A Note from Fatty: I wrote this last night, but checking out the Trust but Verify (News, Research and Commentary about the Floyd Landis Doping Allegations) blog this morning, I see that I’m not the first person to do a futuristic piece of fake news on this topic. Pommi’s World had a nice piece of fake news a couple weeks ago along the same lines (I swear, I didn’t steal the idea from him). Check it out.
Paris, September 7, 2035 (Fat Cyclist Future News Service) – Floyd Landis, winner of the 2006 Tour de France, is free to race his bike again, with the advent of all charges being dismissed today.
Strangely, however, the charges were not dropped due to a unanimous — or even majority — vote by the selected CAS-AAA arbitration panel, but simply because all three of the arbitrators have now reached retirement age.
USADA would normally have the right to select new panelists in this event, allowing the arbitration to continue into its 29th year. However, two circumstances have prevented this from happening:
- USADA has not existed for more than twenty years, since the momentous day in 2014 when they, along WADA and UCI, admitted they had no idea what they were doing and were going to close up shop, leaving Dr. Dan Richardson to handle all legal cycling matters from that point forward.
- Nobody else now wants to take up the arbitration. In fact, very few people even remember what the case was about.
Said Dr. Richardson, “I’m happy to welcome Mr. Landis back into the professional cycling peloton. Also, I should probably apologize to Floyd for not having dismissed his case sooner. The thing is, though, I’ve been really busy…um…for the last thirty years.”
Shortly after winning the Tour de France, Floyd Landis fell under suspicion for Testosterone doping. He immediately challenged this accusation, and the arbitration panel, having heard the evidence, retired in early 2007 to consider the evidence at hand.
They have been, evidently, considering it ever since.
Most people thought that a month or so would be enough time to sift through the testimonies and render a verdict. Practically everyone thought a quarter of a year would be plenty. Virtually nobody thought that the arbitration panel would make it their life’s work, and then retire without having yet come to a conclusion.
In 2009, suspecting the worst, Floyd Landis had himself cryogenically frozen, with the instructions that he was to be thawed “when and if those guys ever make up their minds.”
Wakened today, Mr. Landis was heard to remark, “Holy crap, my hip is cold!” Then, hearing the news, Landis wryly responded, “Well, that figures,” and then got on his bike, evidently preparing for what would certainly be a remarkable comeback.
New Challenges Await
Landis has his work cut out for him if he hopes to win the 2036 Tour de France. He will, of course, have to race against the 21 clones of President Lance Armstrong (teams are limited to 1 clone per team), not to mention the Trek Synthuman / Madone hybrids — the integrated bicycle / purpose-specific lifeforms engineered to spin a cadence of 480rpm at a wattage of 912. For three months straight. Without need for sleep or food.
“Whatever,” commented Landis.
The Cycling World Reacts
Noted cycling authority Al Trautwig remarked on this occasion, “Lance Armstrong! Lance! Seventeen time Tour de France champion! President of the United States and King of Texas!” This was not remarkable, because this is all Al Trautwig has said for eight years. In Trautwig’s defense, he does say it with enthusiasm and a deep, resonant voice.
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen, each looking great considering how old they are, took the occasion to note that they knew Mr. Landis was innocent right from the beginning. Nobody dares contradict them, for fear of being called “youngster,” then being forced to listen to more than a combined 120-years worth of cycling stories and history.
Dave Zabriskie said something, but it was practically impossible to understand. One is tempted to put this down to old age, but the truth is, Zabriskie’s always been practically impossible to understand.
Elden Nelson, most beloved cycling blogger in the world and four-time Grammy winner, commented, “This is extremely strange, because 28 years ago, I predicted this exact thing would happen.”