LEADVILLE, CO (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Seven-time Tour de France Winner Lance Armstrong announced recently that he, along with RadioShack teammate Levi Leipheimer will race in the 2010 Leadville 100 mountain bike this Saturday, August 14.
Armstrong has also announced that he will not be racing the 2010 Leadville 100 mountain bike this Saturday, August 14.
“To clear up any confusion, I would like to announce that I either will or will not be racing in Leadville this weekend,” said Armstrong. “This either is or is not a very important race to me, and I would like to tell my fans and co-competitors that I am both looking forward to seeing and racing with them, or not.”
“Could go either way,” added Armstrong. “Depends on whether I can find someone to take care of the kids for the day.”
(Armstrong’s children could not be reached for comment.)
“Plus,” continued Armstrong, “I haven’t really put together a crew, and I’d be kind of embarrassed to ask someone to scramble their plans and spend their whole day shuttling from one aid station to the next.”
“But I dunno,” said Armstrong, evidently to himself. “Maybe I could put together a few drop bags and just use the food from the aid stations.”
“Probably too late for me to get a hotel room in Leadville, though,” mused Armstrong.
Speculation Runs Amok
Many people have reacted to the fact that Armstrong will likely not race the Leadville 100.
Levi Leipheimer: “You know how there was always this guy in college who’d beg you and beg you and beg you to come to this party you weren’t even interested in? Eventually he’d beat you down and you’d show up at this party just because that guy said it was going to be so awesome, and then it turns out that this guy didn’t even show up? Yeah, it’s kind of like that. On the other hand, I’m sure glad that I picked the Leadville 100 as my first mountain bike race, ever! It should be a blast racing it against Dave Wiens — the guy who’s won this race more times than he can count — as well as nine-time national mountain bike champion, Jeremy Horgan-Kobelski.”
Johan Bruyneel: “As you no doubt know, Lance has been involved in an intense training program to learn to change a flat tire. His progress has been outstanding, but there’s still work to be done. I think that barring any future setbacks, we can look forward to Lance changing his own tires by 2012. At which point, can you say ‘Comeback 3.0′?”
Citizen Pictures, Creator of last year’s Race Across the Sky Documentary: “We were of course very excited to be filming a followup documentary to our very successful film last year. And of course, we fully intended to make the sequel revolve around Lance again. With him out of the race, we’re thinking we’ll make the documentary anyway, and it will still focus on Lance. It will be called Lance Hangs Around Aspen With His Kids. It will be a heartwarming look at a day of Lance. Hanging around in Aspen. With his kids.
Concluded the representative for Citizen Pictures, “We think it will be huge.”
“I just want to be perfectly clear,” said Armstrong. “I will probably be there, racing the Leadville 100 mountain bike race. Unless I’m not.”
“Or who knows, maybe I’ll just ride part of it.”