In some alternate universe, those of us with a fondness for empty calories rule the peloton, because — in this magical alternate universe — those empty calories make us faster. The complicated relationship we have — in this universe — with pastry simply doesn’t exist, because in that (much better) universe, the more donuts you eat, the faster you ride. The better you do in races.
And on July 17, I will spend a day in that universe.
Yep, that’s right. I’m an official promoter of the event. And not just because I’m a beloved sports blog personality. I’m promoting it because I simply cannot imagine a more awesome combination of three things I love. Specifically:
- Riding: The Utah Tour de Donut is a three-lap road race around a seven-mile course in American Fork Utah. I like the fact that it’s not a long course. I like the fact that it’s not a steep course. I like the fact that if I get lost on the course I’ll probably still find my way home.
- Eating: At the beginning of each of the three laps, you have the opportunity to eat as many donuts as you want (i.e., can stand). Each donut you eat knocks three minutes off your time. The winner each year has finished with a negative amount of time. I expect to do well in this race, but I do not expect to win. The guy to the right — Regan Fackrell (his real name) — is the returning champion, and frankly I don’t think I have a prayer, because Regan actually trains for the event, using techniques champion food-eating contest pros use. Still: I can try, darnit.
- Cancer Fighting: In addition to local projects, this year — at my request — the Utah Tour de Donut will be benefitting LiveStrong.
I don’t know if I’ll ride the beach cruiser tandem with The Runner, ride solo, or ride a tandem with alternating twins. I see benefits with all possibilities. In any case, this is going to be a silly, fun, puketastic race that will also do a lot of good. I’m really excited to be part of it.
And I’d like you to be part of it with me.
How You Can Participate, Even If You’re Not a Local
The most awesome way you can be part of the Utah Tour de Donut is to come ride it with me. But taking a quick glance at my reader stats, I see I have quite a few more readers in Australia than I do in Utah, and — sadly — I expect most of you aren’t going to make the trip.
But you can still participate, through the medium of donating to the cause, in exchange for which I will do your bidding. Here’s how it will work:
- If you donate $10, I will loudly (as in “shouting at the top of my lungs”) proclaim — before eating a donut — that I am eating it on your behalf. You can do multiples of $10, too. If you want to get really specific about which lap you want me to eat your donut, just say. If I get way more donations for this, I will delegate some of the eating to The Runner, The Swimmer (we’re currently trying to persuade The Swimmer to ride tandem with The Runner) or to one of the twins. But I’ll still do the shouting.
- If you donate $50, I will write your name (or short phrase of your choosing), in a Sharpie color of your choosing on a visible place on my body or — if I run out of room on my body — jersey. So in a way, you’ll be riding with me. And I promise to try not to throw up on your name.
- $If you donate $100, I will write your name (or short phrase of your choosing) in Sharpie on a place of your choosing. Yes, that can include on the top of my head, on my (awesome) quads, or on my face. I have no shame.
To participate with me this way, go to the Tour de Donut site and click the Donate button down toward the bottom-left of the page. When you get your email receipt, forward it on to me (my email address is “email@example.com”) with instructions on what to do.
If You ARE a Local, Come Ride With Me
If you do happen to live in the area, head on over to the Tour de Donut Registration Page, where you can get details about the race. Register as a family, solo, or a tandem. Or if you’d like to come join the fun but aren’t in the mood to compete, why don’t you volunteer?
And please, wear your Fat Cyclist jersey (or t-shirt, whatever) if you’ve got one. Trust me, this is one occasion where nobody’s going to question what it means.