News Flash! Sweeping Allegations Made Against Cycling Organizations and Individuals

01.9.2012 | 7:01 am

Beehive Nursing Home, Salt Lake City (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – The cycling world was rocked today when a sweeping, all-encompassing lawsuit was lodged against every cycling body in the world. Further, every single individual cyclist — both road and mountain, with the exception of dedicated single speeders — was also named in the the suit, making this the widest-ranging, most comprehensive, and freakishly thorough suits ever lodged.

Said Derek J Vanderwood, lead attorney for the plaintiffs, “Our clients have extensive resources, long memories, and — frankly — plenty of time to pursue this case.”

“Besides,” said Vanderwood, “I find it completely impossible to say ‘no’ to them.”

The Case

According to spokesperson Lisa “The Hammer” Nelson, a local grandmother and well-known hardcore cyclist who could basically kick your trash from here to Albuquerque, “We, the grandmothers of the world, are sick to death of the lowest gear on bicycles being called ‘the granny gear.’ We find the stereotype insulting, not to mention inaccurate.”

Continued the grandmother to one, “You think I got my nickname by using the small ring? Join me for a quick hundred-mile ride sometime, road or dirt. Flats or mountains. We’ll see who goes to the small ring first.”

Then, noting the averted eyes and apologetic mumbling of the assembled press corp, Nelson said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Come here and let me give you a hug.”

A grandmother protesting the usage of the term “granny gear,” as well as the general boniness of many cyclists.

Kellene Mortensen, grandmother and multiple-time finisher of the weeklong “Ride the Rockies” ride, famous for its grueling multi-mountain-pass stages, added, “I usually ride with women my age because the men can’t keep up. How about calling it the ‘grandpa gear?’”

Alternate Names Considered

Gary Holcombe, assistant attorney on the case, said that in addition to damages, the lawsuit against all agencies, companies and cyclists who have used — and especially those who continue to use — the term “granny gear,” will henceforth be required to use one of the following alternate terms:

  • Easy gear
  • Old man gear
  • Gear formerly known as granny

“Or,” said Grandma Hammer, “you could give it an adorable pet name, like ‘The Fatty Gear.’”

Cycling Industry Responds

Cycling industry representatives were uncharacteristically available and willing to respond to this suit. “Let me be the first to apologize,” said Chuck Ibis. “I would never intentionally hurt a grandma’s feelings. I’ll never do it again, Grandma.”

“Also,” continued Ibis, “I really like those socks you knitted me for Christmas, and I wear them every single day.”

Added beloved and award-winning cycling blogger Elden ‘Fatty’ Nelson, “My mom’s a grandma like a million times over at this point. I would never hurt her feelings. Sorry, mom. I’ll never call say ‘granny gear’ again.”

“Oh,” continued Fatty, “And also The Hammer’s a grandma. Holy smokes, that cracks me up every time I say it.”

Fatty then began laughing convulsively for approximately ninety seconds, then tried his darnedest to put on a sober face and said, “Sorry, Lisa.”

Laird Knight, owner of the endurance race promotion company formerly known as “Granny Gear Productions,” best known for its 24 Hours of Moab event, likewise issued an apology. “For years, our signature race has been in decline. It has recently come to light that this is quite likely due to grandmothers across the United States offering oblique statements of disapproval of our name, saying things like, ‘Oh, are you really sure that doing that race is such a good idea?’”

“To all grandmothers, I offer my sincere apologies and the assurance that neither I nor anyone in my employ shall ever use the term ‘granny gear’ ever again. Now please, tell your grandkids it’s OK to come race again. I’m begging here.”

Upon hearing the virtual stampede of cycling luminaries falling over themselves to apologize and reingratiate themselves with their grandmothers, Margaret Abernathy, a grandmother and track cyclist from Ohio, responded on behalf of other grandmothers. “Oh, it’s fine, really,” said Abernathy. “Don’t make such a fuss.”

Concluded Abernathy, “Why don’t you all come over this weekend? I made applesauce.”


  1. Comment by Fat Cathy | 01.9.2012 | 7:18 am

    Fatty, you need to watch yourself. Karma will bite you when you become a grandpa. Which will no doubt happen much faster than you think!

    Congrats on becoming a granny, Lisa!

  2. Comment by nh_joe | 01.9.2012 | 9:00 am

    I am officially switching to the term “Fatty Gear.”

