News Flash! Floyd Landis Doping Charges Dismissed!

09.6.2007 | 9:31 pm

A Note from Fatty: I wrote this last night, but checking out the Trust but Verify (News, Research and Commentary about the Floyd Landis Doping Allegations) blog this morning, I see that I’m not the first person to do a futuristic piece of fake news on this topic. Pommi’s World had a nice piece of fake news a couple weeks ago along the same lines (I swear, I didn’t steal the idea from him).  Check it out.

Paris, September 7, 2035 (Fat Cyclist Future News Service) – Floyd Landis, winner of the 2006 Tour de France, is free to race his bike again, with the advent of all charges being dismissed today.

Strangely, however, the charges were not dropped due to a unanimous — or even majority — vote by the selected CAS-AAA arbitration panel, but simply because all three of the arbitrators have now reached retirement age.

USADA would normally have the right to select new panelists in this event, allowing the arbitration to continue into its 29th year. However, two circumstances have prevented this from happening:

  1. USADA has not existed for more than twenty years, since the momentous day in 2014 when they, along WADA and UCI, admitted they had no idea what they were doing and were going to close up shop, leaving Dr. Dan Richardson to handle all legal cycling matters from that point forward.
  2. Nobody else now wants to take up the arbitration. In fact, very few people even remember what the case was about.

Said Dr. Richardson, “I’m happy to welcome Mr. Landis back into the professional cycling peloton. Also, I should probably apologize to Floyd for not having dismissed his case sooner. The thing is, though, I’ve been really busy…um…for the last thirty years.”

Shortly after winning the Tour de France, Floyd Landis fell under suspicion for Testosterone doping. He immediately challenged this accusation, and the arbitration panel, having heard the evidence, retired in early 2007 to consider the evidence at hand.

They have been, evidently, considering it ever since.

Most people thought that a month or so would be enough time to sift through the testimonies and render a verdict. Practically everyone thought a quarter of a year would be plenty. Virtually nobody thought that the arbitration panel would make it their life’s work, and then retire without having yet come to a conclusion.

In 2009, suspecting the worst, Floyd Landis had himself cryogenically frozen, with the instructions that he was to be thawed “when and if those guys ever make up their minds.”

Wakened today, Mr. Landis was heard to remark, “Holy crap, my hip is cold!” Then, hearing the news, Landis wryly responded, “Well, that figures,” and then got on his bike, evidently preparing for what would certainly be a remarkable comeback.

New Challenges Await
Landis has his work cut out for him if he hopes to win the 2036 Tour de France. He will, of course, have to race against the 21 clones of President Lance Armstrong (teams are limited to 1 clone per team), not to mention the Trek Synthuman / Madone hybrids — the integrated bicycle / purpose-specific lifeforms engineered to spin a cadence of 480rpm at a wattage of 912. For three months straight. Without need for sleep or food.

“Whatever,” commented Landis.

The Cycling World Reacts
Noted cycling authority Al Trautwig remarked on this occasion, “Lance Armstrong! Lance! Seventeen time Tour de France champion! President of the United States and King of Texas!” This was not remarkable, because this is all Al Trautwig has said for eight years. In Trautwig’s defense, he does say it with enthusiasm and a deep, resonant voice.

Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen, each looking great considering how old they are, took the occasion to note that they knew Mr. Landis was innocent right from the beginning. Nobody dares contradict them, for fear of being called “youngster,” then being forced to listen to more than a combined 120-years worth of cycling stories and history.

Dave Zabriskie said something, but it was practically impossible to understand. One is tempted to put this down to old age, but the truth is, Zabriskie’s always been practically impossible to understand. 

Elden Nelson, most beloved cycling blogger in the world and four-time Grammy winner, commented, “This is extremely strange, because 28 years ago, I predicted this exact thing would happen.”


  1. Comment by Clydesteve | 09.6.2007 | 9:53 pm

    all fairly believable, except that the Kingdom of Texas has never admitted that they have a king.

  2. Comment by PacNW | 09.6.2007 | 10:18 pm

    I’d email this directly to Fatty but can’t find his email quickly, so I’ll share it with everyone.

    By now, Fat Cyclist jersey sightings are almost becoming commonplace around the world. The most recent one was at the Single Speed World Championships, held this year in Aviemore, Scotland. The promoters won the right to hold SSWC07 at the previous year’s event by besting the other bidding promoters at a drinking game. This year, some messenger blokes from London brought their Rollapaluza rigs to the event and behold what jersey the winner of the 1000 meter TT was sporting. Nigel is clearly a supporter.

    The men’s and women’s podiums were filled with Americans as Adam Craig and Kelli Emmett won and Carl Decker took second. Adam and Kelli took home a frame and tattoo each as prizes.
    The rollers were incorporated into the contest to determine the location of SSWC08, won by the contingent for Napa Valley, CA. Just letting ya’ll know early so you can get your costume ready. Adam stood on the podium in cutoff denims and Kelli sported a red uni with knee-high socks.

