How to Choose Your Bike’s Color

03.31.2008 | 9:03 pm

When you buy into a bike, you need to take several things into account:

  • Road or mountain: Not everyone knows this, but most modern bikes are built with a specific application in mind. Some are better for going fast on smooth pavement. Some are built to handle offroad riding, letting you go up and over roots, rocks, you name it! Before you go into a bike shop, make sure you have a good idea which kind of bike you want.
  • Cheap or very expensive: You’d be amazed at the great gulf that separates the least expensive bikes from the most expensive. A good-but-reasonably-priced bike can cost less than $700, while a custom-made exotic can cost ten times that amount. Ironically, the more expensive bike may weigh only one tenth as much. You’d think it would work the other way around.
  • Which part of Taiwan was the bike built in? All bikes are now made in Taiwan, but not all of them are built in good neighborhoods in Taiwan. Ask the salesman, “Which city in Taiwan was this built in?” I’m sure you’ll get a prompt and helpful answer to that question.
  • Was it built using IsoTruss technology? If it wasn’t, it’s simply not worth having.

What you may not have considered, however, is the bike color. The fact is, your bike’s color can say a lot about you, your riding style, and your value as a human being. Yes, it’s really that important. Consider:

  • Red: If your bike is red, it says that you like to go fast, and also that you do not fear the sight of blood. If you are a timid rider, do not get a red bike.
  • Black: If your bike is black, it says that you are either Emo, or that you don’t mind constantly cleaning your bike, because black really shows every speck of dust. I hope you’re not Emo, because Emo riders aren’t fun to ride with. They’re always listening to sad music, sighing heavily during the ride, and applying more black eye makeup during rest stops.
  • Green: Don’t buy a green bike. If you have a green bike, someday you’ll lean it against a green tree or lay it down in the green grass and — poof — it will literally seem to disappear, due to the camouflage effect. Then everyone will have to get down on all fours and search for your bike by touch. It’s just not worth it.
  • Orange: Depends on the color of orange. If it’s the color of orange juice, that’s fine, because that’s an honest orange. Same thing goes with pumpkin. Blaze orange is also good, but for a different reason: it will protect you from hunters. All other colors of orange are forbidden.
  • Yellow: What, you think you’re some freakin’ “Mellow Johnny?” Is that it? Well, you’re not. There’s only one “Mellow Johnny,” and it’s Lance Armstrong. OK, I’m glad we’ve settled that. No yellow bike for you.
  • Carbon Fiber: If I had all the money in the world, I would buy a nice steel frame and have it painted to look like carbon fiber. I think that would make an awesome statement.
  • White: White is a terrific bike color, if you like to be boring.
  • Grey: If you own a grey bike, everybody you ever ride with will feel slightly sadder, without knowing why. Also, they will know that you took this bike because it was in stock and on sale, not because it was really the bike you wanted.

I could go on, but I’ve lost interest.

PS: For those of you wondering why I didn’t do an April Fools’ post this year, it’s because I was busy writing one for a friend at a tech website. Click here to check it out.


  1. Comment by TP | 03.31.2008 | 9:48 pm

    You actually don’t even need all the money in the world.

  2. Comment by Eric | 03.31.2008 | 9:51 pm

    Don’t forget the rust-colored orange, which is good for making an aluminum, carbon fiber, or titanium bike look rusty.

  3. Comment by Ant | 03.31.2008 | 9:55 pm

    Drats. There goes that bright yellow Felt I had my eyes on…

    More information required – what combination of colours are acceptable?

    More importantly – what do the stickers and decals mean? What if I want to ‘accesorise’ my ride with the latest promotional stickers that came in the goodie bag at last months 24?

    And the most important issue of all – jersey / frame colour interference? Brand interference? What if you’re wearing a Surly jersey while riding your Celeste Bianchi and your Campag knicks, all while running a Durace drivetrain?

    So many permutations… so many credibility issues…

  4. Comment by Vince | 03.31.2008 | 9:57 pm

    Red Bike; Black Car…I thought about doing it the other way around, but its harder to pedal the car up hill.

  5. Comment by graisseux | 03.31.2008 | 10:27 pm

    You sir, have my number. I got an incredible deal on my bike frame on eBay, and guess what color it is. Alas, ’tis indeed grey. How did you know!?! I’ve sent today’s entry along with a picture of my bike and the price I paid for it to everyone I know. I’m sure they’ll be just as astounded as I was.

