Evidently, Taunting Someone Much Faster Than You Is a Less-Than-Effective Strategy
A Note from Fatty: The “Win any Ibis, Take it Anywhere You Want, And Ride it With Andy Hampsten, Chuck Ibis, and Fatty” contest is in full swing. Details are here, and you can go enter the contest by clicking here.
I’ve asked Scot Nicol — AKA Chuck Ibis — to describe which bikes he’d take to what places. This will take the form of a mini-series, titled….
The Great Bike and Trail Pairing Mini Series
The winner of this fantastic contest will have a legitimate shot at creating one of the great pairings in history. Done right, it could a be more talked about match than John and Yoko and Bacall and Bogey combined.
It could replace all those fond (and to some, kinky) memories of Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima, not to mention Lucy and Ricky.
Could it be a strong enough choice to permanently erase Cheese Whiz and Crackers from one’s cranium?
What we’re talking about of course is which Ibis the winner chooses, and what place the winner decides to go ride said bike.
Today we begin a 4 part dissection of what could be…should our winner be up to the task.
Big Wood and a Tranny
Up in the wilds of Idaho there’s a thing called the Big Wood River. It winds through the town of Ketchum, a place most people generically call “Sun Valley.” I’ve had the great fortune to live in this Wood River Valley, and learned a lot about the trails up there.
An astute winner would seriously consider Sun Valley as the chosen spot for our rendezvous, and a doubly astute reader would take possession of a Tranny, perhaps even of the single speed variety.
They say you can access nearly one thousand miles of singletrack from the greater Sun Valley area. That’s enough for at least two or three days of exploring. On top of that, much of it is smooth like buttah.
Depending on one’s mood or level of fitness, there are rides consisting of easy middle ring climbs, or you could choose high altitude lung-busters.
Consider the White Clouds, up in the Stanley basin above Sun Valley. Our intrepid Tranny Single Speeder Seanny Boy rode his rig up to Castle Peak in the White Clouds recently and filed this photo:
Along with the photo he filed following report: “Chillin’ at 10,000’.”
Brief and too the point, Sean, thank you, we like your style. This same bike is up in Bend Oregon this weekend, doing the Big Fat Tour. You could certainly add Bend to your list, but I don’t think it carries the weight of an Antony and Cleopatra type of pairing.
Here are a few more shots to whet your appetite for some time in the Wood River Valley.
There’s just one problem. You can’t win this bike or go on this ride with Andy Hampsten, Fatty and me unless you enter the contest. Which you should do. Right now. Click here, already.
And now, back to our regularly-scheduled blog post….
Wherein I Try Running Again, In Spite of My Better Judgement
Usually, I don’t write on Fridays, because Friday is the day I dedicate to eating pie, and I don’t like anything else to interfere with that activity.
But I knew that people would be interested in my experience with running. Or at least I like to imagine that you’re interested. In fact, I like to imagine that you’re so interested in my run that to tell the truth you had a rough time thinking about anything else. It made conversation difficult and infiltrated your dreams.
So here’s how it went.
Wherein I Negotiate a Major Concession
My problems with the run started well before the run itself, and manifested themselves in the form of a paucity of correct clothing. This is a weird situation for me, because I can ride every day for three weeks without washing a single item of clothing. Although the neighbors begin to complain when I do this.
Anyway, it turns out that my running shoes are about four years old. It took a while to find them, since I haven’t used them since moving into this house. I found some shorts — you know you’re a cyclist when shorts without a chamois feel wrong — and used a Melanzana Power Dry Shortsleeve as my running shirt. Somehow, wearing something made and purchased in Leadville was comforting.
We’d be running on trail — thank goodness — so I showed up at this runner’s house, expecting we’d drive the mile and a half to the trailhead and begin there.
But she planned to run there.
“You need to understand,” I said, without even a trace of petulance in my voice, “that if we start here and run to the trailhead, I may be finished for the day when we get there.”
I am confident she did not roll her eyes. Though it may have looked that way.
So we drove. I passively-aggressively played Meat Puppets (“Open Wide” and “Another Moon,” both from Forbidden Places, both of which I love and both of which I’m pretty sure nobody else in the world loves) on the stereo, and did not make eye contact.
