Racing to Lose

01.29.2008 | 10:32 pm


A Special Note from Fatty: Here’s the last image clue you’re going to get on the 2008 Fat Cyclist jersey. Tomorrow I show the whole thing.

Racing to Lose
Last year, I rode my bike to the staging area for the annual "Frozen Hog" race, a mountain bike race on ice- and snow-covered trails in Lambert Park, about a mile from my home in Alpine, Utah.

And then I looked at the people there, did a quick personal assessment, and turned around and rode my bike home.

Realizing I was in terrible shape, I decided that I had no chance of placing well. So what was the point?

This year, unfortunately for me, I have no such luxury. Because this year, the race is doing a couple of drawings for people to win bikes, with the proceeds from the local raffle going to the Huntsman Cancer Institute, and the proceeds from the virtual raffle going to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. And in both cases, the donations are being made in honor of my wife. (By the way, so far you all have donated $1130 to the LAF as your raffle toward that online bike. Thanks!)

So, like I said, I have to go.

The problem is, I am in considerably worse shape this year than I was last year. I’m fatter. I’m slower. I don’t really know if I can fit into my cold weather riding gear, to be honest.

So I need to adjust my expectations.

New Objectives
Since I don’t have any chance of winning this race, winning in my age category within the race, or even of finishing in the same part of the day as the respective winners of the race, I have established new objectives for myself as I race this Saturday.

  1. I will make my intentions known. Before the race, I’ll walk around the start area talking loudly with anyone I can find, mentioning loudly and often that I’m just here on a lark; I have no plans to ride hard, and certainly not to win.
  2. I will furthermore claim that this is nothing but a training ride. "This is a rest day for me, actually," I’ll say. "I’m just here for the atmosphere and because it’s a good cause, not because I want to race."
  3. I will not injure myself. I will race with caution and a certain mellow aplomb. I will be going so slow that if I fall I will have plenty of time to pull my arms close to my trunk, so as not to further injure my messed-up arms.
  4. I will be complimentary. I will say something encouraging to each person who passes me. Furthermore, I will make a point of saying a different complimentary thing to each person who passes me. Since I expect to be passed more than 300 times, this is an ambitious goal indeed.
  5. I will get in the way of Kenny. I hereby assert my intention to be lapped by Kenny and then body-check him as he passes me, knocking him into the snow, regardless of the very likely possibility that I will break his hip. I will then tackle him and claim I did this because I thought he was the abominable snowman and that I had it on good authority that "’bominables bounce."
  6. I will offer sage advice. At some point in the race, I am bound to finally settle in with someone who is going my speed. I will undertake to ride behind that person for the rest of the race, offering incessant advice. Mostly, that advice will take the form of "Stay on target" and "Hold your line." I may also advise him to pedal a rapid cadence, in circles.
  7. I will stay in zone 2. I will keep my heart rate below 130. I don’t even know if this is possible to do, since my heart rate usually hops to zone 3 when I’m waiting at the starting line. (Seriously, it really does.) If necessary, I will stop and perform relaxation exercises to bring my heart rate down to the target zone.
  8. I will offer snacks to those who look like they could use a snack. When I see someone who has clearly been depriving himself or herself far too often during this glorious season of weight gain, I shall offer him / her a can of Spam or a cheese cube, right on the spot. I will also offer nachos, though I’m not sure the nachos will hold up very well when I fall on them.
  9. I will strut around like I am a celebrity. "Hi, I’m Fatty. You know, the finalist in the Sports category for the 2008 Bloggies? Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal around here."
  10. I will give myself permission to quit the race on a silly pretense. I have never ever even once in my life quit a race. It’s high time I do.

I am more than happy to entertain your additional suggestions for objectives I should have during this Saturday’s race.

PS: Big Twin Six Four-Day Sale Starts Thursday (Tomorrow)
My friends at Twin Six — the company that designs and sells my jerseys, T-shirts, socks and bottles — is having a big sale, starting tomorrow. This’ll be a good time for you to pick up some great cycling gear at an outrageously good price.

As if that weren’t enough of an incentive, 10% of all sales from the T6 Spring Sale will be donated to Jenny’s Light, a newly-formed nonprofit foundation dedicated to building awareness, detection and treatment for postpartum disorders.

