Fight Cancer, Win a Jersey Autographed by Lance, George, or Levi

05.18.2010 | 10:53 am

I’m just a few short days from flying to Los Angeles, where I will get to ride in the Team RadioShack car, following some very lucky pro as he tries to ride 21 miles very, very fast.

I could just sit in the car during the ride, taking it all in, doing my best to remember it all so I can write a lucid, interesting, and perhaps even clever blog post about what it’s like to ride in a team car during a time trial.

I could, but I won’t. Because if I did that, I would completely miss the opportunity to do the following:

  • At a key moment during the race, I’ll ask the driver to stop swerving so much. “I think I’m going to hurl,” I’ll say.
  • Bring a pillow, “Just in case I get bored.”
  • Point out interesting landmarks along the way, and maybe ask if we can stop so I can take pictures.
  • Ask, several times, “Are we there yet? I really need to pee.”
  • Ask the team mechanic if he’d mind adjusting the trim on my rear derailleur.
  • Bring Funyuns, eat them noisily, ask if anyone would like some.
  • Ask if I can have a turn driving.
  • Tell the driver I know a shortcut that can get us there faster.

Furthermore, I plan to wrest (what other blogs use the word “wrest,” by the way? None, that’s what. This blog is freaking educational) control of the radio from the driver and do the following:

  • Holler the lyrics to the Macarena song, very loudly.
  • Tell the cyclist that it’s OK to slow down. “Not everyone can win every day. Maybe it’s time you give someone else a turn. Feel free to just phone in your ride today,” I’ll say.
  • Say, “Big Ben, this here is Rubber Duck. What’s your 20?” And then I’ll make the squelching noise CB radios made when you released the “Talk” button.
  • Yell upcoming turn instructions to the rider, but constantly confuse left and right. “Slight left — I mean right — bend up ahead in twenty — I mean thirty five — yards, I mean 3.5 kilometers. No, right! RIGHT! TURN AROUND!”

I suspect that right this minute, everyone on the team is fighting for the privilege of being the one to have me be behind them.

Fight Cancer, Win a Jersey Autographed by Lance Armstrong, Levi Leipheimer, or George Hincapie, and a Whole Bunch More Cool Stuff

One of the things I like about the Amgen Tour of California is the close association with the Breakaway from Cancer initiative. Breakaway from Cancer, in case you aren’t familiar with it, is a terrific source of information and tools for people who are battling cancer.

So, during the Amgen Tour of California, I’m working with Amgen to help raise some money for this initiative. By donating, you have a chance of winning one of the following:

  • One of 2 jerseys autographed by Lance Armstrong
  • A jersey autographed by George Hincapie
  • A jersey autographed by Levi Leipheimer
  • One of 3 Amgen Tour of California merchandise packs, each of which includes an ATOC leader jersey, a pair of Oakley sunglasses, an ATOC t-shirt, an ATOC bag, and a pair of ATOC socks.

How do you win? Simple. Go to the Amgen Breakaway from Cancer donation page and make a donation. For every $5 you donate, you’ll automatically get a chance when we do a drawing for the prizes listed above.

This contest goes until the end of the Tour, Sunday, May 23. Winners will be notified by email on Monday, May 24, and announced on this blog once they have confirmed.

It’s a great cause with some very cool prizes. Go donate now.

PS: Thanks to Dug for pretty much all the funny parts today.


  1. Comment by Corey Porter | 05.18.2010 | 11:03 am

    While you’re there:

    Beef double dip. You know you want to.

  2. Comment by dug | 05.18.2010 | 11:04 am

    “This blog is freaking educational”

    in short, you follow the admonition of horace. you delight AND instruct. dulce et utile.

  3. Comment by Paul Guyot | 05.18.2010 | 11:07 am


    Great cause and cool prizes.

    I’m riding in my first charity ride this year (Tour de Cure) and the fundraising has become as fun as riding.

    Well done, Fatty.

  4. Comment by Marilyn | 05.18.2010 | 11:15 am

    Sounds like it is going to be a blast in the car. I will have to donate as a jersey signed by one on the guys would be great to go with the signed Chris Carmichael jersey I have.

    I have my Livestrong fundraiser “Dying to Ride” up on for anyone that is interested or you could order a t-shirt or hoodie with proceeds going to Livestrong.

  5. Comment by Jodi | 05.18.2010 | 11:19 am

    I’m wondering how much Dug charges to donate his funny parts?

  6. Comment by Jeff | 05.18.2010 | 11:32 am

    You absolutely MUST wear a helmet cam when riding with Johan. From what I’ve heard about his driving, the helmet is a good idea,too.

    And I’m not sure why, but I feel like this might be the best giveaway yet…

  7. Comment by Megan (Best of Fates) | 05.18.2010 | 11:34 am

    After reading that post, I’m left wondering – you know the words to the Macarena? I didn’t think anybody knew the words to the Macarena.

