Three Axioms

11.23.2009 | 11:27 am

200911230714.jpgA Note About Ordering Fat Cyclist Gear: Twin Six has been working their butts off to get all the 2010 Fat Cyclist pre-orders out the door. If you haven’t gotten your pre-order yet, you will sometime this week.

So if you didn’t pre-order, your chance to order is coming this Friday, 8:00am CST. The remaining stock of 2010 jerseys and shorts will all be for sale, along with the newly-designed 2010 Fat Cyclist T-Shirts, which will feature the cool design you see to the right.

You should know that there are not a lot of extra jerseys; if you delay, you’ll likely miss out.

You’ll find all the Fat Cyclist Gear over at Twin Six starting this Friday, at 8:00am CST.

200911230732.jpgBuy A Garmin-Slipstream Bottle, Fight Cancer

Early this year, I poked fun at Team Slipstream-Garmin here. They responded by…becoming an incredibly generous partner with Team Fatty in our fight against cancer, sponsoring the 100 Miles of Nowhere race.

And now they want to do more in that fight.

From now until December 15 — plenty of time for Christmas delivery, in other words — Garmin-Slipstream is going to donate 50% of the gross of their sales from their Podium Bottles to the Huntsman Cancer Institute.

Yes, that’s right. 50%. Basically, all the profit.

Why the Huntsman Cancer Institute? Because I asked them too, for one reason. And why did I choose the Huntsman Cancer Institute? Well, those of you who have been with my blog for a while know that they took incredible care of Susan when she needed to have her hip replaced.

And they don’t just take care of people with cancer. The Huntsman Cancer Institute does a lot of vital research for cancer treatment.

So, here’s the deal: Click here to go buy Garmin-Slipstream bottles — they’re the Camelbak Podium bottles I prefer over any other kind of bottle. Buy some for yourself, and maybe buy some for your riding friends — a fourpack of bottles makes a really great gift for a cyclist. Plus, when you buy four or more, they’re $8.00 each instead of $11.00 each.

Regardless of how many you buy, Garmin-Slipstream will donate half your purchase to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. That kicks butt.

And while you’re at it, check out the other Garmin-Slipstream holiday special offers. There’s some good stuff there.

Three Axioms

There are surprisingly few absolute truths in the universe, and fewer still absolute truths in the world of cycling. This fact, which I just discovered upon making it up, startled me because it implies that cycling is a subset of the universe, as opposed to the entirety of said universe. Which I find disconcerting and unpleasant.

I’m rambling. It happens.

The point to which I am leading is that with the paucity of touchstone truths in the universe, one should make a note of whatever important truths one discovers.

And, to my delight, I have discovered three such truths in recent days.

I will now educate you.

1. If You Don’t Use It, You Will In Fact Lose It. I feel a little bit bad about leading off with this truth, because it’s something you may have heard before, except for the “You Will In Fact” part, which makes it original and copyrightable.

I’m pretty sure that this cliche (because until I added the “You Will In Fact” part, it was nothing but a cliche) originally meant that if you don’t use an acquired skill or capability, your proficiency at said skill will degrade over time, until you reach a threshold of no longer having that capability at all.

Which is probably true, but not very interesting.

I now assert, however, that this axiom (yes, I’ve promoted it from cliche to axiom, concurrent with my copyrighting aforementioned axiom) applies to stuff. Specifically, if you don’t use something, you’ll forget where it is.

This happens to me twice each year, as I go from wearing summer cycling clothes to winter cycling clothes. I simply cannot find the winter gloves I bought for riding last year. Nor the insulated tights. Nor the high-tech beanie that fits snugly between my helmet and head.

I haven’t used it. Ergo, I’ve lost it.

As I get older (which seems to be happening more or less all the time), I’ve noticed an acceleration of this axiom, which makes me think there’s a corollary in order:

Corollary: as time passes, you will lose more stuff more quickly.

To illustrate, I have two pair of Oakley biking glasses I really love: My Flak Jackets, and my Jawbones. The Flak Jackets are terrific, but I prefer the Jawbones. So I use the Jawbones more often.

After using the Jawbones exclusively for about a week, I wanted to use the Flak Jackets, just to mix things up a bit.

But I cannot find them anywhere. (I’m not dead certain why I typed “anywhere in that last sentence.” It seems that if I can’t find them, the “anywhere” part is unnecessary. I.e., if I can’t find them in most places but can find them in one or more other place(s), then the whole “I can’t find them” statement falls more or less apart. I need to be more careful with my language, I think.)

