News Flash! Pereiro Crowned 2006 Tour de France Champ!

10.16.2007 | 5:57 am

MADRID (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a gala ceremony held within a hotel conference room yesterday, Oscar Pereiro was officially crowned the champion of the 2006 Tour de France.

“I am truly pleased to award — at long last,” said Christian Prudhomme, director of the Tour de France, “the award for this race to Mr. Pereiro, an unimpeachably clean racer. You are a man I have long admired as a true champion, and are now recognized by all as the winner of the 2006 Tour de France.”

“This,” said Prudhomme, “is the satisfying conclusion to the 2006 Tour de France we’ve all been waiting for for such a long time.”

Pointing in the general direction Caisse d’Epargne team, he continued, “Oscar Pereiro was so strong in that race that nobody can legitimately doubt he is truly one of the brightest stars in the pro peloton today.”

“Who can forget,” said Prudhomme, “the way Pereiro valiantly accepted the gift of approximately thirty minutes in one of the stages of the tour? I am told it was quite moving, although I did not personally watch it, due to lack of interest.”

“But that is certainly not all,” said Prudhomme. “I was personally astounded at the way Pereiro . . . um . . . at the way Pereiro . . . uh . . . .”

Prudhomme then leaned over and asked an assistant, off-mike, “Did this guy do anything besides win the yellow jersey lottery?” The assistant shrugged and resumed his nap.

Concluded Prudhomme, “I want to make it clear to one and all that Pereiro’s win is nothing at all like winning a raffle. In particular, it’s nothing at all like someone winning a raffle because everyone else who had a ticket was kicked out of the party.”

Mr. Prudhomme then strode over to the Caisse d’Epargne team, hesitated for a moment, and handed the jersey and ceremonial stuffed lion to Alejandro Valverde.

Face reddening, Pereiro quickly grabbed the jersey from his teammate and put it on himself, while casting his eyes about, looking for someone to zip the jersey up in the back.

Not seeing anyone, Pereiro finally asked, “Where are the podium girls?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Prudhomme, looking at his watch. “Look, can we wrap this up? I have a 12:30 lunch meeting.”

Not Jumping the Gun
“This is an emotional moment, a day that I will never forget,” said Pereiro. “I am glad that it has been settled, once and for all, at long last, that I am the true and honest champion of the Tour de France.”

At this point, an attorney briefly whispered into Pereiro’s ear.

“Unless, of course,” continued Pereiro, “Floyd Landis wins his appeal.”

Pereiro continued talking, but could not be heard because a hotel tech person had turned off the microphone and began coiling up the cable, explaining that the sound system was needed in the next room.

In a short press conference following the ceremony, Pereiro was asked if he was perhaps jumping the gun by having this ceremony before Floyd Landis’ appeals options had run out.

“Shut up,” said Pereiro. “This is mine now. Mine.”

“Actually,” said an assistant to Christian Prudhomme, after explaining that Prudhomme himself would have loved to have been there himself but had other pressing engagements, “we do have a contingency plan worked out for this possibility.”

“If that were to happen,” continued the assistant, “we will have a special race between Landis and Pereiro. They will be given three options they can choose from to decide who is the real winner of the 2006 Tour de France: They can have a race, a leg wrestling competition, or a game of “Slap,” where Landis and Pereiro take turns slapping each other. The first one to cry loses.”

“We’ll take the game of Slap,” said José Luis Jaimerena, Caisse d’Epargne sport director.

What’s Next?
After the press conference, Pereiro sat at a couch in the hotel lounge with a stack of yellow jerseys beside him and a black Sharpie marker in hand, evidently making himself available in case someone would like an autographed jersey.

Asked what’s next, now that he’s the champion of the Tour de France, Pereiro said this afternoon he would go home and wait by his phone in anticipation of the product endorsement offers that would certainly be pouring in, any moment now. “I also expect to get a number of offers from other pro teams,” said Pereiro. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to have a Tour de France winner leading their team next year?”

“And now I have to leave,” said Pereiro. Asked why, he explained that hte team was getting together to celebrate his amazing 2006 Tour de France victory by eating at the Madrid Pizza Hut.


  1. Comment by AMG in Texas | 10.16.2007 | 6:05 am


    Fatty you make my day!!!

    Thanks and best wishes for Susan

    You forgot the part about the team medical doctor asking the code word from the cyclist so as to not get the bags mixed up….

  2. Comment by Al Maviva | 10.16.2007 | 6:46 am

    My brain tells me that your writeup was really really funny, a good bit of satire. But somehow I’m not laughing. There’s something burbling around in my subconscious about it Pereiro having won the TdF’s special tie-dye jersey, which goes to the rider who displays the Best Masking Agent.


  3. Comment by Big Boned | 10.16.2007 | 6:50 am

    Excellent work. It is sad that pro cycling has become a joke even to cyclists!

  4. Comment by leroy | 10.16.2007 | 6:55 am

    Tour de France?

    Is that related to the Tour de Bronx this Sunday?

    Are Krispy Kreme donuts a banned substance?

    Golly, it’s so hard to keep all of this straight.

    FC — Best to you and Susan.

  5. Comment by Pammap | 10.16.2007 | 7:03 am

    FC, brilliant!

