I Just Heard From Levi Leipheimer’s Lawyer

09.12.2011 | 1:22 pm

Earlier today, I posted “An Open Appeal to Levi Leipheimer’s Sense of Decency.” Imagine my surprise when a couple hours later, I saw this in Twitter:


I assumed this “response,” if any, would be in the form of an email, or a comment in my blog. But then about half an hour later, Leipheimer tweeted this:


Exactly one minute later (suggesting these actions were coordinated), I got a knock at my door. I answered it, and I got served the following letter, which I was required to sign for.

(Scanned letter below, transcribed version follows):




And here’s the text of the letter:

Dear Mr. Fatty,

This law firm represents Levi Leipheimer and we have been directed by our esteemed client to write this letter to you. Many of your statements about Mr. Leipheimer in your blog postings are untrue, defamatory, and sufficiently vicious as to suggest you have a serious death wish. You made them maliciously to injure Mr. Leipheimer in his trade, office, and profession. As such, they are defamatory per se, and generally aggravating to the conduct of our client’s rarefied profession. Under the California Civil Code, Sections 44 through 48, this letter constitutes a demand for immediate retraction in writing of these false and libelous statements. Or else we make a little visit to Utah. And we bring the chihuahuas. Don’t pretend you don’t know exactly what we mean.

In accordance with the aforementioned statute, Mr. Leipheimer demands that your retraction and correction be accompanied by an editorial in which you specifically repudiate your libelous statements. Such an editorial better be sincere, you stinking rat, because we’re not asking again.

Your web postings and conduct also constitute tortious interference with the business and contractual relations of Mr. Leipheimer. As such, they are actionable and expose you to the imposition of compensatory as well as punitive damages. By damages, we’re referring to the propensity of smart-aleck bike-bloggers to fall down stairs and get hurt. Real hurt.

Below, we have noted some of the more patent, malicious, and libelous comments made by you on your blog. We are also in possession of sworn statements from Mr. Leipheimer’s “colleagues” regarding your general lousy, snake-belly no-goodness. Best we figure, some of these evidence your tortious interference as well. If Mr. Leipheimer is forced to file suit to stop your wrongful conduct, he will also seek an award of his attorney fees and litigation expenses, on top of a tooth or two, just to make sure the memory sticks.

1. In your posting of September 28, 2008 (http://goo.gl/WsXSg), you suggest that my client had a endorsement association with The Ultimate Cyclist Sports Hypnotism CD Series. This is completely fabricated and the further ancillary suggestion that my client was under the influence of a unique Spanish brand of this product during the 2008 Vuelta de Espana is deeply damaging. Your allegation that he was uncontrollably clucking like a chicken and mooing like a cow at a press conference indicates that someone needs to teach you the meaning of respect, you bastard.

2. In your posting of August 11, 2010 (http://goo.gl/p1GV), you condescendingly and with considerable sarcasm disparaged my client’s ability to successfully operate a mountain bike on a long-distance course at high altitude in Colorado. While my client assumed your sincerity and responded in kind, his reputation and ability to excel as a cyclist constituted mental anguish, hampering his performance that day. That said, he still nailed that race, set a course record yet to be broken, and was having a brandy by the fire when you drug your sorry keister across the line.

3. In your posting of October 7, 2010 (http://goo.gl/5m4ja), you are photographed licking a premier auction item that was to be sold at the stunning and exceptionally glamorous Levi’s GranFondo charity auction to benefit a variety of youth-based and cycling-forward beneficiaries. The Trek Madone in question was an actual Team Radioshack frame and fork that was rendered useless due to the corrosive effect of your reptilian saliva on carbon fiber. Should my office file suit, we will be seeking damages to cover this loss as well. We’ll skip snapping a pinky finger this time, since you clearly were raised in a cave by a pack of dogs who never taught you manners.

4. In your posting of October 10, 2010 (http://goo.gl/dSj2Y), you accused my client of bearing the responsibility of an unsightly divot in your forehead after his most amazing 2010 GranFondo cycling event. My client is a man of deep feeling and was quite hurt by this suggestion, especially when it’s clear that this was the result of your inability to install the helmet cam on your own big head.

5. In your Vimeo posting of September 8, 2011 (http://goo.gl/ZlE1F), in conversation with Andy FREAKING Hampsten, you suggested that my client goes around “punching people in the throat,” including Ibis Cycles founder Scot Nicol. While this is clearly a malicious allegation with no basis in reality, I will advise my client to punch you in the throat as soon as possible.