And in short, I have not used them, and therefore have in fact lost them. QED.

2. If You Can’t Talk, You’d Better Be Racing, Cuz You’re Not Having Fun. Brad and I were riding a couple weeks ago, going up Clark’s, in Corner Canyon. The whole way up, we were riding a good, hard pace — but we were talking, too. At one point, Brad asked how I was doing. “I’m having fun,” I replied. “I can still talk, but just barely.”

At which point, Brad uttered this axiom: “If you can’t talk, you’d better be racing, cuz you’re not having fun.”

The enormity of this truth stunned both of us. Seriously, the ability to converse on the bike seems to be the dividing line between riding for fun and riding to prove something.

Try it for yourself: Go on a ride with someone. At first, ride at such a pace that you can talk. Consider whether you are having fun.

Then, ride hard enough that you can no longer talk.

After a couple minutes of this, ask yourself the following question: “Am I having fun?” Compare the amount of fun you are (not) having with the fun you were almost certainly having when you could talk.

I submit it will be less.

3. If Your Recipe Contains Eggs, Cheese, and Bacon, It Cannot Fail. Yesterday, I made quiche. Now, people over 35 always make a crack about “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche,” but those people are usually dumb, and also have not tried my quiche.

Here’s how my quiche is made: get a pie crust, add a lot of cheese, a lot of bacon, and a lot of tomato, avocado, onion, peppers, and mushrooms. Push it all down to make it fit in the crust. Make an egg concoction out of eggs and half-and-half. Pour over the cheese / bacon / vegetable pile.



As I enjoyed this quiche, it occurred to me that I could have made an equally delicious batch of scrambled eggs with the same ingredients. Or an exquisite omelette. Or a casserole.

The fact is, the only difference between all these things is what shape they take as they’re cooked. The truly important thing is that they all have eggs, cheese, and bacon, the perfect triumvirate of comfort food. As long as you use a lot of all three, it’s going to come out delicious.

Corollary: sour cream should go on top.

PS: If, when making quiche, you let some of the egg goop bubble up and over the pan onto the bottom of the oven, for the love of all that’s good in the world, please remember to scrape that stuff off the bottom of the oven before using again, or you will find out whether your smoke alarm works. If you don’t die of asphyxiation, I mean.

PPS: Anyone have a good idea for how to make everything I own stop smelling like smoke?


  1. Comment by dug | 11.23.2009 | 11:33 am

    i can almost always talk when i ride, but i usually find that i am talking to myself. you know. since by then i’m alone.

  2. Comment by Anonymous | 11.23.2009 | 12:11 pm

    Sailing is like cycling because you get to spend hours with your mates in conversation about very little at all (Brits call this exchange of manly banter “talking bollocks”).

    Sailing is unlike cycling because you can race and talk bollocks at the same time, sometimes for days at a time.

    Oh, and quiche has that other holy ingredient: pastry.

  3. Comment by The Incredible Woody | 11.23.2009 | 12:12 pm

    I have an extra roll of fat around my middle. I haven’t used it in a very long time and I’ve yet to lose it. Just sayin’.

  4. Comment by Paul | 11.23.2009 | 12:13 pm

    Because “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche,” I always call it “Flan” same thing different name.

  5. Comment by rich | 11.23.2009 | 12:34 pm

    Quiche ROCKS! Although, I would offer up an alternative to sour cream on top….I prefer mine with salsa!

    You say that like you can’t have both. Which I always do. – FC

  6. Comment by Anonymous | 11.23.2009 | 12:38 pm

    If you put the quiche pan on a cookie tray, you won’t have to scrape the oven (which is nice).

  7. Comment by Heather | 11.23.2009 | 12:41 pm

    Not sure about removing the smell of smoke unless you just Frebreze everything within an inch of your life but better wear a mask or you could suffocate from the spray that kind of lingers in the air for 5-10 minutes. However, if you put the quiche (casserole, pie, etc.) on a cookie sheet before putting it in the oven…anything that bubbles over will land on said cookie sheet and not catch fire…I mean burn in the oven the next time you use it. This works. We will not go into details or discuss how I learned this little trick. But trust me…it works.

  8. Comment by bikemike | 11.23.2009 | 12:42 pm

    at $220.00 retail, the Jawbones are a huge deal for what they do and how they feel.