    I didn’t think it was possible to understand the words to the Macarena.

    You’ve got a gift.

    Or you’re not human.

    One is impressive and one is frightening.

    I’ll let you know which one I decide.

  8. Comment by bikemike | 05.18.2010 | 11:37 am

    when ANY of the team managers are yelling at their spanish speaking riders on the radio, it always sounds like the lyrics to the macarena.

    pick a random racer and tell him you think his saddle is too high, then watch paranoia set in real quick like.

  9. Comment by Roger Whitney | 05.18.2010 | 11:58 am

    For you baby????? anything.

    20 chances at some SWAG.

  10. Comment by MattC | 05.18.2010 | 12:07 pm

    I’m kind’a bummed…I was assuming you were going to do your ride-along on Friday’s Palmdale to Big Bear stage (maybe the 4 or 5 hours in the car was too much…I mean, would Johan have stopped for a ‘potty break’?) Hmmmm…this news will change my strategy for where I was going to be on the route (I was planning on making some ’special’ signs in your honor, and wanted to be way out in ‘no mans land’ all alone, so that you couldn’t HELP but see me). Hmmm….need to rethink this.

  11. Comment by GenghisKhan | 05.18.2010 | 12:29 pm

    Please add Dug’s funny parts back in, assuming they are SFW, that is… ;o)

  12. Comment by skippy | 05.18.2010 | 12:34 pm

    No Potty breaks allowed!
    Wear your helmet camera so you can record the whole experience, use a kneck brace so as to keep your head fixed forward so as to stop making us “seasick” when we watch the product of your efforts!
    Monday you can exhibit either edited excerpts or auction off copies of the entie event to raise more funds!
    Good luck, enjoy the ride and remember we are counting on you to capture the total experience!

  13. Comment by Darren | 05.18.2010 | 12:38 pm

    Do we need to put anything in the “group name” field? Or are you giving every person that donates a chance at the prizes?

  14. Comment by MainiacRager | 05.18.2010 | 12:39 pm

    All set. Thanks for the opportunity.

    Stay away from the coffee tomorrow.

  15. Comment by Mike Roadie | 05.18.2010 | 1:29 pm

    How cool…and those are really sharp looking jerseys, too.

    And don’t swerve!!!!!!!

  16. Comment by Shari | 05.18.2010 | 1:29 pm

    I was thinking about taking my kids to watch the time trial through downtown L.A. — but I’m terrified you’ll yell “Hey, there’s that dim sum truck everybody’s tweeting about!” into Johan’s ear, making him swerve erratically and force hundreds of spectators to scale the sides of Disney Hall (no mean feat). Although it would make the tv coverage a *lot* more interesting…

  17. Comment by Arizona Guy | 05.18.2010 | 1:32 pm

    Fatty -

    As I’m sure you have heard, they are letting a few professional Triathletes hammer the TT before the TOC guys race it. Now that you are IRONFatty, you could probably pull a few strings and get yourself a slot.
    You could line up on your Orbea with no aero anything (’cause you don’t need that flimflamery ) and compare your times to the pros.

    I saw you leading the pack on your ride in AZ…you just might win the thing!


  18. Comment by Roger Whitney | 05.18.2010 | 1:58 pm

    What would an IM Fatty Tattoo look like anyway?

  19. Comment by Clydesteve | 05.18.2010 | 2:07 pm

    Does Dug know you think some of his parts are funny?

  20. Comment by Limey | 05.18.2010 | 2:11 pm

    If your having a great time, You could shout out to the rider “STOP STOP we have to go back and start again they, forgot to reset the timer”. Then you get to do it again, May be….

  21. Comment by Roses | 05.18.2010 | 2:28 pm

    Don’t forget to pack the water bottles from your office that have the big X on them. You know which ones I mean, right? The ones that hold the “Mountain Dew”.

  22. Comment by Jenni | 05.18.2010 | 2:51 pm

    I’d suggest bringing your cell phone and catching up on all those phone calls you need to make. Just shush everyone else in the car so you’re not disturbed.

  23. Comment by nibbler | 05.18.2010 | 4:26 pm

    Are there words to the Macarena? Or is it like singing the Batman song? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-BATMAN!

  24. Comment by Mindy | 05.18.2010 | 4:50 pm

    You know the words to the Macarena??? Kudos!

  25. Comment by Robin | 05.18.2010 | 5:56 pm

    Just donated! Thanks for giving the opportunity to support another good cause!

  26. Comment by Frankenhip | 05.18.2010 | 6:14 pm

    Made a donation. Looking forward to the post after your trip.

  27. Comment by tucker | 05.18.2010 | 7:30 pm

    Just donated. Have a great time and take lots of pics for us!

  28. Comment by Greg @ Greg Rides Trails | 05.18.2010 | 8:23 pm

    Ah yes, truck convoy reference!!!!