Great guys, great company, great jerseys, great sale, great cause.

Sounds pretty great to me.

PPS: This morning I woke up with the intention of riding the rollers for an hour. I took a look outside and realized I had a different kind of workout in store for me:


I don’t say this by way of complaint, by the way. Am I the only one who really enjoys shoveling the driveway?


  1. Comment by itty bitty | 01.29.2008 | 10:55 pm

    I love this blog. I spent a good couple hours reading all the archives. I often find a lot of scorn from people who call themselves cyclists, as I use my bike for commute rather than racing. Because I don’t race, or wear jerseys or whatever, and because biking is often my alone time, I find your stories to be like a peek into a world I don’t know. I like that a lot.

  2. Comment by Lins - Aust | 01.29.2008 | 11:10 pm

    You’ve left out the start of the race.

    Be on the front at the start line in the middle. When the race starts don’t move.

    That should provide a little “confusion” (i.e. animosity) behind you or if you want to provide extra “confusion” just as the race is about to start get off your bike, turn it sideways and check the front derailleur thus hindering 3 times the amount of riders. Plus it gives you the option of quitting the race straight away with a “mechanical”.

  3. Comment by Weean | 01.30.2008 | 12:25 am

    Whoa, you didn’t race, just because you wouldn’t place?

    If I’d taken that attitude during my racing “career” I still wouldn’t have started any races.

    The ‘point’ is, it’s fun, Fatty. Wasn’t it you who taught us that? I feel like I’ve just caught Mr Miyagi watching porn.

  4. Comment by SloBoy | 01.30.2008 | 12:33 am

    I once overhead a guy saying “If I couldn’t finish in the top 10%, I wouldn’t race”

    Mu natural British politeness deterred me from putting him straight, but my internal conversation was telling him – in no uncertain terms:

    - if everyone felt like that, every race would have precisely one starter (i.e. the putative winner). Or maybe two if you add in the delusional guy.

    - there’s only one winner at an MTB race and that’s the guy who wins the Elite event. Everyone else in the elite race is a loser and everyone NOT in the elite race is ducking the issue by downgrading and is therefore a Pot Hunter.

    That said, I was happy to feel that I helped to make that guy’s day by giving him one more “also ran” to trounce.

  5. Comment by FatArsedWombat | 01.30.2008 | 1:29 am

    Fatty, much like the relief at your first OTB (“Phew – good to get THAT out of the way”), you will be liberated by your first DNF. Sure, you don’t want to make a habit of either, but, you know, it’s good to not rule out certain experiences. May I suggest you give yourself compliments (“Yessss – nice line there, Fatty”) as well as sage advice (“Just keep spinning”) while you are without company?

  6. Comment by Little1 | 01.30.2008 | 2:05 am

    One of the funniest posts for me ever! Laughing out loud is just what my day needed! THANKS!!!!

    Other things to do on races, 1) point vociferously and comment on the amazing view 2) sing songs but only the chorus or part of a verse over and over, asking everyone to join in 3) stop and ask spectators if they have any sherry (it is a race in the snow afterall)

  7. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 01.30.2008 | 3:27 am

    As a person of significant importance (or the spouse thereof) at such an event, shouldn’t you be in the beer tent pressing the flesh rather than out on the nasty bike in the nasty weather?

  8. Comment by Al Maviva | 01.30.2008 | 3:40 am

    So other than your increased pulchritude, how is this different from every other race you do?

  9. Comment by cyclostu | 01.30.2008 | 4:54 am

    I say that you go for the walking around like you’ve got it goin’ on and posture like you’re a big shot celebrity. Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. It would contrast well when you start tackling Kenny and dropping out of the race after the first lap. I also think that you should dress like Yukon Cornelius. That would give you more credibility when you bring up the Bumble and their inate bouncing qualities. That’s awesome.

  10. Comment by Donald | 01.30.2008 | 5:21 am


    Yes, I voted… for you. Have fun in the race.
    Maybe you should really throw people off and wear tube socks with FAT green stripes at the top… and make sure you pull them up well above your calfs.
    That should really rock. Cheers, DJ

  11. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.30.2008 | 5:59 am

    I think you should race out of the start has hard as you possibly can until you hit the single track, and THEN back it down to zone 2. Everyone likes that guy at a race.