This Is Not So Bad
I got out of the BikeMobile, which I imagine was feeling very confused to be at a trailhead parking lot without a single bike in the bed.
I expected there would be stretching and warming up, and began to formulate my plan as to how I would pretend like I knew how to stretch and warm up. But then she just started running.
I knew I needed to either feign an injury right then or follow. Panicking, I couldn’t think of a suitable injury, so I ran.
Or, more accurately, I sort of did a fast shuffle-walk, while moving my arms as if I were a speed walker. On me, this looks very athletic and graceful.
The trail was briefly level, during which time I could tell I was in serious trouble as the runner became a speck on the horizon.
But then, something unexpected and good happened: the trail turned up.
And I like climbing.
For whatever reason, running uphill felt like I was using my cycling legs, at least to a degree. Maybe the smaller steps you take when you’re going uphill, combined with the quad-focused effort of moving your body up the hill uses close enough to the same motion as cycling that I was able to get into a reasonable facsimile of a climbing groove.
So within a minute or so, I caught up.
It’s possible this occurred merely because she let me.
Regardless, a weird thing had happened: I had begun to enjoy myself. I’m going to come right out and say it: I like running uphill, on dirt.
Tactical Error
And then, I did a foolish thing: I opened my mouth. “This isn’t so bad,” I said.
“You want to go faster?” she replied.
In my head, I answered, “No, I want to lay down and start planning out what kinds of pie I’ll be eating tomorrow.”
Out loud, I said, “Up to you. I’m maybe at 30% right now.” WHICH WAS A JOKE.
“You’re at 30%?” she replied.
“Maybe 28%, but I figured I’d round up for your benefit,” I (very very stupidly) answered.
And so she turned it on. Which, when I think about it, was the only possible response.
And it left me with a choice. Chase? Or start walking?
I chased.
New Cease Fire Terms
Something that the last season of cycling has taught me is exactly where my breaking point is. I am now very well acquainted with when my body is right at the edge of what it can do, and when it’s going to crack.
So I went up to that edge and did my level best to keep up, and more or less managed to do so.
“Do I need to say ‘uncle’ or something?” I whined.
“You just need to say, ‘Alpha female, please please please slow down,’” she replied, not sounding particularly winded.
Now, I may not have mentioned this before, but I have a certain amount of pride. And just a hint of stubbornness. So I quoted Westley from Princess Bride.
“Death first.”
Which, as the run continued, increasingly seemed like a legitimate possibility.
Capitulation
It will always be a source of pride to me that I managed to keep the runner in sight as we ran this trail. Enough of a source of pride, in fact, that I never ever ever intend to find out if I managed this because I could, or because she let me.
Cuz it would kind of kill the drama of the event to find out that she had simply gone from one level of not trying to another level of not trying, except now perhaps not trying a little bit less.
Anyway, the trail emptied out onto a paved downhill road.
At which point, it took all of ten seconds for me to loudly beg, “Alpha female, please please please slow down.”
On pavement, downhill, I felt incredibly ungainly. There was no rhythm whatsoever to my steps. I felt like I was landing flat on my feet, with the impact going clear up into my skull.
Grace has never been my strong suit. Here, however, I was a thrashing, flailing, bumbling wreck.
“I feel like I’m pedaling squares,” I said.
“You shouldn’t feel like you’re pedaling at all,” she replied, not unreasonably.
Eventually, the pavement turned onto a dirt road that goes along a canal and back toward our starting point.
I must have looked on the pathetic side of pathetic, because several times she said, “If you need to walk, just say.”
“Death first,” I said again, but this time it wasn’t so much a proclamation of defiance as an actual statement of intent.
My “running” wasn’t much faster than walking, anyway. If any.
Eventually, we got close to the start point. She picked up the pace. I responded by failing to pick up the pace. She sprinted. I had no sprint.
She finished strong. I finished, full stop.
Sometimes, that’s enough.
PS: Today, I hurt. Quads and shins, mostly. But not as badly as I expected to. And I do intend to start running a couple times per week. For bone density, and because I simply cannot stand the thought of another winter riding the rollers, Every. Single. Day.
