NEWS FLASH: Armstrong To Be Stripped of Additional Titles

02.13.2013 | 7:52 am

Aigle, Switzerland (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – In a joint press release today today, the UCI, WADA, USADA, and CCN announced the following:

We are pleased to announce that, effective immediately, Lance Armstrong will be stripped of seven Tour de France Titles. The stripping of these aforementioned titles are additive to the seven Tour de France titles of which Mr. Armstrong has already been stripped, for a grand total of fourteen (14) times he has now no longer won the Tour.

Be it known, then, that as of this moment, Lance Armstrong has won the Tour de France a total of negative seven (-7) times. Which means that should he ever start racing again, he’ll have to win the Tour de France another seven times before he even gets to say he hasn’t ever even raced in the Tour.

This notice should not be construed as an invitation for Mr. Armstrong to come and race the Tour seven more times. Indeed, to the contrary, we hereby anti-invite Armstrong to come and race another seven times, just to be safe. 

Reached for comment on this unusual measure, UCI President Pat McQuaid stated, “We felt it was important for us to proactively take this measure against the possibility that Mr. Armstrong might start racing — and possibly winning — the Tour de France. We feel that only by taking this proactive measure could we curtail the greatest threat against cycling today.”

“I agree,” agreed Dr. Michael Ashenden, who is the best and smartest and rightest doping expert who has ever lived or will ever live. “And also I think we were all starting to miss the feeling of righteous indignation we all experienced when denouncing Armstrong, instead of denouncing each other about Armstrong.”

“Sure,” continued the extremely smart and handsome Ashenden, “later today we’ll go back to sniping and arguing amongst ourselves. But for this moment, at least, it’s really nice to get back to our core competencies.”

“There’s something special about stripping Armstrong of Tour de France victories,” concurred USADA CEO Travis Tygart. “You get a certain buzz from it that nabbing other dopers simply doesn’t deliver.”

“I kind of thought I’d at least feel something when Cipollini got busted earlier this week,” mused Tygart, evidently to himself, “But nothing compares to Lance. So, a few days ago when we were all just bickering and finger-pointing, it occurred to someone, ‘Hey! What if we played our big hit? The fans always love that one!’ And you know what? It’s totally true.”

Said Skins chairman and Change Cycling Now backer Jaimie Fuller, “We’re f&^*ing thinking of making this $&#@ something we do on a %@!#-%$# regular basis.”

The Press Reacts

Neal Rogers, Editor of Velo, responded to this statement by tweeting, “Thought we were done with Armstrong circus. Very angry. Wish we could ignore this and get back to what we do best.”

Thirty minutes later, published five (5) new articles covering this event, including a timeline, an analysis, an opinion piece, a “What Happens Next?” story, and an interview with Dick Pound.

Meanwhile, Bicycling Editor-at-Large Bill Strickland tweeted the opening verse from “A child said, What is the grass?” by Walt Whitman.

It is unclear whether this tweet was an oblique reference to this announcement, or if Bill Strickland just likes Walt Whitman. 

Next Steps

The next meeting of this group that is collectively tasked with restoring the cycling world’s sense of honor and dignity is planned for later this month, where they will consider a number of new proposals, including making Armstrong do the following:

  • Give a yellow jersey to anyone who asks for one, forever
  • Take a picture of himself laying on that same couch where he was “just laying around,” but with pictures of Betsy Andreu now in each of the frames
  • Learn to un-sign his name

According to the statement, forcing Armstrong to drink nothing but Michelob Ultra for the rest of his life had also been under consideration, but had been taken off the table.

According to McQuaid, “That would simply be too cruel.”


  1. Comment by bykjunkie | 02.13.2013 | 8:13 am

    Everyone at work is asking me what is so funny.
    Love it!!

  2. Comment by Tom in Albany | 02.13.2013 | 8:13 am

    And in a follow up move, Sally Jenkins is buying back all unwanted copies of “It’s Not About The Bike” for future composting. She’s quoted to say, “It turns out this book is so full of cow manure that the nitrogen content is out of this world. We could feed a small African nation with the forward alone!”

  3. Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 02.13.2013 | 8:40 am

    Nice. Hey who were you concerned would get angry about this post? :)

    First draft had more pointed remarks. What I really wanted to do with this one, though, was just be absurd, while maybe also hinting at others’ absurdity. I did some rewriting this morning; now it fits the tone I really had in mind. I don’t really see how anyone could get offended/angry at this anymore. I should let stuff sit and revisit before publishing more often! – FC

  4. Comment by Jenni | 02.13.2013 | 8:49 am

    Omg the Bill/Walt Whitman line got me

  5. Comment by Turn The Damn Cranks | 02.13.2013 | 9:11 am

    Fatty — Excellent work as usual. The Mich Ultra close is fantastic.