  12. Comment by cheapie | 01.30.2008 | 6:19 am

    i think if indeed you do the above, you will be posting about how your first DNF came as a result of having been on the wrong end of a beatdown.

    but hey, as long as it will be amusing to read, go for it!

    and it’s really not fair to announce your new jersey on the same day that T6 will be having a sale. my wife is going to kill me. i’m still trying to justify a new X.0 rear derailleur and hanger for my ellsworth. new e-motion rollers. new windproof LS jersey. and now a new fatty jersey and a couple new T6 shirts? i’m still working on justifying the expense of a gunnar SS or a gf superfly. sigh….thank God for a good tax return and a year-end bonus. plus the stimulus package (gag). woohoo!

  13. Comment by Mike Roadie | 01.30.2008 | 6:22 am

    Alma: Yesterday you write 20,000 words and today one line? Are you working on Roger Clemens’ next defensive tome?


    Given yesterday’s political tone, here is what the Lance Armstrong Foundation says about getting involved……

    Unacceptable gaps exist between what we know and what we do to prevent, screen and treat cancer.

    We must fight to close these gaps and end unnecessary suffering and death.

    By applying what we already know we can save 1/3 of the 560,000 people that will die from cancer this year.

    That’s more than 186,000 lives. Saved.

    We must make cancer a national priority. And you can help.

    Our local and national initiatives help to raise awareness and advocate for legislation that expands access to cancer screening, treatment and survivor care.

    Unite with us and help put an end to the needless suffering and death caused by cancer.

    LIVESTRONG Presidential Cancer Forum
    Cancer is now a leading question for all presidential candidates. The two-day LIVESTRONG Presidential Cancer Forum ( critical questions about fighting cancer on a national stage.”

    Hopefully, that will make you want to help out and join the fight against cancer by clicking the LAF Logo on the side bar, or by going to:

    Fatty: Thanks for the update on Susan yesterday!

  14. Comment by Pedro | 01.30.2008 | 6:45 am

    DNF’s are ONLY acceptable if it is some sort of mechanical break you CAN NOT fix.

    I once spent 20 minutes fixing my bike on the side of the trail on a course that is about an hour ride.
    I finished regardless.

    There is a certain satisfaction to it and you still can hold a smugness over the people who DNF’d for smaller, sillier reasons.

    Plus, it makes it look all the better when people study your split times from year to year on an event and see a random 30 minute improvement.

  15. Comment by eunicesara | 01.30.2008 | 7:13 am

    1. You’re not going to quit. It’s not your style. Perhaps you ought to read the blog by that silly boy who kept riding with his shorts inside-out. Oops, that silly boy was you!
    Then there was that masochistic 100 mile ride to nowhere for the love of Susan and to raise funds for LAF.
    2. You will be complimentary because you are a STAR and you have STATUS and you now have a duty to be a ROLE MODEL (so no beating up on Kenny).
    3. Let Susan hang out in the beer tent collecting compliments on how great she looks and how it’s wonderful to see her walking so well. (well, you said she does!) She can pass out the nachos.
    4. Take pictures.

  16. Comment by buckythedonkey | 01.30.2008 | 7:19 am

    Good luck in the race. If you do manage to unseat Kenny, a “HUZZAH” on every subsequent lap (should you deign to complete them) should rub it in good and proper.

    Good old Twin Six and their sale. Sadly I won’t be partaking on account of their determination to persist in their reliance on the utterly useless US Postal Service uninsured/unsigned-for “delivery” option (“delivery” = “loss” on 2 out of 6 orders so far to the UK).

    Please, please, please tell me that you’ll be shipping the new jersies yourself, as before. If not, don’t worry – I’ll come up with a delivery address in the USA. I just need to know.

    Pedro, I find that snapping the valve stems off inner tubes is an accidental mechanical that I can repeat often enough to exhaust any amount of supply, thus meeting your requirement that a DNF only be for an unfixable problem…

  17. Comment by Daddystyle | 01.30.2008 | 7:56 am

    Hola, that Mexican sound makes me feel warm on a day like today.

    Glad to hear some good news about Susan. Still thinking of her.

    Got my vote for the Bloggies,

    Your a rockstar now and there are certian obligations that go with that.[I do not mean alcohol and drug abuse], go, have fun, wear mittens, stop and take photos.

