Journal of Dr. Prescott, Part IV: How Embarrassing

09.15.2008 | 10:35 am

6 May, 7114

I spent all of last night unable to sleep, worried that I would soon meet my maker, worried that I would be forced to defend myself from — or even attack — one of these uncivilized Dirty People.

And sure enough, as dawn broke, there was a disturbance in the forest, and then the Dirty People broke through. They looked much as I described them yesterday. But if it were not for their arms — the Dirty People have muscular forearms, usually completely covered with primal markings — they would be nearly indistinguishable from the natives that I have come to know.

And then the battle began.

I am not a soldier, by any means, but — quite bravely, I thought — I picked up an irretrievably out-of-true aluminum frame (the natives here could not bear to use any serviceable cycling equipment as weapons) and waded into the fray.

And that is when I discovered two remarkable things.

  1. I am by far and away the mightiest warrior on the island. In a matter of seconds, I had felled three of the Dirty People, as well as one of the road-riding natives (the latter was completely by accident, I assure you). Then primal instincts overtook me and within three minutes, I had a good sized pile of human wreckage surrounding me.
  2. Nobody on this island can fight at all. Through the thick haze of bloodlust, I heard someone say, “Dude, just chill!” And that’s when I realized that while everyone else was fighting, nobody was getting hurt. The people of both tribes are completely inept at hurting one another.

I apologized and began tending to their wounded. Fortunately, nobody had been seriously hurt, and evidently the Dirty People have developed the ability to heal quickly, as well as a cheerful acceptance of pain as a fact of life.

Then, as a show of brotherhood and no hard feelings, I assisted some of the Dirty People with heavier bikes — evidently the Dirty People have subclasses, much as the Thin Ones (as the Dirty People call the natives I have been staying with call them) — as they slowly pushed their bikes back up to the top of the mountain where they dwell.

I find the tribes and subtribes of this island worthy of study. I believe I shall stay here indefinitely, where I shall endeavor to learn their ways. I will send reports of my success in this regard as events warrant.


  1. Comment by Ethan | 09.15.2008 | 10:57 am


  2. Comment by Jodi | 09.15.2008 | 10:58 am

    I’m pretty sure some of the dirty people have made their way onto the F Train in Brooklyn.

  3. Comment by Boz | 09.15.2008 | 11:03 am

    Way to pile ‘em up w/o really hurting anyone. How humane. Too bad real wars don’t work this way.

  4. Comment by PissedOffCil | 09.15.2008 | 11:04 am

    “a cheerful acceptance of pain as a fact of life”. Indeed! Some of those Dirty People tend to seek pain too. “You only feel alive when you feel pain” they say!

  5. Comment by Mike Roadie | 09.15.2008 | 11:18 am

    I waited 4 days for that??? I wanna see blood and guts and veins in yer teeth!! Our intrepid narrator as super-warrior–I think not!!

  6. Comment by Maria | 09.15.2008 | 11:59 am

    Those three magic words to end all conflict — “Dude, just chill.” If it only were that easy, eh?

  7. Comment by Alexia | 09.15.2008 | 11:59 am

    The “dude, just chill” made me LOL hahaha ;-)

  8. Comment by Paul | 09.15.2008 | 12:34 pm

    “The people of both tribes are completely inept at hurting one another.”

    Perhaps what you perceived as a fight was actually a strange marriage ritual, useed to improve bloodlines and prevent any evolutionary weaknesses.

    Were you able to observe the feet of the “dirty people”? were the cleat like protrusions distinctly different from the “thin people”? Double sided?

    Did the “dirty people” continually bounce up and down as if their legs were on springs, hopping imaginary obtacles?

    I’m glad you survived the latest danger!

  9. Comment by jenni | 09.15.2008 | 12:42 pm

    Jodi, that was hilarious.

  10. Comment by Scoops | 09.15.2008 | 12:51 pm

    Any news of the tribe that washes before it rides? Were they involved, or had they washed, ridden and then run away.

    Your readers demand to know.


  11. Comment by Kathleen | 09.15.2008 | 1:59 pm

    So that’s why I’m not a dirty person…no big forearms! I was wondering what was holding me back. Better hit the gym :-)

    Excellent fable!

  12. Comment by highwaymunky / rob | 09.15.2008 | 2:28 pm

    I have to say the 1st post in the series had me baffled… bit strange for FC i thought.
    The 2nd I thought he’d Cracked up
    By the 3rd I got it… (ok i’m a bit slow)
    Today…. Laugh My Ass off!
    Much Love Rob.
    Win Susan.

  13. Pingback by Journal of Dr. Prescott, Part IV: How Embarrassing | Randomblog blog | 09.15.2008 | 3:32 pm

    [...] Journal of Dr. Prescott, Part IV: How Embarrassing Posted by admin on September 15, 2008 random 6 May, 7114 [...]

