Premium Products for Guaranteed Go-Faster Results

04.22.2008 | 5:42 am

A Note from Fatty: I’ve got a new article in BikeRadar today. You can read the snippet below, or click here to read the whole thing.

You want to be fast, don’t you? Of course you do. And you’re willing to spend large amounts of money to be faster, aren’t you? Of course you are. Otherwise, why would you be riding a bike at all?

Oh sure, there are a few of you out there who say you don’t care about being particularly fast; your goal is to have fun, or to see the outdoors, or get from point A to point B.

Pfff. You’re not fooling anybody. The only reason you’re saying those things is because you don’t know how to become faster.

Well, I can help. Through intensive research and market analysis (i.e., I made a list of ideas on a napkin during lunch yesterday), I have developed a premium brand of cycling components and apparel is exactly what you need to become the cyclist you dream of being.

It’s all very expensive, which should help you feel confident that it’s really, really good.

Here is a sneak preview from my Fall 2008 Catalog.

Aero-X Helmet
The trend among most cycling helmet manufacturers is to design helmets that cut through the air with a minimum of wind resistance. That’s all well and good if you’re trying to do your training with a minimum of effort, I suppose, but if you prefer to become a stronger, faster racer, perhaps you should consider my Ultra Large and Heavy Wind Dam Helmet.

Roughly the size of an extra-large beach ball, this helmet has been scientifically designed not to cut through the wind, but to block the wind. In fact, while you can order the perfectly spherical version of this helmet, we recommend the FS (Full Sail) version, which has a concave scoop in the front, guaranteed to make you have to fight the wind 40% harder during your training rides. We’re so confident in the wind-resisting properties, in fact, that if this helmet doesn’t make even the gentlest headwind feel like a frontal assault by hurricane force winds, we’ll refund your money.

But the training value of this helmet doesn’t stop with its wind-resisting benefits. Instead of using lightweight Styrofoam as its impact-absorption material, it uses low-viscosity oil. Just imagine how strong your neck, back, and torso — three areas usually neglected by cyclists — will become as you try to keep your head from lolling as you support the forty pounds this helmet weighs.

And then, imagine how light and agile you’re suddenly going to feel when you wear a normal helmet on race day. $385.99

HydroRetentive Shorts and Jerseys
While other cycling apparel manufacturers concentrate on lightweight, wicking clothes, We have designed a line of clothing that focuses on capturing and holding on to your perspiration, like a big cotton sponge. Your shorts will actually grow larger as you ride and perspire, imperceptibly resisting your efforts to an increasing degree as you ride.

Your new hydroretentive kit helps solve another heretofore-unknown training issue: cheating via on-bike weight loss. Normally, as you ride and perspire, you lose weight, so that by the end of the ride you may be as much as three pounds lighter than when you began the ride. This means that for a good part of the ride, you haven’t been riding with as much weight as you should be, which means your legs aren’t getting the workout they should.

By holding on to all the water you perspire during your ride, your new Hydroretentive kit ensures you’re getting as much of a workout at the end of the ride as you were at the beginning. Shorts: $320, Jerseys: $195.

Important Note: While these may look, feel, and behave like an ordinary pair of baggy cotton shorts and a cheap t-shirt, we can promise you that they are not.

Click here to continue reading "Premium Products for Guaranteed Go-Faster Results" over at


  1. Comment by cheapie | 04.22.2008 | 5:53 am

    will any of the above give me a luxury body?

  2. Comment by cyclostu | 04.22.2008 | 5:57 am

    You could also sell a “training bike” that *may* bear some resemblence to a 1970’s era Schwinn Varsity – that would incorporate a lot of the new technology in one cohesive package, all for the low, low introductory price of $2499 MSRP. You could also offer discounted kits for the bike, air damn helmet, and team kit.

  3. Comment by Mauricio | 04.22.2008 | 5:59 am

    you missed the solid concrete bike and wheels, roughly 400 pounds, extremely good for training uphill, really dangerous on downhill rides

  4. Comment by Josmeh | 04.22.2008 | 6:16 am

    What about the Reverse Crankâ„¢ (11 in front, 53 in back)?

  5. Comment by Big Boned | 04.22.2008 | 7:09 am

    I’m a bit disappointed.
    You know the best way to increase training effort is to add ROTATING weight.
    I’m a bit surprised you forgot the most revolutionary training device ever devised – it’ll be especially helpful to our triathlete friends that like to cross-train and get some swimming in. They’ll be swimming with the fishes tonight…CEMENT SHOES!

  6. Comment by Big Boned | 04.22.2008 | 7:13 am

    I did the calculations (Well, Sheldon Brown did…RIP)
    That reverse crank/cassette would get you 5.6 gear inches with a 27 wheel/172.5 crankarm.
    Even at his FATTEST, Fatty could push that with ease!

  7. Comment by mark | 04.22.2008 | 7:19 am

    I’m surprised there was no mention of nutrition, particularly with the FRS being advertised on your site today. Speaking of which, has anyone else tried FRS? I’m pretty sure you can make your own at home by taking one multivitamin and one bottle of gatorade and putting them in the blender for 45 seconds.

  8. Comment by bikemike | 04.22.2008 | 7:27 am

    Krispy Kreme Donuts. A dozen a day. That is all.
    After a month of these and then stopping, you won’t have to eat for 6 months, BOOM, instant speed.

  9. Comment by Bob | 04.22.2008 | 7:34 am

    How about only riding Marco Facciola’s wooden bike? I hear he’s making a road bike now out of balsa.

