Fatty’s Inferno, Part IV: Third and Fourth Circles

03.31.2011 | 1:12 pm

Note: This is Part IV of Fatty’s Inferno. Read previous installments here:

We were back at the crossroads again. The signpost indicating where I had just been now read, Cycling Laziness, Selfishness, and Unbridled Greed.

“You know,” I said, “I’m beginning to think that hell kind of sucks.”

“And you have as yet seen so little of it,” mocked The Cyclist. “Choose now another road.”

“OK, I choose that road,” I said, pointing at the one that seemed opposite from the Laziness sign.”

“It is well that you choose that road,” replied The Cyclist with the hint of a smile. “But that’s not the next road you’re going to ride.”

“Well, why’d you even bother having me choose one if you’re going to send us on a different road anyway?” I said, knowing that while I was doing my best to hide my irritation, I wasn’t exactly succeeding.

“Just to jerk you around.” said The Cyclist.

“Well, why did you wait ’til now to take me on a different road than I chose?” I was getting worse at hiding my irritation.

“You just got lucky the first two times and picked the roads I was going to take you on anyway.”

“Whatever.” OK, I had given up on hiding my irritation. A part of me wondered at what happens when you start acting peevish toward the grim reaper of cycling.

“I can’t believe you just said ‘Whatever’ again. You sound like a fifteen-year-old when you say that.”

“Can we please just start riding?” I asked.

Later, I would regret being in such a hurry to get started.

Third Circle

This time I was ready for the way The Cyclist always took off before I was ready, and I got the jump on him. I pedaled furiously, at the absolute limit of what I was capable of, feeling a fierce pride in being able to drop this guy.

Three seconds later, The Cyclist blew by me, hands resting on the hoods, his legs spinning comfortably at what I would guess at 140rpm.

“How’s it goin’?” he said.

He then eased up, letting me draft, giving me the chance to assess this version of a cyclist’s hell.

But for the life (the death?) of me, I couldn’t figure out what was so bad about this place. Sure, the road wasn’t perfect – it was chipseal — but it was chipseal that had at least been laid down several years ago, so the vibration wasn’t too bad.

And there was a bit of a headwind, but I’d hesitate to call it a hellish headwind.

The surroundings were perhaps a little bleak, but not horrible. Boring, but not catastrophically ugly.

And I suppose it was uncomfortably warm, but I’ve ridden in hotter. In fact, I ride in hotter weather every day, two months out of each year.

And, looking around, I could see that there was in fact a wide variety of OK riding terrain. I could see some flats (maybe not as long of flats as I’d like), and some mountains (which I’d have preferred to be perhaps a little taller).

And in short, it didn’t seem like a half-bad place to ride. Not great, but not terrible.

“So what kind of half-baked hell is this?” I asked. “I wouldn’t want to move here, but I wouldn’t mind riding here if I had to.”

“You make an interesting observation,” allowed The Cyclist. “But do you see anyone riding here?”

“No,” I said, realizing for the first time that we appeared to be totally alone. “Where are the other riders?”

The Cyclist pointed. “Look, off in the distance. There’s one rider far ahead.”

“Cool,” I replied. “Let’s catch him.”

“Go for it,” said my guide. “I’ll let you lead.”

And so, for the second time in just a few minutes, I stood up, shifted into a big gear, and gave chase. This time, though, I kept my eye on the guy in front of me, looking for signs that I was reeling him in.

And, briefly, I believe that I was gaining on that rider. Just before I blew up. The rider ahead of me vanished over the horizon

“Oh, that’s too bad,” The Cyclist — who apparently had been drafting behind me the whole time — said. “It looks like you were starting to gain on him, too.”

“Yeah,” I wheezed.

Which is when another cyclist — one I had not seen before — flew by, not acknowledging me. In pursuit of…something, I guess.

“Are you beginning to see the nature of this cyclist’s hell?” asked The Cyclist.

“No,” I replied, honestly.

“In this hell,” said The Cyclist, “the only other cyclists you can see are the riders who are faster than you. Which means you can see other cyclists who are passing you, but they cannot see you. You can see — and pursue — cyclists who are ahead of you, but you will never be aware of catching one. Here, you will never see another cyclist who goes your speed or slower.”

“OK…so what’s the point of that?” I asked.

“This hell,” said The Cyclist, “is reserved for those who treat every ride as a race. In life they did not acknowledge slower riders, so now they cannot.

“In this hell, cyclists who felt they had to pass every rider they ever saw will never feel that warped sense of accomplishment again.

“In this hell, cyclists who didn’t look around and enjoy the world around them now have a monumentally uninteresting universe in which to ride. Forever.

“In this hell are the cyclists who, in life, chose to ride alone. Now they have no choice.

“But what about the headwind and the heat?” I asked. “What is the significance of those?”

