Rock Racing Clarifies “Here to Stay” Slogan
A Note from Fatty: The raffle for the Gary Fisher Superfly Singlespeed is still going on. Click here for details on how you can enter.
NEW YORK (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Rock Racing today clarified its “Here to Stay” slogan prominently displayed on the splash screen of its web site.
Said Rock Racing owner Michael Ball, “When we say ‘Here to Stay,’ we mean it quite literally. For example, we had the option of buying a UCI license and going to the Tour de San Luis, or we could stay home.”
“We stayed.”
Continued Ball, “And now we’re applying the same metric to the Tour of California, as well as — frankly — all the other races of the season: should we go and race, or should we stay?”
Concluded Ball: “Quite likely, we won’t go anywhere. In other words, we are here to stay.”
Other Options Considered
According to Rock Racing Press Relations Officer Michael Ball, the team management has considered adopting other slogans in light of the team’s uncertain future. These slogans include:
- Rock Racing: Here for a While.
- Rock Racing: Here Until We’re Not.
- Rock Racing: This Space for Rent.
- Rock Racing: Can You Spare $300 for a Pair of Pants?
Ultimately, however, these options were rejected by the Team Board of Directors (consisting of Michael Ball), which elected instead to release another spate of 15 jersey designs, all of them mostly black with a skull.
Said Rock Racing Accessories and Team Products Officer Michael Ball, “These jerseys are a real steal at only $287.99.”
Alternative Fundraising Method Announced
Faced with uncertain economic times, Rock Racing CFO Michael Ball announced today that it would be adopting a fundraising model similar to Garmin-Chipotle’s very successful Argyle Club promotion.
“The Skull Club is our new exclusive, limited members-only fan club,” said Michael Ball, “and I’m pleased to announce the member benefits, which include:
- Jersey of the Week: Each week you will get a mostly-black jersey with a skull on it. There will be a corresponding competition to determine what the difference is between the current week’s and previous week’s jersey design. The winner will get an actual human skull as a prize.
- A Signed 8 x 10 Glossy Photograph of Michael Ball
- One Pair of Pants: For an extra $300, these pants will even be in the correct size.
- A Set of Five 4 x 5 Glossy Photographs of Michael Ball. To give to your very grateful friends and family. Not signed.
- A Coupon Good for a Ride in One of the Team Escalantes. But you’ve got to fill the tank. Fair’s fair.
- Race Day Tactics, Provided by Directeur Sportif Michael Ball: This feature only available if the team goes to any races.
“Membership in the Skull Club is offered at an introductory price of $49,995.95,” said Ball. “That’s only three times as much as you’d pay retail for the jerseys and pants. And since we always do a 300% markup, we figured that’s about right.”
Comment by bikemike | 01.16.2009 | 11:12 am
fairly certain that mr.ball was reading the dictionary and when he got to the word humility, he skipped over it faster than a cat in room full of rocking chairs.
Comment by GenghisKhan | 01.16.2009 | 11:43 am
I just knew MB at RR would jump at the chance to run a promo like the Argyle Club–good for him!
And, for all you BSNYC readers–PODIUM!!! Meh.
Comment by rich | 01.16.2009 | 12:00 pm
How funny – I got one of the many bike catalogs in the mail yesterday and they had a bunch of RR jerseys on clearance….my first thought is, well I guess these will be collectors items :-)
Comment by MikeonHisBike | 01.16.2009 | 12:21 pm
Here’s a quote from the RR website. “With Michael Ball’s drive, passion, skill and vision Rock Racing is sure to become a household name”
I don’t know about you but we don’t allow that kind of language in our household.
Mike
http://www.mikeonhisbike.blogspot.com
Comment by Don | 01.16.2009 | 12:37 pm
I have apple stuck in my sinuses… I have to learn to stop reading your blog at lunch…
Comment by Juls | 01.16.2009 | 12:52 pm
Hilarious! My favorite part is the “introductory fee of just $49,995.95″! I love it!
Comment by Ant | 01.16.2009 | 1:09 pm
Thank you, thank you, for giving RR and Sir Michael some more of your attention. He certainly went up on the prat-o-meter in my opinion when I read last week of his treatment of Baden Cooke.
Off to Tour Down Under to go and stalk Lance – keep your eyes on the media for the ‘crazed Fat Cyclist-jersey wearing fan’ – should be a hoot!
Comment by joe blow | 01.16.2009 | 1:58 pm
Cold, fatty. Cold.