  29. Comment by Anne | 05.19.2010 | 1:12 am

    Hmm, I guess you can not donate if you live in the USA, weird.

  30. Comment by Cardiac Kid | 05.19.2010 | 5:58 am

    I like where you’re going with the in car plan but could you start it all off by sliding across the hood and climbing in through an open window Dukes of Hazard style?

  31. Comment by Aidan | 05.19.2010 | 7:45 am


    I’m in Ireland and trying to donate, but can’t as you don’t seem to allow international entries? :(
    Can this be fixed?

  32. Comment by MattC | 05.19.2010 | 8:32 am

    Anybody who watched yesterdays VS coverage of the ToC stage and was ticked when they cut away the closing minutes to switch to the start of the hockey game should write VS an email (I just did)…here’s the email address:

    Come on Fatty’s….let-em have it!

  33. Comment by Dr. Manhattan | 05.19.2010 | 8:34 am

    Tell them over the radio that there is news of impending nuclear war, then weep.

  34. Comment by 3ringcircus | 05.19.2010 | 11:00 am

    Hey Fatty: I attended the Friday kickoff gala in Sac, and in an attempt grab Lance’s attention and perhaps even “have a conversation” as he swept into the event, I said, “Hey Lance, where’s Elden?” Lance’s response? “I don’t know, you have to ask Johan; that’s his deal.”
    You might need to tell LA that he’s no longer your BFF – Johan is. (Actually, he was smiling at the time.) I don’t care to admit how many times I told acquaintances over the weekend, “when I was talking with Lance…”

    Rock on Fatty and enjoy the (car)ride.

  35. Comment by Biene-Munich | 05.19.2010 | 12:36 pm

    Whew. I got my 100 miles – Finisher kit today…kept me happy all day long. Thanks a lot for that! The T-shirt is way too small but I can’t wait to try out the rest.

  36. Comment by Rick C | 05.19.2010 | 1:31 pm

    Was at the TofCA today, on the Sierra Rd climb near the bottom. (Downhill side of the road.) Was sporting the jersey, could get a glimpse on TV Coverage…maybe. = ) Keep an eye out!

  37. Comment by Nancy | 05.19.2010 | 3:28 pm

    When I put my husband’s LiveStrong magazine on his desk just now, the “Fat Cyclist” headline on the cover grabbed my attention, so I had to stop and read it. Nice article and great photos. They should have put your “after” pic on the cover instead of the gorgeous babe, whoever she is! Congrats.

  38. Comment by Erik | 05.19.2010 | 5:00 pm

    That “gorgeous babe” on the cover is Lorena Rojas, a dear friend of mine and a famous Mexican singer and actress who’s fighting breast cancer. She’s a huge LIVESTRONG supporter. I’m sure she’d be a Friend of Fatty.

  39. Comment by soshi | 05.20.2010 | 3:03 am

    win a prize for a cause. awesome!

  40. Comment by Tom Fort | 05.20.2010 | 6:20 am


    Will you keep allowing yourself to be used by Armstrong and Bruyneel as a part of their PR apparatus if Landis’ recent allegations have any merit?

    Sorry to be a downer. I know the LAF helped you and Susan, but I think you’re coming to a critical ethical junction.

  41. Comment by Dr. Manhattan | 05.20.2010 | 7:26 am


    Thanks for having the courage to mentioning the unmentionable: Armstrong is a self-serving corporate douche. I don’t suppose that means the cause of raising money for cancer needs to suffer for that, but I for one think it is a real ethical issue, that is, if you care about ethics. I’m not sure the calculated “look at all he has done for XYZ” proactive defense is enough.

    Life is tough and we all need each other’s support, but really, surviving cancer doesn’t seem to have humbled this man much.

  42. Comment by Michael McNutt | 05.20.2010 | 8:01 am

    Can I have one of their EPO vials signed instead?

  43. Comment by NYCCarlos | 05.20.2010 | 8:36 am

    sooooooooo this has nothing to do with anything on this blog, except that we, as fatties, should all be buying from this store: check it out.

  44. Comment by NYCCarlos | 05.20.2010 | 9:14 am

    PS… Landis is a douche. Why on earth do you believe his lying a–? Lance is the most tested athlete in history. Do you really believe he’s been dirty all these years and just managed not to get caught? The french have been trying for years to take him down… I think by now they would have succeeded if it were even close to true. Sure, he’s a corporate whore, but who cares? That’s how he makes his money. There really isn’t that much fame and fortune in professional cycling unless you sell your soul a little…

  45. Comment by Weaky6 | 05.20.2010 | 10:40 am

    @NYCCarlos Yes.

  46. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » I Have a Confession to Make. OK, Make that Confessions. | 05.21.2010 | 6:09 am

    [...] Tour of California merchandise pack is still going on. We’ve raised just about $2000 so far. Read here for details, and go here to [...]


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