Fuzz Martin’s 100 Miles of Nowhere

06.6.2012 | 7:59 am

The 100 Miles of Nowhere was my first-ever attempt at completing a century ride. I am proud to say that not only did I complete the ride, but I also set some other personal records:

Most Laundry Per Mile
While I have spent many hours in my basement putting miles on my CycleOps Fluid Pro trainer, I usually have only been able to crank out one or two loads of laundry (washed and dried) during any one ride. During the 100 Miles of Nowhere, I completed five loads of laundry. Bonus: After the ride, I was able to convince my wife that I was too tired and sweaty to fold it.

Longest Time Spent in Basement
Sure, I have spent a few hours at a time cleaning the basement, here and there, but I have never spent six full hours in the basement on any one given day. The 100 Miles of Nowhere helped me get closely acclimated with the various nooks, crannies, and cobwebs in the southeast corner of my house.

Longest Nap in Between ‘Stages‘
Previously, my longest ride had been 67 miles. After the first 70 miles on the trainer, I decided that it was a good time for a quick break. I rinsed off, ate lunch with Mrs. Martin, and then fell asleep on the couch for an hour and a half. After the nap, I hopped back on the bike and finished my miles. I might have to try that next time I’m on a trail ride.

Most Mentions of Butthurt by Any One Person
As a beefy 6-foot, 275-lb rider, the chamois on my XXL Twin Six bib shorts was getting a bit more of a workout than it is used to. As a result, my backside was getting a little more of a workout than it had been used to. Because I know they care so deeply about the health and wellness of my rear end, I gave my family an ample amount of updates regarding my posterior distress. (Remind me to buy a bigger bottle of DZ Nuts before my next century in August.)

Most Fig Newtons Ate With Legs in Motion
I normally enjoy a sleeve or two of Fig Newtons while sitting on the couch, riding in the car, or leaning back in my cushy office chair. During the 100 Miles of Nowhere, however, I was able to set a personal record of eating two entire sleeves of Fig Newtons while riding on the trainer. Nabisco should give me an award or feature me in a commercial for their delicious morsels.

Consumption of Largest Post-Race Calzone
Most post-race meals consist of something relatively healthy in order to decrease recovery time. I, however, decided to eat the largest calzone that had ever been put in front of me in my life. Without the 100 Miles of Nowhere, I would not have been able to meet this challenge. It was my honor to consume the entire pizza pastry. However, I turned down the remaining 3/4ths of my wife’s calzone when she asked if I wanted to finish hers.

Including my longest-ever ride, that makes seven personal records set during the 100 MoN. I can’t wait until next year.