  3. Comment by eliel | 09.7.2007 | 1:47 am

    Hilarious! This is why I keep coming back to read your blog, fatty. Thanks!

  4. Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 09.7.2007 | 2:03 am

    Good Stuff and I’ve got all your 78 records as well.

  5. Comment by Mike Roadie | 09.7.2007 | 3:19 am

    Who’s Floyd???

    Who’s WADA??

    Who’s USADA??

    There will not be any bike racing allowed in 2035!!!

    I’m going to Austin for the Ride for the Roses!!!!!

  6. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 09.7.2007 | 3:26 am

    I heard Tyler Hamilton won several Tours around 2018. He rod emuch better once he had both collar bones surgically removed. Apparently flacid shoulders allows a much higher seated cadence (and several alternative access points for syringes).

  7. Comment by Rant | 09.7.2007 | 4:23 am

    Most excellent! Any predictions on which of the Armstrong clones or the Trek Synthuman/Madone hybrids will give Landis the toughest time? Or will he knock them off, one by one?

  8. Comment by Big Boned | 09.7.2007 | 4:28 am

    Forget the surgery, I hadn’t considered that it would limit your typing to one arm and therefore reduce your output!
    I wonder if Vegas is giving odds on Landis winning the 2036 race…

  9. Comment by sans auto | 09.7.2007 | 6:39 am

    Great post Fatty, and you’re right, Phil Liggett will never die, and if he did it would be the end of cycling.

    HUGE thanks to anyone who took my survey. I have 350 responses so far, which is wonderful!

  10. Comment by KeepYerBag | 09.7.2007 | 6:44 am

    Fatty’s Four Grammys:

    2011 “Endo!”: Best Hip-Hop album by a suburban white Utahn.
    2015 “Hurt (again)”: Best Remake of a Johnny Cash Cover of a Trent Reznor Song.
    2019 “Bonk!”: Best retro techno dance remix.
    2025 Recipient of the Steve Perry Lifetime Achievement Award

  11. Comment by Byrdbth | 09.7.2007 | 8:57 am

    That was great…Have you ever noticed how Dave Z does not move his mouth when he talks, I would love to figure out how to do that..

  12. Comment by Clydesteve | 09.7.2007 | 9:36 am

    Anyone can talk without moving their mouth like Dave Z. Unfortunately, it comes out all mumbly like Dave Z.

  13. Comment by pommi | 09.7.2007 | 9:43 am

    Brilliant :-)

  14. Comment by Bonzai Buckaroo | 09.7.2007 | 10:01 am

    I love it!!!

  15. Comment by Bonzai Buckaroo | 09.7.2007 | 10:01 am

    I love it!!!

  16. Comment by Al Maviva | 09.7.2007 | 12:33 pm

    Hey, you left out the part where Tyler Hamilton protested Floyd’s results.

  17. Comment by Coach | 09.7.2007 | 2:28 pm

    We’re on our way to LOTOJA and that made the drive through Bountiful at 4pm bearable.
    Thank you.

  18. Comment by Grams | 09.7.2007 | 3:29 pm

    Hey, Coach! How come you can read this article at 4 pm when your post is 2:28 pm?

  19. Pingback by » Links Of The Day: 7 September 2007 | 09.7.2007 | 3:41 pm

    [...] News Flash! Floyd Landis Doping Charges Dismissed! [...]

  20. Comment by Debamundo | 09.7.2007 | 6:00 pm

    Would you believe that I just TODAY received my issue of Bicycling with the Fatcyclist pink jersey? Why did the rest of the country get theirs more than two weeks ago? I even live closer to Iowa, where the printer is located.

    Love the news piece. You always make me laugh out loud with those.

  21. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 09.8.2007 | 4:45 am

    That Richardson guy sounds brilliant, although a bit common.

  22. Comment by formertdffan | 09.10.2007 | 7:16 pm

    too funny!!!

  23. Comment by FliesOnly | 09.11.2007 | 11:14 am

    How you come up with this stuff, I’ll never know…but Thank You, nonetheless, for coming up with it. Too funny.

  24. Pingback by Landis cleared? | 09.11.2007 | 8:06 pm

    [...] Excellent news piece from the Fat Cyclist. [...]

  25. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Judging Floyd | 09.21.2007 | 8:04 am

    [...] Recently, I wrote an extremely insightful piece of satire, wherein I projected that the USADA would not finish its deliberations — which have been going on since Spring — in 2035. [...]

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  27. Pingback by Biking Circle - Today’s Top Blog Posts on Motorcycle - Powered by SocialRank | 10.1.2007 | 1:07 am

    [...] News Flash! Floyd Landis Doping Charges Dismissed! [...]

  28. Pingback by Biking Circle - Today’s Top Blog Posts on Motorcycle - Powered by SocialRank | 10.1.2007 | 1:07 am

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