  10. Comment by L'Hippo | 04.22.2008 | 7:58 am

    Oh…I’ve been sick a couple days and cannot ride, this made up for it; I think the laughing qualified as some aerobic benefit, right?

    I already have some of those hydroretentive pants at home, they’re called “Huggies”, though I guess for my size I should upgrade to “Depends”.

    How about a solar still? As you ride along, it converts the humidity in the air to water, refilling your camelbak. Then the cycle is completed as you drink the water and sweat into the hydroretentive pants!

  11. Comment by Clydesteve | 04.22.2008 | 8:21 am

    I am laughing, just trying to imagine the visual of the kitted out rider in training.

    The mention above of increased rotating weight reminded me of a sight I saw on the road about 8 years ago, in Klamath Falls, Oregon, where I was working a construction job.

    You know those people that ride bikes in their regular clothes, dis-sheveled, and perhaps smelly clothes? The kid of people that are riding a cycle not because of health benefits, (they are often smoking on the bike!) but because of lack of liscense or money or because of driving ineptitude.

    Well, one of those sorts had a hom-made tri-cycle made from a full-sized baloon-tire three-speed Schwinn, and the rear end, axle, wheels, brakes and all from a 1952 Chevy pick-up truck. Equiped with a very large luggage basket behind the rider, this guy would pedal around town, mostly standing up the whole time, going hell-bent-for-leather from discarded pop can to po can.

    The cyclists among our group thought he would be a killer uphill racer, given a light bike and cycling kit, but we just couldn’t mentally place him in lycra!

  12. Comment by UtRacerDad | 04.22.2008 | 8:37 am

    Whats with the water bottles, you need to sell the Weighted Camel back, this gives you the ability to add anywhere from 20 to 100 lbs of extra lead weight in the camel back, and even as you hydrate and use the water in the camel back the majority of the weight will still be available for training purposes. these weights can come in nice vinyl coated 2 lbs sizes, no messy lead in the camel back and you can sell each 2lb weight for a modest 20.00 :).

  13. Comment by Mike from PA | 04.22.2008 | 10:34 am

    OMG By far, the funniest post I’ve read so far!

    Please add the following:
    -bike frame made entirely of depleted uranium. It weighs 1453 pounds and will garauntee sterility in as little as 2 rides.
    -stone tires and lead wheel combo. Adds an additional 342 pounds to the overall weight.
    -The 87/9 single-speed configuration

  14. Comment by Josmeh | 04.22.2008 | 10:37 am

    Yes Big Boned, the gear inches would be easy to push, but one would learn the valuable lesson on how to spin.

  15. Comment by Blue | 04.22.2008 | 10:49 am

    Fatty, this is totally off subject, but my curiosity is getting the better of me. What caused the noise in your ‘Infernal Racket’ post?

  16. Comment by Blue | 04.22.2008 | 10:58 am

    Nevermind, I just re-read the post. I kept looking for your comment, but then I should have expected the update in the post, I mean this is an award winning blog after all. FWIW I experienced the same phenomena on Saturday in the wind. It was a quiet but very annoying sound.

  17. Comment by graisseux | 04.22.2008 | 11:27 am

    …or just commute to work with a giant backpack. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of going on a non-commute ride after doing several days of commuting without a “normal” ride.

  18. Comment by Mike Roadie | 04.23.2008 | 2:11 am

    No gravity-antigravity flux capacitor?

  19. Comment by Richard | 04.23.2008 | 7:01 am

    I second the commute post. After lugging clothes and crap back and forth to work, a “weightless” ride on the weekend seems like heaven!

  20. Comment by sk8ermom3 | 04.23.2008 | 7:39 am

    Way back when I was young and stupid, as opposed to now, where I am old and stupid, I employed a version of the Power Brake, called the Power FRAME, whereby the rear wheel is offset so dramatically in the dropouts, it rubs against the frame. This has dual effect of wrecking BOTH the tire AND the frame whilst giving you a tortously slow ride. I completed my first road race with the Power Frame “engaged” only to have someone at the very end of the race point out to me that ” Wow, your wheel is rubbing on the frame, that must make it really hard to ride” Well Duuhhhh…. Note: I did manage to place first in my age group and was awarded a very nice basket of fruit or a hanging plant, I can’t remember.

  21. Comment by Hannah | 04.23.2008 | 10:28 am

    Finally someone who understands the merits of training on my $100 kmart special bike. once i upgrade, the world will be my oyster.

  22. Comment by PeterUK | 04.23.2008 | 1:36 pm

    On training rides I always drag a roll of chainlink fencing behind me…it works extremely well it helps on decents to,I have to ride extra fast so the roll doesn’t catch up with me..
    Last sunday I went for a fast group ride but forgot to untie the Fence, imagine how stupid I felt when someone poited my faux pas out to me half way through the ride…
    I will be the first to order all the gear you’re coming out with Fats, do you take paypal?

  23. Comment by KarrieLyne | 04.24.2008 | 9:33 pm

    Wow, I can say that your blog is one of my new found favorite reads!!! A friend of mine shared your link and I am so glad he did. I am new to riding, very very new and i am enjoying it and have high hopes of going far with it. Your posts are funny yet inspiring, so thank you! I look forward to more great reads and rides =) Oh, by the way, is there a money back guarantee on that helmet of yours…LOL!!

  24. Comment by Heribert Joester | 08.29.2008 | 9:07 am

    Ther is a House, Josmeh, for 6 Biker in Andalusia/Spain, a very good Bike Aerea, for training your biking.
    Rent it, becom a Slim Biker in a buitiful aerea of europe.
    Contact me for future Information.


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