Comment by Kathy McElhaney | 10.16.2009 | 9:28 am
Ah this explains so much. Like why my cyclist husband prefers to race me uphill but can’t keep up running on the flats or downhill. Great report!
Comment by Rick S. | 10.16.2009 | 9:35 am
The part about landing flat on your feet and the impact going to your skull is 100% accurate. It’s the reason I don’t run. I feel like I run very heavy or as you say “pedal squares”.
How are your shins?
Comment by MoCo | 10.16.2009 | 9:47 am
what’s even more fun is running right after you bike.
Comment by Dan O | 10.16.2009 | 9:50 am
My wife runs. I bike.
I keep telling her running is bad for you, NOW I can explain why!
thanks Fatty
Austin here we come
life is good
Comment by Annie | 10.16.2009 | 9:52 am
Hilarious. I ran a marathon this time last year, then promptly got pregnant and stopped running. I have just started up again and am miserably out of shape. I love this account of your first run!
Comment by Zed | 10.16.2009 | 10:00 am
And your calves? C’mon, man, you’re hurting today. You HAVE to be.
Running uphill on dirt is SO much cooler than running pavement anywhere. But running downhill, even on dirt, is a guaranteed injury for me. So, basically, I just need a ski lift at the top of every hill.
Comment by Aaron | 10.16.2009 | 10:11 am
Nice story. You HAVE to be sore today. Yes?
Comment by Clydesteve | 10.16.2009 | 10:22 am
….prepare to die!
Why, Fatty? You said you swore off this stuff. I am losing faith in your fatter judgement.
Comment by MattC | 10.16.2009 | 10:22 am
I would think you would have debilitating shin splints from hell…(sorry for that word…but it most ACCURATLY describes my last attempt at running). Thought I wasn’t going to walk again…ever. Thus, bikes. I can only see running at this point in my life it involves chasing someone trying to ride away on my bike. Or being chased…by a large scary dog maybe. See you in Austin!
Comment by KanyonKris | 10.16.2009 | 10:28 am
Yes, the best way to start any new activity is to go full-out your first time. What’s fun (and less painful) about starting easy and building up?
Comment by vipershark | 10.16.2009 | 10:31 am
“Big Wood and a Tranny”
…sounds like a XXX movie for cross dressers.
Comment by Anonymous | 10.16.2009 | 10:38 am
Those gorgeous pictures of the daffodils on the hillside made me wish I was a cyclist.
Comment by Christopher | 10.16.2009 | 10:40 am
gosh, i hate running. i just ran a 5k here for a charity event a couple weeks ago. started out okay, but then after 2.5 miles or so, i too was “pedaling squares.”
Comment by Cyclin' Missy | 10.16.2009 | 10:44 am
Wow! Maybe that’s why I’m so much stronger running up hills now that I’ve been cycling, too. SWEET! Way to kick that run’s butt, Fatty!
Comment by Miles Archer | 10.16.2009 | 10:54 am
I run and I ride. Riding is fun but running I can get a good workout in 30-40 minutes. So, I run most days and ride on the weekends.
It may take a week or two, but your body will adjust and it won’t hurt so much. But, buy yourself so new shoes before you really do hurt yourself!
Comment by Clydesteve | 10.16.2009 | 10:54 am
I can’t even keep up with my wife walking down hills, much less running.
Comment by JT | 10.16.2009 | 10:54 am
Is the runner hot?
Oh yeah. – FC
Comment by Saso | 10.16.2009 | 10:55 am
I have the same experience with running uphill – much easier for me as a cyclist for some reason.
Comment by BellaCroix | 10.16.2009 | 11:26 am
Vipershark beat me to it…
No offense to anyone but: “Big Wood and a Tranny” does not fill me with a desire to experience that ride no matter how good the Ibis is.
What would that tweet look like?
“Today went riding with Fatty, Big Wood and a Tranny, OMG I’m so sore.”
Comment by AngieG | 10.16.2009 | 11:39 am
BellaCroix, OMG I’m getting a visual and I just fell out of my chair laughing. You and Vipershark are right it does sound X-rated or at least a B list movie starring both Gary Busey and Mickey Rourke.
And Fatty I’m sure the “hotness” quotient of the runner had nothing to do with you picking up the rear. Hmmmmmm?