6. In your posting of September 12, 2011 (http://fatcy.cl/leviletter), you forgo all previous restraint and issue slanderous and libel speech in such volume as to render it unreferenceable in this limited space. Suffice it to say, my client is four-alarm pissed and you are about to enter a world of pain. Ask Jens. He knows.

While this is indeed the first actionable correspondence from our office to your attention, we fully expect you to repudiate the above statements in a sincere apology and editorial. The nature of the above statements satisfy the requirement of malicious speech under California Civil Code, Section 44 and 45, further adding to civil damages and criminal penalties Mr. Leipheimer and the State of California may seek against you.

My client is a stone cold honey badger and the idea that a mole like yourself would even stick his head up from his dank burrow only proves you just want to get whacked. As a guy who’s felt the “Leipheimer embrace,” I’d have thought you’d have more sense.

If you do not immediately publish the requested retraction, and cease and desist from tortious

interference and making false and malicious comments about Mr. Leipheimer, his officers, and his programs, we will file suit against you, for starters. Please govern yourself accordingly. Or we’ll do it for you, you putz.

Sincerely yours,

Frank “The Necktie” Ragano

cc: Levi Leipheimer, Scot Nicol

I’ve started my response to Misters Ragano and Leipheimer several times, but I just don’t know what to do. Should I give them what they want — a retraction and apology? Should I pretend that my original post was satirical and therefore protected by free speech? Should I tell Levi that I’ll be nice, but only if he gives me an awesome bribe?

I don’t know. But I expect I’ll have to reply soon. Any ideas on how I should handle this?


  1. Comment by Tom | 09.12.2011 | 1:30 pm

    Absolutely genius.
    Clearly either someone has collaborated, leaked your testimony, or the whole thing has been set-up (er.. d’uh?) but just brilliant.
    ‘Stone cold honey badger’ had me snorting my beetroot juice out across the computer.

  2. Comment by Vince | 09.12.2011 | 1:30 pm

    I think you should race him…on tricyles

  3. Comment by wade | 09.12.2011 | 1:31 pm

    Challenge him to a philanthropic throw-down of epic proportions. Something involving bikes, climbs, and honey. That should solve the issue once and for all.

  4. Comment by Jason | 09.12.2011 | 1:31 pm

    Hold your ground Fatty!

  5. Comment by Tom | 09.12.2011 | 1:33 pm

    As for legal advice… I think perhaps you should approach Mr Voigt for a corroborating witness statement as he too has been on the receiving end of Leipheimer’s flagrant noogying activities.

  6. Comment by Eric | 09.12.2011 | 1:34 pm

    I’m sitting here at my desk laughing uncontrollably while my co-workers what exactly I ate for lunch to cause such a change in character… I say counter-sue!

  7. Comment by Todd | 09.12.2011 | 1:36 pm

    Go for the bribe!

  8. Comment by bikemike | 09.12.2011 | 1:40 pm

    pfffft, he’s moving to quick step-pharma lotto-eddy merckx-waffles and farm frites team. his lawyers veiled threats are meaningless and such.

    i would, however, be on the lookout for the chihuahuas, those are vicious bug-eyed freaky little creatures, that will, at the very least, create nightmares.

  9. Comment by Aaronthestrong | 09.12.2011 | 1:40 pm

    Wow, I’ve not known lawyers to typically make many physical threats. That is a little sketchy there FC. I’m not sure I would take this all that seriously. I’m sure you have a fan or two with legal experience that might be able to help. I’m pretty sure that physical threats are just as punishable as “libel”.

  10. Comment by Billy M | 09.12.2011 | 1:47 pm

    I find that flaming bags of dog doo left on a porch a la Billy Madison are usually an appropriate response in these situations.

  11. Comment by AngieG | 09.12.2011 | 1:48 pm

    You better take this seriously Fatty!! Leipheimer means business. I tried to tell him I might not have time to help at the Fondo this year. No sooner did the words come from my lips then I was approached by two very large men in very shiny suits offering to help me clear my schedule… Tony Soprano style!!!

    Suffice it to say my schedule is cleared and I fully understand my priorities.

    Fondo registration will go off without a hitch. In the event it doesn’t, keep that envelope I sent you in a very safe place. You may have to act on the instructions included.

  12. Comment by Biene-Munich | 09.12.2011 | 1:50 pm

    I’m all for a soap box derby!