    Hate to brag but [ok, that's a lie] I am down 15 pounds. Of course I gained 40 the last 2 years since I stopped racing.

    Ride on

  18. Comment by DrCodfish | 01.30.2008 | 7:57 am


    Your approach is all wrong: Don’t think of this as a race and yourself as a bush league, out of shape nobody.

    Arrive on the scene as a rock star, (rent a Hummer!) as a media darling, the antidote to Brit! Greg Lemond ‘rode’ an event up here (RAMROD) a few years ago and it appeared that his real function was to dispense celebrity pub, NOT to ride, complete, or in any way put up a number that others could aspire to.

    You are the new Cippo; smile alot, wear a FC Jersey, have your autograph sharpie consipcuously at the ready, and be quick with the witty retort. (Might want to do the teeth whitening thing the night before).

    With this approack NO ONE expects a top ten finish, or a finish at all for that matter. In fact, just swinging a leg over and riding out with the pack becomes optional. Especially if you let it be known that you are overdue at the next ‘media event’ but wanted to be sure to grace the racers with your presence.

    Act like you are somebody, I’ve seen this dozens of times, oh yeah, VERY becoming!

    Yr Pal Dr C

  19. Comment by El Animal | 01.30.2008 | 8:09 am

    What is the problem with your post? is it incitement to violence because of Kenny’s attack? Or it’s because of the politically incorrect comment where you say that you are “fat”.

  20. Comment by KanyonKris | 01.30.2008 | 8:16 am

    Fatty: Since I’ll be helping with registration and check-in, I’ll make up a special number plate and bib for you covered with gold glitter that says “VIP – Fat Cyclist”. It’ll be less embarrassing than if you write it on yourself. This may also solve your worries about the race – you will be too mobbed by fans to get to the starting line. ;)

    My bet is you’ll enjoy the race. Sure there are a few riders who keep up their fitness year-round, but most riders will be in your same boat (I know I am). I’ve raced the Hog a few times and it has a friendly and fun vibe. Sure riders put some intensity into their riding, but most realize the semi-lunacy of a bike race in snow and refuse to take it too seriously. The vast majority of the time people are willing to make way for passing if asked, the fast guys lapping me are polite and there was a lot of laughing and smiling faces.

    Botched: I seriously laughed out loud at your comment! Thanks, man!

  21. Comment by axel | 01.30.2008 | 8:31 am

    hey fatty, while others race to win, your job as the supreme cycling blogger on the web is to race for stories. you should turn around and go home if the trail conditions are too good, or if it looks like you’d win easily. You should race if the race conditions are epic, your form is poor… you know what good stories are made of.
    And we don’t want scripted tv reality show stuff…

  22. Comment by MTB W | 01.30.2008 | 8:59 am

    Hilarious post, as usual. Love the “‘bominables bounce” – seriously, where do come up with this stuff?

    You need to set up a tent on the course with a big sign (“Get Your Famous Fatty’s Autographs and Pictures Here”) so you can stop every lap, sign autographs, snap photos and act like a celebrity. You can even have a big (pun intended) placard of you at the tent so riders and fans alike can get a pic posing next to “you” even while you are out riding. Thus, the perfect excuse for not “winning” – just ride like the celebrity you are! Of course, you will need to carry pens during the ride so you can sign other rider’s jerseys.

  23. Comment by Lifesgreat | 01.30.2008 | 9:02 am

    I remember successfuly signing up for a tri that filled up very quickly. “Someone” whined saying the “truly competitive” ones should have registration priority and since “Someone” was a very competitive triathlete, he should have gotten in. I thought, “You may be faster than me on the course, but I beat you at” I may not be “truly competitive” but I sure have fun.

    I will not be racing Saturday (I can’t bring myself to ride my only MB, my 18 year old Bridgestone MB5, in the snow) but may show up in case Fatty hands out Velveeta as the aforementioned cheese cube.

    Good luck Fatty and thank you for the Susan update!

  24. Comment by KanyonKris | 01.30.2008 | 9:15 am

    Fatty: I’m a mutant too – I enjoy snow shoveling. Working a desk job it feels good to do some manual labor now and then. And getting outside in Winter is critical to fighting off cabin fever.