    I do not work for Oakley and i’ve never stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. I will, however, eat a ton of food on Thanksgiving Day…that would be another axiom.

  9. Comment by SurlyCommuter | 11.23.2009 | 12:44 pm

    mmmmmmm egg’s, cheese and bacon. You could make a birthday cake out of those things!

  10. Comment by thom p. | 11.23.2009 | 12:46 pm

    On the axioms…

    1. I have the opposite problem. When I use it, I will in fact, lose it. Especially glasses. Whether it’s throwing them on the sidelines of a race course and forgetting them, losing them out of my helmet vents during a ride, or turning my head so rapidly that I lose them out the car window and must watch as they are run down by a passing car (true story that one).

    2. Depends on the company. Sometimes you have to go hard enough so that the guy riding with you goes into oxygen debt and can’t yammer away. For instance: I ride with Glenn Beck a lot — I always keep the hammer don’t so he keeps his trap shut. This doesn’t stop him from crying though.

    3. If you add a Boston Cream Donut (shut up spellcheck, that’s how “doughnut” is spelled in New England) to the equation, as in bacon egg & cheese on a Boston Cream…then you’ve got a real winning combination.

  11. Comment by Lowrydr | 11.23.2009 | 12:46 pm

    A quick and easy way to get rid of smokey smelling clothes, just stop burning things in the oven.

    And you never really lose things at home, they’re always in the last place you look. But I’m still looking for a pair of riding tights I misplaced 4 years ago. But I’m persistant and won’t give up.

  12. Comment by DC | 11.23.2009 | 12:47 pm

    Re: Axiom #2
    Tourture= Take a very pleasant bicycle ride
    and add 4 mph.

  13. Comment by Lowrydr | 11.23.2009 | 12:49 pm

    Oh, and I’m sure the tights won’t fit anymore if I do find them.

  14. Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 11.23.2009 | 1:02 pm

    I am a huge (no pun intended) fan of bacon, egg and cheese!

  15. Comment by Philly Jen | 11.23.2009 | 1:17 pm

    Re: P.P.S.
    Febreeze — now available in Bacon scent!

  16. Comment by run-girl-run | 11.23.2009 | 1:18 pm

    No more Movember pics??

  17. Comment by ~tb | 11.23.2009 | 1:36 pm

    I had the unfortunate circumstance of having everything I own smelling of smoke. Someone I live with decided to hardboil eggs for about 3-4 hours. It works, but not in the way you expect. Anyway, try Fresh Wave products. They are sold at the Ace Hardware. They work, trust me!

  18. Comment by Tommy F | 11.23.2009 | 1:38 pm

    I wore my new Fat Cyclist jersey to a group ride last Saturday. I was glad to answer the multiple questions about the jersey and even more proud to tell the story of Fatty and Susan.

  19. Comment by Jared | 11.23.2009 | 1:41 pm

    Eggs, cheese and bacon…is that like the breakfast version of mirepoix? The breakfast holy trinity?

  20. Comment by Frank | 11.23.2009 | 1:45 pm

    The Jersey version would be eggs, cheese and porkroll…mmmmh.

  21. Comment by Jenny-Jenny | 11.23.2009 | 2:23 pm

    Yes! Fresh Wave Odor Neutralizing Crystals.
    Find a place in your area that sells them and open up a jar. It’s amazing!

  22. Comment by Mike Roadie | 11.23.2009 | 2:56 pm

    Best thing about quiche (beisdes the eggs, bacon and cheese) making it different from an omelet or casserole–the CRUST!!! Hello!

    Always bake goopy stuff with foil on the floor of the oven directly below. Draw a bulls-eye target on it for fun!


    Happy Turkey!

  23. Comment by Jeff Schmidt | 11.23.2009 | 3:25 pm

    If you don’t have any Febreeze handy you can mix water and vodka in a spray bottle. At first it smells like vodka (and wet smoke) but after it drys it doesn’t retain any odor of smoke or vodka.

  24. Comment by Boz | 11.23.2009 | 3:45 pm

    1- You don’t loose what you don’t care about. The more you care, the easier it is to loose it.

    2- The ability to talk is in direct correlation to your heart rate at that time. I found this out when I started riding with a HR monitor. I think I’ll shut it off so I can talk more.

    3- Absolute truth.