    @Tom — Brilliant! Just brilliant.

  6. Comment by dave | 02.13.2013 | 9:27 am

    Watching your weight loss. Can you be “the fatcyclist” anymore?you are under 170now. Bravo. Or is theFC more of a state of mind now? Nice farce piece you should send it to the Onion!

  7. Comment by Guest | 02.13.2013 | 9:28 am

    Feels like I’m reading The Onion. A great way to start the morning.

  8. Comment by Barefoot Rose | 02.13.2013 | 9:31 am

    Classic. A few new contenders for Best of Fat Cyclist, second book in the trilogy of five.

  9. Comment by blair | 02.13.2013 | 9:32 am

    this is my ambiguous yet pithy comment

  10. Comment by Don | 02.13.2013 | 9:44 am

    A masterpiece. I’ll need a printed version with your signature at the bottom right…please.

  11. Comment by Will Swetnam | 02.13.2013 | 9:51 am

    Spot on as always, my friend! Great stuff! Loved the Velo reference… keep on keepin’ on! Would love to read the original piece… Fatty – just do what you do – ignore the haters and those who don’t “get it”!

    It no longer exists; I don’t do versioning. Mostly the edits have to do with order of the content, not so much the content itself. Regardless, this revision is truer to what I wanted this post to be. – FC

  12. Comment by centurion | 02.13.2013 | 9:51 am

    No. More. Armstrong.

    Sorry, but the next fake news piece I have in mind — in fact, is already half-written — is also Armstrong-centric. If I have an idea I think is funny, I’m going to write it. – FC

  13. Comment by Greg | 02.13.2013 | 9:52 am

    F&$@”?g perfect. Better than coffee.

  14. Comment by JRay | 02.13.2013 | 9:55 am

    Bahhhhhaahahahahahahah!!! Folks are prairie dogging in the cube farm wandering what the laughter is about… Awesome job Fatty! Mich Ultra is too much punishment for anybody..
    This should be a contender for your “Top Post” archive…

  15. Comment by ColoradoXJ13 | 02.13.2013 | 10:03 am

    So what am I supposed to do with my signed copy of ‘It’s Not About the Bike’ now?

  16. Comment by Paul Guyot | 02.13.2013 | 10:11 am

    Welcome back.

  17. Comment by AGibson | 02.13.2013 | 10:16 am


  18. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 02.13.2013 | 10:18 am

    Like @WillSwetnam we’d love to get a peek at the original draft. Maybe an wouldn’t go farther than that…..until it did.

    Mich Ultra, Choice! Though I think you can forgo asking A/B for any support on upcoming contests

  19. Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 02.13.2013 | 10:20 am

    Paul’s Back! Paul’s Back! Yeah!

    Let’s get a guest post review of his NEW BIKE!

    Apparently that was the doctor’s recommendation for the herniated disc….and insurance covered it?

  20. Comment by Dallas cyclist | 02.13.2013 | 10:37 am

    This just in, the ‘Foundation’ Lance founded in 1997 discovered to be just as truthful as Lance’s claims of: ‘he never doped’, no wait; ‘he never failed a drug test’, no wait; ‘he just leveled the playing field, it was not cheating’; no wait, ‘he wasn’t the doping king pin’, ummmm, hold on; ‘He is really telling all the truth!”, crud…. okay…

    Just believe in the Yellow Plastic Bracelet fairy tale and don’t read the facts about Lie$trong, or you will be labeled a “Cancer Lover!” and that “You just don’t get it.”

    There we go.
    There we go.

    Keep practicing. – FC

  21. Comment by Susi | 02.13.2013 | 10:37 am

    You crack me up. Thanks for putting it in perspective.

  22. Comment by Elizabeth | 02.13.2013 | 10:39 am

    I am snickering in my office. People have stopped asking why I do that since the answer is always “Fat Cyclist”!

  23. Comment by Mike C | 02.13.2013 | 10:46 am

    Hahaha! Everyone is mentioning how people around them are wondering what they are laughing at. Me too. I really need to stop reading this in the bathroom.

  24. Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 02.13.2013 | 10:48 am

    Elden, the part of this that is ripe for the absurdity of this kind of writing are the people who are taking the whole moral high ground posturing, but who in fact may have little or no claim to that position. This will finish when those who are posing on the high moral ground come down to the level they should be on.

    Your piece beautifully plays on that absurdity.

  25. Comment by ClydesdalePilot | 02.13.2013 | 11:12 am

    Brilliant. Loved the Michelob Ultra comment. Keep it up, sir!

  26. Comment by Tom from NorCal | 02.13.2013 | 11:33 am

    Thanks for putting a little more sunshine in my day! Loved it. More please. I can always use a good laugh. Awesome.