  14. Comment by Bike Peddler | 09.15.2008 | 4:02 pm

    Dirty people ride this Wednesday at 5pm meet at the Bike Peddler in American Fork.

    Go to for details on this and upcoming group rides.

  15. Comment by Kt | 09.15.2008 | 4:57 pm

    LOL, nice one, Dr Prescott.

    Apparently, they would hail you their warlord– except that you don’t partake of their mobility culture.

    Susan: is he cracked? :) Win!!!

  16. Comment by Kerbouchaud | 09.15.2008 | 5:07 pm

    It would appear that our good Dr. Prescott has created a fight where none truly existed. Most of the time when these tribes intermingle they exchange challenges to each others way of life. The Dirty people will challenge the thin ones to ride in the dirt, and the thin ones will offer up a contest on the black-top. This invariably ends with a Dirty person whose legs feel as though they are falling off, and a Thin person with a busted bike and a few minor injuries. “All in good fun” they will remark, brfore parting ways and heading off to their respective altitudes. Now that an interloper has seen fit to actually draw blood I fear that there will now be an element of physical confrontation to these cross-cultural gatherings.

  17. Comment by bikemike | 09.15.2008 | 5:58 pm

    i think we’ll find our dear Dr. Prescott is a trouble maker and was BANISHED to this island. heck, he’s just a big ol’ trouble maker. i think the tribe is going to put him in a pot with some big ol’ taters and cook him in a stew.

    yep, that’s what i think and i’m sticking with it…unless, i’m wrong. then i’ll deny it.

  18. Comment by Frank | 09.15.2008 | 6:46 pm

    You’ve really gone above and beyond on this one. Fantastic!!!

  19. Comment by bubbaseadog | 09.15.2008 | 7:22 pm

    hey fatty we just survived a mean dude named ike . i dont like ike i cant bike with ike …..ihate ike he destoyed galveston where i like to bike …lots of fellow bikers have no power and no way to cook. no air cond. no ice .we got plenty of nothin but we got alot ospirit and spunk. tell dr.prescott to take a hike…..i want back on my bike.

  20. Comment by fatty fan | 09.15.2008 | 7:25 pm

    can Dr. Prescott bring back Fatty…I believe he has lost his mind somewhere on a wooded trail following a bonk that is the mother of all bonks. give him a packet of beans and right him on his rig and send him home. there’s no place like home, no place like home!

    and as for the podium places, please stop the madness! Its just lame.

  21. Comment by Triflefat | 09.15.2008 | 8:20 pm

    Paul 12.34pm wrote
    “Were you able to observe the feet of the “dirty people”? were the cleat like protrusions distinctly different from the “thin people”? Double sided?”

    Get a grip man! The cleats that mate with a double sided pedal aren’t double sided.

    I don’t know how we can expect Dr Prescott to take us seriously if we continue to exhibit such ignorance in our communications with the great man.

  22. Comment by Di | 09.15.2008 | 10:14 pm

    Paul said: “Perhaps what you perceived as a fight was actually a strange marriage ritual, used to improve bloodlines and prevent any evolutionary weaknesses.”

    I would think this would create a hybrid people who can magically fly on and off their bikes and hurdle over obstacles like they’re flying. They would have skinny bikes, but they’d be very dirty. ;-)

  23. Comment by Big Boned | 09.16.2008 | 7:56 am

    Ummm….I don’t get it.

  24. Comment by Big Boned | 09.16.2008 | 7:57 am

    Where is fatty, and what have you done with/to him?

  25. Comment by t | 09.16.2008 | 9:28 am

    These are pretty weak. Please come back, Fatty!

  26. Comment by Steph | 09.16.2008 | 1:13 pm

    Weak? I just went back for a re-read. ;) Love Dr. P!

  27. Comment by Bjorn 4Lycra | 09.16.2008 | 4:48 pm

    and they all lived happily ever after. The End?

  28. Comment by Spiff | 09.16.2008 | 5:47 pm

    Posts of a different flavor aside…

    When the posts come inconsistently, I start to worry about Susan. Anybody else get that foreboding feeling when Fatty skips a day? I just keep telling myself that they must be having some fabulous fall weather in Utah and Fatty’s enjoying himself on a long ride.

  29. Comment by Crash | 09.21.2008 | 11:12 am

    Dr. Prescott-

    I like the short tales about the ubiquitous angst between roadies and mtn bikers. Keep up the good work, and keep on rockin’ in the free world.


  30. Pingback by Lost Island of Cyclists « Kati en Bici | 09.27.2008 | 8:39 pm

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