Exclusive! Details of Shimano’s Acquisition of Pearl Izumi
BROOMFIELD, CO (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Shimano American Corporation announced earlier today that it is acquiring Colorado-based Pearl Izumi, Inc.
Many news stories have noted that management of Pearl Izumi would remain independent. No details, however, have been revealed as to product lineup and brand changes at Pearl Izumi.
Until now.
Company Name
The first change that will be made is to the company name, which will now simply be “Shimanzumi.”
“We’re very excited by this new company name,” said Shimanzumi’s Marketing Director, Geoff Shaffer. “It’s very fun to say.”
“Shimanzumi, Shimanzumi, Shimanzumi!” continued Shaffer, by way of proving his point.
Clothing Levels
Shimanzumi clothing will be aligned with component Shimano mountain and road group levels. Selected features of the new clothing lines are as follows:
- Dura-Ace: The lightest, sexiest cycling clothing available for the road cyclist. As precise as it is elegant, it will make Assos look sloppy in comparison. The only reason gold thread is not used in Dura-Ace jerseys is that it is too heavy. In order to keep your Dura-Ace clothing working properly, Shimanzumi recommends having it maintained by a certified Shimanzumi mechanic every three rides.
- XTR: XTR clothing will be much like Dura-Ace, but will come out two years later.
- Ultegra: Ultegra cycling clothing will fit as comfortably as Dura-Ace, will weigh only trivially more, will cost less, and will in fact be more durable. However, it will be imperceptibly less sexy-looking, and your riding friends will know that you don’t consider yourself as deserving the very best.
- LX: The 2010 LX clothing line will be nothing more than the 2008 XTR clothing line, with different silkscreens applied.
- Tiagra: The Tiagra clothing line will fit and feel just fine, until your friend persuades you to try on a pair of Dura-Ace shorts, “just to see how they feel.” From that point forward, you’ll never be happy with your Tiagra shorts again. This is by design.
- Alivio: The Alivio clothing line will be made of burlap bags that have been specially treated to combust in sunlight and dissolve in water.
New Color Schemes
All Shimanzumi clothing will be black, grey, and silver. No exceptions.
Shimanzumi Total Integration
Shimanzumi clothing is designed to be worn together: shorts, jersey, socks, shoes, and gloves. While it is theoretically possible for cyclists to ride while wearing other brands of clothing mixed in, it is not recommended.
The jerseys have been made two inches shorter, for example, to accommodate the fact that the shorts have been made to go two inches higher. As long as you wear both, you’ll have excellent midriff coverage. If, however, you wear Shimanzumi shorts with a Castelli jersey, your warranty is void, for starters. Also, Shimanzumi clothing has been found to cause rashes and chemical burns when mixed with other clothing brands.
You’re just better off discarding your existing clothing and going forward with an integrated Shimanzumi setup. It’s inevitable anyway, so you may as well embrace it.
New Markets
The Shimanzumi alliance is uniquely positioned to cross over into additional sport markets. Specifically, look for wicking, lighweight, form-fitting hip waders to come out in 2009. Followed by a fishing vest made of high-tech fabrics in 2010, with extra-deep pockets and elastic arm gathers.
Yearly Revisions
Shimanzumi will implement a planned obsolescence strategy into its clothing line, where every three years, an entirely new clothing line with new sizes and exponentially more complex clothing parts are shipped. They will be lighter and fit 15% more precisely, at which point you can expect to be scorned for wearing your previous-generation Shimanzumi clothing.
Enthusiasm and a Precaution
Says Shaffer, “We’re very excited by the new directions and opportunities this melding of two great cycling companies affords us.”
“If, however, you get a slight tear in any article of Shimanzumi clothing, discard it at once and buy a replacement. Shimanzumi clothing is not designed to be patched or otherwise repaired. Contact your nearest cycling clothing service center at once for a replacement.”
Comment by FliesOnly | 02.19.2008 | 12:07 pm
Ha…Ultegra being less costly but more durable…good one! However, I think Shimazumi rolls off the tongue much more easily than Shimanzumi, but that’s just me. Nonetheless it’s certainly nice reading a fake news story once again. Reminds me of days of old.
