My Life Has Officially Become Surreal

05.13.2010 | 10:38 am

A Final 100-Miles-of-Nowhere Note from Fatty: Thank you again to everyone who sent in your 100 Miles of Nowhere Race Reports. I posted several of them, and read all of them. And I have a few observations to make now:

  1. My readers are more interesting than I am. You all took a silly idea — ride 100 miles on my rollers, by myself, in the dead of night, to show that I am bullheaded — and have turned it into an awesome event in interesting places, raising money for an important cause, and having fun in the process. I love the way you have taken this incredibly dull thing and made it rock.
  2. My readers have great support. I noticed that many, many of the stories had two important components: a person who did the actual riding, and family members who supported, awarded, promoted, and rode with the rider. I found it incredibly touching to see that so many of you have families who are willing to get behind your endeavors — no matter how twisted they might seem.
  3. This is definitely going to be an annual Spring tradition. Until I read your writeups, I was thinking that I ought to move this event to the dead of winter, when going nowhere for 100 miles on rollers wouldn’t seem so criminal. Now, however, I see that the 100 Miles of Nowhere is becoming a primarily outdoors event, and I like it. So we’re going to keep it in May.
  4. You people inspire me. My own 100 Miles of Nowhere was a bland affair compared to most of the reports I got — me, The Runner, and The IT Guy spinning in the basement, watching Season 2 of Dexter. Staring at the screen and watching the miles tick over. Next year, I’m going to step up my game.
  5. You people motivate me. Reading your reports and feeding on your enthusiasm has made me want to work harder in the fight against cancer. Watch for more on this very very soon.

I’m (Not) Too Sexy for My Shirt

From time to time, I talk about being a beloved, award winning, hall-of-fame superstar blogging celebrity. But we all know that I’m being ironic, right? Because after all, Internet fame is not like real fame.

And cycling blog fame is not even like Internet fame.

So I’m maybe step-famous, twice removed.

But some strange stuff is going to be happening to me in the next couple of weeks. First off, tomorrow night I am going to be in a fashion show. As a model.

For crying out loud.

Specifically, I will be one of the models at the Cycle and Style Show at the Gallivan Center in SLC, tomorrow night. I will model a couple of different bike outfits, and apparently a couple of different bikes.

I’ll be photographed and everything.

I’m trying to generate some enthusiasm for my catwalk debut, but the reality is I’m mostly experiencing pure dread. My dread stems from the following:

  • I am middle-aged.
  • I am paunchy.
  • I have no modeling experience at all.
  • I am not what you would call “good looking” by model standards. Or by any other standards. I am short, my face works asymmetrically, and my eyes are droopy. In short, I am not good looking.

So this should be a lot of fun for me. I’ll report on my experience Monday. Probably with photos.

Unless, of course, my humiliation is severe enough that I choose to instead change my name and move to Australia.

I Am Going to California

Thanks to readers, Team RadioShack, and Johan Bruyneel, I’ll be flying to California next weekend to ride with Johan during the Tour of California TT on Saturday.

It’s been five months, and I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around that fact.

What’s really cool, though, is that Amgen’s Breakaway from Cancer initiative is so closely tied to the Tour of California. They’re doing some great things in supporting those who are affected by cancer, and I’m looking forward to learning more and helping them in their quest.

And you may want to check back here next week to see a kinda cool (cough cough) way you might want to join me. (Hint: “Kinda cool” is a little bit of a severe understatement.)


  1. Comment by hillarie | 05.13.2010 | 10:58 am

    Many kudos to the 100 milers. I participated but only got 37.3 miles in. That’s the furthest I’ve ever ridden, though, so I am happy about that.

  2. Comment by Kovas Palubinskas | 05.13.2010 | 11:03 am

    Middle-aged, paunchy, not good looking? Heck, I’ll bet that describes half your readers, me included. Thanks for representing us!

  3. Comment by Greg @ Greg Rides Trails | 05.13.2010 | 11:10 am

    Just left a comment but it didn’t seem to go through. Said something along the lines of:

    Blogger to model… what a crazy transformation! Have fun, or at least try to!