Comment by db | 10.16.2009 | 11:42 am
Training for the 5k the day before the ride in Austin?
Comment by Rob | 10.16.2009 | 11:49 am
Did you see the Pups when they just came through SLC?
Comment by Ron | 10.16.2009 | 11:50 am
I laughed until I cried. Hope to see you in Austin.
Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 10.16.2009 | 12:08 pm
LOL Hilarious post, Fatty. Love Princess Bride quotes… INCONCEIVABLE! You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Comment by Paul H | 10.16.2009 | 12:18 pm
I for one, am looking forward to more running stories from you, although I would rather stick pins in my eyes than run.
Comment by bikemike | 10.16.2009 | 12:26 pm
Run, only if being chased. Swim, only if thrown overboard.
Comment by Bob | 10.16.2009 | 12:53 pm
Now stop it, I mean it!
Does anyone want a peanut?
Comment by rexinsea | 10.16.2009 | 1:01 pm
Riding in Bend is second only to Wood River Valley (aka the greater Sun Valley area) IMHO. Either location would indeed be awesome on a brand new Ibis.
Fatty – buy some new shoes if you intend to keep running. Really. Go now right after you finish your pie lest you injure yourself on something as silly as old running shoes.
I find running twice/week and riding three times/week or the reverse is a great way to keep all the activities fresh and intresting. Running is also a GREAT way to fit in a quick work out if you only have 30-40 minutes. You can’t do a 30 minute ride and call it much of a workout but you can call a 30 minute run a worthy workout ir you do it right.
Comment by T1mm0 | 10.16.2009 | 1:24 pm
Only run if you’re being chased…
Comment by Spiff | 10.16.2009 | 1:30 pm
Running is for criminals
Comment by FatPedro | 10.16.2009 | 1:36 pm
Mmmm, laying down and eating pie. And for you Meat Puppets fans … http://www.wohlers.org/puppets/
Comment by Teri | 10.16.2009 | 1:39 pm
Balsam root and maybe yellow lupine?
Comment by Jamie | 10.16.2009 | 1:56 pm
As much as I would love to win one of those lovely Ibis bikes, I am to unfit to be worthy to go riding with you lot. Sure, that pic of the person in the blue shirt riding in to (and up!) the valley looks real nice, and i’d probably be able to handle that. But a lot slower than the riding companions that come with the prize.
Is it possible for you guys to, I dunno, ride with only one pedal on the bike? Kinda like a playing tennis with your left hand?
Comment by FNEditor | 10.16.2009 | 2:12 pm
I went running last night too. But just around my neighborhood, and that was enough for me. I sprinted the last twenty feet and I felt like I looked like a chubby 12 year old with a gimp leg plowing into the finish. It was bad.
Comment by MattC | 10.16.2009 | 2:14 pm
Hey Fatty…if I were to win the bike, I PROMISE not to apologize, even once! At least out loud anyway. Great post btw! I need to start planning on WHERE to ride my new bike! Get out the maps….
Comment by justrun | 10.16.2009 | 3:08 pm
This pleases me to no end. Fatty running! Yeehaw!
To balance out the universe, I will spend more time on my bike. I think that’ll help us both.
Comment by Heather | 10.16.2009 | 3:20 pm
Nice story! And hey, you ever want to go running again just let me know. You’re welcome to run with me anytime. I run at the pace of an arthritic snail crawling across salt…so I would be impressed with your strength. And I’ll be the one saying “Death First” (as I often do when I run with others…lol)!! Rest and recover…then run again!
Comment by traildiva | 10.16.2009 | 3:24 pm
I like running on singletrack — it feels kind of like mountain biking and does wonders for bumping up my pain threshold for when I’m on the bike.
Comment by Steve | 10.16.2009 | 3:50 pm
So now that you have crossed over to the Dark Side, does this mean that the former cycling blog will now be a biathlon blog? Bummer!
By the way, only a wuss uses rollers in the winter! Haven’t you ever heard of Snow Cats and Nokians? Get a set (or two) and go out in the snow and play!
Comment by Rob | 10.16.2009 | 3:55 pm
I used to have a big dislike for running and for good reason…….IT REALLY HURTS!!!