Love the $49,999.95 is only 3 times the price of jerseys and pants.
Comment by Clydesteve | 01.16.2009 | 2:10 pm
My favorite part is Michael Ball being every corporate officer. You just know a guy like him is forced to wear many hats. And probably all of them are mostly black with a skull.
Don – Just read any Michael Ball interview. That’ll get that apple out of your snoot.
Comment by THE Michael Ball here | 01.16.2009 | 2:16 pm
Please find enclosed a cease and desist letter from my attorney, along with an 8×10 glossy of me.
I will appreciate your not meddling in team communications, as now I have a number of riders and staff asking if I would kindly explain what this whole “we’re staying put” thing means.
Certain of them are asking if that means they must come back to the team now that they’ve already left. I’ve told them I can’t afford to have them come back, actually, but they still owe me for all those jerseys, the rides in the Escalades, lap dances they “borrowed” from my staff for relaxation purposes, and the marketing payments they agreed to pay in conjunction with the use of my name on the jerseys.
Also, since we’re staying put this weekend, rather than going to Australia and all that, we’re inviting the public to one of our team-bonding exercises. It will look a lot like a garage sale to the uninitiated, but a Saks Fifth Avenue one if you check out the prices. Mostly what we’ll be selling are little things, like the team’s assets.
All funds we raise will directly go toward helping the sport of cycling, by paying off a portion of the debts of RR riders for all the equipment they’ve been renting from me, with interest, over the past season.
Again, if you want to mention my name on your blog, please contact my attorneys for a pricing sheet and wire transfer instructions. Also, you owe me $29.95 for the enclosed 8×10 glossy.
Regards, your friend forever,
Michael
Comment by Lins - Aust | 01.16.2009 | 2:38 pm
Rock Racing slogan should be
Here today
Gone tomorrow
Comment by FliesOnly | 01.16.2009 | 2:52 pm
Ummmmm…exactly which part of the story constituted the “Fake News Service”? I’ve read it three times now, I cannot locate anything remotely “fake”.
Comment by Teebone | 01.16.2009 | 3:19 pm
“A Coupon Good for a Ride in One of the Team Escalantes. But you’ve got to fill the tank. Fair’s fair.”
I can’t wait to go for a ride in one of their fabulous new Escalantes. Many may not be familiar with Cadillac’s latest mega SUV. The Escalante is similar to the Escalade except it is only capable of operating on scenic HWY 12 between Boulder and Cannonville.
Comment by SqueezeMe | 01.16.2009 | 3:22 pm
Haters?! I love my $300 pair of jeans. Makes my “arse” look good.
Comment by bikemike | 01.16.2009 | 3:39 pm
i had an Escalante with beef and cheese at taco bell yesterday.
Comment by Al Maviva | 01.16.2009 | 3:59 pm
I’d laugh at that but it reads more or less like non-fiction.
Comment by The D | 01.16.2009 | 4:12 pm
Rock Racing IS here to stay. Well… their models’ “social” diseases are, which counts for something.
Comment by System6 | 01.16.2009 | 4:18 pm
Just got my Colorado Cyclist and on page 38 there’s the ever-flashy RR winter wardrobe and, lo and behold, PRICES ARE SLASHED HUGELY!
Not that they’re down to inexpensive, mind you, but some of the pieces are now PRICED LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE’S stuff. And by that, I mean everybody else’s top-of-the-line stuff.
Pause a moment here before you rush off to order, because here are some examples of how much you can save to get your hands on yesterday’s fashion skull-wear:
- “Body Armor Jersey” was 210.00, now 129.99
- matching bib shorts were 230.00, now 149.99
- Crucifixion jersey was 225.00, now 149.99
- matching bibs were 225.00 now 149.00
I know, you’re saying “wow, for only $300 I can get a single kit!” Yeah, thought crossed my mind, too. God bless the man for thinking of us poor souls who couldn’t quite put together five-large for it.
Interestingly, the prices went from .00 undiscounted – like the figures you see on the menu at an upscale restaurant, to .99, which smells of desperation and reminds one of a visit to the Dollar Store. [Don't we all wish the DS had a cycling section?]
Curiously, some goods must still be in high demand, because prices are unchanged, including:
- Crusade jersey, still 220.00/bibs 250.00
- Team socks (Black Venom or Road Rash) 14.99
Please don’t crash the servers at Colorado Cyclist, I’m sure there’s enough of these goods to go around. Probably more coming soon, including some lightly worn and still saturated with the dope-tainted sweat of Ball’s Angels.