  4. Comment by Greg @ Greg Rides Trails | 05.13.2010 | 11:10 am

    OK that one was successful!

  5. Comment by Megan (Best of Fates) | 05.13.2010 | 11:14 am

    I’m so glad you’re going to have 100 miles to nowhere as an annual event – after reading everyone else’s amazing stories I’m definitely exciting about participating next time.

    And don’t forget to smize – that’s one thing Tyra’s taught me.

  6. Comment by Jeff | 05.13.2010 | 11:18 am

    Maybe they thought you were Stanly Kubrick?

  7. Comment by GeorgeNotHincapie | 05.13.2010 | 11:19 am

    “I’m still having a hard wrapping my mind around that fact.” More than 4 hours? Call your doctor.

  8. Comment by Mike | 05.13.2010 | 11:25 am

    You should be sure to wear some carbon soled road shoes with really slippery cleats while you’re on the runway, just to be safe.

  9. Comment by Chris A | 05.13.2010 | 11:26 am


    My wife and I will be in California for the tour as well. We are looking forward to hanging out Saturday at TT. Hope to see you there!

    Chris and Melissa

  10. Comment by Anne | 05.13.2010 | 11:32 am

    Have a great trip to California. Looking forward to fighting cancer together with you too.

  11. Comment by bykjunkie | 05.13.2010 | 11:40 am

    Enjoy the TOC, you deserve it! We’ll be following the race online.
    To all the readers who commented on Team Marine’s 100 Miles to Nowhere, I say THANK YOU for the kind words and support.
    Hopefully next year we can do it on a BIKE!

  12. Comment by Ginger-Schminger | 05.13.2010 | 11:42 am

    I just stumbled across your blog a couple of weeks ago and immediately added it to my following list. You have an instant fan and one that DESPERATELY wishes she would’ve known about the 100 MoN so I could’ve participated as well! Oh well, next year.

  13. Comment by Lisa | 05.13.2010 | 11:43 am

    I think you’ll be a great model. Have fun!

    I’m going to be at the TT too! But not riding…spectating with my camera! It’ll be a blast to photograph.

  14. Comment by Limey | 05.13.2010 | 11:48 am

    We need to thank you, You were my inspiration, well done, and have fun doing all that great stuff, I will be doing the 100MoN next year and every year i am able, i too had lots of support, i think next year some of my supporters will be full signed up participants. Oh I have had my 100MoN tee on since sunday, guess i should take it off soon. Big thanks to all your sponsors too.

  15. Comment by Cyclin' Missy | 05.13.2010 | 12:01 pm

    I’m getting excited about everything that summer is bringing in the Fatty world. Have fun and let’s fight some cancer!

  16. Comment by Judy | 05.13.2010 | 12:06 pm

    I’m rather bummed that they’ve moved the San Jose start for the Tour de California a bit. It used to be A) right outside my work building, and B) the same place the Livestrong Challenge started from. Very convient to pop down during lunch and see them off. Now it’s more on the east side of downtown. Poo.

    Hope you have an great time, and if you’re cooling your heels in San Jose, I’ll treat for some amazing cuban food :)

  17. Comment by KanyonKris | 05.13.2010 | 12:12 pm

    Loved all the 100 Mile of Nowhere stories.

    Everyone, join the LiveStrong ride – if they get 10,000 “riders” RadioShack will donate $75,000:

  18. Comment by Jenni | 05.13.2010 | 12:15 pm

    Positive self talk.

    Also, I hope they put you in short shorts.

  19. Comment by Todd | 05.13.2010 | 12:33 pm

    I’m gonna be at the TT next Saturday as well (possibly as a volunteer)! I’ll be wearing my 100 MoN shirt and holding a Canon 7D trying to snap pictures of my favorite riders as they fly past me. Be on the lookout for me!

  20. Comment by roan | 05.13.2010 | 12:41 pm

    Fatty, this was my 1st 100MoN, can’t say I loved it, but the ride reports are extremely interesting. What I’ve noticed is the number of 100MoN riders doing their 1st century or even if not a full 100 miles what they did ride was their greatest distance to date. That is awesome !

  21. Comment by Chris B | 05.13.2010 | 12:50 pm

    Fatty will you end up anywhere near the Bay Area? I’m sure Team San Jose would love to meet our fearless leader!