However, once you get through the first few months or is that IF!! Mmmmmm
Its really improved my fitness levels and thus I can ride and climb like a pack mule on speed……..
The one thing i’ve always loved about mountain biking, is how it makes you feel when you and your trusty steed get to the top of the hill, that feeling is still to this day awesome!!!
When you run and get to the top of the hill you don’t have to share the glory with your steed, its all yours!!!
However, when you run there’s nowhere to hide………it’s you against the hill, which I guess makes it feel all the better when you kick it’s arse!!
Comment by cece | 10.16.2009 | 3:57 pm
Wait till tomorrow! I am sure you will be aching!
I was at my desk reading this post and LOL so hard I drew attention from the office across the hall. What got me was the “Alpha female please please please slow down.” that must have been a tough pill to swallow! I just about split a gut and texted my friend to hurry up and read your blog…..she could not wait to get home!
Comment by MattC | 10.16.2009 | 3:59 pm
The earth has obviously shifted it’s rotational-axis points causing all kinds of worldwide upheavals, mayhem and such. That is the only explanation I can think of as to WHY Fatty is now running AND liking it. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it(running). I’ll go home tonight and put some more stuff in my ‘disaster’ kit…just in case. This is surely one of the sings of the coming apocolypse.
Comment by MattC | 10.16.2009 | 4:02 pm
uhh..that was ’signs’ of the apocolypse. Thou I’ve always suspected that kareoke is also one of the signs…therefore my mistyped ’sings of the apocolypse’ actually works. ooh…that is another sign.
Comment by Sonja O'Brien | 10.16.2009 | 4:54 pm
Thanks for giving me a good laugh on a rainy day! I willbe going out to run in the rain after work…..can we say alpha female :)
Comment by Scott in CO | 10.16.2009 | 5:00 pm
As a self-identifying cyclist who tends to run WAY more than I ride (as the Leadville 100 belt buckle I am wearing would tend to prove) I am glad to see it is becoming accepteble to be both a runner and a cyclist. Now off to ride my Single Speed home from work to go out for a run…
Comment by kellene | 10.16.2009 | 7:01 pm
And her response to you should have been, if she knows anything about The Princess Bride is, “I do not suppose you can speed things up?”
Good job! You are my brother with so many talents!
Comment by Dan O | 10.16.2009 | 7:04 pm
Running – just say no.
When I win this contest (please…please), was going for the Mojo. Now the Tranny is in the running….
Comment by rokrider | 10.16.2009 | 7:52 pm
Sorry FC, it looks like fatrunner.com is already taken.
Comment by Chris | 10.16.2009 | 10:08 pm
Gee — add swimming and you could be a …. TRIATHLETE! It’s a slippery slope — but think of the fun you could have with a Tri/TT bike! :)
Pingback by Evidently, Taunting Someone Much Faster Than You Is a Less-Than-Effective Strategy [ Fat Cyclist ] | 10.16.2009 | 11:28 pm
[...] Evidently, Taunting Someone Much Faster Than You Is a Less-Than-Effective Strategy Found 12 hours, 22 minutes ago pYou need to understand I said without even a trace of petulance in my voice that if we start here and run to the trailhead I may be finished for the day when we get there Maybe the smaller steps you take when youre going uphill combined with the quadfocused effort of moving your body up the hill uses close enough to the same motion as cycling that I was able to get into a reasonable facsimile of a climbing groovep From: http://www.fatcyclist.com [...]
Comment by Mike Roadie | 10.17.2009 | 4:53 am
No! Running??? Stop it!
FLS
Comment by BamaJim | 10.17.2009 | 7:23 am
Funny, I was quoting the Princess Bride to my daughter earlier. As far as the running goes:
“To the pain”
Comment by michwea | 10.17.2009 | 9:08 am
“Pedaling squares.” That’s a classic. I’ll have to remember that :)
Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » How About Riding a Hakkalügi in Sonoma County? | 10.17.2009 | 9:09 am
[...] « Evidently, Taunting Someone Much Faster Than You Is a Less-Than-Effective Strategy [...]
Comment by Jill2 | 10.17.2009 | 1:30 pm
“Is the runner hot?
Oh yeah. – FC”
This is the only reasonable explanation for taking up running.