  27. Comment by Marsupial Matt (formerly known as MattC) | 02.13.2013 | 11:35 am

    He’ll have to race the TDF 7 more times BEFORE he can claim he’s NEVER raced it…

    I’ll be sniggering at that for a long time my friend!

    Nice way to start off my Wednesday!

  28. Comment by Jeff Bike | 02.13.2013 | 11:45 am

    UPDATE: Mr. Lance Armstrong will now only be known as Lance Armstrong. The UCI, WADA, USADA and all the rest of them have found one more tile to revoke. A joint statement from the ‘bunch of headhunters’ reads in part: ” From this day forward his title of ‘Mister’ is revoked. The former Mr. Lance Armstrong will no longer be allowed to use the title ‘Mister’ in any correspondence. All news articles and published materials will no longer use the Mr. when referring to Lance Armstrong. Failure of printed materials to comply with this imposed ban will result in investigation and prosecution by the inquisition. The world will no longer recognize Lance Armstrong as gender specific. From this point all references to Lance Armstrong will be gender neutral.”

  29. Comment by Marsupial Matt (formerly known as MattC) | 02.13.2013 | 12:24 pm

    Jeff Bike…I also just heard they have also stripped him of the first letter from his first and last names…so he shall henceforth be known as “ance rmstrong”.

  30. Comment by rich | 02.13.2013 | 12:50 pm

    great stuff……now to wipe the coffee off my monitor…(again)

  31. Comment by leroy | 02.13.2013 | 1:21 pm

    Is it still too soon to post a “Leave Britney Alone” style video?

    I’m not asking for me.

    My dog has a Kickstarter project he wants to fund.

  32. Comment by Bill B | 02.13.2013 | 1:56 pm

    Thank you for the smile, not since the Andrew Hood operation puerto porn name game have the cockles of my heart been so warm :-)

  33. Comment by Rob | 02.13.2013 | 3:16 pm

    sheer perfection.

  34. Comment by Kiwi | 02.13.2013 | 5:46 pm

    My goodness, I was cracking up and then when I got to the comments i realized this was from the Fatty FAKE news service and cracked up even more!!!
    I read the article to my coworkers as I read it and they were cracking up at the absurdity of it all!

    @Mike C: Yeah, might not be a good idea to read in the bathroom! LOL

    @Jeff Bike: Well played, well played!

  35. Comment by MikeL | 02.13.2013 | 9:44 pm

    Finally an article on the Armstrong controversy that is worth reading.Huzzah Sir.

  36. Comment by Paul W | 02.14.2013 | 3:23 am

    Update; “It turns out this book is so full of cow manure…” – in Europe there is also a significant component of equine ‘material’.

  37. Comment by roan | 02.14.2013 | 8:48 pm

    Bet their thinking of stripping Armstrong of his Tour de Moon Walks, too.
    Say Fatty, the dim bulb just flickered…North Korea…rocket launch to the moon. Only enough enough room for a former fatcyclist (what…169.2, twice, fell off the wagon, heh ?)and a unicycle. Ya could be the 1st to circumlunarate that big cheese wheel.
    Maybe you could do all of us a favor and wipe that grin off, it always bugs me.

  38. Comment by roan | 02.14.2013 | 8:54 pm

    er…not your grin Fatty the one on the moon. It’s so smug looking down on us. Your grin is like egg whites and avocado without the yoke.

  39. Comment by Shane in Utah | 02.15.2013 | 2:53 am

    Good news for Lance: he’s off the hook for a while so the world can obsess over Oscar Pistorius’s murder trial…

  40. Comment by jon (a clyde from Chi-town) | 02.15.2013 | 8:59 am

    Damn funny – good luck in the race…

    Keep ‘em coming… The anti-dopers are becoming almost as repulsive as the dopers… I still can’t get over the hypocrisy of plea-bargaining to reduce punishments for guys who were just not as good as the guy who was an exceptional cheat…

    Still chuckling…

  41. Comment by Bicycle Bill | 02.15.2013 | 11:27 pm

    jon from Chi-town said: “I still can’t get over the hypocrisy of plea-bargaining to reduce punishments for guys who were just not as good as the guy who was an exceptional cheat…”
    I’d add “or were able to cheat at the same level as he was”.

    It seems these days that it’s not so much a case of “who’s cheating” as it is a case of “when will they get caught at it”.  Maybe it’s time to ban everybody who has a license from the UCI or their respective national cycling organization, and make the TdF open only to Cat-5 and citizen racers only.


  42. Comment by Kyle | 02.16.2013 | 12:22 am

    According to the statement, forcing Armstrong to drink nothing but Michelob Ultra for the rest of his life had also been under consideration, but had been taken off the table.

    According to McQuaid, “That would simply be too cruel.”

    That would be an inhumane punishment.


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