    I swear, your wit is only matched by your unbelievable ability to wrap the entire cycling world into a neat, little–though gigantic in humor, package, and deliver it fresh to my computer everday. Posts such as today, this paragon of what every cycling-oriented, humor blog should endeavor to be, are the reason you’ve won your long overdue Bloggie.

    Mr. Fat Cyclist, never stop blogging. The day you should stop–heaven forbid, the world will be a dark, lonesome place wherein I will strive fruitlessly to fill the depressing vacuum of a life you’ve left me with.

  6. Comment by Ant | 03.31.2008 | 10:30 pm

    By the way, am I the only one that thinks French President Nicolas Sarkozy bears a striking resemblance to our Royal Fatness?

    Have a look at×500.jpg and see for yourself.

    Or maybe Elden is moonlighting when he is not busy being a high-powered blogger in the paunchy, middle-aged, bicycle lifestyle demographic…

  7. Comment by Beast1624 | 03.31.2008 | 10:30 pm

    3 of mine are black. For me there isn’t any other color. They may be hard to keep clean but nothing looks better.

  8. Comment by Born4Lycra | 03.31.2008 | 10:40 pm

    My stead is black and orange Euskaltel style and on its own looks really really fast. But when it’s next to me it just looks nice which is okay really but it might depress the lovely Spaniards that made it. They put a lot of love and attention in that paint job. Maybe it should be grey.

  9. Comment by emily | 03.31.2008 | 10:53 pm

    and my dark blue says what, now . . . ? : )

  10. Comment by trio | 04.1.2008 | 12:09 am

    So what do my two blue bikes say about me?

  11. Comment by eliel | 04.1.2008 | 1:15 am

    Oh Elden “Award-winning blogger” Nelson. I am not worthy of your wit and wisdom. You are the king of the cycling blogosphere and I shall remain content being a peasant pedalling in your kingdom.

    If I see your highness face to face one day, I shall dismount from my lowly department store bike, revere at your royal custom-built bike, and bow low before you, and thank your lordship for this magnificent piece you have written. If your Kingship will find favor in me, he will personally advice me what color my bike shall be. I will then thank you profusely while kissing your road shoe.

    Long live King Fatty and may he continue to write entries of this kind: great, funny, insightful and timely

  12. Comment by CiA (Canuck in Australia) | 04.1.2008 | 1:47 am

    Mate- the Bard himself couldn’t have penned better. Just love the way your intuition works.
    Perhaps throw in the fashion concious angle- some people might be looking at matching the bike colour to their hair or eye colour- like “getting your colours done”

  13. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 04.1.2008 | 2:00 am

    Actually I think you’ve got it backwards with the the whole red bike/blood relationship.

    I have a red track bike because I don’t like the sight of blood… kind of counter intuituve I know but when people are crashing all around you (as is often the case in track racing) if their blood splashes up onto a red bike it’s invisible.

    Although I do have a red road bike because I like to go fast.

    And I also have a red fixie because it helps to channel my anger.

    I do have a white station wagon though because I hate blood and anger and speed when I’m driving.

  14. Comment by Mike Roadie | 04.1.2008 | 3:19 am

    Ho Hum………

    I enjoyed your last-ever post. We will truly miss you. You weren’t that funny (or that fat) anyway.


  15. Comment by TIMK | 04.1.2008 | 3:22 am

    What about purple? A friend just bought a purple Specialized FSR XC for about half price – is purple a shade of gray? He’s threatening to put yellow pedals on it, might as well do a yellow saddle too and start wearing a Lakers jersey.

    I’m not sure if my shade of Orange is in the forbidden zone. It’s close to the FC jersey orange, so I’m hoping I’m OK.

  16. Comment by Walt Roscello | 04.1.2008 | 3:37 am

    Wow, you hit the nail on the head. My bike just happends to be red because that’s the color it came in that year, but then I found out that it’s a fast bike – bonus for me.

    But, what about blue? My tandem is blue, and even more, it has sparkly metallic paint. Can you please update the post so I know what type of riding I can and can not use a bike with metallic paint for?

  17. Comment by Sprocketboy | 04.1.2008 | 3:43 am

    When I bought my bicycle, the builder offered me a choice of 38 different colours. This took much longer to decide than anything else on the bike.

