow Scythe | 06.21.2007 | 2:49 pm

    Oh noes, someone else seems to slip in a comment before I submit mine. Every single time. What fun!

    KT: Three times? I hope your lungs don’t implode. My cartoons tend to do that when watched enough.

  30. Comment by Born4Lycra | 06.21.2007 | 3:17 pm

    Oi 361! What kind of helmet are you wearing? Commiseration on the relegation to second. Mr Bollschweiler needs a break with a name like that. Wonder what he gets called for a nickname?

  31. Comment by LanterneRouge | 06.21.2007 | 3:45 pm

    Fatty, what’s up with your forearms? Are you wearing elbow length gloves? Did your arm warmers slip down a bit?

  32. Comment by Yukirin Boy | 06.21.2007 | 4:09 pm

    Lantern Rouge , I thought excatly the same thing! but then I’m a rodie who knows nothing about trail riding. I presume’d FC was riding on a coal face somewhere.

    Is the guy behind going hte wrong way or is this a phot during FC’s brief excersion form the marked course ?

    Congratulations Fatty on “another” impressive 2nd. – no really.

  33. Comment by nathanv | 06.21.2007 | 4:17 pm


    It is now one of my favorites atop the stack with my sons catch phrase for time:

    late thirty.

  34. Comment by DOM | 06.21.2007 | 4:49 pm

    Fatty, you are the winner. I presume, since it was a local race, Larry did not pee in the cup after the race. I hereby declare him a doper as he cannot show he wasn’t flying on amphetamines and pumping blood thick with RBC’s due to EPO. You didn’t pee in the cup either? Not a problem. Since Larry didn’t, how can you be held such a standard? Dick Pound, if you’re reading, you must be proud of my application of your kind of thinking.

  35. Comment by Conejita | 06.21.2007 | 5:44 pm

    That card was even better than the “your snowman is melt”. Man that was a fun game………

  36. Comment by Not So Skinny Cathy | 06.21.2007 | 6:40 pm

    Loved the deer sproinking out in front of Bob. Watched the card 3 times just to see that part again.

    Congrats on second place. Again. Really. Good job.

    And big congrats on having such a cool kid.

  37. Comment by Weean | 06.21.2007 | 11:07 pm

    Plentysix is a fantastic number/speed, and must now rank alongside “nineteen-canteen” as a time very long ago.

  38. Comment by buckythedonkey | 06.22.2007 | 12:40 am

    Brilliant ecard, on my plentysomethingth viewing now. My kids want to know how to make one…

  39. Comment by rick | 06.22.2007 | 2:57 am

    frickin laugh out loud funny! maybe he could be a weekly contributor?

  40. Comment by bikemike | 06.22.2007 | 3:43 am

    if you were a motocross racer, you would have finished first over all after two races.
    although, it doesn’t look like you were going anywhere near plenty-six mph on that section of sidewalk.

    i can manage something like doody-two mph going up hill.
    your son has a sick sense of humor, bravo.

  41. Comment by Tim D | 06.22.2007 | 3:50 am

    I like plenty-six mph. It will go alongside my other favourite speeds, a bit and a bit too.

    “How fast were you going” “A bit”.
    “How fast were you going when you crashed” “A bit too fast”

  42. Comment by Brewinman | 06.22.2007 | 5:00 am

    MMmmmmm……venison! Love the card. Your son has a great sense of who your friends are. BTW, got my FC jersey the other day. Sweet! Can’t wait ’til the pink lemonade shows up…

  43. Comment by FAST (formerly known as TimK) | 06.22.2007 | 6:10 am

    Yeah you enjoy your plenty six mph cruises, the rest of us will have to settle for serveralteen.

    Your son’s card is awesome – I agree that he should appear here on a weekly basis.

  44. Comment by BJG | 06.22.2007 | 6:35 am

    Although I agree that I’ll be borrowing plentysix as a new vocab word, I’m sticking by eleventy-seven as my average riding speed.

  45. Comment by Clydesteve | 06.22.2007 | 7:29 am

    The card started my day with a smile.

    I agree that Fatty’s son should provide regular antimated games or jokes, but really, isn’t “weekly” asking too much. How often can one be expected to come up with not one, but three gems like:

    plentysix mph
    completely unimportant

  46. Comment by badder2 | 06.22.2007 | 7:46 am

    I’m thinking those forearms are a case of Sasquatch gone bad. Perhaps Fatty will have to start shaving his arms as well. Or just do whatever he did to his head.

    btw, great job on another second. You know what they say about second. Out of all the losers you are the best.

  47. Comment by MAJ Mike | 06.22.2007 | 9:04 am

    I would also like to add to the word list the term “eleventeen.” My brother uses this to describe, um, young ladies who look attractive and, who, as you come closer you discover that they are too young for you to legally find them attractive. As in, “whoa, she’s hot! Wait – damn – she’s eleventeen.”

    I suppose it could also be used as a riding speed.

  48. Comment by Larry's "Doctor" | 06.22.2007 | 10:23 am

    I personally know Larry B. Did he win the race? Yes. Were we confused here at the Larry B. doping HQ after the blog was published? Completely yes (to steal a phrase from Fatty’s son). We were worried our doping techniques had failed us again (refer to Larry’s past finishes at the local race series. no first places). But this Breaking Story has salvaged our season and reputation here in Provo as THE Utah Valley place to purchase all your doping needs. As for the accusations that Larry sandbags…. well his record indicates he does not (again I refer you to his lack of first places until last week). But the proof is in the pudding, Larry never won until we tried a new doping technique, an EPO, creatine, Red Bull cocktail shaken not stirred (stirring promotes improper mixing). We put him on the podium and can sure enough put Fatty up there.

  49. Comment by Big Dog Mom Pam | 06.23.2007 | 6:39 pm

    I love “plentysix” and “completely unimportant” so much I watched the clip a half dozen times. That and the “ow, ow, ow” as Bob was rolling down the hill.

  50. Comment by flossy | 06.23.2007 | 8:21 pm

    Love the card. I will smile all day now!

    Congrats on the second in the race. I like the theory to eliminate opposition

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  52. Comment by Rob | 06.18.2008 | 10:31 pm

    Very interesting and fun post. Thanks! I loved what your son did for you…this is the best age and will only get better. I’ve never raced, but done a lot of cross country cycling, so I’m a little envious that you do this. Makes me want to get going!


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