    Something tells me that if it comes down to a game of Slap to determine the winner, Floyd’s our man! He’s got the motivation after all; you know he must be angry about all of this and I’m sure he would love to slap someone, anyone. Go Floyd!

  6. Comment by TimK | 10.16.2007 | 7:04 am

    my sides hurt. This nails what I was thinking.

    I’m starting to think that you are like the Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart of cycling, you really don’t have to do much work anymore!

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  8. Comment by bikemike | 10.16.2007 | 7:15 am

    oscar who? floyd what?

    blah, blah, blah, who cares, blah, blah, blah.

    get well Susan!

  9. Comment by Uphill Battle | 10.16.2007 | 7:23 am

    FC, satirical brilliance!

    I laughed so hard I cried.

    Maybe I should be crying that pro cycling has come to this.

    Keep up the good work!

    Prayers for Susan continue!

  10. Comment by Clydesteve | 10.16.2007 | 7:37 am

    My fave: Mr. Prudhomme then strode over to the Caisse d’Epargne team, hesitated for a moment, and handed the jersey and ceremonial stuffed lion to Alejandro Valverde.

  11. Comment by El Animal | 10.16.2007 | 7:43 am

    I like Valverde’s picture very appropriated.

  12. Comment by Willie Nelson | 10.16.2007 | 7:58 am

    ASO, UCI… all of them. Stupid is as stupid does.

    I’m excited to read the “news story” that comes out after the CAS overturns the Landis ruling and someone has to take back the one they gave Oscar. The anticipation is killing me…

  13. Comment by Mike Roadie | 10.16.2007 | 9:02 am

    The Pink Jersey made to Austin!!! The Livestrong Challenges raised over $8.7 million dollars for cancer research and advocacy for Susan, and our other friends and family!!! Lance and the LAF are now on the road through Texas trying to gain support for that state’s Proposition 15, a State Constitutional amendment to make the Texas Legislature fund cancer research and trials!!! If you live in Texas, please VOTE!

  14. Comment by KT | 10.16.2007 | 9:42 am

    FC, that news article is one of your pure genius flashes.

    I laughed, I cried, I hurled.

    My best to Susan!


  15. Comment by KT | 10.16.2007 | 9:44 am

    Wait a tic… did you see the picture Cyclingnews has for their article??? Oscar looks like a plasticized action figure, and his arms look way too long for the rest of him.

    Just plain WEIRD!!!

  16. Comment by dug | 10.16.2007 | 10:18 am

    hey, i’ve eaten at the madrid pizza hut.

  17. Comment by mark | 10.16.2007 | 10:51 am

    KT- that photo is simply creepy. If fatcyclist had a halloween party, I’d come dressed like that–pretty sure I would win for scariest costume.

  18. Comment by aussie kev | 10.16.2007 | 11:02 am

    If Pereiro reads this he will cry, he will look like a “slap” loser !!!!!. for me this is one of your best pieces of work, likening it to a raffle when you are the only entrant brilliant.

  19. Comment by bikemike | 10.16.2007 | 12:58 pm

    could you please research and see if any town/city in italy even has a dominos or pizza hut and if they are the best sellers in said towns?

    or not.

  20. Comment by Miguel | 10.16.2007 | 1:52 pm

    Always enjoyable my friend. I can always count on you to make me smile. Your family is very blessed to have you as a father and husband. The rest of us are just lucky to be able to read your blog!


  21. Comment by | 10.16.2007 | 2:52 pm

    This was, as always, amazing. I love the… I honestly can’t even begin to pick a favorite part. The first thing I said to one of the guys at work when I wrote about the jersey switching hands was, “What the heck is going to happen, once Landis’s appeal goes through?” I am currently praying that the appeal sticks and everyone involved winds up with egg on their face (my God I’m turning into my parents, aren’t I?). This whole thing is a cluster, and it’s really making a horrible mockery of cycling.
    On a different note: Prayers still going out for you, Susan and the fam. Keep us up on the down-low.

  22. Comment by my middle name is fred | 10.16.2007 | 6:47 pm

    mmm… pizza hut.

    “We’ll take the game of Slap”

    FC, you are a comedic genius.

  23. Comment by KeepYerBag | 10.16.2007 | 7:33 pm

    A game of Slap. . .what a riot!

    Your satire knob goes all the way to eleven, Elden. Seriously funny stuff.

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  25. Comment by Uncle Bob | 10.17.2007 | 5:54 am

    Excellent satire. It would indeed be poetic if Mr. Landis were to win his appeal, but I suspect that whatever the rights and wrongs may be, the fix is firmly in.

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  27. Comment by Dave | 10.18.2007 | 3:56 pm

    The frog, very subtle. I’m going to chuckle over that for weeks.


  28. Comment by Ruben | 10.19.2007 | 1:03 pm

    The guy in the picture is not Pereiro is Valverde. Anyway Oscar has already said is pretty sad to win a Tour like that… in fact he must be the saddest Tour winner ever.
    Best wishes for your wife,
    Best from Sapain

  29. Comment by nickc | 10.19.2007 | 2:03 pm

    I keep forgetting this site is the home for the Cheerleaders of Floyd Landis’ Lawyers. You know what, Landis Fans? He won’t win his appeal, ‘cos he’s a cheat, cheats don’t prosper, remember?

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