  13. Comment by NatalieB | 09.12.2011 | 1:52 pm

    That whole letter had me cracking up. They can’t be serious. Stand your ground!

  14. Comment by MOCougFan | 09.12.2011 | 1:56 pm

    Classic FC. Awesome.

    You better start wearing a neck brace.

  15. Comment by SurlyCommuter | 09.12.2011 | 1:56 pm

    Epic Post
    Epic Response
    Honey Badgers are not to be trifled with, neither are chihuahua’s. Fighting fire with fire will only bring Jens Voigt to your home “SHUT UP LEGS!” I advise you to quickly, quietly, acquiesce to his request!

  16. Comment by Eric | 09.12.2011 | 2:03 pm

    He’s 112 lbs soaking wet – take him outside and settle it like men (or at least as manly as men can be who wear lycra and shave their legs!!)

  17. Comment by ryan | 09.12.2011 | 2:11 pm

    Hot dog eating contest… Need I say more.

  18. Comment by Susie H | 09.12.2011 | 2:16 pm

    awesome bribes are good…=)

  19. Comment by aussie kev | 09.12.2011 | 2:20 pm

    “stone cold honey badger” when Twin Six make tee shirsts with that on i will buy them !!!. better than Dr L’s quote !!

  20. Comment by 3d brian | 09.12.2011 | 2:23 pm

    My favorite cyclist was Chris Horner until today. I now seriously doubt that anyone will ever surpass Levi.

    Hold your ground Fatty. He is clearly very scared of you. Take him down!

    Besides the stone cold honey badger clearly has severe anger management issues – how will he ever get help if you stand down? Just wear your helmet at all times in case you fall down some stairs.

    p.s. That crack about Leadville – ouch!

  21. Comment by Tes | 09.12.2011 | 2:32 pm

    The blog, the tweets, the timely delivered letter. Epic. Genius.

  22. Comment by Eric P | 09.12.2011 | 2:40 pm

    Since Levi threatening to go all medieval on you, I think (as others have suggested) that the truly medieval solution of a trial by ordeal is the only answer. Loser apologizes; winner gloats. A tricycle race to raise money for the charity of the winner’s choice has much appeal, as does an eating contest, a staring contest or even (with apologies) a contest to see whose head is more reflective. I am sure your lawyer and Mr. Ragano can hash out the appropriate contest.

  23. Comment by roan | 09.12.2011 | 2:47 pm

    Dear Fatty, I would like to step up to the plate in your defense BUT Mr. Leipheimer’s agents (each with a chihuahua in hand whose stare put me in a hypnotic state) made me swear on my Matt Dillon belt buckle to testify against you in court. Then they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. To save me from your snake-belly no goodness tactics they would ship me to next year’s TdF in a bike box where I could live out my remaining years in a cave in Southern France under their witness protection program.
    To get their point across they shot my above mentioned belt buckle full of Lead(ville) so I could never swear on it again.

  24. Comment by Heidi | 09.12.2011 | 2:54 pm

    I think you need to hire the Car Talk guys’ lawyers, Dewey, Cheetam & Howe.

  25. Comment by Jenn | 09.12.2011 | 3:10 pm

    Dude has a Paris Hilton dog, and prolly a purse to carry it in. You can take him. Stand your ground! Also, I stand by my previous assertion that you are nuts, and add to it that it appears you are contagious in that regard.

  26. Comment by Nathan | 09.12.2011 | 3:13 pm

    Reply that you will not be apologizing, and that if they continue with any further legal action, you will both counter-sue and seek criminal charges for their death threats. After all they, they implied they’re going to “whack” you – mob speak for murder – and said things like “Don’t pretend you don’t know exactly what we mean.” A case against them for threats of physical harm is even stronger than any case they have against your satire.

    It’s playing their game on their terms in a way where they will lose miserably and look bad doing it.

  27. Comment by zachinacubicle | 09.12.2011 | 3:14 pm

    Totally wrong…. but send him a steak, and tell him it is a gift…. works everytime when Contador gets mad at me…

  28. Comment by Trailer Park Cyclist | 09.12.2011 | 3:14 pm

    Obviously phony. Just look at the letterhead: a lawyer named Goodman?

  29. Comment by Nancy S | 09.12.2011 | 3:16 pm

    Now Twin Six needs to create TWO t-shirts that are Levi and FC connected:
    >Box Turtle (from Paul Guyot’s video documentation of visit with Levi)
    >Stone Cold Honey Badger

    I would buy them both in multiples for all my friends.