  25. Comment by Chris B | 11.23.2009 | 3:49 pm

    I agree, but sour cream goes in the quiche.

  26. Comment by AngieG | 11.23.2009 | 3:53 pm

    Having spent several years in the fire service, I ask, why would you want get rid of such a great smell.:-) Sick I know.

    For washables, add some Borax in with your laundry soap. Old laundry staple, but works very well.
    For the non washables, Febreeze, Ozone, or a day outside usually works well.

    Quiche- don’t forget the hollandaise. YUMMY!!!!

    As for axiom #1, start looking for something else and you will find what you were looking for before. Never fails. Once you find it you will put it somewhere where you won’t forget where it is, and then…You will forget where that was and have to start looking for it all over again.

    Have a great Turkey Day FC and Family!!!


  27. Comment by Triflefat | 11.23.2009 | 3:55 pm


    What time is 8.00am CST on Friday on the east coast of Australia? (Don’t forget to allow for daylight saving, since it’s Springtime here.)

  28. Comment by Triflefat | 11.23.2009 | 4:01 pm

    Given that I posted that previous comment at 8.55 am on the 24th and it shows that I posted at 3.55 pm on the 23rd that probably means I will have to order from Twin Six at something o’clock on Saturday. Help please.

  29. Comment by Mountain Goat | 11.23.2009 | 4:19 pm

    Axiom #3 can be further reduced to the simpler
    “If Your Recipe Contains Bacon, It Cannot Fail”.
    Or even – Bacon makes everything taste better.

  30. Comment by Powerful Pete | 11.23.2009 | 4:24 pm

    Hhhhmmm. Comfort food does involve eggs. But necessarily involves pasta (I am Italian, trust me on this one).

    Google ’spaghetti alla gricia’. 10 years off your life (you can feel your arteries harden as you polish off your plate). But heck, it’s worth it.

  31. Comment by Joel P. | 11.23.2009 | 4:54 pm

    I’m thinking a paste made out of Oreo’s and peanut butter will remove the smell of smoke on most anything. Just put a dab under your nose like Vick’s Vaporub.

  32. Comment by bikecopVT | 11.23.2009 | 5:38 pm

    AHHHHHHH! Im going away on Thursday for the weekend and won’t have internet access. There better be T6 Team Fatty shirts still available when I get home. Oh maybe my wife will read this and get one for me for Christmas. That wold be supercool.

    Fight Like Susan!

  33. Comment by Bob | 11.23.2009 | 6:28 pm

    There’s so much truth in #2!
    If you can’t have fun on your bike, and by fun I mean like a little kid jumping curbs kind of fun. Then either you should be pro and paying your mortgage through winning (and that’s known as a job), or you need to keep it in the gym on a stationary bike (and that’s called a work out).

    Sub rule of 3. If you add ENOUGH cheese,
    a. It WILL be good
    b. They WILL eat it
    cheese is like the duct tape of foods.

  34. Comment by justrun | 11.23.2009 | 7:39 pm

    I got my pre-order just the other day! Woohoo!

    Also, yes, yes, and yes to 1, 2, and 3. Except in 2 everywhere it says ride I just say run instead.

    And I have no idea how to air out a smoke-scented house during winter in the Rockies. Fabreeze?

  35. Comment by SteveH | 11.23.2009 | 9:12 pm

    Re: Fat Cyclist Gear

    So here’s the rub. I ordered my Fat Cyclist jersey on 24 August, patiently waited until last Friday (19 November!)to get it, tried it on and “Oh no, this is too small!”. Frantically checking to make sure I ordered the right size I see that, yes, a 41 inch chest should order XL. Well, I know we normally use metric measures in Canada, but I still know how to measure in inches and there’s no way my 41 inch chest fits into an XL jersey(well, it does, but I’m not partial to losing the circulation in my chest). Twin Six were quick to respond with a return authorization and it’s on its way back. But there’s no way it’ll get there by Friday! Am I SOL? Seems so, if the remaining stock goes on sale this Friday. Too bad, it’s a really nice jersey.

    Just sayin’.

    Oh, and 1 – yes. 2 – yes. 3 – not so sure.

  36. Comment by Dobovedo | 11.23.2009 | 9:36 pm

    A variation on Axiom #2, used in my group: “If you can talk, you can pull.” It occasionally gets stated more emphatically: “SHUT THE #*$% UP AND PULL!”