Comment by the greg | 02.19.2008 | 12:30 pm
this is my first post, but your a genius fats. keep it comin and our hearts are with you
Comment by James | 02.19.2008 | 12:34 pm
Wow that was fast. No moss grows on The Fat Cyclist.
They just sent that release this morning.
Comment by Mocougfan | 02.19.2008 | 12:38 pm
Love it when you can mix in an Assos comment. Probably my favorite post ever.
Comment by SurlyCommuter | 02.19.2008 | 12:43 pm
ShimAssoZumi
Comment by Clydesteve | 02.19.2008 | 12:46 pm
So, it this Shimanizumi’s Revenge?
And… What about the 105 line? From what I heard, they had to cancel the line, since there is no difference between 105 and Ultegra but the color: black, and with black & silver Ultegra clothing, there was no difference, at all.
Comment by Mike Roadie | 02.19.2008 | 12:52 pm
Shimazumafjuiassosidigiantsram—when they all get done with it!
Good news, we passed the $1000 mark in kicking off the banner ad to raise $$$$ for the LAF here!!!! YAY!!! HUZZAH!!!
Be sure to help out:
http://bayarea08.livestrong.org/mike
Comment by Rob | 02.19.2008 | 12:56 pm
Home run! Very funny indeed, and dead-on.
I’ve been looking for the “Fat Cyclist Fake News Service” header on other sites and their coverage of Rock Racing and the Tour Day California, but haven’t see it……am I missing something?
Comment by Boz | 02.19.2008 | 1:08 pm
No wonder I just bought some PI mtb shoes so cheap. The Shimano shoes were still full price, but the Pearls were dicounted.
Comment by Mike V. | 02.19.2008 | 1:09 pm
Too funny!
Does this mean other cycling and clothing manufactures will soon follow this trend? I already can’t pronounce half of them-now what?
“Campagiro”
“Mavicasso”
Comment by Bob | 02.19.2008 | 1:19 pm
Thanks Fatty, I actually choked on a grape when I read that Alivio line.
Comment by Rob S | 02.19.2008 | 1:22 pm
GARSHIMANZUMIANIMALS…with tags.
Comment by Al Maviva | 02.19.2008 | 1:28 pm
>>>From what I heard, they had to cancel the line, since there is no difference between 105 and Ultegra but the color
Yeah, that’s what they want you to believe, because they want to sell you the 105 line, then get you to upgrade to the Ultegra line. But if you use the 105 clothing in a long race, you’ll find out that the chamois is actually plastic and prone to failure under heavy loads. Plus you’ll have trouble shifting your… um, shifting if you’re pedaling hard.
I’m a little disappointed, Fatty, that you left out the most interesting features of the Shimanzumi line. Your friends who ride their Fondriest or Colnago exclusively with licensed Campagnolo Wear will stop talking to you on the assumption that you are too stupid to actually use words, and if you could use words, they wouldn’t be artful or useful in any meaningful respect. Plus if you try to mix and match – say wearing Campy socks with Shimanzumi shorts – the border between the two pieces of clothing will break out in something that looks like shingles, but is much more painful and harder to get rid of, plus spaghetti will shoot out of your body like Guinea Worms. Um, so to speak. And if *any* part of either clothing line touches any part of a SRAM Red gruppo at any time, the clothing immediately bursts into flame, killing the user, similar to a Sony laptop if you try to use aftermarket batteries
Shimanzumi, naturally, is working on improving the design: The Dura-Ace ST line will have electronic climate control along with bib shorts that actually pull themselves down if you want to take a pee while on the bike.
The motto of the new clothing line is supposedly: “Shimanzumi: We’re Too Good for You.”
Comment by Mocougfan | 02.19.2008 | 1:30 pm
“So, it this Shimanizumi’s Revenge?” Props Clyde that was funny.
Comment by bikemike | 02.19.2008 | 1:38 pm
I am the president of Shimano USA so,i’m getting a kick out of these comments.
Comment by Tim D | 02.19.2008 | 1:59 pm
You have to roll 5 or 8 now or you will be stuck in Shimanzumi for the next 25 years.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 02.19.2008 | 2:06 pm
I heard that they have announced the signing of a 5 year deal for their corporate “face”. You guessed it; due to recent advances in cloning technology that the media are yet to catch wind of and the discovery of a discarded hairbrush on the set of Happy Days, Pat Morita, the actor all Americans can relate to is the face of ShimanZumi.