    Lifesgreat: Snow is not hard on bikes. You get your bike wet, right? Snow is no different. But I can understand your protectiveness – bikes are our babies.

  25. Comment by Grump | 01.30.2008 | 9:15 am

    11. I will not be passed by anyone in the 75+ masters group. (even if I have to break their hip)

  26. Comment by UpNorth | 01.30.2008 | 9:29 am

    I too enjoy the shoveling. And my dog loves it, she gets to run around saying “hello” to all the neighbors.

  27. Comment by je | 01.30.2008 | 9:45 am

    snow shoveling is a good core exercise — I learned that from Piotor.

    And you need to remodel your third bay on the garage to allow you to drive the bikemobile in without worrying about the bikes up on top. That’s my plan when I add the third bay next summer.

    Also, look for a little Frozen Hog mention in the DMN tomorrow.

  28. Comment by Little1 | 01.30.2008 | 9:55 am

    cool pic! i love checking out snow pics…down here in sunny s.a. we don’t see much of the stuff! p.s. ok, ok i get it.. i already voted!… for u of course!

  29. Comment by leroy | 01.30.2008 | 10:13 am

    One piece of advice on the snacks:


    Everybody likes fondue.

    Carrying a heated crock pot will keep you warm during the ride. Those long forks make good tire levers and motivational prods.

  30. Comment by Uphill Battle | 01.30.2008 | 10:18 am

    Fatty, you are not the only one who enjoys shoveling the driveway. I love to do it! I also like to cut my 3/4 acre lawn with a walk behind mower, and rake leaves. Physical labor has its rewards….cookies! cakes! nachos!

  31. Comment by Ka_Jun | 01.30.2008 | 10:23 am

    Spam musubi, man, you should eat and share some Spam musubi. God, I’ll kill for some, right now.

  32. Comment by Jackie W. | 01.30.2008 | 10:29 am

    Nice house & good job on the snow removal !

  33. Comment by NinjaPlease | 01.30.2008 | 10:40 am

    Growing up in Michgian, I find snow shoveling very peaceful. It is especially peaceful if the douche bag next door does not have his snow blower out makin all kinds of racket.

    I would also like to note, that it is only peaceful for the first 5 weeks of winter. After that, I want to put a hole in my head and end my misery.

  34. Comment by Lifesgreat | 01.30.2008 | 10:51 am

    KanyonKris: Yes, my bikes are my babies, but selfishly, I was thinking about what would happen to me if I rode it around the frozen wasteland. ;) I am older and fatter than Fatty.

  35. Comment by Dan K | 01.30.2008 | 11:03 am

    Great post, as usual. Bominables bounce, on good authority = priceless.

    I have an additional suggestion regarding your advice to “just keep spinning”, and your intentions to keep it in Zone 2. I suggest you sing your advice, to the tune of “just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin” from Finding Nemo. I expect reaction to range from laughter to outrage, and can picture Kenny doing laps trying to rid his head of “Just keep spinnin, just keep spinnin” in that sing-song voice.

  36. Comment by Clydesteve | 01.30.2008 | 11:22 am

    I am expecting Kenney try to lap you very quietly and quickly. I think an additional piece of equipment (besides the fondue pot) is in order.

    You need one of those RV rear-view video cams, so he cannot sneak up and pass before you realize that it is time to leap.

  37. Comment by cheapie | 01.30.2008 | 11:26 am

    ninja…right on. there are few things more exhausting than digging through the several feet of crud that the plow left at the end of your driveway. and i’m always overdressed. i’m always sweating and ticked off by the time i end the job.

    most of the reason i’m ticked off is the fact that i have a great two-stage snowblower in the shed that i have neglected to get fixed. for two years now! sigh…yes. i am that lazy.

  38. Comment by doug | 01.30.2008 | 11:30 am

    Hmm, kinda disapointed in your objectives – thought you were cooler then that. I say get rid of the objectives, ride your race (w/o excuses), and just have fun.

  39. Comment by fatty | 01.30.2008 | 11:57 am

    doug – what startles me is that you ever thought i was cool at all. i mean, really. bald, fat, middle-aged white guy == polar opposite of cool.

    grump – i hereby intend to adopt your objective 11 and act as if i came up with it myself.

    daddystyle – congrats on losing 15 pounds. next week i am going to relaunch the “win money from fatty” program that launched this blog. i need some kind of motivation.