  22. Comment by rachel | 05.13.2010 | 12:50 pm

    Can u tell us ur tentative schedule for the amgen ride? I live about 45 mins outside of big bear, ca and am already planning on driving up to watch the riders…id love to see you go by too! Ill definetely wear my 100mon shirt!!

  23. Comment by Roses | 05.13.2010 | 1:10 pm

    Celebrity is in the eye of the holder. We wouldn’t be so ga-ga over 100 MoN if you weren’t a celebrity.

  24. Comment by Tina Z | 05.13.2010 | 1:25 pm

    We had a blast attempting to finish the 100 MoN. Happy to hear it will continue in the spring!

  25. Comment by Deuce | 05.13.2010 | 1:43 pm

    I think you should borrow the ‘Blue Steel’ look from Zoolander for your modeling gig! That would be awesome.

  26. Comment by a chris | 05.13.2010 | 1:47 pm

    The awesome thing about fame these days: you can move to Australia but people will still recognize you.

    I barely missed the last spots for 100MoN. My husband was relieved because he didn’t think my plan to try it on our Cargobike was wise. I’m sure he’s right, but I probably would have given myself some credit miles to make up for the weight…

    T-shirt-only registration might be an idea for next year, on top of the “elite” swag packs.

  27. Comment by josh | 05.13.2010 | 1:57 pm

    will you be modeling the new helmets?

  28. Comment by Lesley Jacobs | 05.13.2010 | 1:58 pm

    Bring it on Fatty, I can’t wait to see what you’ve got up your sleeve for your friends to participate in next!
    As for the modeling gig, ham it up and try to stay on the runway…and if you fall, do it with the style of an NBA player showboating in the finals.

  29. Comment by Joel P. | 05.13.2010 | 2:09 pm

    First, congratulations to all of my fellow 100 MoN participants. May we all share in the “fun” together next year. Now Fatty, don’t worry about your modeling debut. Just think WWSTD (What Would Stanley Tucci Do). Have a blast at the Tour of California and come back with some fresh ideas to expand the Team Fatty fight against cancer.
    Joel P.

  30. Comment by Constantin | 05.13.2010 | 2:10 pm

    I love the 100 Miles to Nowhere idea!!!

    About you being famous – I think it’s REAL fame because you are REAL and you cycle (you don’t ride in limos) and because you share your thoughts (you don’t have a PR team) and because you connect with people on a personal level (you don’t have an agent) and you talk about your failures as well (you don’t pretend to be super human like most of the ‘real’ celebrities are presented to us by the media), you’re real because you cry (I saw it in one of your clips on Vimeo) and because you laugh and smile.

    You’re the REAL deal. I love your work here on Fat Cyclist and I’m happy that the internet allows me to learn about outdoorsy people halfway around the globe.


  31. Comment by Chuck | 05.13.2010 | 2:15 pm

    Fatty, here’s what to do:

    1. suck in the tummy
    2. squeeze the hind cheeks
    3. Sing the “I’m too sexy” song (to yourself) in your head You don’t want to sing it out loud, eople might think you are nutz.
    4. strut with ATTITUDE!!

    The report back and tell us how it goes.

  32. Comment by Dan | 05.13.2010 | 3:02 pm

    Fatty and all of the 100 MoN participants Bravo!!! Great news on the celebrity front as well. You have all inspirde me and I am starting to ride. I fully intend to participate in next year’s 100 MoN and I hope you are able to expand the number of availble slots for all of us newly inspired folks. Let’s do everything we can to kick cancer’s butt!

  33. Comment by Dell Wilson | 05.13.2010 | 3:40 pm

    Fatty, I think you’ll be a great model. Just remember to poop before you hit the runway.

  34. Comment by fat dadoo | 05.13.2010 | 4:26 pm

    I am proud of all the 100MoN participants, all of team Fatty for that matter. I am curious as to why so many folks allegedly going nowhere has issues with Matt’s favorite training partner, Mr. Wind? Seems an anomaly.

    ToC stage 1 Sierras to Sac s/b amazing. Hope Lance keeps his bike this year.

    cheers all.

