BROOMFIELD, CO (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Shimano American Corporation announced earlier today that it is acquiring Colorado-based Pearl Izumi, Inc.
Many news stories have noted that management of Pearl Izumi would remain independent. No details, however, have been revealed as to product lineup and brand changes at Pearl Izumi.
The first change that will be made is to the company name, which will now simply be “Shimanzumi.”
“We’re very excited by this new company name,” said Shimanzumi’s Marketing Director, Geoff Shaffer. “It’s very fun to say.”
“Shimanzumi, Shimanzumi, Shimanzumi!” continued Shaffer, by way of proving his point.
Shimanzumi clothing will be aligned with component Shimano mountain and road group levels. Selected features of the new clothing lines are as follows:
- Dura-Ace: The lightest, sexiest cycling clothing available for the road cyclist. As precise as it is elegant, it will make Assos look sloppy in comparison. The only reason gold thread is not used in Dura-Ace jerseys is that it is too heavy. In order to keep your Dura-Ace clothing working properly, Shimanzumi recommends having it maintained by a certified Shimanzumi mechanic every three rides.
- XTR: XTR clothing will be much like Dura-Ace, but will come out two years later.
- Ultegra: Ultegra cycling clothing will fit as comfortably as Dura-Ace, will weigh only trivially more, will cost less, and will in fact be more durable. However, it will be imperceptibly less sexy-looking, and your riding friends will know that you don’t consider yourself as deserving the very best.
- LX: The 2010 LX clothing line will be nothing more than the 2008 XTR clothing line, with different silkscreens applied.
- Tiagra: The Tiagra clothing line will fit and feel just fine, until your friend persuades you to try on a pair of Dura-Ace shorts, “just to see how they feel.” From that point forward, you’ll never be happy with your Tiagra shorts again. This is by design.
- Alivio: The Alivio clothing line will be made of burlap bags that have been specially treated to combust in sunlight and dissolve in water.
New Color Schemes
All Shimanzumi clothing will be black, grey, and silver. No exceptions.
Shimanzumi Total Integration
Shimanzumi clothing is designed to be worn together: shorts, jersey, socks, shoes, and gloves. While it is theoretically possible for cyclists to ride while wearing other brands of clothing mixed in, it is not recommended.
The jerseys have been made two inches shorter, for example, to accommodate the fact that the shorts have been made to go two inches higher. As long as you wear both, you’ll have excellent midriff coverage. If, however, you wear Shimanzumi shorts with a Castelli jersey, your warranty is void, for starters. Also, Shimanzumi clothing has been found to cause rashes and chemical burns when mixed with other clothing brands.
You’re just better off discarding your existing clothing and going forward with an integrated Shimanzumi setup. It’s inevitable anyway, so you may as well embrace it.
The Shimanzumi alliance is uniquely positioned to cross over into additional sport markets. Specifically, look for wicking, lighweight, form-fitting hip waders to come out in 2009. Followed by a fishing vest made of high-tech fabrics in 2010, with extra-deep pockets and elastic arm gathers.
Shimanzumi will implement a planned obsolescence strategy into its clothing line, where every three years, an entirely new clothing line with new sizes and exponentially more complex clothing parts are shipped. They will be lighter and fit 15% more precisely, at which point you can expect to be scorned for wearing your previous-generation Shimanzumi clothing.
Enthusiasm and a Precaution
Says Shaffer, “We’re very excited by the new directions and opportunities this melding of two great cycling companies affords us.”
“If, however, you get a slight tear in any article of Shimanzumi clothing, discard it at once and buy a replacement. Shimanzumi clothing is not designed to be patched or otherwise repaired. Contact your nearest cycling clothing service center at once for a replacement.”