  40. Comment by aussie kev | 01.30.2008 | 12:04 pm

    of course as soon as the gun goes for the start – you will ride like the wind for maybe 20 minutes before settling into your “race plan” we cyclists cant help ourselves !!!!!

  41. Comment by JP | 01.30.2008 | 12:32 pm

    As you have already documented, you carry a variety of tools with you. One of your goals should be to be a good samaritan and help anybody you come across with a mechanical. If you’re really dedicated, you can make a simple slip of the chain take hours to repair.

  42. Comment by JC | 01.30.2008 | 12:33 pm

    12. Pause inconveniently and regularly to speak into microphone (real or imaginary) up your sleeve about the race (or cheese). If required, explain “just making notes for my world famous and bloggy finalist blog. Hope you voted for me buddy.”

  43. Comment by Don ( | 01.30.2008 | 12:38 pm

    Fatty: You just wanted to show off your house… And that’s OK!
    By the way (BTW for all you young hipsters) Nice house!
    Also: No, I HATE shoveling, then again my driveway is extremely long, it can fit about 15 or so cars.
    Can’t wait to see the sale and new jersey tomorrow.

  44. Comment by emma | 01.30.2008 | 12:47 pm

    No, I love to shovel snow as well. This works well in our house, because my husband has a bad back and likes to sleep in.

  45. Comment by Boz | 01.30.2008 | 12:53 pm

    Bald, fat, middle-aged is the new cool. Thought you might like to know that.

  46. Comment by DOM | 01.30.2008 | 1:40 pm

    Is it too late to claim a scheduling conflict? That would catapult you many celebrity levels. People might refer to Lance bailing on Leadville as having pulled a Fatty.

  47. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 01.30.2008 | 2:05 pm

    Am I the only one who thinks the hints of the new jersey design look like they were rendered on a blackboard?

  48. Comment by 29er | 01.30.2008 | 2:25 pm

    Dude- you rode 100 miles on rollers and call yourself out of shape? Get out! Also I can’t believe you live so close and have never raced the Frozen Hog before. It really is fun. My category is the last to start and the first to get lapped by Kenny and friends. I can’t vouch for what happens later in the race but they are very kind when passing old women. You could buy one of those fake ponytails to stick out the back of your helmet and ride with us if you are really worried. See ya there!

  49. Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.30.2008 | 2:49 pm

    The house Fatty shows has been extensively photoshopped. In reality it’s a pathetic, sad hovel that is hardly fit for humans to live in.

  50. Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 01.30.2008 | 2:59 pm

    I absoluetly hate shoveling. For me, it ranks up there with raking leaves. I tried to have my wife do all of the shoveling this season, but she is playing that whole “I can’t because I’m pregnant” card. Pffft.

  51. Comment by Sans Auto | 01.30.2008 | 3:28 pm

    I too like shoveling the driveway. I spent lots of time on that myself. Why did you only shovel half of yours?

  52. Comment by kenny | 01.30.2008 | 3:51 pm

    I highly doubt that I will lap you, but now that I know your dastardly plan, if I do come by you I’m going to give you a hard punch to the kidneys. “On your Left, Fatty” umf

  53. Comment by Dobovedo | 01.30.2008 | 5:11 pm

    I implore you… do not, under any circumstances, let objective #10 happen.

    Here’s another solution… show up with a handmade entry number: white letters on black background. Wear this proudly and declare for all to hear, “I am here to honor the Giro’s decision to reincarnate the “maglia nera” by introducing the “numero nero”.

    This, of course, is an Italian version of the Tour de France’s “lantern rouge”.

    In other words: come in dead last.

    In the words of Oscar Gatto, last year’s Giro winner, “To finish… is always better than abandoning.”

  54. Comment by DNAtsol | 01.30.2008 | 10:58 pm

    great post and comments.

    A few pointed rib jabs seem to be the rage for this post and who am I to violate social norms…

    First, Buckythedonkey, WRT to snapping valve stems, a far easier technique is to carry a fine gauge wire in your pack/saddle pack. VERY inconspicuous and virtually untraceable as a cause of continual tube failure and as a weenie way out.. not that I would ever condone such activity but for PURELY academic and informational purposes.