Pingback by Here to stay. « Christas blogg | 01.16.2009 | 5:14 pm
[...] to stay. I am so going to join this [...]
Comment by The D | 01.16.2009 | 5:22 pm
I just realized the parallel between Michael Ball’s models and Balls Modeling Agency in Zoolander. It works on oh so many levels.
Cue Mssrs. Stiller, Wilson and Ferrel:
Venom, Road Rash, Lizard Juice… they’re all the same Skull! Am I the only one who sees this? Is everyone else taking crazy pills?
Comment by RachelGio | 01.16.2009 | 5:58 pm
and this, my friends, is why I love Fatty! Thank you for the giggles.
Comment by Bjorn 4Lycra | 01.17.2009 | 3:45 am
FC you are getting quite good at this sort of stuff. No seriously you are you should start up a website or something.
Ant see you at the Classic in Adelaide tomorrow then. Expecting a crowd of over 100000 so should spot you easily. I will be in the DTEI Young Rider car in the cavalcade – give us a wave.
P.S. I had my moment with Lance and to my eternal embarassment he offered me a high 5 and I expletive deleted …… missed!
Comment by bob | 01.17.2009 | 9:47 pm
too funny! wish you were kidding. read it with that jon stewart voice in my head, ‘is he kidding?’
Comment by Charisa | 01.18.2009 | 2:58 pm
What’s even better is anytime I’m out riding and see anyone in Rock Racing gear I have to try really hard not to just start laughing :)
Comment by leroy | 01.18.2009 | 4:07 pm
Michael Ball just announced that Rock Racing’s new slogan will be “Mission Accomplished.”
The slogan’s former owner is retiring and won’t be needing it.
Comment by jsv | 01.19.2009 | 9:51 am
Rock racing has style not like the same old same old of the traditional peleton! I hope they survive.I understand they did get their Continental cert. just under the deadline….not sure why all the hostility out there?
Comment by Clydesteve | 01.19.2009 | 12:19 pm
jsv – it is not hostility.
RR style? Sure, taking yourself seriously while you are being over-the-top-and-at-the-same-time-really-dorky is a style. Kind of like if Monty Python took themselves seriously.
They don’t, so we laugh with them. Ball does, so we laugh at him.
Comment by buckythedonkey | 01.19.2009 | 1:14 pm
Fatty, I clicked back to look at the Superfly again and I re-read the letter to and reply from Travis Ott.
I’m intrigued – what happened to all the other conditions of your Faustian sell-out to get a free Superfly? Who is Brent Hulme and did you do his laundry and/or punch him (hard) in the arm? What about the kids day out? Did Travis cough up an interview with Gary F? I think we should be told.
Oh, and Rock wore Harrods colours for the first stage of the 2008 Tour of Britain. Yes it’s true: Harrods is *that* classy.
WIN SUSAN!!
Comment by buckythedonkey | 01.19.2009 | 1:16 pm
Bah!
http://www.tourofbritain.com/_uploaded_images/gallery_images/20080907_ToB_Stage1_album_011.jpg
Comment by CLBlood | 01.19.2009 | 1:40 pm
Those jersey prices remind me of the panhandler who asked passersby for $1,000; he put all his begs in one askit.
Comment by Ron | 01.19.2009 | 2:30 pm
jsv.
Seriously? Michael Ball is a pompous ass… THAT’S why all the hostility.
Comment by bikesgonewild | 01.19.2009 | 7:57 pm
…every guy can us a little “skull”…just sayin’…
…in actuality, i hope the team can bounce back financially & make a go of it…”pompous ass” ???, no doubt…misdirected at times ???, yep…but bad for the sport ???, nope, not as it stands w/ the exception of baden cooke’s bailing but if ball can’t keep it happening, then it is bad for the sport…
…come on, micheal ball…get yer ship together…
Comment by larry | 01.19.2009 | 8:38 pm
Team Escalantes.
A group of cyclists who ride hole in the rock road until their fillings fall out.
…Hole in the rock… it works on so many levels.
Comment by Suvacrew | 02.5.2009 | 1:26 pm
MB may apply for TARP funds if he fails this year, but wouldn’t meet the restrictions on parties, fan-fare and ego-maniacal toys/branding. When does he sign up Floyd and get Barry Bonds on a bike???