Comment by Terry | 02.19.2008 | 2:13 pm
bikermike, don’t mess with a good thing.
Comment by cyclostu | 02.19.2008 | 2:40 pm
Planned obsolesence and forced compatibility – the halmarks of Shimanzumi! Shimano is kind of like the Microsoft of the cycling world. Great post.
And BikeMike – are you seriously Shimano USA? I didn’t know that the serious movers and shakers of the cycling world hung out in the Fatty blogosphere.
Comment by KanyonKris | 02.19.2008 | 2:44 pm
But what if Perl Izumi had bought Shimano?
A line of Women-specific components?
Dura-gal, Ultegshe, 98 (but really weighs 105), Tiara, Aloevia?
Pastel colors?
Comment by bikemike | 02.19.2008 | 2:46 pm
naawww, sorry, i thought, fake news, fake career. actually i just come for the cake recipes.
and i do still get a kick out of the comments.
Comment by KP | 02.19.2008 | 3:16 pm
Great post FC, don’t forget all of the spinoffs: –Shumanji – line to be advertised by Robin Williams for the comedian in every cyclist. (As this will be a collaborative effort with Primal the jersey is only available in “Jungle Five” or “Hair Shawl.”)
–ShimFonzi – The new cool retro look, guaranteed to get the ladies or fix the jukebox! (ShimFonzi line only available in black leather, comes with free can of Brooks proofride…uh…hair grease.)
Comment by Born4Lycra | 02.19.2008 | 3:28 pm
I love the new markets. As a campy fan I always use the line that Shimano make fishing gear mainly don’t they so the hook up with fishing as a new market for the clothing was priceless.
Once again an enjoyable few minutes reading over my morning cuppa.
Comment by Madisonian | 02.19.2008 | 3:46 pm
Fatty, have you considered a low-paying yet fulfilling career with The Onion? This article seems like just what they would be looking for. Good coverage as always, I will continue to visit here for the finest in cycling-related news.
Comment by Al Maviva | 02.19.2008 | 3:50 pm
Well KP, if you’re going that way, why not have:
Shimagnolo – works great, looks pretty, inexpensive, and lubricated with a special oil made from the tears of tragically beautiful Italian supermodels who are weeping about the tremendous waste of talent known as Frank Vandenbroucke, or as he likes to be called, “Thom Bonen”.
Shimevrolet – at last the American made cars get a rep for reliability, and they start selling well. Unfortunately the cycling industry is crippled when UAW workers go on strike and start keying any Asian or Italian bikes they find in local bike racks.
Surlymano – the components function better than ever, plus they become incredibly cheap. Unforunately, they also weigh 46 pounds since they are made entirely from cast iron and depleted uranium, and for some reason they cause all road riders who use the components to grow immense beards and braided leg hair, to carry their flat wallets with a chain tied to a studded leather belt, and to swig whisky from bottles, which they carrier in their water bottle cages. Fortunately, the changes have no real effect on mountain bikers…
Comment by fatty | 02.19.2008 | 4:10 pm
madisonian – i’m a big fan of the onion, so i take that as a big compliment. thanks very much!
Comment by Terry | 02.19.2008 | 4:14 pm
bikermike, Have you at least stayed in a Holliday Inn recently?
Comment by KP | 02.19.2008 | 4:21 pm
Al – great ideas as always, we need to go global with this, expand our market base.
ShimJim – Beef Jerky with a shot of caffeine and the rBGH put back in, Randy Savage spokesman/human test subject is still on the payroll.
Shivmano – the prison weapon with a warranty. (Comes with free travel soap on a rope, limit one per order.)
Shimanglow – cycling apparel that glows in the dark! Perfect for the nighttime commute or the club ride to the dance rave.
Okay, I am done.
Comment by Travis | 02.19.2008 | 4:27 pm
I like Robin Williams are very lucky in the fact that we don’t have to spend anything on Jerseys, as we always sport our own, always in fashion tops. It has climate control, and with a Razor can be adjusted to suit winter, summer climates.
