Wilson, NC (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a packed press conference today, Aqu Sports announced details for its much anticipated and talked-about Tour of America.
“It’s been almost exactly a year since we sent out a press release asserting the Tour of America would begin in September of 2009,” said Tour Director Frank Arokiasamy. “We felt it was high time to start filling in the blanks.”
According to Race Director Richard Dunn, “2008 went by really fast, and before we knew it — whoah, there was December and we still hadn’t signed up any cities or sponsors or teams for the 2009 event.”
“We probably should have started making calls before November, but you know, it’s really hot in North Carolina during the summer and the air conditioning in our office kind of sucks, and then when autumn comes it’s so beautiful and the weather’s so nice that you just want to get outside,” continued Dunn.
“Long story short, our plan for 2009 became to focus on writing a really solid plan for 2010 – 2012 and calling 2009 a mulligan. And I feel we did an excellent job of that,” said the Race Director. “I’ll leave the details up to Karen, our Logistics Director, to give you the details of those plans now.”
“For 2010,” said Karen D. O’Neill, logistics director for the Tour of America, “We plan to blame the economy for our not doing the race.”
“Of course,” explained O’Neill, “that’s not the way we’ll start out. A few months from now we’ll announce that we’re going to do this race in 2010. Then we’ll go dark again for a while. It won’t be until sometime in early 2010 that we’ll actually make the announcement that either the economy is still too bad to support a race of this magnitude, or that the economy has recovered too recently for us to meet our financial obligations in a timely manner.”
“Which, of course,” concluded O’Neill, “leads us to 2011.”
“For 2011, we actually do plan to conduct a Tour of America,” said Arokiasamy. “However, it will be in South America. And it will be unsupported. And it will be raced entirely on motorcycles, instead of bicycles. Also we will avoid cities and roads altogether, having the course go up and down the coastline…and under water, when there is no beach…or when the tide is high.”
Interrupted Arokiasamy, “We feel that this will give us precisely the kind of experience we need to come back to North America the following year for the Fifth Annual Tour of America.”
2012 Plans and Beyond
“By 2012,” said Arokiasamy, “we will have established ourselves as the premier stage race in America, having either put on a race or had a very good excuse each of the preceeding four years.”
“And for 2012, we hope to begin planning very exciting plans indeed,” effused the Tour Director. “Namely, we will tell everyone that the race is planned for a certain date in July. Then, when everyone shows up on that date, we will look confused for a minute and then take a quick look at our printed materials and slap our palms to our foreheads and exclaim, ‘Oh my! We actually had the race in June! I can’t believe we said July. Sorry about that!’ And then we’ll all have a good laugh.”
Concluded the owner of the fledgling race promoter. “And then, of course, we’ll get busy working on the 2013 race. We’ve got an absolutely terrific course in mind for that year.”
The news conference did not have a Q&A session, with the race promoter citing “important drawing of colorful lines on maps to do.”