“It’s hell, duh,” replied The Cyclist.

And then we were back at the junction. The signpost by the road we had just been on — the road to the left of the Laziness road — read Eternal Attackers.

“Ready to see another road?” asked The Cyclist.

“Could we pick this up another day instead?” I replied. “This whole thing’s kind of got me down.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” sympathized The Cyclist. “Let’s keep going.”

Fourth Circle

Up until this fourth circle, I had been pleasantly surprised at how nice the roads were in hell. This sensation now gave way to horror.

Chipseal. Brand spanking new chipseal. And there were cracks in it — cracks that seem like they had been specially constructed to be exactly the right width to grab onto your wheel and flip you over.

And there were potholes, too. And where there weren’t potholes, there were patched potholes, if “patched” can be applied to the way loose asphalt had been dumped and roughly stomped into the holes.

And it was so hot. As hot as . . . well, as hot as hell, to tell the truth.

But in spite of the heat, the shoulder was unusable, being completely covered with sand, salt and gravel, as if it had only recently been winter and the roads had not been cleared. There was clearly no way to ride there.

And then a sports car flew by, honking hard, with the driver yelling something at me.

This was followed by an SUV, the driver of which threw a bottle at me as he went by.

And don’t even get me started on the crosswind.

“So who is this hell for?” I asked. “It’s got to be the very worst sort of cyclist there is, because this is truly an awful place.”

“Actually,” answered The Cyclist, “This road is for cyclists who like to complain. The ones who tell anyone who will listen that the road sucks, that there are too many cars on the route, that the pavement surface is no good, that the pace is too hard (or too easy). The ones who ruin the ride for everyone else.”

“This place,” said my guide, “gives them something to complain about.”

At that moment, a large group of riders went by, each trying to talk over each other. Each endlessly bemoaning their fate.

“Surely,” I told my host, “this is the most awful cyclists’ hell of all.”

The Cyclist looked at me, and I knew his answer before he spoke it into my mind.

“Not even close.”

[To be concluded in Fatty's Inferno, Part V]

31 Comments

  1. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Fatty’s Inferno, Part III: Sloth, Etc. | 03.31.2011 | 1:13 pm

    [...] Fatty’s Inferno, Part II: Limbo Fatty’s Inferno, Part IV: Third and Fourth Circles [...]

  2. Comment by Z | 03.31.2011 | 1:28 pm

    Great job Fatty! Some things really are universal;)

  3. Comment by Bruuks | 03.31.2011 | 1:33 pm

    I feel encouraged as I approach tonight’s group ride as my first serious ride of the season, knowing that even though I’ll likely be dropped in the first 5 minutes, I’ll still enjoy the ride and couldn’t care less if I passed anyone or not.

  4. Comment by Grizzly Adam | 03.31.2011 | 1:33 pm

    “It’s hell, duh,”

    I laughed. Well played.

  5. Comment by NYCCarlos | 03.31.2011 | 1:41 pm

    no idea what chipseal is. anyone know?

    Basically, asphalt with gravel embedded and sticking out. Often used to repair roads. Very harsh surface for road riding. More here. – FC

  6. Comment by zach in a cubicle | 03.31.2011 | 2:07 pm

    Not as good as yesterday in building my internal hate for these people (or maybe not as close to home) but the dialoge between you and the cyclist is fun. So when does unintentional Cross come into play?

  7. Comment by HeidiR | 03.31.2011 | 2:19 pm

    Excellent! Can’t wait for tomorrow’s installment!

  8. Comment by Jeff | 03.31.2011 | 2:41 pm

    gotta say, Fatty – I’m lovin’ this series!

  9. Comment by Lesley Jacobs | 03.31.2011 | 2:44 pm

    Fatty you’re on fire! Not literally, but MAN, you’re nailing the inferno. I can’t wait for tomorrow! I’m finding myself wishing your child would illustrate this particular story!

  10. Comment by CBJ | 03.31.2011 | 3:03 pm

    Ahh, fresh chipseal and the heat… Nice to see that you got to ride through Central Illinois! I’ll remember this next time I even think about complaining this summer.

  11. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 03.31.2011 | 3:14 pm

    So I’m confused. We’ve been told this was a dream, the telling of which has taken days. Fatty must be the deepest sleeper known to man. As evidence of his awesomeness he can sleep and dream these long stretches while in a home of 5 kids, wife, and dog. http://www.fatcyclist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/img-1285.jpg
    I have only two young kids and ’sleep time’ is always at a premium.

  12. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 03.31.2011 | 3:17 pm

    better this way.

    So I’m confused. We’ve been told this was a dream, the telling of which has taken days. Fatty must be the deepest sleeper known to man. As evidence of his awesomeness he can sleep and dream these long stretches while in a home of 5 kids, wife, and dog. http://www.fatcyclist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/img-1285.jpg
    I have only two young kids and ’sleep time’ is always at a premium.

