Cycling Clothes: The Next Generation

01.22.2008 | 10:46 am

A Note from Fatty: I’ve got a new column in today. You can read a preview below, or click here to read the whole thing.

I’m very disappointed in cycling clothes. Now, I don’t have a problem with the way they look – I suppose I’ve become comfortable with the inevitability of garish colours and circulation-restricting shorts.

No, my problem with cycling clothes lies in their function. Or, more specifically, in their lack thereof.

Consider, for a moment, what you demand from your bike. Every single part needs to be extremely light and strong, while interacting with other parts, withstanding multiple forces, absorb incredible impact, and perform other near-miracles of physics with every turn of the cranks.

As anyone who’s ever ridden a truly nice bike can testify, your bike can make you a better rider. Instantly. Meanwhile, all our clothes do is prevent us from being naked.

And don’t give me any of that nonsense about wicking anti-microbial seamless chamoises, either. That’s all marketing nonsense and you know it.

I think it’s time we expect as much from our cycling clothes as we do from the bikes we ride. Which is why I am happy to propose several new products I will soon be developing.

Do your current bike shorts bind into your waist, creating an appalling “muffin top” effect? In the place where your six pack should go, do you sell beer by the barrel?

My friend, SuperShorts are for you. Oh, sure, many bib shorts have a girdling effect, but that’s just an afterthought. With SuperShorts, we use the strongest elastic money can buy, guaranteeing you an instant 3″ girth reduction, or your money back.

But that’s just the beginning of what these shorts will do for you. The upper body of the SuperShorts has been contoured and shaped so as to make it appear as if you had rippling pectorals and abs, instead of 15 pounds of flab.

That’s right: not only will these shorts help you not look fat, they’ll actually make it look like you have seen the inside of a gym.

Cyclists love their jerseys. Is this love due to the awful colours, the way the jerseys stink no matter how vigorously you wash them, or the way they cling to you in the most unnatural way possible? It’s hard to say. One thing is certain, however. Those jerseys aren’t doing everything for you they should be.

The Nutra-Jersey will change all that. Observing that your bike jersey has more contact with your skin than any other piece of clothing, we have infused a variety of nutrients into the fabric of the jersey itself. As you wear it, the power of osmosis will deliver your chosen fuel directly through your skin. Like a nicotine patch, but much, much bigger.

Click here to continue reading “Cycling Clothes: The Next Generation” over at


  1. Comment by TIMK | 01.22.2008 | 11:12 am

    I can’t believe you aren’t demanding more from the helmet.

  2. Comment by velofreak | 01.22.2008 | 11:15 am


    Much better than those $500 shorts PI made that have a built in mp3 player.

  3. Comment by fatty | 01.22.2008 | 11:20 am

    Actually I had so much to say about the helmet that I’m doing a whole piece on it.

  4. Comment by cyclostu | 01.22.2008 | 11:40 am

    Is the Pro Nutra-Jersey infused with a “clear” substance that was manufactured in the San Fran Bay area by chance? Is it endorsed by Barry Bonds and Marion Jones?

    Also, you should really point out the the Super Shorts will give you the ultimate Luxury Body. And they would no doubt be cheaper than anything Assos sells.

  5. Comment by Al Maviva | 01.22.2008 | 12:02 pm

    >>>You put them on when you need them, and they melt away into a puddle of safe, non-toxic, biodegradable gelatinous goo on the road when you don’t.

    Interesting. It’s kind of similar to what happens to us flatlander domestiques and the sprinters once the roads start to point upwards a little bit. With the exception that most non-climbers aren’t exactly safe or non-toxic once they’ve been turned into a puddle and dropped by the attacking climbers.

  6. Comment by becomingblue | 01.22.2008 | 12:15 pm

    Al, and other flatlanders, how do you guys go so fast for so long on the flats? I can go up hills pretty good but hills don’t go on very long. And after the top, then here come the flatlanders catching and passing us, churning away in a big gear. I usually have to sprint to catch on and then pray that when I get to the front in the rotation, I don’t embarass myself and slow down. What’s the secret?

  7. Comment by Al Maviva | 01.22.2008 | 12:18 pm

    Ride harder.

  8. Comment by Boz | 01.22.2008 | 12:20 pm

    becomingblue – it’s called “gravity”

  9. Comment by Big Bird | 01.22.2008 | 12:55 pm

    Lubra-chamois? I thought you just said you didn’t need chamois cream.