  35. Comment by Richard Allen | 05.13.2010 | 4:35 pm

    Please open the 100 MoN to more partipants. I”ll bet that you could double the number of entries and still have peopel wanting to sign up. I wanted to do it but did not enter in time

  36. Comment by Born 4Lycra | 05.13.2010 | 5:57 pm

    Good luck with the modelling thing but what I really want to say is my family moved to Australia and humiliation had nothing to do with it and we kept our name. Just wanted to clear that up.

  37. Comment by Mark | 05.13.2010 | 6:50 pm

    Changing your name and moving to Australia won’t work as we’ll recognise you anyway! There will be no escape :-)

  38. Comment by vickster | 05.13.2010 | 7:58 pm

    I second the comment above about T-shirt only registration. Perhaps you could promise goody bags to the first 500 who sign up as an incentive to get organised early? It would be interesting to see how big the numbers would get without a cap.

  39. Comment by Carl | 05.13.2010 | 9:16 pm

    Maybe it was those quads of yours?

  40. Comment by leah | 05.13.2010 | 9:43 pm

    if you’re coming to norcal, you need to say “hella cool”. seriously, try it. you’ll like it.

  41. Comment by Jeremy | 05.13.2010 | 11:12 pm

    A model… unbelievable. Musical accompaniment in my head is by Right Said Fred.

  42. Comment by Betsy | 05.13.2010 | 11:13 pm

    Hey Fatty, I’ll be doing the 100 MoN next year, I really did have fun.(minus the pain in my tailbone) I was so inspired by all the stories and glad to share in the joy of the ride.

    When you started talking about the modeling gig, “I’m to sexy” started running through my head. Just remember not to drink too much caffine before the runway. (don’t want to repeat,….well you know! Dasiy)

    Have fun at the Tour of California, you so deserve it.

  43. Comment by Jenn | 05.14.2010 | 12:50 am

    While I’m guessing that @Megan meant “smile”, I think smizing sounds much more interesting and original; you should consider it on the runway. Any time I need a giggle today, I’ll be imagining Fatty strutting in bib shorts (no shirt, a la Assos models), thumbs tucked under the straps, sashaying side-to-side in time with Right Said Fred, then striking a pose at center stage with one of those awesome calves angled proudly at the audience and head turned skyward as if to say, “I’m so FAAAABulOUUSSS!!”

  44. Comment by AK Chick | 05.14.2010 | 2:15 am

    That’s it, I’m doing the 100 Miles to Nowhere next year. :)

    I love your blog because your readers inspire me too! You have such a cool bunch of followers. I love reading all the comments. I feel like we are a Fatty Community albeit a cyber one. :)

    Can’t wait to hear about the “kinda cool” thing. :)

  45. Comment by GrannyGear | 05.14.2010 | 7:19 am

    Model; who cares? First name basis with Johan; now that’s cool.

  46. Comment by Elizabeth | 05.14.2010 | 7:29 am

    @Jenn – I definitely watch America’s Next Top Model too much. I think “smize” is Tyra’s trademark instruction to “smile with you eyes”, Fatty should practice it.
    Yay for everyone for the 100MtoN!

  47. Comment by Heidi | 05.14.2010 | 7:56 am

    Hey, you earned a bland affair in your 100 miles to nowhere this year. Hadn’t you just competed in an IRON MAN fergoshsakes?

  48. Comment by Miles Archer | 05.14.2010 | 8:09 am

    Please let us know what you’re doing for the ToC. I’d like to wave to you as you go by in the team car.

  49. Comment by Paunchy and Proud | 05.14.2010 | 8:38 am

    Maybe you should email “BikesnobNYC” with your assessment of bike blog fame.

  50. Comment by Mark | 05.14.2010 | 8:44 am

    Join you? I will be looking forward to Monday for a change. Can’t wait to learn more.

  51. Comment by Azriel | 05.14.2010 | 9:20 am

    Not pretty?
    I beg to differ… you remind me of a very handsome hush-puppy….
    Maybe not as cross-eyed as this one.