    I agree with you about the grey. I am sure titanium is a wonderful frame material but it looks so, well, morose.

  18. Comment by tim | 04.1.2008 | 3:50 am

    Sarkosy as Elden…..genius. Can someone photoshop out the boufant and we could really be going places.
    my bike is black and white. yes, it was an end of season clearance. black and white = grey. So perceptive fatty.

  19. Comment by fatty | 04.1.2008 | 4:39 am

    grasseux, eliel, cia, walt roscello, tim – thank you for the kind (and, frankly, highly-deserved) words. i poured my very soul into this post, and am glad to see my efforts recognized.

    sprocketboy – titanium isn’t grey. titanium is lustrous and beautiful beyond compare.

  20. Comment by S_H | 04.1.2008 | 5:01 am

    Try the Jacobsen Carbon Wrap-it System.

    It actually removes weight from your bike, as well as giving it the cool carbon fibre (<— cool continental spelling, yo!) look.

  21. Comment by paul | 04.1.2008 | 5:06 am

    Thank you fatty, I was getting worried since both my mt. and road bikes are sort of silvery, and made in the US. Polished titanium is so easy to spot in the woods or a group. Also pretty old, but I am not allowed to get a new bike till rust or failure take one or both.

  22. Comment by LanterneRouge | 04.1.2008 | 5:21 am

    So, green bikes don’t actually disappear they just seem to disappear, literally. That’s good to know.

  23. Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 04.1.2008 | 5:22 am

    wow elden

    you keep raising the bar.

    Funny Stuff.

    Thats why you have such loyal commenters

  24. Comment by mtnbker | 04.1.2008 | 5:25 am

    Fatty, most EXCELLENT post as always!! You have hit the nail on the head. As all serious riders know, it is not the componentry that matters, it’s the color. The only people that care about the components are the bike weenies that spend more time standing around admiring their shiny steeds, and each others lycra. As the rest of us know, when your going really really really REALLY fast the only thing you can see is the color – hence the most important aspect. Thanks yet again Fatty, only the best blogger in the world could bring such eloquence.

    Btw… what does my grey FC bottle with the orange lid say about me?

  25. Comment by Boz | 04.1.2008 | 5:25 am

    No mention of the most versitle color – silver. I have 3 silver and one orange, the orange being a vintage Batavus. It’s rather homely and doesn’t get ridden much. The silver bikes all fight over the privilage of supporting my m(ass) when I head out to ride. I do love the color silver. It goes with all other colors. Perfect!

  26. Comment by Don ( | 04.1.2008 | 5:30 am

    So, Silver, Red, and Champagne. Road, MTB, Step-through bike that’s the wifes… what does it say about me?

  27. Comment by sans auto | 04.1.2008 | 5:30 am

    My first racing bike was pink, what does that say? And why did Novara make their top of the line road bike pink? Oh wait, they called it ‘bubble gum’.

  28. Comment by Paul | 04.1.2008 | 5:44 am

    Agreed Fatty naked Ti almost brings tears to my eyes, it is so beutifull

  29. Comment by fatty | 04.1.2008 | 5:44 am

    don – it says more about you than you want it to.

    sans auto – pink is an awesome color. you should celebrate your pink bike.

    boz – actually, the most versatile color is clear. i have one of those. it’s even harder to find than my green bike.

    mtnbiker, eufemiano – thanks! this post does have a hint of genius to it, doesn’t it?

  30. Comment by Bikerchick_IL | 04.1.2008 | 6:07 am

    Okay, so this one is a little dated, but here’s what your bike says about you:

    You are old, and so is your bike. You managed to convince your spouse/family/significant other to let you spend an ungodly amount of money on a bike, only to have titanium appear two years later. You have a prostate the size of a grapefruit.
    Trek OCLV
    You are cheap. You were suckered by Trek’s marketing into believing that the OCLV is just as good as a “real” bike. You cracked the first one you had, and Trek “warranted” it with one that has the US Postal paint job that they couldn’t get you to buy in the first place.
    You are either an attorney or a dentist. You whined for months to get your spouse/family/significant other to let you buy a bike instead of paying for college for your kid. With your new 17-lb superbike you are now able to ride 1/3 of a mile an hour faster than you were on your old Raleigh.
    You are either an attorney or a dentist. You whined for months to get your spouse/family/significant other to let you buy a bike instead of paying for college for your kid. With your new 17-lb superbike you are now able to ride 1/3 of a mile an hour faster than you were on your old Schwinn. And all those arguments about how “Merlin is better than Litespeed” are now moot.
    You are young. However, age will soon catch up to you, and your prostate will be the size of a basketball. And your Cipollini-inspired sprint is every bit as fast as it was on your old Huffy.
    Italian Steel
    You are gullible. You are convinced that the Italian passion for cycling in some way translates to mechanical competence. You therefore ride a bike produced by the same craftsmen who brought us the Fiat.
    Italian Carbon Fiber, Italian Titanium, Italian Aluminum
    You are suicidal. You trust your life to aerospace materials in the hands the same craftsmen who made Italy such dominant force in the world market for military and commercial aircraft.
    “Classic” (ie. old) Italian Steel
    You are delusional AND suicidal. You believe that the fine Italian “craftsmanship” can only get better with age (just like the Fiat).

  31. Comment by Al Maviva | 04.1.2008 | 6:13 am

    Color: steel painted with natural rust, greasy, semi-dried-on sweat, some vomitus, road grit, a little dried on blood, and the tears of orphans consigned to a Pakistani sweatshop. What it says? Hi! I’m Al’s $200 winter training roadbike! Wanna go for a ride? Say, I like you better than my last rider… I can’t say what happened to him. Don’t make me angry…

  32. Comment by Harp | 04.1.2008 | 6:25 am

    I’m thinking of a possible pink bike. What does that mean?

  33. Comment by bikemike | 04.1.2008 | 6:49 am

    HA! April Fools on us. choose your bikes colors, that’s hilarious. i never woulda seen it coming. classic. i’m gonna try this on my friends.

    great one Fatty.

    oh wait, nevermind.

  34. Comment by Adam | 04.1.2008 | 6:57 am

    That was amazing. One of the funniest posts I have ever read here at the I spit my cereal all over my monitor. thanks for a hilariously off-color post! Get it? Off color? HAHAHAHa!

  35. Comment by jwbikes | 04.1.2008 | 7:11 am

    Think pink, baby…..mine is actually called pearlescent pink. Built with fine italian tubing and campy parts from the bin 12 years ago now and only has 17000 miles. Most people just smirk as they pass by….not red enough to make me faster and as an added bonus I have never lost it in a crowded rack. I guess that just makes me old, slow, fat, and gullible.

  36. Comment by ka_jun | 04.1.2008 | 7:15 am

    Man, seriously some of your best work to date, fatty! Who hasn’t spent hours pondering just the right color and more hours doing research on the internets about rig color? Does it match my helmet, how about offset the color of my eyes and my cycling specific socks? Awesome work, I’m suprised you didn’t post it on bikeradar first, I feel privileged!

  37. Comment by Walt Roscello | 04.1.2008 | 7:25 am

    LanterneRouge: “literally” means that although it is physically impossible for a bike to disappear, it does so anyway because it makes a good story.

  38. Comment by AJ | 04.1.2008 | 7:28 am

    Well my god, how profound, awesome and full of fantasticalness this posting is. I’d never thought about what the colour (I’m the right side of the Atlantic!) of your bike says about you before.

    As always, you are like a great cycling Buddha, full of wisdom.

    Truly I am humbled before your greatness!

  39. Comment by F2Matrix | 04.1.2008 | 7:28 am

    Amazing entry, I feel it should be published. Just your luck I represent the journal of People for Classification by Color Choices (affectionately called Colorices) and we would like to nominate this blog for inclusion into our upcoming issue, “Troubles With Teal and Other Half Colors” Your story is a very complete work (I especially love how it classifies me by my blue bike) and it really could be nominated for our yearly a Colorices Award. Please let me know.

  40. Comment by M2 | 04.1.2008 | 7:30 am

    Dude, you’re killing me! I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing sooo hard! Truly one of your funniest posts ever! You ARE the man! Now, what’s your take on chartreuse or ocher?

  41. Comment by leroy | 04.1.2008 | 7:38 am

    I have a dream that we will one day live in a nation where our bikes will not be judged by the color of their frames but by the content of their components.