    Second, Fatty, given your gross (in terms of fan base size not hygienic commentary) popularity, to prevent carpal signing disorder I recommend an inkstamp. Think of the the legions of fans you could swoon and motivationally interfere with! It could actually make obsolete the “principles” of defeat you’ve proposed. Alternately, without an ink stamp the thousands, nay, millions of fans clamoring for your attention would seem another very “compelling” explanation for any less than ideal race finish.

    Finally, WRT shoveling driveways, have you heard of these wonderful devices called snow blowers? Personally, having been raised in the boonies and being the eldest son, hand shoveling a 100ft, wet maritime snow definitely does NOT appeal to me. Frankly, I’m a big fan of specialization. I educate our next generation of scientists, but have absolutely zero skill and motivation to shovel snow. Frankly, I barely remember how to stand upright, and that is only because I need that ability for my job, I prefer to leave shoveling to the experts. I’d rather have it done right the first time is my personal mantra/motto :)

  55. Comment by john | 01.31.2008 | 3:28 am

    I don’t get it – what was the “different kind of workout” you ended up doing? And what’s all that white stuff on the ground?

    Enjoy your “training ride”!

    John (in sunny Australia)

  56. Comment by Kerri | 01.31.2008 | 12:51 pm

    Completely off topic here, but did anyone else think when looking at Fatty’s photo of his house, “Man, what’s with that front door?” The house is nice, as much as a house with the garage front and center can be, but the door is SO the wrong color. It’s much too light for the color of the bricks next to it. I’d go for something darker, like blue or green. Maybe purple, if you’re adventurous?

  57. Comment by Scott | 01.31.2008 | 5:49 pm

    man, i love shoveling the driveway. don’t get much to do here in NV compared to southeast ID, but i take what i can get!

  58. Comment by Undomestic | 01.31.2008 | 7:45 pm

    I enjoy shoveling…when it’s not below zero..which it has been a lot lately in Minnesota!

    However, you said you enjoy shoveling the driveway…but not the WHOLE driveway I see!

    (I do the same thing, and my husband always gives me a hard time about it).

  59. Comment by Dan K | 02.1.2008 | 7:02 am

    Regarding Kerri’s comment about the door: I do agree the door is too light, but I wouldn’t go with any of the colors suggested. I think the natural stained wood look is the right move, it works with the brick and stone, it just needs a darker tint of stain. Of course, it’s all opinion, and if Elden & Susan like the light door than the light door is the right door for that house – it’s theirs.

    Oh, and I agree it’s a beautiful house. I love the masonry and incorporated windows.

  60. Comment by Sarah W. | 02.1.2008 | 7:27 pm

    First time reader sent over via pioneer woman…
    Very funny list!

    Although… that driveway you shoveled? It wasn’t shoveled. That was a snow blower job if I ever saw one, fatty! Can’t fool this Alaskan chick. Hope you had hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows afterwards, though! :)

  61. Comment by Co | 02.4.2008 | 9:27 pm

    Can we donate something based on the number of times you body-check Kenny?

  62. Comment by slowfatspeedskater | 02.10.2008 | 8:38 pm

    Nahh, that’s a shovel job, look at the edges, if it was a blower they’d be straight and sharp. Out east, we add chipping ice to our winter “core workouts”. Glad to read your blog fatty!

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  67. Comment by Angie | 02.3.2011 | 2:21 pm

    Hi Elden,
    I’m catching up to current! Soon, I will be able to post responses to your blogs as soon as they come out. I predict that you will like me as a blog commenter. I don’t doubt that you already do like me, and that you’re watching my progress as I diligently read your blogs. I’ll bet you can’t wait until that day I’ current… Well, actually, you’ll probably just feel a mild level of satisfaction that I’m current. You wouldn’t devote too much mental energy to just another blog commenter who fancies herself as a fellow blogger of all things bikes. Don’t worry, you won’t get any competition from me anytime soon. I am too busy with work, school, and biking to start up a blog. Plus, I told myself that once I graduate college, I’ll get singing lessons. I am a really bad singer and I’d like to not be embarrassed when I break out into a tune. I digress. So, I was saying that soon I’ll be current. Umm, do you even see comments to blogs this old?


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