  30. Comment by Yannb | 09.12.2011 | 3:17 pm

    Love the chihuahua threat. Good laugh out of this post.

  31. Comment by Poobah | 09.12.2011 | 3:24 pm


    My first thought was to challenge him to a hair-growing contest but I think you’re both handicapped there.

    I’ll be at the Fondo as well. I got your back if he tries anything. And chihuahuas don’t scare me. Hairless cats however……

  32. Comment by Dunc | 09.12.2011 | 3:26 pm

    “reptilian saliva on carbon fiber”.

    This is awesome. What’s the name of that program you can go into where you are relocated under another name etc. (Might be an option?) Be careful Fatty! Gulp.

  33. Comment by ericdano | 09.12.2011 | 3:34 pm

    I suggest leaving a decapitated bicycle at the end of his bed so he gets your message.

  34. Comment by Tom | 09.12.2011 | 3:34 pm

    I say you wrestle in a 15′ diameter pool of cooking oil. Full lycra of course. It would be like watching two bowling balls in a centrifuge. Great way to kick off the Gran Fondo. Loser has to stay greased up for the ride.

  35. Comment by Joe | 09.12.2011 | 3:40 pm

    112 pounds of Genius. Mob lawyers, rabid animals, personal insults and thinly veiled threats… Forget cycling Levi get into politics.

  36. Comment by ArtieFufkin | 09.12.2011 | 3:56 pm

    The best way to settle legal disputes is mediation (which a judge once told me is “making both sides equally unhappy”). Hence, the suggested tricycle race will be perfect. Regardless of winning, you will both be humiliated as your knees whack the handle bars at a blazing 1 mph. Do it for charity, I’d buy tickets!

  37. Comment by LeMyke | 09.12.2011 | 4:05 pm

    You should apologize, QUICK! Don’t forget about Odessa Gunn. She’s the one that really controls the killer Chihuahuas. I think even Levi is afraid of her.

  38. Comment by Peddler 54 | 09.12.2011 | 4:06 pm

    I think the feds are completely behind this type of legal jargon and have grand jury information upon which they base it..

  39. Comment by JL | 09.12.2011 | 4:18 pm

    While I currently live in sleepy little Alpine Utah, I used to live in New York. Let’s just say I know a guy who could, you know, help with this sort of thing.

  40. Comment by Haven-KT | 09.12.2011 | 4:19 pm

    My advice (and worth what you paid for it) is to wrap yourself in a big ol’ American flag and tell ‘em it’s all First Amendment protected speech and you’ll borrow dug’s dog to take care of their chihuahuas.

    Don’t back down– the fate of all satirical bloggers depends on you!

  41. Comment by Perry | 09.12.2011 | 4:39 pm

    The Lord says He can get me out of this mess, but He’s pretty sure you’re f@#&ed.

  42. Comment by rabidrunner | 09.12.2011 | 4:53 pm

    I say call his bluff. Do nothing and see if he decides to “make a little visit to Utah.” I’ll be your bodyguard of course, I’m super duper good with chihuahuas.

  43. Comment by marc | 09.12.2011 | 5:01 pm

    I think that Mr. Ragano made a critical error and tipped the weakness of his hand in the very end. A comparison was made that equated you with a mole that was to be “whacked” If he was as astute as he professes to be, he would know that only you have The Hammer!

  44. Comment by Doug (way upstate NY) | 09.12.2011 | 5:06 pm

    Ordinarily dueling pistols at 20 yards would be called for. BUT I think a tricycle race for charity is a perfect solution.

  45. Comment by Days | 09.12.2011 | 5:12 pm

    what would BSNC do?

  46. Comment by Wife#1 | 09.12.2011 | 5:19 pm

    I am laughing to f-ing hard to work now. On behalf of my boss and team, thanks a lot!

    @Marc… The Hammer a’la whack a mole was genius.

    Fatty, I say you challenge Levi to ride 100 yards against Bucky without starting at 1 or 2 – let’s see how tough he is then!

    That said, if it comes down a fight between you two wee, little things, I am pretty sure Levi will kick your non-fat booty. He may be 112# dropping wet, but any straight man who has a chihuahua as a pet, has some serious huevos. Be very afraid.

    And for god’s sake, will someone please get Levi a real dog?