    Unless, of course, the bike is a used fixed gear on Craigslist selling for a ridiculous price.

    Then all bets are off.

  42. Comment by Craig | 04.1.2008 | 7:44 am

    i laughed out loud at the bit about the more expensive bike being heavier.

    Who would have ever thought that?

    irony is a sultry mistress indeed!

    well done FC.

  43. Comment by Mauricio | 04.1.2008 | 7:52 am

    great post
    as an owner of a beautiful pink and white giant iguana 2008, i must say that i know color is the single most important decision you will ever make when buying your bike
    full xtr? but it has a white frame!
    give me the shimano alivio in black with flames

  44. Comment by Trapperdan | 04.1.2008 | 7:59 am


    You’re killing me here. I think my boss is calling HR and security. I’m laughing my butt off. This is most definitely the funniest post I’ve ever read.

    But, this is also a most timely post as I cannot decide what color “Schwinn-Huffy” hybrid to purchase at the neighborhood Wal-Mart store. I was torn between the violet, yellow or green. I guess violet it is. Thanks for sharing the wisdom that only you possess.

  45. Comment by KT | 04.1.2008 | 8:03 am

    Hm…. well, I just got a new bike and it’s black and silver with purple highlights.

    I don’t care what the rest of you think, I think it’s pretty.

    And isn’t a pretty bike the most important thing?


  46. Comment by TIMK | 04.1.2008 | 8:09 am

    I must say that I am increasingly astonished by your eloquence and humor. This post is absolutely brilliant and clearly represents why you won the Bloggy.

    Got to scoot the boss is wondering why I am laughing so hard. Brilliant post.

  47. Comment by Philly Jen | 04.1.2008 | 8:11 am

    I had a red road bike. I crashed the red road bike. I now have a gray road bike.

    @Paul: Fatty naked and Ti-ed brings a tear to your eye? I don’t think that’s legal in Utah. Quick, please cover him with these here commas: ,,,,,

  48. Comment by Orbea Girl | 04.1.2008 | 8:53 am

    Loved the article and [redacted] I really wanted an orange and black Orbea but chose a black and white one instead which doesn’t clash with any of my cycling outfits.

  49. Comment by UpNorth | 04.1.2008 | 8:54 am

    My mountain bike is red – it definitely makes me faster.

    My brand shiney new Giant Bowery is white. Not boring at all – it is hot! I have friends with white bikes. We were going to plan a “white bike ride” but then decided that it might sound racist….

  50. Comment by Uphill Battle | 04.1.2008 | 9:03 am

    Fatty! The [redacted] are pure genuis! It took em a second or two, but I got it!

  51. Comment by L'Hippo | 04.1.2008 | 9:05 am

    Love the [redacted]. I knew they were [redacted] because they were not blocked by the company proxy server!


  52. Comment by MTB W | 04.1.2008 | 9:07 am

    Oh Fat One, I must bow down to you work of art today. Truly inspired and superior stuff. The [redacted] are just icing on the cake – [redacted]. Hilarious! This post is certainly befitting one of your grand magnitude as a award winning blogger. Be sure to display your award in the front window, just like the award in the “Christmas Story”.

  53. Comment by Blue | 04.1.2008 | 9:12 am

    You Rock!! Keep it going! I’m always surprised by the great diversity of your posts. Honestly I don’t know how you do it. Maybe it’s the hours of riding without headphones :)

    PS. I have a black and white road runner; a black, silver and gray all-mountain; and yet I think recently they’ve been blue because of my self imposed winter hiatus.

  54. Comment by fatty | 04.1.2008 | 9:14 am

    bikemike, adam, ka_jun, aj, f2matrix, m2, craig, mauricio, trapperdan, timk, mtb 2, and blue: thank you very much for acknowledging what i now can admit is the very pinnacle of my writing career. i poured my very soul into this, and it’s good to see people who know art when they see it.

    uphill battle, l’hippo, orbea girl: i have severely redacted your comments because i found them inflammatory and inappropriate. please reword in such a way as to be more complimentary.

  55. Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 04.1.2008 | 9:30 am

    Another amazing, inspiring, and thought provoking post that once again has me learning new insights about my soul.

    Fatty, your posts should be required reading at educational institutions across our nation. Wait… across the world! I proclaim that your writing is as great as Dickens, Tolstoy, and even William Shakespeare himself.