  13. Comment by aussie kev | 03.31.2011 | 3:27 pm

    I must live in hell !!!! – this describes Gladstone QLD perfectly !!!!

    “And there were potholes, too. And where there weren’t potholes, there were patched potholes, if “patched” can be applied to the way loose asphalt had been dumped and roughly stomped into the holes.

    And it was so hot. As hot as . . . well, as hot as hell, to tell the truth.”

  14. Comment by Hunter | 03.31.2011 | 3:47 pm

    Annnnnd now I have to wait all the way til tomorrow to finish reading! The suspense!

  15. Comment by daness40 | 03.31.2011 | 4:04 pm

    Well done, Fatty. Job well done.

  16. Comment by cbuffy | 03.31.2011 | 4:40 pm

    Basically, asphalt with gravel embedded and sticking out. Often used to repair roads. Very harsh surface for road riding. More here. – FC

    Oh, you mean the way almost ALL roads in my neighborhood are “paved”? The reason I gave up roller-blading. Made my eyes jiggle in my head. GREAT story Fatty!

  17. Comment by Abby | 03.31.2011 | 6:55 pm

    Loving this series – can’t wait until the next instalment….. :)

  18. Comment by Tom D | 03.31.2011 | 9:42 pm

    This is awesome.

  19. Comment by Kyle | 03.31.2011 | 10:03 pm

    This better not be a long run up to a “rollers suck” joke.
    Because I’m enjoying these.

  20. Comment by Easterday | 03.31.2011 | 10:31 pm

    I think I need to do more group rides!

  21. Comment by Jenn | 04.1.2011 | 12:35 am

    You are doing good in the world, Fatty. As I was getting ready to leave for my ride yesterday, I threw an extra CO2 cartridge in my seat bag because of the last post. No joke. Just because I don’t speak German, doesn’t mean I can’t help…CO2 pumps and cartridges are a universal language.

  22. Comment by Roscoe | 04.1.2011 | 1:14 am

    Hi Fatty,

    Its my birthday today and this is an AWESOME birthday present :) Love this new series! Oh and its not an April fools trick that its my birthday…I was just lucky :)

    I bought a brand new cleaning and maintenance kit for my bike too yesterday after reading about not fixing what you have! Something I’m extremly guilty of! Keep it up Fatty!

  23. Comment by bart (nl) | 04.1.2011 | 5:50 am

    great story ! feel like a kid again, waiting for the story to continue tomorrow.

  24. Comment by bart (nl) | 04.1.2011 | 5:54 am

    btw curious to find out if there are cobblestones in hell.

  25. Comment by Adventure Monkey | 04.1.2011 | 6:00 am

    Once again, I am left wanting more.

  26. Comment by MattC | 04.1.2011 | 7:43 am

    Ahhhh…this post makes me wonder if I complain (too much). Hmmmm….I know I gripe about the wind (a lot)…but that’s mostly cuz we have a LOT of wind here…my level of hell would be pretty bad I’m afraid…it would surely be a place with non-stop brutal winds that are NEVER a tailwind no matter which way you go. But at least I’d have tools and help others and such…and my bike is always in tip-top mechanical condition. Not that it’s any comfort in hell. Keep it going Fatty…just gets better and better! Happy April Fools day everybody!

  27. Comment by Sue | 04.1.2011 | 9:11 am

    Ah chipseal. Must be talking about Ohio. We love our chipseal routes with the extra layer of loose rock – esp up or down the occasional short but steep hill. On hot and humid days. With winds that shift. And dogs that chase. Bring on the warm weather!

  28. Comment by The Flyin' Ute | 04.1.2011 | 10:34 am

    Don’t conclude the series. Maybe suspend it if you have other things to blog about but it is too good to just end at a mere 6 posts.

    Don’t you love that word “Mere”?

    Carry on.

  29. Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Fatty’s Inferno, Part V: True Cyclists’ Hell…and Heaven | 04.1.2011 | 11:13 am

    [...] « Fatty’s Inferno, Part IV: Third and Fourth Circles [...]

  30. Comment by Will | 04.1.2011 | 12:22 pm

    If this isn’t the worst circle of hell then I know what the next level looks like. Cube farms with no time to ride! Right?

    [looks around office]

    Oh, wait…..NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

  31. Comment by evil3 | 04.13.2011 | 5:13 pm

    Those roads sound like what I get to drive in (big hills, but not very long. Some newly paved roads and some old and new chip-fill roads. Some filled pot holes (ok a lot depending on witch way I go, lol). So I would say I have good control over my bike bike because of the the roads (so in a way I would feel I was at home (although with out the cry babies). ^_^

 

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