  3. Comment by Clancy | 01.9.2012 | 9:01 am

    ^^^ What Cathy Said! (Also, I lobe hoe REAL news was actually included in the ‘fake’ news!!)

  4. Comment by Clancy | 01.9.2012 | 9:02 am

    ‘love’ ‘how’ (sorry – my proof-reader was eating a cupcake)

  5. Comment by Diane | 01.9.2012 | 9:11 am

    Congratulations Lisa!!

  6. Comment by TK | 01.9.2012 | 9:38 am

    That has to be the best (and most entertaining) way to break the news of being a grandparent ever! Kudos to you, Fatty…and congrats to The Granny Hammer!

  7. Comment by Brian in VA | 01.9.2012 | 9:39 am

    Congratulations and thanks for the morning laugh! I’d like to point out that I’ve never called it that, preferring the term “just before walking gear.”

  8. Comment by Joe in San Diego | 01.9.2012 | 9:45 am

    A few comments:

    Congrats, Lisa. I call it “The Knee-Saver Gear”. I don’t have one and my knees hurt going up hills.

    Fatty, the book was great. I read it during my gym workouts. People kept giving me weird looks when I chortled on the elliptical.

    And, really. If you are going to leave the weight loss chart on the right hand side of the blog, you better start adding the current poundage. Didn’t I see in a recent post you are crashing back over 170?

  9. Comment by Justin L. | 01.9.2012 | 9:48 am

    Fatty gear, hahahaha………

  10. Comment by roan | 01.9.2012 | 9:51 am

    Hummmm…what’s the smallest size that T6 offers in kits, bibs of course.
    “…adorable pet name like ‘The Fatty Gear’”
    Hummm the implied meaning “adorable pet” is that maybe they are feeding you too much and Elden I hope they run your bowl through the dishwasher now & then.

    AND honestly Lisa, after reading this post for more times than I have gears on my bike, I don’t know if The Fat Cyclist is pulling our collective legs on this one. So to be safe, congrats to all.
    In the near future I can’t wait for Fatty to become grandpa…opens the door for a fatcyclist naming contest. Maybe even twin bikes give away.

  11. Comment by Geoffrey | 01.9.2012 | 9:59 am

    I understand this case has opened up the floodgates: granny shot in basketball, granny style in bowling, granny undies. Besides, I assumed the granny gear wasn’t the easy gear, but rather the gear that loved me unconditionally and made me feel better about myself. I will now call it the GOLR, or gear of last resort, rhymes with roller.

  12. Comment by Allen | 01.9.2012 | 10:18 am

    In a similar vain ….

  13. Comment by Fat Elvis | 01.9.2012 | 10:58 am

    how about rhino-gear for all the clydes and athenas out there…

  14. Comment by Onomastic | 01.9.2012 | 11:30 am

    Myself, I call it the Oh Crap gear. Because that’s what I inevitably say when I try to shift down from there and realize there’s nowhere left to go.

    Some also use that term the first time they have the title of Grandma or Grandpa attached to their name.

  15. Comment by TimD | 01.9.2012 | 12:24 pm


    We call it “International Rescue” cos we usually needed it on the tandem on big climbs in France.
    Jayne – “Calling International Rescue, calling International Rescue”

    Me – “FAB” and a drop to the small ring

  16. Comment by Gabi | 01.9.2012 | 12:29 pm

    love the “fatty gear”, congrats to the Hammer!

  17. Comment by Kukui | 01.9.2012 | 12:35 pm

    Congratulations, Lisa!!! =)

  18. Comment by Sara | 01.9.2012 | 12:40 pm

    Congrats to Lisa! :)

  19. Comment by FliesOnly | 01.9.2012 | 1:31 pm

    Congrats, Lisa.

    However, now I feel terrible for saying things like: “I just dropped into Granny”, or “I hate that stupid granny!”, or worst of all…”I’ve worn out my granny”.

    Thanks, Fatty, I guess now I’m simply going to have to remove my “smallest chain ring” when I get home…what choice do I have?

  20. Comment by Matt | 01.9.2012 | 1:33 pm

    I formally propose that the Hammer temporarily be given the moniker “Grammer,” in celebration of the occasion. I don’t know what to call Fatty…
    Oh, also, congratulations. :)

  21. Comment by Gumby | 01.9.2012 | 1:51 pm

    If we call her Grammer, we’ll have to call him Fatter…

  22. Comment by Head Smacker | 01.9.2012 | 1:56 pm

    I love my formerly-known-as Granny Gear (insert symbol here). LOVE it. I treat it with affection and I talk to it sweetly. Alas, it only resides on my mountain bike. I curse the lack of said formerly-known-as Granny Gear on my road bike when I’m lugging my rump up a lengthy climb.