  47. Comment by onofrio | 09.12.2011 | 5:49 pm

    Given your recent success at Leadville I should think with a little training you could subdue his skinny, little cycling ass. Let’s face it, any man known to associate with little doggies can’t really call himself a man – let alone a Montanan. And believe me, being from Montana I take no pleasure in dissing a fellow Montanan. (Must be what happens when you move to California.) Let’s not waste an opportunity for entertainment and fund raising. I suggest mud wrestling, or the like, for charity. I know I would pay good money to see Levi eat a little mud!

  48. Comment by Carl | 09.12.2011 | 5:52 pm

    Send Levi a dead fish wrapper in newspaper.

  49. Comment by JodieA | 09.12.2011 | 6:05 pm

    I would make some kind of disparaging comment here, but I’m afraid I might also get whacked or attacked by chihuahuas. Maybe a rumble between a bunch of Fattys and followers of Levi (if he can find enough) would settle this. That would be quite entertaining.

  50. Comment by Susan Helene Gottfried | 09.12.2011 | 6:13 pm

    Clearly, this is being done because Levi is too cheap (or too late) to buy his own Fat Cyclist gear.

    I say go for the tricycle race, with the winner getting the custom-made Fat Cyclist gear.

  51. Comment by KanyonKris | 09.12.2011 | 6:31 pm

    Settle it with arm wrestling. Or flat fixing. Or making the most delicious guacamole.

  52. Comment by Laura Maitrejean | 09.12.2011 | 6:32 pm

    I think your “lawyers” need to write Levi’s “lawyers” a letter in reply.

    I like the idea of settling things through some form of competition, instead of legal action . . . maybe arm wrestling. He has little arms. I think you stand a good chance of winning that one.

  53. Comment by stugi79 | 09.12.2011 | 6:47 pm

    If you’re not willing to take the bribe, i’ll take it for you.

  54. Comment by bykjunkie | 09.12.2011 | 6:51 pm

    I’m with Vince, Race Levi on TRICYCLES!!!

  55. Comment by Merle | 09.12.2011 | 7:30 pm

    I like the idea of settling with a competition too. But maybe something like an eating competition, FATTY.

  56. Comment by Mrsesq55 | 09.12.2011 | 7:31 pm

    OMG this is hilarious. I will be happy to sit my fat ass on Mr. Leipheimer. He will be begging for mercy in 30 seconds.

  57. Comment by Dillon Bikes | 09.12.2011 | 7:42 pm

    Hilarious! Better get a good lawyer! LOL

  58. Comment by Eddie Arguelles | 09.12.2011 | 7:47 pm

    You should contact PETA!! That poor dog looks terrified! LMAO.. Brilliant!!!

  59. Comment by www | 09.12.2011 | 8:11 pm

    Maybe you could find (photoshop) more evidence to prove your case.

  60. Comment by Arlin | 09.12.2011 | 8:32 pm

    Everyone boycott Levi’s Gran Fondo!!! Don’t let that little pencil-armed weasel get away with this kind of behavior!!!

  61. Comment by Scott R | 09.12.2011 | 9:13 pm

    As your lawyer, I advise you to back away… slowly.

  62. Comment by stuckinmypedals | 09.12.2011 | 9:27 pm

    Yes, it must be settled in a trike race. @AngieG can make all the arrangements at Gran Fondo, right? Thanks for the laughs today, Fatty!

  63. Comment by BobC | 09.12.2011 | 9:42 pm

    I am shocked and dismayed to see the deplorable depths to which this obscenely obscure wing of the wannabe cycling community has stooped.

    Let’s see if I have the facts right:

    - Rich Skinny Boy wails on Ponderous Fat Man, skins his nuckles on the Ponderous Fat Man’s knoggin.
    - Ponderous Fat Man starts sinister smear campaign instead of gathering DNA evidence from his own skull.
    - Rich Skinny Boy, lacking a legal beagle, calls in his regal illegal eagle to growl and snap at the Ponderous Fat Man.

    And then the Ponderous Fat Man asks *US* what he should do?

    I say go shiwawa shopping. Wow, I mean chihuahua chopping. No, I mean “chihuahua shopping”!

  64. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.12.2011 | 10:31 pm

    You’ve been a very busy boy, and it’s only day one.

    First suggestion–Ask Bucky what to do.
    Second Suggestion – Stay out of court. It’s not a good look for you and your track record is spotty.

    Did you keep the card for your Court appointed attorney?