Comment by HannahSusan | 10.17.2009 | 2:55 pm
Please get proper running trainers – fitted by a store that put you on a running machine and film your feet…Reduces the risk of injury AND made me run about 10 times faster (although I may have just felt faster as I was quite a bit poorer)
Pingback by How About Riding a Hakkalügi in Sonoma County? | Dyna Fat Loss | 10.17.2009 | 7:02 pm
[...] country in California, I am constantly hearing about parings. Furthering our pairing discussion of yesterday, here’s a wine country pairing suggestion for our future contest winner: Get a [...]
Comment by skippy | 10.17.2009 | 10:38 pm
I ran once…to my bike at the start of the 24 hours of Moab (and it was a disgusting experience).
Fatty, as an ex(ceptionally) untalented runner and now devoted/seen the light cyclist I have some suggestions to make running more natural for you as a cyclist:
1. Dress for comfort (go ahead and wear bike shorts with a chamois, the padded butt really helps soften the a** kickin’ your takin’).
2. As a cyclist your feet no longer flex or bend so go ahead and wear your carbon soled road Sidis. The added stiffness translates to sheer power transferred to the trail or blacktop. Remember cyclists are all about being stiff and rigid, not fluid and flexy.
3. You are called the “FAT Cyclist” for supposedly being fat. How can you possibly stay fat when the shirts you wear as a runner don’t have pockets the size of a 3 car garage on the back of them. Those pockets were meant to hold pie and lots of it. Just think, if you wear a bike jersey you can have easy access to a 3 pie sampler within easy reach. No more waitin’ till the running is done. You could even pretend to “choke” on part of the pie crust and be able to have a legitimate excuse to stop running for the day.
4. Cherry pie works best as a choking tool. Just make sure to drool and dribble “bloody” lung ooze out of your mouth as you eat it. Runners will think you are stroking out and might even carry you down to your car. You can even offer them pie for their efforts.
5. Remember to pedal circles as you run as this will result in oohing and awing from impressed bystanders. The correct technique for a running cyclist is to always remember to scrape the bottom of your shoes as they hit the ground as if you are scraping off mud or dog crap off your shoes. This makes for an awesome peeling out effect especially on gravel in your carbon soled Sidis.
6. At the start of a run always break out some mary jane laced pie for your hyper running buddies. They will suddenly get all laid back and mellow and maybe would rather have a “grassy” siesta/fiesta at the trailhead instead of having a competitive run.
7. Plan your run to be like a decisive Tour “Day” France mountain stage. The run should go uphill in both directions and finish on top of a mountain. NO DESCENDING when you run = good for biker.
8. Get your friggin’ head examined….what kind of self respecting cyclist are you anyway? No one in their right mind really likes to run anywhere but to the bathroom or to the store.
Comment by Jonnie J | 10.18.2009 | 10:10 am
Ummm if you are writing multiple paragraphs, using bullets or numbers to organize your comment….then you may consider starting a blog of your own. Just saying.
Comment by eandjmum | 10.19.2009 | 2:53 am
Thanks for the best laugh in a bad week (and it’s only Monday night in New Zealand)
Go run again!
Comment by kRIS | 10.19.2009 | 8:55 am
Good…the addiction has begun…now find your LRS (Local running store) and get a proper set of shoes. Failure to do so will result in hip, shin, back, and foot pain. While your at it, get some good socks, running socks, or you will have blisters on your feet that will make road rash a fond memory. LOL So you ran on Friday, so we need to do this again by Monday, this will help with the muscle soreness. Oh yeah stay on the dirt as it is better for the larger boned, new runner. Sounds like your Alpha Female knows a few things.
Keep us posted…
Kris
Comment by JB | 10.19.2009 | 10:37 am
eandjmum….does this mean that monday night football is already on at your house??
Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 10.19.2009 | 12:16 pm
Alpha female, please please please slow down.”
I LOVE this line!
Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Riding With The Shack, Part I - The Night The Before the Ride | 12.15.2009 | 8:37 am
[...] famous and important cycling blog megastar, I deemed it necessary to bring along an assistant. The Runner would be acting in that capacity, though she was quite clear that her real reason for coming along [...]
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