For Emergency Use Only

08.9.2008 | 4:57 am

It’s 4:50am. Less than two hours ’til the race begins. I’m making final preparations. Like eating breakfast. making weather-based clothes decisions. And this:


Because you never know when you might want a packet of mayonnaise.

Don’t worry, there’s another packet on the other side, for balance and artistic symmetry.

As you can see, I’m taking this race very, very seriously, as befitting a very, very serious racer.


  1. Comment by bikemike | 08.9.2008 | 5:02 am

    in the words of Lou Gossett, “good luck May-on-naise”

  2. Comment by Hamish A | 08.9.2008 | 5:04 am

    Nice to see how the pros prepare for a race. This is why I’ll never be a serious competitor – I’d need a brat and plate of fries up there too. Just in case.

    Good luck, have an awesome time!

  3. Comment by Old Fart | 08.9.2008 | 5:33 am

    It’s going to be pretty funny when you fall on your head, rupture a packet, and look like the star of a bukkake film. NO ONE will offer aid.

    “Wha?…what IS this stuff?! Mayonnaise!!?? No, no…don’t touch him….”

  4. Comment by Philly Jen | 08.9.2008 | 5:33 am

    A very serious racer of the Iban Mayo school, no doubt.

    Have a fantastic ride today — can’t wait to read the updates.

  5. Comment by Yukirin Boy | 08.9.2008 | 7:18 am

    do you stick you spare gum on your helmet too ?

  6. Comment by Travis | 08.9.2008 | 7:48 am

    where is the secret bottle of coffee? have a good race, and take care of that shoulder

  7. Comment by david | 08.9.2008 | 8:31 am

    I predict exhaustion of the meager mayo supply before mile 60.

  8. Comment by redsox | 08.9.2008 | 8:46 am

    You realize, don’t you, that mayonnaise is a class B controlled substance.

  9. Comment by Miles Archer | 08.9.2008 | 8:58 am

    By the time you read this you will be finished the race. I hope you are doing well.

    Anyway, consider the mayo packets like airbags. If you fall on your head, it might help cushion the fall.

    Last year I had a slow speed fall climbing a steep hill. I fell over and landed on the bananna that was in my side pocket. While the bannana was crushed, it was still tasty.

  10. Comment by Tyler | 08.9.2008 | 9:00 am

    I hope you aren’t planning on using that as chamois butter.

  11. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 08.9.2008 | 9:22 am


  12. Comment by Boz | 08.9.2008 | 10:36 am

    I would love to see what that science project will look and taste like after a day in the hot sun atop your sweaty dome. Can you spell food poisoning? Yummm.

  13. Comment by Ronster | 08.9.2008 | 10:48 am

    Dang it… Boz beat me to the punch. Mayonnaise? Exposed directly to the HOT sun for a few hours? That’s bad juju dude..

  14. Comment by Marrock | 08.9.2008 | 11:15 am

    Tyler, that’s what the avocado is for.

  15. Comment by Keith | 08.9.2008 | 11:41 am

    I think there’s a 50/50 chance at least one of the packets will explode in the hot Colorado sun, at the most inopportune time of course. I can’t wait to read the post-ride report!

    Good luck, Fatty!!

  16. Comment by Mike Roadie | 08.9.2008 | 11:44 am

    Sorry…..but if it ain’t Hellmann’s (or Best Foods for you Westies) it ain’t Mayonnaise. Heinz makes Ketchup, remember. Their mayo definitely has NO superpowers!


  17. Comment by Lifesgreat | 08.9.2008 | 12:10 pm

    Mayo packets are easier to carry than a can of Cheez-whiz.

    Go Fatty!

  18. Comment by judi | 08.9.2008 | 4:12 pm

    You are going to have a great time! YAY! GO FATTY!

  19. Comment by Beth | 08.9.2008 | 4:21 pm

    Go Elden.


  20. Comment by a sister | 08.9.2008 | 4:28 pm

    Real mayonaise?
    Look at you acting like you weren’t raised on Miracle Whip.

    Good luck Fancy Cyclist.

  21. Comment by bikesgonewild | 08.9.2008 | 4:45 pm

    …wtf…thought you were gonna use dznuts…

  22. Comment by Jaime O. | 08.9.2008 | 5:07 pm

    Dear Fatty, you’ve lost your mind. Again.


    Your blog readers and faux fans.

  23. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 08.9.2008 | 6:35 pm

    Ah, oh!

    There weren’t any updates today… here’s hoping you and your shoulder are okay…….

  24. Comment by Marrock | 08.9.2008 | 6:40 pm

    Can’t lose something you never had to start with.

  25. Comment by KT | 08.9.2008 | 6:50 pm

    That’s just…. disturbing.

    And yeah, I thought you were gonna use DZ nuts?? Shoulda attached that tube o’ weirdness to your head.

    Sounds like you’ve already got your fun on.

    Win, Susan! I’ll be rockin’ the pink 08 FC tomorrow at Bridge Pedal for you!

  26. Comment by Tom | 08.9.2008 | 8:27 pm

    Not crazy… you have to display your sponsors somehow.

  27. Comment by Lisa B | 08.9.2008 | 9:28 pm

    Ah, that’s why Lance came in second – he’d stopped for a tuna sub with Fatty’s extra mayo!

  28. Comment by Chris | 08.9.2008 | 10:14 pm

    Love it!

  29. Comment by just fat | 08.10.2008 | 12:50 am

    Mayo is Aero!

  30. Comment by Groover | 08.11.2008 | 5:41 am

    I have past this on to a serious racing Mayonnaise fanatic … he is wondering why he didn’t come up with the idea. :-)


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