  10. Comment by TomE | 01.22.2008 | 1:00 pm

    Yo Fatty….when are they going to update the Bloggies site??? Dying to see if my late night voting helped!

  11. Comment by fatty | 01.22.2008 | 1:05 pm

    big bird – I dont, but not everyone is as tough as I am.

    TomE – I dunno when they’re going to announce bloggie finalists. I’m checking every thirty seconds or so.

  12. Comment by Atomic Bombshell | 01.22.2008 | 1:16 pm

    Hilarious! I love it!

  13. Comment by Don ( | 01.22.2008 | 1:27 pm

    I would be happy to test any of your new products for you. *wink*

  14. Comment by Brandy | 01.22.2008 | 1:44 pm

    exactly how slippery is “grease on ice?”

  15. Comment by KT | 01.22.2008 | 2:17 pm

    I was sure you were going to go “Alien” with the Nutra Jersey– it doesn’t just feed you, it forms a symbiont relationship kind of like mistletoe to an Oak tree… except the jersey won’t eventually sap all the life out of you.

    Funny stuff, sir!

  16. Comment by randomhigh | 01.22.2008 | 4:26 pm

    edible armwarmers may be a solution to the whole “slippery as grease on ice” problem…

    ‘course if you’re trying to lose weight, you’re gonna have to decide between the nutra-jersey or the edible armwarmers…

  17. Comment by Bluenoser | 01.22.2008 | 4:39 pm


    “Slippery as grease on ice” is the opposite of “As fast as a dry riverbed”


  18. Comment by Dobovedo | 01.22.2008 | 4:45 pm

    I’ll take a 2XL Chocolate Mocha Fudge Sundae jersey w/ a side of EPO, please!

  19. Comment by carl nicoletti | 01.22.2008 | 5:57 pm

    DANG! Randomhigh beat me to it…. Fatty, darling, about the time it’s warmed up enough to remove the arms and leg warmers…. JUST EAT THEM! Think of the possibilities…. taco flavored arm warmers and salsa flavored leg warmers. Vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, gin and tonic…. – Carl

  20. Comment by jenni | 01.22.2008 | 6:42 pm

    Osmosis is the diffusion of water over the cell membrane. I think maybe you meant simply diffusion. Or perhaps passive transport.

    Science teacher signing off.

  21. Comment by Mike Roadie | 01.22.2008 | 6:52 pm

    I don’t think I can afford a 3″ girth reduction, personally…..oh, THAT girth reduction!!!

  22. Comment by randomhigh | 01.22.2008 | 7:32 pm

    carl- hehehe!! they say great minds think alike… think that it applies to crazy minds too??

  23. Comment by Kris | 01.22.2008 | 8:35 pm

    I’d like bike clothing with air bags that are activated by the high-pitched “school girl” scream that immediately precedes a crash. :-)

  24. Comment by MBonkers | 01.22.2008 | 11:32 pm

    I’m with cyclostu, if they don’t give me a luxury body, I’m not interested. The self spalming shorts though sound pretty nice.

    Afraid to ask what happens after 250 miles…

  25. Comment by cyclostu | 01.23.2008 | 5:01 am

    Does anyone else still chuckle like a little school girl whenever the term “spalm” comes up in the comments? That is just hysterical – even after all this time. I raise a glass to our good friend Dr. Lamler! Here here!

  26. Comment by Don ( | 01.23.2008 | 7:23 am

    Kris: Air bag idea rules.
    Cyclostu: Tehehehehe… spalm… tehehehe

  27. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 01.23.2008 | 7:38 am

    My favorite line. “Now, as long as you’ve got sweat, you’ve got something to drink.”


  28. Comment by Mbonkers | 01.23.2008 | 11:33 am

    The bloggies site says to come back and vote on the 22nd for the finalists, but it’s the 23rd… Stop with the suspense already…

  29. Comment by Mbonkers | 01.23.2008 | 12:35 pm

    Never mind, go vote for Fattie!
    Congratulations on the nomination.

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  31. Comment by shownmichle | 05.5.2010 | 3:23 am

    I appreciate the concern which is been rose. The things need to be sorted out because it is about the individual but it can be with everyone.
    Fashion Guide USA

  32. Comment by Kat Johnson | 11.29.2011 | 10:29 pm

    I think we can turn our favorite shirts into functional cycling gear with a sewing machine and some elastic a la Recycled Cyclist

    see what they make at



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