I’m just a few short days from flying to Los Angeles, where I will get to ride in the Team RadioShack car, following some very lucky pro as he tries to ride 21 miles very, very fast.
I could just sit in the car during the ride, taking it all in, doing my best to remember it all so I can write a lucid, interesting, and perhaps even clever blog post about what it’s like to ride in a team car during a time trial.
I could, but I won’t. Because if I did that, I would completely miss the opportunity to do the following:
- At a key moment during the race, I’ll ask the driver to stop swerving so much. “I think I’m going to hurl,” I’ll say.
- Bring a pillow, “Just in case I get bored.”
- Point out interesting landmarks along the way, and maybe ask if we can stop so I can take pictures.
- Ask, several times, “Are we there yet? I really need to pee.”
- Ask the team mechanic if he’d mind adjusting the trim on my rear derailleur.
- Bring Funyuns, eat them noisily, ask if anyone would like some.
- Ask if I can have a turn driving.
- Tell the driver I know a shortcut that can get us there faster.
Furthermore, I plan to wrest (what other blogs use the word “wrest,” by the way? None, that’s what. This blog is freaking educational) control of the radio from the driver and do the following:
- Holler the lyrics to the Macarena song, very loudly.
- Tell the cyclist that it’s OK to slow down. “Not everyone can win every day. Maybe it’s time you give someone else a turn. Feel free to just phone in your ride today,” I’ll say.
- Say, “Big Ben, this here is Rubber Duck. What’s your 20?” And then I’ll make the squelching noise CB radios made when you released the “Talk” button.
- Yell upcoming turn instructions to the rider, but constantly confuse left and right. “Slight left — I mean right — bend up ahead in twenty — I mean thirty five — yards, I mean 3.5 kilometers. No, right! RIGHT! TURN AROUND!”
I suspect that right this minute, everyone on the team is fighting for the privilege of being the one to have me be behind them.
Fight Cancer, Win a Jersey Autographed by Lance Armstrong, Levi Leipheimer, or George Hincapie, and a Whole Bunch More Cool Stuff
One of the things I like about the Amgen Tour of California is the close association with the Breakaway from Cancer initiative. Breakaway from Cancer, in case you aren’t familiar with it, is a terrific source of information and tools for people who are battling cancer.
So, during the Amgen Tour of California, I’m working with Amgen to help raise some money for this initiative. By donating, you have a chance of winning one of the following:
- One of 2 jerseys autographed by Lance Armstrong
- A jersey autographed by George Hincapie
- A jersey autographed by Levi Leipheimer
- One of 3 Amgen Tour of California merchandise packs, each of which includes an ATOC leader jersey, a pair of Oakley sunglasses, an ATOC t-shirt, an ATOC bag, and a pair of ATOC socks.
How do you win? Simple. Go to the Amgen Breakaway from Cancer donation page and make a donation. For every $5 you donate, you’ll automatically get a chance when we do a drawing for the prizes listed above.
This contest goes until the end of the Tour, Sunday, May 23. Winners will be notified by email on Monday, May 24, and announced on this blog once they have confirmed.
It’s a great cause with some very cool prizes. Go donate now.
PS: Thanks to Dug for pretty much all the funny parts today.