  52. Comment by brian | 05.14.2010 | 10:28 am

    I was thinking along the same lines as others who have posted – I too was interested in signing up for 100 MON but it sold out before I got up the guts to sign up. The cap should be something like 2000 next year.

    If the SWAG is the limiting factor – get rid of or greatly reduce it. The t-shirt is the only thing I’d really care about – you’ve got to do a t-shirt. I’m also assuming that some of the money went to the sponsors and certainly some went to shipping – I’d like to see as much as possible going to fight cancer.

  53. Comment by Ken | 05.14.2010 | 11:10 am

    Remember Fatty: YOU … turned it into an awesome event in interesting places … and all the rest! All the stories including yours are inspiring and motivating. 2011 here we come.

    To snot rocketeer & bykjunkie: If you’re still at sea next year, the Marines need to spring for some new spinners!

    Also the caption on the Seattle Front Yard Division photo strip could have read “Lesley gets a leadout for the final sprint”!! ; )

    Hope to see you all in Seattle in June.

  54. Comment by Ian Thomson | 05.14.2010 | 11:29 am

    why do they call you fatty? You look great, maybe not as thin as a competitive cyclist, but looking good.

    Could I start a “Team Fatty” in Canada? I feel so inspired, that I want to do something!

  55. Comment by Road Divit | 05.14.2010 | 12:00 pm

    a>Why must you belittle your Internet-God status? If half of the crap out there did half of what you do to raise money for great causes…. nuff said.
    b> you are banded from using the word ‘Dread’ as in dread lock. You got none.
    c>spray on tan for the legs, Just say no to ash.

  56. Comment by gumoore | 05.14.2010 | 12:17 pm


    Complete tangent here….just wondering how your nephew is doing?

  57. Comment by Dan O | 05.14.2010 | 11:47 pm

    The 100 mile stories were awesome – great stuff.

    Man, sorry I missed this. I wanna do it next May – have some ideas already….

  58. Comment by Henry | 05.15.2010 | 12:58 am

    I know you’re done with the 100 MoN but I just completed it here in Lexington, KY after having to postpone due to illness. I don’t know which was worse, being sick or 100 miles on a trainer… Sign me up for next year’s!!

  59. Comment by Houstin | 05.15.2010 | 2:01 am

    Thanks for sharing everyone’s experiences… I’m in next year for sure. I just wish that I wasn’t reading this at 1am… are you going riding at all while you are here in Cali? Any group rides planned for tomorrow in the Sac area? Who am I kidding… it is 1am and my body won’t let me get up for an early morning group ride… DANG!!!

  60. Comment by Jill2 | 05.15.2010 | 11:12 am

    Lance has Ride for the Roses; Fatty has 100 Miles of Nowhere! FLS Team Fatty!

  61. Comment by NW | 05.15.2010 | 1:06 pm

    Rock that runway, Fatty!

  62. Comment by PW Dave | 05.15.2010 | 9:28 pm

    I was so glad to read the 100 mile stories. Due to some scheduling issues I wont do mine until tomorrow. I will carry through in a Fatty inspired way though.
    BTW – Will we get a video posting of the fashion show complete with a ‘I’m too sexy” soundtrack?

  63. Comment by Niall@Brisvegas | 05.16.2010 | 5:11 am

    Come on down to Aus. We take plenty of humiliated persons down here. The place is full of them. Must be something to do with our convict origins!

  64. Comment by Scott Joy | 05.16.2010 | 1:34 pm

    Aw, you’re plenty good looking. More important, you’re good being.

  65. Comment by Jeff L. | 05.16.2010 | 2:28 pm

    If you will still be in the Los Angeles area on Sunday after the TT, come join my club (SoCal Colavita) for a great ride starting in Simi Valley at 7:30am…I’m sure we’ll end up at the ToC, since Thousand Oaks is only a few miles away. I’m sure I can scrounge up a bike for you if you aren’t bringing yours. Who knows, maybe we’ll do the Rock Store climb before the pros hit the course. Let me know if you want to ride and I’ll give you details.

  66. Comment by Lindsey | 05.19.2010 | 8:31 am

    Saw you at the Gallivan Center for the Bike Bonanza/Cycle in Style show. You rocked it Fatty! Hope you are having a fantastic time in California.


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