    “Anyways, our attorney said he got an email about this case yesterday and ran around the whole office, showing it to everyone. They all thought it was the most hilarious thing they had ever seen. He really really really wanted us to go with “not guilty,” so he could take it to trial. But yeah, we’d have to come back for another day in the courtroom. Saying “No Contest” meant we could pay the fine and be done with it.”

    Third suggestion- see suggestion #1

  65. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.12.2011 | 10:34 pm

    Oh! and please, no more contests. Still can’t win a pair of Chris Horner socks for Wife #1.

  66. Comment by Jeremy | 09.12.2011 | 11:38 pm

    Even had my wife laughing hysterically at this one. Had I been drinking anything, I would be down a computer right about now.

  67. Comment by Cookster | 09.13.2011 | 2:51 am

    “Them thar sound like fightin words”.
    If all else fails I live OS and have a spare room for you and The Hammer to hide out in.

  68. Comment by bart | 09.13.2011 | 3:00 am

    do what any accused cyclist does : deny ! deny ! deny !

  69. Comment by Chris | 09.13.2011 | 5:35 am

    “Suffice it to say, my client is four-alarm pissed and you are about to enter a world of pain. Ask Jens. He knows.”

    Funniest thing I’ve read in awhile.

  70. Comment by Jenni | 09.13.2011 | 5:58 am

    Stone cold honey badge FTW

    Welcome back!

  71. Comment by mtnbikechk | 09.13.2011 | 6:00 am

    Ok, totally plead not guilty., then challenge Mr “Stone cold Honey Badger” to a contest to determine who’s guilty and who’s not. All the proceeds could go to Livestrong. Hilarious post Fatty…

  72. Comment by rjb | 09.13.2011 | 6:22 am

    Definitely need to have a donut-eating contest to settle this.

  73. Comment by Tips | 09.13.2011 | 6:36 am

    As if, as if, you’d allow your free speech rights be trampled by that voracious chihuahua in honey badgers clothing and his John-Grisham’s-The-Firm-style stereotypically dangerous lawyers.
    Oh no, you’ll stand tall on this one fatty, stand for principle and for bloggers everywhere – and if you end up locked in a death roll with leipheimer hench-people then do as I do and squeal to your lady for help.

  74. Comment by Jesse | 09.13.2011 | 7:30 am

    How did I miss this yesterday?!? I’m laughing so hard I almost wet my pants. Levi is awesome!

    I also vote for the tricycle race. But make it a tricycle tour de donut. He won’t stand a chance!!

  75. Comment by Owen | 09.13.2011 | 7:57 am

    you two need to enter Leadville and ride a tandem together and work this out over the 100 miles

  76. Comment by mike | 09.13.2011 | 8:00 am

    I love your site, but this “joke” is just a waste of time. It got old yesterday when I finally realized the original post was in jest, but today’s “lawyer” letter is simply over the top.

    Please go back to bike stories and true personal stories.

  77. Comment by mike | 09.13.2011 | 8:02 am

    ps. we get this stuff (I forced myself not to type tripe) instead of magnificent tales from your recent adventures in France?

    Hmm … maybe that trip was a figment just like this controversy?

    :-) :-) :-)

  78. Comment by The Wheel | 09.13.2011 | 8:09 am

    I think my fan-dom of Levi just went way up. What a great response. As a lawyer, I may need to borrow some of this letter at some point, especially the line about falling down the stairs and getting real hurt.

  79. Comment by JDJ | 09.13.2011 | 8:14 am

    Truly amazing how Levi manages to keep the veneer of friendliness, true sportsmanship and humility on with letters like this. Fatty, thanks for blowing the lid off of this LIE.

    Seriously though, EPIC Rochambeaux tournament (Traditional, or “South Park” style). That should settle things.

  80. Comment by Steve Courtright | 09.13.2011 | 8:48 am

    The truth is an absolute defense, Fatty. You know what you have to do…

  81. Comment by Joe in San Diego | 09.13.2011 | 9:20 am

    Just run and hide. I saw all the Godfather movies, Goodfellas, and The Firm. You haven’t got a chance against these guys. Either that, or, when riding the Gran Fondo, do what the Italians did – stick a frame pump through his spokes.

    Does anyone even carry frame pumps anymore?

  82. Comment by MikeL | 09.13.2011 | 9:34 am

    Great posts.
    I do have some Uncles who are experienced in this type of mediation, seriously, if you would care to avail yourself of their services. They are all from out of town.

