News Flash: Local Cyclist to Participate in Most Important Bike Race in the World

07.23.2013 | 11:16 am

A Note from Fatty About Today’s Giveaway and the Contest in General: Today’s giveaway from is awesome: a THREE-month subscription at the $19.99 level, which means that every month for three months, you’re going to get a box of food good for 10-12 rides. Like this:


In addition to this, the winner is going to get a 1-pound bag of Skratch Labs Hydration Mix, which is worth another $19.50. 

In other words, your on-bike food needs are going to be pretty much taken care of for the rest of the riding season. Nice!

And remember, you’re also entered to win the Trek Project One Series 7 Madone with ENVE wheels and cockpit, along with SRAM RED drivetrain. Wow.

So how do you enter and be eligible to win this prize from, the ones after that (there will be six more!) and the bike? Just donate here, in increments of $10.00. It’s that easy.

See this entry for details, and click here for rules and restrictions. Also note that Trek’s matching program has a ceiling of $90,000

News Flash: Local Cyclist to Participate in Most Important Bike Race in the World

Alpine, UT (Fat Cyclist Not Especially Fake News Service) – Elden Nelson, longtime resident of Alpine, Utah, announced today that within a few short weeks, he intends to take part in the most important bike race in the world.

“The Leadville 100 is the most important bike race in the whole world,” said Nelson of the mountain bike race in Leadville, Colorado, which approximately 99.999999999987% of the US population has never heard of.

“And I don’t mean that this race is the most important race every year. I mean that this race, this year, is the most important race in the history of the world,” continued Nelson, with no hint of irony at all in his voice. “No race has ever been this important before, and no race will ever be this important again.”

Asked why this race is so important, Nelson was quick to reply. “It’s self-evident that this race is the most important race in the world because it is the race I am currently thinking about, essentially to the exclusion of everything else. It’s still weeks away, but I’m constantly checking weather reports, mulling over gear ratios, planning out my food, and agonizing over which pair of socks to wear.”

“In short,” noted Nelson, “I’m acting like this is not merely the most important race in the world, but that it may in fact be the most important thing in the world.” 

Nelson then paused for a moment to reflect, then asked, “If it weren’t truly important, I wouldn’t be treating it as if my life depended on it, would I?”

Witness to Many Important Events

This is not the first time Mr. Nelson has been involved in races of such extreme importance. In fact, experts agree that every race Nelson has ever done has been the single most important thing happening in the universe at the moment it happened, as well as for the several days prior to the race itself.

According to Kenneth Jones, a noted current events researcher, “Elden Nelson has an uncanny ability to register for and then participate in races that — for reasons which are not perfectly clear at this time — become increasingly important as time progresses. By the time Nelson actually lines up and begins the race, there is quite literally nothing in the world so important as the race in which he is participating.”

Jones summarized, “People could be ten feet away, falling in love, crashing cars, levitating off the ground, curing MS, murdering one another, figuring out the final digit of Pi, whatever. If Nelson is racing, everything else is less important.”

“By the way,” concluded Jones, “The final digit of Pi is a 4, which seems like kind of letdown.”


Top physicists are currently trying to understand and explain how it is possible that whatever race Nelson chooses to do suddenly becomes so important.

“And it’s not just the ‘how’ that intrigues us,” says Dr. Robert Raleigh, a physicist with an impressive goatee that somehow conveys both breadth of intelligence and depth of wisdom. “It’s the ‘why.’ Why does a race in which Nelson has no chance of winning matter so much? Or suppose we take a monstrous leap of faith and imagine that he did win? The question remains: why does it matter so incredibly much? Why do we all care?”

“One thing is certain, however,” mused Dr. Raleigh. “And that is that any race in which Nelson participates does matter. It matters very deeply indeed.”

What the Future Holds

Shortly after Nelson completes the most important race in the history of the universe, he intends to race the Salt To Saint, a 420-mile race, as a solo time trial. “I have a feeling about that race,” says Nelson. “I think it’s going to be really, really important.”


  1. Comment by Christina | 07.23.2013 | 11:22 am

    “…buying new gloves and taping baggies of TP to my bike frame.”

  2. Comment by Dave | 07.23.2013 | 11:37 am

    Silly me. I thought my race this weekend was the most important race in the world.

  3. Comment by ScottR | 07.23.2013 | 11:46 am

    Not referring to yourself as reigning Leadville champion seems like a missed opportunity :-)

  4. Comment by SteveB | 07.23.2013 | 12:04 pm

    This is how I feel about each and every ride… which is as it should be, right?

    Also, good luck with Salt to Saint, we’ll need someone to take pictures of you at about mile 380, that should be a pretty good ‘how to suffer while biking’ picture, I’d think.

  5. Comment by Anonymous | 07.23.2013 | 12:17 pm

    My wife and I were discussing what your plans might be for Leadville just last night; after reading about Lisa’s recent performances my wife said it would be awesome if the pair of you went for a Big Buckle attempt on a tandem.

  6. Comment by cyclingjimbo | 07.23.2013 | 12:18 pm

    Quick math check – too many 9’s in your estimate of how many people in the US know about the Leadville 100. According to your figures, approximately 0.05 people (as in one twentieth of a person) know about the race. Never let it be said that Fatty can’t deal with hyperbole.

  7. Comment by cyclingjimbo | 07.23.2013 | 12:20 pm

    Correction – off by 10^3 – make that 0.00005 people. Fatty’s hyperbole knows no bounds.

