More than two weeks ago, I had a crash while mountain biking. No, let me clarify that: I had a painful crash. More specifically, I had a painful crash that has hurt my left wrist to the extent that even two weeks later, it hurts to type. Or to lift anything. Or to punch through a cinder block.
I am speculating about the punching-through-the-cinder-block part.
I shall now tell you the story of how this crash happened. However, I will not make it easy on you; you must guess, for each event leading up to the crash, which of the statements is correct.
Oh, I know. You’re wondering, “How can I tell which is correct, since I wasn’t even there?”
To which I answer, “Oh, I think you’ll manage.”
1. Which of the following did Fatty do this ride with?
a. Several members of the core team — people he has ridden with hundreds of times — who already know about his proclivity to fall painfully and clumsily, and therefore would not be particularly fazed by this event.
b. Nobody. Fatty rode by himself, so when he fell, nobody saw and nobody was the wiser. Until now, of course.
c. With a neighbor he had never ridden with. A neighbor who was, for some unknown reason, under the impression that Fatty is an expert mountain biker.
2. What did Fatty and this neighbor talk about as they rode, prior to the accident?
a. They talked about politics, greenhouse gasses, and the alarming rate of decay of the moral fibre of today’s youth. Incidentally, they came up with an elegant solution to two dilemmas quantum physicists have been struggling with for the past decade, which will be published in the January issue of The Quarterly Journal of Pompous Physicists.
b. They didn’t talk about anything. Fatty is so outrageously fast on the climbs that the neighbor couldn’t even remotely keep up, and whenever Fatty took pity and waited for the neighbor to catch up, the neighbor was far too out of breath to talk about anything at all.
c. Fatty talked endlessly about how riding a rigid singlespeed is so great, how he doesn’t miss or need suspension, and how he’s actually a better technical rider now without any suspension.
3. What was the trail like when Fatty had his crash?
a. Rooted, twisting, shale-covered technical singletrack. Approximately 39% uphill grade.
b. Fast downhill fire road, off-camber, riddled with blind corners and tall ledges. Oh, and snakes. Lots of angry, poisonous snakes attacking without warning.
c. Mild, straight, gently sloping uphill doubletrack. Not technical. At all.
4. What caused Fatty’s crash?
a. The neighbor punched Fatty in the kidney, then elbowed him in the throat. All because he wanted to steal one of Fatty’s awesome new water bottles.
b. Fatty was demonstrating how he has recently learned to do a nose-wheelie, pivot his rear wheel around and ride in the other direction — all no-handed, and without the use of brakes.
c. His front tire blew when he hit 70mph.
d. Fatty, while riding 5mph up a gentle slope, hit a small embedded rock, and Fatty fell over sideways as if he had never quite learned to ride a bike.
5. What did Fatty do after the crash?
a. Yell in pain, in what unfortunately must be described as a high-pitched wail.
b. Try to explain to his neighbor why he just fell down on — what looked to the neighbor like — a featureless trail.
c. Get back on the bike and try to ride, then get back off the bike when he realized the pain was sufficient to cause a wave of nausea and that he’d better sit back down for a minute.
d. All of the above, in that order.
So, in short, I — with a neighbor who somehow mistook me for a good rider — fell over sideways on my mountain bike for no good reason whatsoever, and caught all my weight on my left wrist as I crashed to the ground.
I am such a doofus.