    Congrats on becoming a grandma, Lisa!

  23. Comment by fatty Andrew | 01.9.2012 | 2:58 pm

    Wait, is this really a serious lawsuit. Man, i wish i had the time and resources to waste on something as redundant as this. sorry for the big opinion, but, stuff like this really gets to me when there are so many larger issues in this world or more specifically this sport to fight. Hey, but i do love the blog! Cheers everyone, im going to keep on calling it the “granny gear.”

  24. Comment by lo-phat | 01.9.2012 | 4:08 pm

    Climbing cassette, climbing gear. Seems easy to me.

    And I have both…

  25. Comment by Liz | 01.9.2012 | 4:25 pm

    For the record, my mother, a seventy-something grandmother, rides a single speed bike.

  26. Comment by leroy | 01.9.2012 | 4:35 pm


    Now about that lawsuit for underheight (as opposed to overweight) riders challenging the compact gear industry….

  27. Comment by Yukirin Boy | 01.9.2012 | 4:37 pm

    Congratulations Lisa.

  28. Comment by Poobah | 01.9.2012 | 5:05 pm

    The Hammer is too hawt and bad-ass to be a granny. Although Gramma Hamma’ has a nice ring to it.

  29. Comment by Susan | 01.9.2012 | 5:07 pm

    Lisa, congratulations; but please remind Fatty, since he is your husband he is also a step-grandpa or to make it even easier a real grandpa, too! It doesn’t stop when there are blended families. Just thought I’d point that one out, Fatty. From a grandmother who loves it. It really is the best part of parenthood!

  30. Comment by Debi | 01.9.2012 | 7:24 pm

    Tell Lisa, congratulations on your grandmother status. Fatty as always, a great blog. You always crack me up. I have to admit I like the Fatty Gear; it saves my knees and helps this chunky butt get up hills. A long time ago, I thought about naming my blog Fat Chick after Fat Cyclist and Fit Chick, but didn’t want to confuse anyone. ;-)

  31. Comment by Debi | 01.9.2012 | 7:26 pm

    Oops, her grandmother status . . . I don’t think you’ll ever qualify for that status.

  32. Comment by Linda Klein | 01.9.2012 | 10:54 pm

    I call it MEG, More Efficient Gear. Congrats Hammer!

  33. Comment by davidh-marinca | 01.9.2012 | 11:37 pm

    Is it just me, or didn’t we see a picture of The Hammer and her two sons in the past. And in that picture a while back the son, who was not the IT Guy, had a little toddler with him (my old brain thinks). So, the Hammer/Runner, has been a Grammer/Gunner for a while…I think.(???)

    So it’s kinda cool…Lisa can be celebrated on Mother’s Day in May, and again on September 9th, 2012….(National Grandparent’s Day).

    Fatty, I hope you have all these dates ‘bookmarked’ somewhere. You know what happens when you miss a special day.

  34. Comment by Nursing Services | 01.10.2012 | 8:55 am

    What is wrong with being thin and in shape? Most bike riders are fit and eat healthy. I don’t see anything wrong with this?

  35. Comment by Hautacam | 01.10.2012 | 12:48 pm

    Here in the 206 area code I’ve heard it called the “bailout gear” because it will bail you out if (when) you suddenly find yourself face to face with a quarter mile or more of glacially carved 15% grade. Or if you like to ride up the Queen Anne counterbalance from time to time.

    I shall henceforth call it the bailout gear. Which is appropriate, because that’s what grannies do!

    Congrats to the Hammer!

  36. Comment by AngieG | 01.10.2012 | 2:21 pm

    As a true Fat Cyclist I call it the,” I kicked your a$$ up the climb and didn’t have to walk” gear. This came affectionately to me as I was climbing Mecalf at livestrong San Jose passing all these awesome folks that didn’t have the right gearing and had to walk.

    It sure felt good to know embracing physics has disctinct advantages. That said, the little ring really helps eliminate gravity. I say we call it the Newton Gear. :-)

  37. Comment by Scoop | 01.11.2012 | 11:03 pm

    I love these ladies! Seriously! They rock.

    Eat a cookie– you look like a stick figure.


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