When you buy into a bike, you need to take several things into account:
- Road or mountain: Not everyone knows this, but most modern bikes are built with a specific application in mind. Some are better for going fast on smooth pavement. Some are built to handle offroad riding, letting you go up and over roots, rocks, you name it! Before you go into a bike shop, make sure you have a good idea which kind of bike you want.
- Cheap or very expensive: You’d be amazed at the great gulf that separates the least expensive bikes from the most expensive. A good-but-reasonably-priced bike can cost less than $700, while a custom-made exotic can cost ten times that amount. Ironically, the more expensive bike may weigh only one tenth as much. You’d think it would work the other way around.
- Which part of Taiwan was the bike built in? All bikes are now made in Taiwan, but not all of them are built in good neighborhoods in Taiwan. Ask the salesman, “Which city in Taiwan was this built in?” I’m sure you’ll get a prompt and helpful answer to that question.
- Was it built using IsoTruss technology? If it wasn’t, it’s simply not worth having.
What you may not have considered, however, is the bike color. The fact is, your bike’s color can say a lot about you, your riding style, and your value as a human being. Yes, it’s really that important. Consider:
- Red: If your bike is red, it says that you like to go fast, and also that you do not fear the sight of blood. If you are a timid rider, do not get a red bike.
- Black: If your bike is black, it says that you are either Emo, or that you don’t mind constantly cleaning your bike, because black really shows every speck of dust. I hope you’re not Emo, because Emo riders aren’t fun to ride with. They’re always listening to sad music, sighing heavily during the ride, and applying more black eye makeup during rest stops.
- Green: Don’t buy a green bike. If you have a green bike, someday you’ll lean it against a green tree or lay it down in the green grass and — poof — it will literally seem to disappear, due to the camouflage effect. Then everyone will have to get down on all fours and search for your bike by touch. It’s just not worth it.
- Orange: Depends on the color of orange. If it’s the color of orange juice, that’s fine, because that’s an honest orange. Same thing goes with pumpkin. Blaze orange is also good, but for a different reason: it will protect you from hunters. All other colors of orange are forbidden.
- Yellow: What, you think you’re some freakin’ “Mellow Johnny?” Is that it? Well, you’re not. There’s only one “Mellow Johnny,” and it’s Lance Armstrong. OK, I’m glad we’ve settled that. No yellow bike for you.
- Carbon Fiber: If I had all the money in the world, I would buy a nice steel frame and have it painted to look like carbon fiber. I think that would make an awesome statement.
- White: White is a terrific bike color, if you like to be boring.
- Grey: If you own a grey bike, everybody you ever ride with will feel slightly sadder, without knowing why. Also, they will know that you took this bike because it was in stock and on sale, not because it was really the bike you wanted.
I could go on, but I’ve lost interest.
PS: For those of you wondering why I didn’t do an April Fools’ post this year, it’s because I was busy writing one for a friend at a tech website. Click here to check it out.