    Thank you Fatty, for enlightening us all.

  56. Comment by born4felt | 04.1.2008 | 9:35 am

    Fatty, I must say that the unadulterated beauty of this post made me weep. How can such a refined and subtle mind exist in our coarse, degraded world? It’s as if you put out your hand and touched the face of God, and the touched me with that very same hand. Touched me softly. Brava, fatty, brava.


  57. Comment by Rocky | 04.1.2008 | 9:49 am

    Bummer. I currently ride black (M) and grey (R). It’s odd that I am here from a red and a yellow bike. I suck. And I am apparently emo and sad.

  58. Comment by Campy Dog | 04.1.2008 | 9:57 am

    ROTFL! Your best work ever, Fatty!

  59. Comment by Mrs. Coach | 04.1.2008 | 10:01 am

    You’ve done it again. I showed this to everyone in my office, especially since a couple of them are looking at buying bikes. This was such a huge help to them. I think you’ve converted a couple new readers.

  60. Comment by Jason Gee | 04.1.2008 | 10:06 am

    Fatty, this post was, insanely funny! So funny in fact that it prompted me to comment for the first time ever, by FAR your best entry to date!

  61. Comment by Enormously Pregnant Cathy | 04.1.2008 | 10:20 am

    ok, the article on bike color is cute and all, but have any of you noticed the subtle genius of the [redacted] today? Now THOSE are funny!

    Viva la [redacted]!!!

  62. Comment by Josmeh | 04.1.2008 | 10:27 am

    At first I laughed so hard that coffee came out of my nose and my sides hurt. But then it dawned on me “This was the funniest post ever written.” There is no reason to read again for as long as I live. Then I began to weep because all other bicycling related blogs with humor will bore me. Now I’m angry. Thanks for nothing, Fattie!

  63. Comment by Great Flatlands Rider | 04.1.2008 | 10:38 am

    It’s obvious you’re a genius. Explosively funny. Amazing talent. Just WOW. The funniest thing I’ve read in YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  64. Comment by Sketchy | 04.1.2008 | 11:08 am


  65. Comment by Mike Roadie | 04.1.2008 | 11:19 am

    You, sir, are the greatest!!!

    The comments are nearly as good!

  66. Comment by jwbikes | 04.1.2008 | 11:22 am

    Although I posted earlier, I have been thinking about the incredible content of today’s post. I have decided to create my own blog about my serious lack of biking talent due to the inspiration provided by this incomparable author. You sir have reached the pinnacle of success with your insight. I would not be surprised to see the new colors for next year with an “approvwed by Fatty” disclaimer.

  67. Comment by BP | 04.1.2008 | 11:45 am

    Your article changed my life. I am going to go have all of my bikes repainted red because I want them to be faster. You really should submit this to bicycling magazine – most people don’t realize the importance of bike color. More so than the information – the way it is written is amazing.

  68. Comment by Kenny's neice | 04.1.2008 | 11:57 am

    What if you have a Green, Black and White bike? Does that mean you are a hidden, dull emo??? I guess that works… Kinda…

    And what about brown!!

  69. Comment by Josh | 04.1.2008 | 1:18 pm

    Amazing! Probably one of the funniest things of read in a long time. Top shelf my friend, top shelf.

  70. Comment by axel | 04.1.2008 | 1:27 pm

    I loved it – especially the blue – that hit home!
    funny stuff

  71. Comment by leroy | 04.1.2008 | 1:45 pm

    I laughed, I cried, I was moved, truly moved by today’s post. Cleary your best ever.

    You are truly one of nature’s noblemen to share your considerable gifts so freely.

    How you do it is one of life’s great mysteries.

    Robin Williams is a mawkish idler compared to you.

    Steve Martin is as nothing.

    Woody Allen? Phhpfff. Amatuer scribbler.

    Jack Handey? Calvin Trillin? Paul Rudnick? They’d struggle to remain in your draft.

    Bob Hope? Jack Benny? Eddie Cantor? George Burns? Don’t make me laugh.

    Moliere? He’s french for crying out loud.

    Pauly Shore — okay that one’s close.

    As is Bugs Bunny.

    But the bottom line: Awed, I am truly awed.

