I’m not funny today, or clever, or insightful. I’m worried and sad and stressed and angry and, frankly, more than a little freaked out.
It’s been getting harder and harder for Susan to walk lately. We figured this trend would reverse itself, since her tumors are shrinking and her bones look to be healing.
But last night Susan pretty much cried through the night she hurt so badly. The one Lortab she usually takes when she goes to bed to help cope with the pain didn’t do any good. So — for the first time ever — she took a second.
By 5:00am, Susan gave up trying to sleep and worked her way downstairs, thinking maybe I’d be able to sleep better if she weren’t in the room. Her left leg’s totally useless to her now, so she had to sit down and scoot her way down, pushing the crutches ahead of her.
Of course I couldn’t sleep. And I didn’t know how to help. Me: helpless, angry, scared, useless. Her: hurting like hell, still thinking about me.
So today we spent the day at the neurologist. His guess is somewhere on her spine, there’s a tumor that’s been pressing on a nerve. They’ll do more tests in a week.
Have I mentioned before Susan’s got tumors up and down her spine? Probably not. I’ve been so preoccupied with her lungs and liver that I sometimes forget how important the spine is, too.
So, until the tests reveal our next steps — almost certainly yet more tests — Susan’s got yet more prescriptions for “pain management.” That’s what they really call it.
I’m going to see if — for once — these neurologist tests result in a cure instead of just a bunch more drug prescriptions. If not, I’m going to use some money from those pink jerseys and buy Susan a lift so she can get up and down the stairs. That’s more mundane than Italy, but right now it’s more important. I figure most of you will understand and approve. And I’ll put the Italy trip on the credit card when the time comes if I need to.
Tonight, Susan took two Lortabs and a muscle relaxant (and I put two more within arm’s reach). Knocked her out; she’s sleeping right now. That’s the best thing that’s happened all day.
I’m sorry, this post probably feels like an ambush. I’m not about gloom and despair. I’m the guy who stays positive. And I will be again soon. Probably by tomorrow. I just need some sleep.
PS: I spent some time reading the 80+ comments that folks have left for us today, and I know Susan’s read them, too. Thanks from both of us. You have all long stopped just being readers to me and have become an extraordinary group of friends. Again, thank you.