  37. Comment by Erik | 11.23.2009 | 9:39 pm

    Dug – are you sure the reason you’re riding alone isn’t because you’re talking to yourself, rather than from dropping your pals?

    Fatty – on everything in the house smelling like smoke. First things first, get the kids in the shower, ’cause ewww. After that, make lemonade! Or more exactly, prosciutto. What you need is pretty much any part of our hero, the pig.

    Wow, guess I got up on the snarky side of the bed today. I’ve had the swine flu for a week and haven’t even had the energy to wrench on a bike let alone ride one. Ugh. But quiche sure sounds good!

  38. Comment by Steve | 11.23.2009 | 11:24 pm

    Your cooking prowess and your “If you don’t use it, you will in fact lose it” axiom calls to mind the universal riddle of observation and knowledge of reality: “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

    With that in mind, it is clear that you have inadvertently engendered another such universal riddle of observation and knowledge of reality–one that is surely to take its rightful place in 21st century philosophy and become known as the Universal Riddle of Fatty:

    “If you use an oven rife with quiche overflow and it makes everything you own smell like smoke, do your Oakley Flak Jackets that are ‘not anywhere’ also smell like smoke?”

    MM – modus morons

  39. Comment by Sasha | 11.23.2009 | 11:45 pm

    The guys (and gals?) at Twin Six are AWESOME. I already have my gear. I know they are a small shop so didn’t want to bug them and so had to be patient (not one of my better qualities because I’m not patient. Not even a little bit). I did inquire on Twitter if the new shipment they had received might have some Fatty gear and they said maybe.*Grin* So I waited and was nicely rewarded with the coolest jersey and arm warmers ever made. :)

    No advice for getting rid of that stinky smokey egg smell…sorry…

  40. Comment by Jacqui | 11.24.2009 | 3:36 am

    Got my gear! I have already worn the Win T-Shirt! Love it!

    As for the quiche….I am using that recipe!

  41. Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 11.24.2009 | 4:08 am

    I find axiom 2 in conflict with track riding at the higher levels. I must say that as an anaerobic specialist I am having the most fun on my bike when I can’t talk. Or see straight. And the fun goes up to 11 on the dial when the lactic acid accumulation reaches a point where I can’t talk because I’m about to puke.

  42. Comment by Imp Ayshent | 11.24.2009 | 12:44 pm

    I feel like I’m the only one still waiting on their Fatty gear. *le sigh*

  43. Comment by Sarah | 11.24.2009 | 2:14 pm

    To add to your important cooking axiom, our universal rule of cooking is: if it doesn’t need garlic, it needs chocolate. Every food in the world can be improved by the addition of one or the other of these ingredients.

    RE: Axiom #2–I’ve noticed that the ability to speak disappears during racing for men, but not for women. Even if it’s just a brief monosyllable on the exhale, women still will try to talk to one another even in heavy competition. Have you ever watched a triathlon? The women talk to each other even when we’re in the water (bob head up to sight, make comment to nearby woman). It’s very strange.

  44. Comment by Tonya | 11.24.2009 | 5:15 pm

    Just got my gear order and had to go for a ride with my new jersey and Podium bottle. I am now a convert. I must replace all of my bottles with Podiums. They are that cool. And now I can do it while supporting the fight against cancer. Awesome! Thanks Fatty and Garmin-Slipstream!

  45. Comment by Swami Wheelo | 11.27.2009 | 1:28 pm

    I love my new orange jersey so much, I hadda go back this morning and order the pink one and a T-shirt.

    I love quiche too! For a mind blowing quiche change, try Julia Child’s Fresh Tomato Quiche with Anchovies and Olives. It’s a real 180 from Quiche Lorraine.

    ahhhh Garmin…I really want to go back to loving them, but I’m still steamed about Stage 14 and their lousy attack on George Hincapie’s yellow jersey opportunity. I hope it fades as time passes because I like Farrar and Wiggo.

    thanks for the heads up on getting even more Fatty Gear.

  46. Comment by Jeff | 11.29.2009 | 8:52 am

    Fatty, another spin on your quiche…
    My wife lines the pan with hashbrowns, drizzles on a little melted butter to help them brown, then fills is with all the good stuff, eggs, etc. fantastic hashbrown quiche!

  47. Comment by Jeff | 11.29.2009 | 7:26 pm

    Correction – you brown the hashbrowns first…here’s the link if you are interested, great recipe…


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