  72. Comment by Caloi Rider | 04.1.2008 | 1:53 pm

    Fatty, your chutzpah is overwhelming. I’ve been clutching my gut with laughter for the past four hours. You are truly at the apex, nay, apogee of your writing abilities. Please write six or seven more posts just like this one!

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get my obliques stitched back together. I’ve never felt so unable to control my laughter while being in so much pain before!

  73. Comment by Alex | 04.1.2008 | 2:10 pm

    Fatty!! I didn’t know you were a fellow geek. I’m a sysadmin where I work and we played some pretty good jokes today courtesy of VNC and SSH.

    good times…

  74. Comment by RoadRage | 04.1.2008 | 2:12 pm

    So what does a gas-powered purple MB say? Lazy or green, in an ironic sort of way???? Also I’ve found that by “redacting” various appendages I require almost no food or drink and have increased my fuel economy greatly…Although I’ll probably have no worries about gas prices after I finish paying for my new career lessons.

    Do you think Kenny would tutor me??

  75. Comment by kentucky joe | 04.1.2008 | 4:07 pm

    okay, I am still stuck on finding where the good taiwanese bike building neighborhoods are as it doesn’t seem to be on google maps…..
    I will get to worrying about my teal and white roadie a bit later…

  76. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.1.2008 | 4:34 pm

    Elden. You nailed it. Not only do I know about autoexec.bat foolery, I was reading it with bifocals.

    MY bike is clear. With polished aluminium underneath, so I can find it. But the red swoosh stripes make it faster, so people around me do not get as sad as the almost gray color would otherwise make them.

  77. Comment by Mrs. Coach's Mom | 04.1.2008 | 4:36 pm

    My bee-you-ti-full daughter told me about this site a year or so ago, and I finally logged on to see what she was so excited about. WOW!! I now understand her enthusiasm. I have several blogs I read each day, and I now will be adding this one to my list. In fact, it will be Numero Uno. The information is crazy-needful, the wit and humor know no bounds. I am a convert :-)

  78. Comment by MonsieurM | 04.1.2008 | 4:42 pm

    Impressive. So impressive. Oh, how I wish I could write texts only half as brilliant as this one. Every day, I think you cannot be better than the day before. And every day, you surpass yourself. I’m filled with envy and jealousy.

    Guess I’ll ride my emo-mellow johnny bike, thinking about your superiority.

  79. Comment by Skippy | 04.1.2008 | 5:26 pm

    I have a green bike (it’s my SECOND, in fact). I love it. Luckily for me, I live in the desert. There is absolutely NO way that I will lose it due to the dreaded “camouflage effect.” I am in awe of your obvious talent for prose as well as your demonstrated reasoning ability. I wish you well in regaining interest in this subject. I eagerly await your pronouncements on the subject of BLUE.

  80. Comment by Touched | 04.1.2008 | 5:35 pm

    The painted-like-carbon has been done! The Great Western Bike Rally had one at the bike show last year.

  81. Comment by one of your many, many hot sisters | 04.1.2008 | 5:41 pm

    “highly-payed blogger”

  82. Comment by Mbonkers | 04.1.2008 | 6:05 pm

    I’ve read this blog for three years now, and I think this post is by far the funniest I have read! I had to go to the hospital to treat the hernia I got!
    The subtle touch, the genius of the prose, the meter, the hidden rhymes! I’m copying the page, printing it out and keeping a copy in my desk for whenever I need a good laugh!

  83. Comment by aBridge | 04.1.2008 | 6:40 pm

    Eldon you ignorant slut my SILVER bike was made in Massachusetts not Taiwan. So there!

  84. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 04.1.2008 | 6:42 pm

    Wow, well my bike is red. And yes, I do like to ride fast. Well, fast for me, which isn’t so fast since I haven’t ridden in quite a while, and for the fact that I’m a chicken when going downhill…

  85. Comment by Jeff | 04.1.2008 | 8:41 pm

    Jeez Fatty, Ihad no idea you were such a Wozian geek. :)

  86. Comment by Dudley | 04.1.2008 | 8:47 pm

    Blue is the way to go. But only dyed carbon fiber blue. WIth a little clear caoting on it. That’s nice.

  87. Comment by Dudley | 04.1.2008 | 8:49 pm

    OH! And you want it built in a little smog-free town in Wisconsin, not a city in Taiwan or any other Pacific rim location.

