Said Rock Racing owner Michael Ball, “When we say ‘Here to Stay,’ we mean it quite literally. For example, we had the option of buying a UCI license and going to the Tour de San Luis, or we could stay home.”
Continued Ball, “And now we’re applying the same metric to the Tour of California, as well as — frankly — all the other races of the season: should we go and race, or should we stay?”
Concluded Ball: “Quite likely, we won’t go anywhere. In other words, we are here to stay.”
Other Options Considered
According to Rock Racing Press Relations Officer Michael Ball, the team management has considered adopting other slogans in light of the team’s uncertain future. These slogans include:
- Rock Racing: Here for a While.
- Rock Racing: Here Until We’re Not.
- Rock Racing: This Space for Rent.
- Rock Racing: Can You Spare $300 for a Pair of Pants?
Ultimately, however, these options were rejected by the Team Board of Directors (consisting of Michael Ball), which elected instead to release another spate of 15 jersey designs, all of them mostly black with a skull.
Said Rock Racing Accessories and Team Products Officer Michael Ball, “These jerseys are a real steal at only $287.99.”
Alternative Fundraising Method Announced
Faced with uncertain economic times, Rock Racing CFO Michael Ball announced today that it would be adopting a fundraising model similar to Garmin-Chipotle’s very successful Argyle Club promotion.
“The Skull Club is our new exclusive, limited members-only fan club,” said Michael Ball, “and I’m pleased to announce the member benefits, which include:
- Jersey of the Week: Each week you will get a mostly-black jersey with a skull on it. There will be a corresponding competition to determine what the difference is between the current week’s and previous week’s jersey design. The winner will get an actual human skull as a prize.
- A Signed 8 x 10 Glossy Photograph of Michael Ball
- One Pair of Pants: For an extra $300, these pants will even be in the correct size.
- A Set of Five 4 x 5 Glossy Photographs of Michael Ball. To give to your very grateful friends and family. Not signed.
- A Coupon Good for a Ride in One of the Team Escalantes. But you’ve got to fill the tank. Fair’s fair.
- Race Day Tactics, Provided by Directeur Sportif Michael Ball: This feature only available if the team goes to any races.
“Membership in the Skull Club is offered at an introductory price of $49,995.95,” said Ball. “That’s only three times as much as you’d pay retail for the jerseys and pants. And since we always do a 300% markup, we figured that’s about right.”