On the turbo trainer at home, it helps wick away moisture by collecting all the sweat in the belly button area then dripping slowly onto your shorts.
Comment by isela | 02.19.2008 | 5:21 pm
Hilarious! This type of news is worth reading ;)
Comment by Boz | 02.19.2008 | 5:30 pm
Shimbozumi- second run, poor quality control, destined for year end clearance on back page of Nashbar catalog. May be phased out in next big corporate mearger or aquisition. Not to worn on group rides of any meaning, least one wants to be scorned or ridiculed. But still a money maker.
Comment by Don (cyclingphun.blogspot.com) | 02.19.2008 | 6:25 pm
Im really mad… you beat me to this.
Comment by Rocky | 02.19.2008 | 7:21 pm
Might they not have gone with the more acurately descriptive Pearl Sham?
Comment by Marrock | 02.19.2008 | 7:46 pm
Does this herald the next generation of “luxury body” design?
Comment by graisseux | 02.19.2008 | 8:12 pm
I just wish someone had reached Dr. Lammler for a comment on this story. Any word on Shimanzumi spalming products?
Comment by Co | 02.19.2008 | 8:44 pm
maybe FC should come out with a spalming product, rather than waiting on Shimi.
Comment by bikesgonewild | 02.19.2008 | 10:47 pm
…you made a funny, mr fatcyclist, but you know this could all come true…
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 02.20.2008 | 4:13 am
Rocky – have you got their new album yet?
Comment by Brian | 02.20.2008 | 9:21 am
Shizumi.
That is all.
oh – ps – Fatty, you gonna be holding helium balloons at your weigh in Friday??
Comment by mbonkers | 02.20.2008 | 10:04 am
Fatty – Awesome
Al – Also Awesome
Comment by Clydesteve | 02.20.2008 | 11:23 am
Al M: Shimanzumi, naturally, is working on improving the design: The Dura-Ace ST line will have electronic climate control along with bib shorts that actually pull themselves down if you want to take a pee while on the bike.
Dear Al, when I pee while riding & wearing bib shorts, I always roll up a leg. May we assume from this comment that you stand up on the pedals, and, while racing no hands, remove jersey and pull down your bibs, in order to relieve yourself?
Wow! Those are intense skilz! But given the opportunity, I am not sure I would want to watch. Of course I do slow down and gawk at car wrecks…
Comment by Clydesteve | 02.20.2008 | 11:32 am
There is a very funny?, ironic?, possibly crude run-on url in the contextual ads at the top of the web page.
The first is the link to Assos wear from competetivecyclist.com/(shortened version of the brand name favored by Dr. Michael Lammler). This url is right next to another link for Shimano gruppos that sounds like it has to do with inappropriate modalities of interacting with bikes.
Just saying.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 02.20.2008 | 2:30 pm
Clydesteve – when I pee while riding & wearing bib shorts, I always roll up a leg
Personally, when I pee while riding I dismount and go behind a tree. My trackie quads deny me the ability to roll up the knick leg and my pizza enhanced gut prevents me from having enough free material to pull the bibs down… (pull the bibs down as in mine and Al’s case don’t involve removing the shoulder straps but simply hooking a thumb into the front and stretching). You’re welcome for the visual image.
Comment by KanyonKris | 02.20.2008 | 4:17 pm
fatty: has the diet made you irregular? I’m talking about the post frequency! ;-)
Comment by Mike V. | 02.20.2008 | 4:45 pm
How does news of merger between two giants in the cycling world digress to peeing in bibs? Isn’t that why there’s a chamios sewn in the crotch anyway?
Comment by Bluenoser | 02.20.2008 | 6:09 pm
You have to do two pounds in less than two days fatty. That’s not good for you…
I can use the hundred bucks towards my new wheelset.
-B
Comment by Lickety Split | 02.21.2008 | 2:17 pm
How fat are you??
LS
Comment by Mike | 02.22.2008 | 12:03 pm
shimanzumi, shimanzumi, shimanzumi!
I’m waiting for Robin Williams to jump out of the wall. Nope.. Not yet.
Comment by D$ | 02.22.2008 | 5:27 pm
Wow, my 3 year old writes better material. I mean, c’mon, shimanzumi? Strike’s over, man!
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