  88. Comment by the greg | 04.1.2008 | 8:58 pm

    i have a black bike, and i just want you to know that the hilarity of your blog has brought me from the brink of depression and shot me into a heavenly sense of humorous bliss. you sir are a master of the amusing, witty, and original blog. you should be nominated for some kind of award, possibly given to you in a hotel room, even if you just give it to yourself. keep it coming.

  89. Comment by Primal | 04.2.2008 | 1:01 am

    Hi Fatty.

    I come to you and the all mighty community on bended knee. Mate I’ve done it, I’ve entered my first 24 hour MYB event.

    No, no… I haven’t trained nor will I have time to. The race is in two weeks and I’ve only been training on the road, I had no intention of doing a 24 HR MTB race until last night, no it was on a whim and a small nudge from a close mate. God help us as!

    Check out my latest post on Any and all advise is welcome… trust me I’m gonna need it!

  90. Comment by Boz | 04.2.2008 | 4:29 am

    Upon seeing the ad banners lately, I realize this site has gone to the dogs.

  91. Comment by Di | 04.2.2008 | 6:25 am

    “Upon seeing the ad banners lately, I realize this site has gone to the dogs.”

    Can you say, “Firefox!?”

  92. Comment by BurkeInTheOzarks | 04.2.2008 | 7:16 am

    Okay, I’ll bite.

    What the [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] is wrong with you people?!?! It’s NOT THAT FUNNY!!!

    P.S. I self-redacted my comment to save you the trouble, Fatty.

  93. Comment by Jeremiah | 04.2.2008 | 8:43 am

    What about unpainted Aluminum?

  94. Comment by fatdan | 04.2.2008 | 10:55 am

    Tree bark. That way you can use it as a deer stand when you go hunting.

  95. Comment by Tri | 04.3.2008 | 5:48 am

    Okay so heres the deal we all said that you would lose a green frame in the woods. Thank god mines a road bike and it clashes with the asphalt. But then it does this wierd color, someone put the wrong paint on, change to purple if I ride it directly into the sun on a Thursday at 10 oclock. Don’t know exactly what that one means can some one help me out!?!

    Love the article laughed so hard couldn’t ride til today, bruised my ribs, sucks actually but funny article.

  96. Comment by Reagan | 04.3.2008 | 7:51 am

    Great April Fools joke! I love the ads you made :)

  97. Comment by james | 04.4.2008 | 2:19 pm

    Aw man. As an architect, I refuse to wear black and grey because all these other blokes (I just wrote bloke) wear it as their unofficial uniform, and that’s too lame. however, while riding yesterday, I realized that I’m being hypocritical: I bought my Specialized Hard Rock pro used, and it’s black and grey! and my shoes, helmet, pants, jerzey….black and grey! argh. but it is true what the post said. Now you all know that all my stuff was bought used or on clearance. c’est la vie. and my road bike is a 1990 (ish) Trek 2300 composite which I got from my uncle, used. that’s the worst offender cause it is carbon tubing and white tubing. so many offenses right there. but I love it!

  98. Comment by Carlsen | 05.5.2008 | 6:58 pm

    I spent years working in bike shops part time for the same reason a lot of married guys did …. to be able to sneak new bike components past there wives. I got an entire chorus 10 speed groupo that way (it replaced my 85′ Super Record). Getting a frame was a little tougher. I was able to talk the wife into letting me get a Cannondale road frame on sale (1/2 price). The one catch, it was black. I’ve always preferred light blue for my road frame, with blue rims and bar tape. Now it’s black and blue, kind of like the bruises.

  99. Comment by dorf | 05.9.2008 | 9:05 am

    i have a black and red bike. no im not emo

  100. Comment by homer | 10.5.2008 | 9:06 pm

    i like black

  101. Comment by coetsee | 12.26.2009 | 5:12 am

    1. There’s a movement to radically change California government, by getting rid of career politicians and chopping their salaries in half. A group known as Citizens for California Reform wants to make the California legislature a part time time job, just like it was until 1966.


  102. Comment by Natalie | 08.18.2011 | 4:10 pm

    Your bicycle color analysis is hilarious!!!

  103. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Yesterday | 11.21.2011 | 11:32 am

    [...] How to Choose Your Bike’s Color (Edited) Press Release: Tour of America Reschedules for 2009 [...]


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