  8. Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 07.23.2013 | 12:24 pm

    Huh, Leadville? Did someone say something about Leadville? Sorry I was distracted by thinking about packing my bike, bottles and food, what bike clothes to bring, where to put my crew (do I need to get someone to Carter inbound?????), what to eat the week leading up to the race, how much pre-riding to do, how much resting to do, what condition the course is in, what last minute things I need to do to my bike…..tire pressure, oh yeah, that too….Good grief I’ve got Leadville on the brain too. Yikes. (17 days and counting.)

  9. Comment by Mark in Bremerton | 07.23.2013 | 12:25 pm

    Since I didn’t get an email, I can assume I didn’t win yesterday’s swag/food. Will you be posting winners’ names, just out of curiosity?

    And are you serious about the solo TT of the STS? THAT, without a doubt, would be the most important race of your life, just to make sure that it (your life) keeps going.

    I will be posting winners’ names; the first winner hasn’t been selected yet. We’re still doing some work to make sure the drawing system is fair and complete. – FC

  10. Comment by Davidh-Marin,ca | 07.23.2013 | 12:48 pm

    News Flash! The center of the universe has been located in Utah! Who knew?

    @Doug (way upstate….). Don’t forget ‘leg shaving’. How many days before, always important.

  11. Comment by Chris | 07.23.2013 | 1:17 pm

    I don’t know, I’ll probably be in a different corral (purple) than you, and I think the race form my POV is going to be much more important than the race from your POV. Therefore, my race will be more important than your race even though they are the same race. And then there’s Doug. His race is pretty important too, though still not as important as mine. And I want to know Mr. Nelsen, will you be doing the MOST IMPORTANT RACE IN THE UNIVERSE on a single speed recumbent this year?

  12. Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 07.23.2013 | 1:57 pm

    I will be posting winners’ names; the first winner hasn’t been selected yet. We’re still doing some work to make sure the drawing system is fair and complete.

    Good to know. The @acnpiratewench will await your call.

  13. Comment by Wife#1 | 07.23.2013 | 2:14 pm

    I beg to differ Husband#1. The @acnpiratewench is not awaiting any call before August 1. That day however, she-along with every other Team Fatty person-will be on pins and needles waiting to hear who ends up with the glorious brats, pie and single donut bike. :-)

    I was bummed to learn earlier today, via email, that I did not win Jens’ bike in the Trek Travel giveaway. That was pretty heartbreaking and it’s all I can do not to console myself with brats and pie right now.

  14. Comment by Doug (way upstate NY) | 07.23.2013 | 2:22 pm

    @davidh- shaving is less important for a mtb race. Tattoos now that’s important. But thanks for adding to my list of thing to worry about!

  15. Comment by rohit | 07.23.2013 | 2:30 pm

    i am very focused on what flavor donut to eat at approximately 5:03am on 8/10. This is the most important decision for the most important event in teh universe.

  16. Comment by Pipebaum | 07.23.2013 | 2:36 pm

    Don’t you mean psychologist and not physicist?

  17. Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 07.23.2013 | 2:43 pm

    @Doug (way far away…) may I suggest Jens Voight inspired transfer tattoos:

    Shut up Legs on the quads of course.

  18. Comment by Peri | 07.23.2013 | 4:09 pm

    Yikes! I had no idea I volunteered to crew for the most important race in the world. Will you be signing autographs before, during or after? I am travelling all the way from Houston, Texas, so it must be a pretty darn important race. Looking forward to seeing you up close and personal.

  19. Comment by AKChick55 | 07.23.2013 | 7:35 pm

    Don’t forget to pack an Action Wipe or two for Leadville. Finally used mine after a 86 deg 54.5 miler a couple weeks ago (in ALASKA – this is significant because we are having an awesome HOT summer). The Action Wipes kick butt on my standard baby wipes.

    Also, hubby is on furlough though September so we are on a very tight budget, but I contributed a little to the World Bike Relief fund. I wanted to get something in since Trek is doubling donations. No chance of winning a prize, but really, the win in this contest is the young people getting bikes in Zambia. I hope we can get a report from WBR on the bikes and services this fundraiser will buy. :) WINNING! And not an ounce of tiger blood in sight.

  20. Comment by AKChick55 | 07.23.2013 | 8:24 pm

    Wait, to clarify, I didn’t use my Action Wipe for an “emergency.” It was used for a very sweaty AKChick who isn’t used to biking in such hot weather (it was GREAT and I am NOT complaining). They smell fab and make you feel super clean. I wish I’d had more than one.

  21. Comment by Davidh-marin,ca | 07.23.2013 | 8:56 pm

    @AKChick as for ‘never winning’. Never say never.

  22. Comment by Tom in Albany | 07.24.2013 | 5:49 am

    I vote for AKChick to win something. She has the proper attitude here! She’s already won by being generous! So, FC, make sure she gets something, without actually, you know, rigging the contest…

    I realize this goes counter to your current efforts to make the drawing fair. But I wanted to distract you from the most important race in the world. Relaxation along with the preparation is key to success!

    And, perhaps, this Leadville 100 will be your amazing PFE maximized???

  23. Comment by Chris | 07.24.2013 | 5:55 am

    4 as the last digit of Pi is not kind of a let down it is a TOTAL let down.

    I was really hoping for 7 to be the last digit :(

    I know. Me too. – FC

  24. Comment by Saso | 07.24.2013 | 11:54 am

    …and my wife thinks I am obsessed about my races. I should make her read this. Or better not.

  25. Comment by Clydesteve | 07.24.2013 | 6:25 pm

    You morons! – 42 is the last digits of PI.


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