  83. Comment by Fat Cathy | 09.13.2011 | 9:39 am

    I laughed so hard I cried. “corrosive effect of your reptilian saliva on carbon fiber” was genius.

    You are gonna have a hard time topping this one, fatty.

  84. Comment by leroy | 09.13.2011 | 9:56 am

    My dog, who seems to know a lot about this sort of thing, advises that you don’t have to worry unless he threatens that you’ll be “sleeping with the chihuahuas.”

  85. Comment by Keenedge | 09.13.2011 | 10:10 am

    Just Classic!! If this is what that shiny melon of yours comes up with after a vacation, You sir must travel more!Kudos to Levi and his legal team. I just knew that his smile was really a mask. I suggest shinanagins at Fondo but you should really take him on somewhere on your turf. Make it an event.Besides as my Sicilian family will tell you it’s easier to hide the bodies when only you know the hiding spots.

  86. Comment by Geo | 09.13.2011 | 10:22 am

    Sic Bucky on him. Levi will never know what hit him. (and it’s pretty obvious Bucky would win in a sprint race)

  87. Comment by NYCCarlos | 09.13.2011 | 10:53 am

    pure comedic gold: My client is a stone cold honey badger and the idea that a mole like yourself would even stick his head up from his dank burrow only proves you just want to get whacked.

  88. Comment by eclecticdeb | 09.13.2011 | 11:10 am

    @Mike, it seems you are OVERWHELMINGLY in the minority (have you never seen his “Fake News” posts?). Personally I LOVE the fact that Fatty can engage with professional cyclists in a way that shows their personality and humor. I will never have a personal relationship with these folks, and I appreciate being able to live vicariously through Fatty and his blog.

  89. Comment by jesse | 09.13.2011 | 11:33 am

    Send levi and plastic horse head – he’ll get the idea.

  90. Comment by mike | 09.13.2011 | 11:33 am


    Yes, I noticed that, but it was too late at that point. I do feel like I’m raining on a parade, but hey, we all make mistakes.

    I’m reminded … if you have nothing nice to say :-)

  91. Comment by mike | 09.13.2011 | 11:34 am

    The point of the last remark was aimed at myself, lest there be any confusion.

  92. Comment by Dave | 09.13.2011 | 12:02 pm

    Take the bribe

  93. Comment by lowco2 | 09.13.2011 | 12:26 pm

    I think you need to give this lawyer a noogie.

  94. Comment by Weiland | 09.13.2011 | 12:26 pm

    Create a Web site, http://www.letfattywrite.com and start selling buttons: “Let Fatty Write!” to fund your defense.

  95. Comment by Trailer Park Cyclist | 09.13.2011 | 12:33 pm

    Hey Mike: I went to your site to see what kind of parade- rainer you were and saw some really cool pictures of butterflies. You can’t be all bad. For some really stone cold honey badger serious cycle writing drop by the Park.

    And Fatty, you still owe me a jersey. I think. I can’t remember. I’ll call my lawyer and see if he remembers.

  96. Comment by mazin | 09.13.2011 | 1:29 pm

    Visit the best bicycle store online where you will find the best bicycles at the best cheapest prices!

  97. Comment by RandoBoy | 09.13.2011 | 2:07 pm

    Feign death. Works every time.

  98. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.13.2011 | 2:16 pm

    Be nice Elden. We still need Levi to let us have space for a tent at the Gran Fondo. I’m planning to bring Avocados this time….and chips.

  99. Comment by eclecticdeb | 09.13.2011 | 2:18 pm

    @Mike — you’re cool. :-)

  100. Comment by Actionbent04 | 09.13.2011 | 7:09 pm

    It’s starting to turn to Fall up here in Canada if you need a place to retreat to.
    I don’t think we have an extradition order to the USA do we?
    Tricycles at High Noon.
    Need a team member to ride leadout for you? I’m your man.

    Way to much fun


  101. Comment by Arnaud Bachelard | 09.14.2011 | 2:05 am

    Before, racers just needed a bike. Now they need doctors, pharmacy and lawyers.

  102. Comment by Buy cycling jerseys | 09.15.2011 | 6:09 am

    You know you are doing the right thing – when you get served by lawyers

    Keep up the great work! :-)

  103. Comment by Cassave | 09.15.2011 | 7:04 pm

    Fight him.
    But forget bikes or lawyers.
    Challenge him to a little half court b-ball.


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