6 May, 7114
I spent all of last night unable to sleep, worried that I would soon meet my maker, worried that I would be forced to defend myself from — or even attack — one of these uncivilized Dirty People.
And sure enough, as dawn broke, there was a disturbance in the forest, and then the Dirty People broke through. They looked much as I described them yesterday. But if it were not for their arms — the Dirty People have muscular forearms, usually completely covered with primal markings — they would be nearly indistinguishable from the natives that I have come to know.
And then the battle began.
I am not a soldier, by any means, but — quite bravely, I thought — I picked up an irretrievably out-of-true aluminum frame (the natives here could not bear to use any serviceable cycling equipment as weapons) and waded into the fray.
And that is when I discovered two remarkable things.
- I am by far and away the mightiest warrior on the island. In a matter of seconds, I had felled three of the Dirty People, as well as one of the road-riding natives (the latter was completely by accident, I assure you). Then primal instincts overtook me and within three minutes, I had a good sized pile of human wreckage surrounding me.
- Nobody on this island can fight at all. Through the thick haze of bloodlust, I heard someone say, “Dude, just chill!” And that’s when I realized that while everyone else was fighting, nobody was getting hurt. The people of both tribes are completely inept at hurting one another.
I apologized and began tending to their wounded. Fortunately, nobody had been seriously hurt, and evidently the Dirty People have developed the ability to heal quickly, as well as a cheerful acceptance of pain as a fact of life.
Then, as a show of brotherhood and no hard feelings, I assisted some of the Dirty People with heavier bikes — evidently the Dirty People have subclasses, much as the Thin Ones (as the Dirty People call the natives I have been staying with call them) — as they slowly pushed their bikes back up to the top of the mountain where they dwell.
I find the tribes and subtribes of this island worthy of study. I believe I shall stay here indefinitely, where I shall endeavor to learn their ways. I will send reports of my success in this regard as events warrant.